Bad divorce, custody issues, abuse, animal neglect

[Cricket85]

I fell in love when I was 16. I was the perfect walking co dependent girl. I had a childhood trauma that gave me social anxiety and when I met him I fell in love. He seemed stable. Charismatic if not a little eccentric. I then found out that he was about to inherit a ton of money and that honestly scared me off. I knew I loved him but I was worried about the kind of life I might miss out going down that road with him. After four months of separation I got sucked in and I took a leap of faith. Big mistake.

Long story short, it’s been fourteen years of marriage and it’s time to leave. Our relationship was complete entanglement. It was always hot and cold. I gave so much of myself and sacrificed many opportunities to help build a company with him. We had two children together and I cared for them. Things started to fall apart when he started drinking and falling into rages. The first time it happened we were in NYC and he started to scream at me about how I was always planning on leaving him. That I’m a b!%#h. How he regretted every day with me. It was so out of control for the minor irritation I shared with him. I ended up homeless in Times Square.

He apologized and I took him back. He promised he wouldn’t drink for 6 months. Later I found out that he did drink behind my back. But then in August he made me late once more for something that was important to me. I was reasonably angry. He got wasted at the event and when I was driving us home, I said I was disappointed in him. Big mistake. He went off screaming and berating me for over 8 minutes about how I’m trying to leave him. I’m a gold digger. He used the c and b words at me until I had to pull over and screamed for him to get out. He refused but stayed silent until I got to his mothers house. He the. Played with the kids like nothing happened.

After we got back home I told him to leave to our other house and took a two week break where then I said it was divorce or therapy. He chose therapy and for three months thing were amazing. He stopped drinking. He finally was opening up to me about his feelings and problems. He was working through his family issues. It was the first time I felt like I knew what a relationship felt like. However he convinced me that he should be able to drink on occasion. He said I could choose when he could to give me the control and to show me that was just from his depression. (I know. How stupid it sounds now. I was trying to show more faith in him) he also started to go back to work which is in the entertainment industry. He has a personal and that persona is pretty provocative. He promised me he would call at night but of course he started not to. He kept excusing his behaviors before eventually apologizing but it kept happening. He withdrew. Became irritable. Lying about drinking. He failed to call me for the last time and I told him to go back to our second house.

The next day he said he would contact our therapist but he never did. My therpapist asked me if it was possible that he was bipolar.  He said he would go to a psych doc and he told me he was. Except the meds they put him on was an SSRI.

I I kept an eye on him but his behavior was wild. He kept having medical procedures to prove he had chrones or Ulcers. He kept coming up with this emergency scenarios but kept pushing me away physically. Blaming me if I questioned him. I called his psych doc and asked if his medical waiver that we signed for his healthcare worked for the psych care (it’s the same place). They said it didn’t but they could draw one up. I immediately called him and told him what they said. He confirmed he was willing to do it. Christmas came and all my presents were not wrapped. He made up elaborate stories about the items. Said a very popular perfume sold every where was super rare and expensive. That jewelry he bought me was custom made for me with the kids involvement months ago. I found the receipt that it was bought the day before.

Christmas Day I ended up in the bathroom with my husbands phone while my toddler had a mealt down. I was waiting it out when I found a text from a woman... .someone in the entertainment industry (c lister) and he was confiding in her that the big D was likely coming.

Between then and New Years we seemed to make a little improvement. He kept saying stuff to scare me though. Veiled things like alcohol was only 10% the reason he said mean things to me. But then the day before we were going to go to the psych doctor he went crazy on me. Telling me this was his bipolar and I need to leave him  alone. He berated me and devalued me. I couldn’t take it and I said if that’s how this was going to be I can’t continue the relationship.

I knew he had a buying problem. That he messed up his house and needed some time to get things in order for the kids to come over. So I offered for him to come over every day after school for the kids and he could leave after the go to bed. He stopped showing up. He then said business people where coming over the weekend and he wouldn’t see the kids again. I told him he had to be there for his kids. He refused. Our 6 year old later asked if we were getting a divorce. As our kid cried, he didn’t react and wanted to fight me for football tickets I had. I refused to give it to him in my grief. The next day he showed up having payed for an expensive seat. He then spent $2,700 during the game. He started flying people out for “business” meetings and decided to fly the actor woman to the out of state game. Stayed at the ritz and denied it. I tried to establish 50/50 custody schedule minus over nights because he said the house wasn’t ready. I went over to his house to find missing bills but the place was destroyed! Hoarders style. Beer everywhere. Porn. I found what looked like a gun. I called his psych doctor and they didn’t care. He explained it as an air soft but why have it out like that? He kept missing times with the kids and kept flying to Canada. He was spending tens of thousands of dollars. I tried to reach out to anyone who could help me because he was acting like he was manic.

He then said our cat died. It was a second cat in a month that died and he was acting weird. He said the car jumped up on the couch and fell sleep and died. I asked for a necropsy. When I surprised him at the vet appointment he hadn’t scheduled one and his hand was all damaged as if he had been hitting the walls. The story changed again so I took the cat and made a new appointment and waited for the results.

We went to one couples therapist to work out vacations coming up. I knew about the other woman and I didn’t want to go with him. He admitted to being bipolar but said he wasn’t on any meds. Then he said he was but was belligerent to tell us what kind. He demanded we both go on the trip but I refused. I the. Offered it to him as the therapist was giving me the look to cave in. He then refused the trip because “he knew what I do if he did.”  What?   The therapist said he can’t be mad at me for a choice he made then and he flipped. He scheduled the next appointment two weeks out.

He left the kids alone again. He hasn’t called once the the two months.  I got the necropsy back and the cat was neglected and had sepsis and upper respiratory infections. It was also decomposed as if he hadnt found it in a while.  I filed for divorce while he was gone and went back to his house to see if I could check in on our last cat that he refused to give me. I looked through a window and saw horrific conditions. Poop dead rats vomit everywhere. It was horrifying. I called a lock smith and the house was in worse condition. The basement had black mold and mushrooms growing from a leak. The smell burned my eyes. I took the cat and a few sentimental items of mine. Got the cat antibiotics for an infection and surgery to remove a lump.

He called the cops on me of course. My sister was there and I was as still his wife so he can’t do much. He claims I stole his watches but one is in my house because he used to live there.

Now he says he isn’t bipolar and that I gaslit him into thinking he was (what?) he has a doc note saying he isn’t bipolar but these are tribal doctors known for protecting tribal members. He has no made up stories that I prevented him from seeing his kids (I’ve kept a records and texts and a record of his trips) He says I didn’t work at the company we built. That I stole money (I put a chunk of money we were setting aside for our retirement in a new acccount for protection because he was taking money out of it. It’s profit from a house I bought with his funds but rented out and sold for a profit.) I thought he was manic. I’ve kept records of it to prove I didn’t spend any of it. He then cut us off financially and slamming me to everyone I use to work with. The moment we served each other with divorce papers he announced he was engaged to the woman he met three months ago and demanded the kids meet her.

I know everyone is asking why don’t I call cps. Problem is if I do cps will kick it over to tribal courts who really don’t care about mental health issues. State will take it seriously so we are waiting for my state court date.  My sons are confused and in therapy. My eldest misses and loves daddy but has expressed concern about his father’s safety. He doesn’t get who they lady is as she is 12 years older than his father.

He has started making wild accusations. Saying that I’m dating a man and this guy has been telling my kids not to talk to their father. This is FALSE! No idea what he is talking about. That I stole money I don’t have.

He said brought my kids into unsafe areas that never happened and I can prove didn’t happen.

So clearly this is a high conflict court case. Doesn’t help I’m stuck between tribal and state. In state I stand to make hundreds of thousands of dollars. In tribal I will only get $1700 a month. Not enough to cover my mortgage and I have no job or education to fal back on.


Any advise. Stories? All the odds are against me... .and my best friend turned into a monster.

[Cricket85]

For got to mention: right now he has asked for two nights every other weekend. This I feel is safe. But he keeps randomly send texts drama baiting me for items and more time with the kids. I just want to stick to the agreement until things are written in stone. He already broke one previous agreement we had prior to this one.


I also for got to mention we have pictures of his hands bloodied and walls/doors smashed in.

What do you guys think is reasonable for parenting time? I feel like he is so unstable and I’m scared of him. I’m scared he will alienate my sons with this imaginary lover I supposedly have. I honestly thought going in this we would get to 50/50 but the orating trips, cats, and behaviors make me nervous. Providing I can provide I can prove everything I wrote (I can) do I have legit concerns to ask for not 50/50 at this time?

[DaddyBear77]

Hi Cricket85, I'm really really sorry to hear about everything you're going through. This sounds like an incredibly difficult situation.

Could you explain a little bit more about the state of your case? You mention that both tribal courts and state courts are involved, but there's a request to transfer it to state. So is there a case pending currently in tribal court?

You mention a parenting agreement that is currently in force - what does that agreement state regarding parenting time?

You mentioned a 6 year old - how old is your second child? A quick read of your story describes a very unstable environment for young children, and the living conditions sound completely unacceptable. Where would / do your children go to visit with their father? Is it this second house?

Your primary responsibility here needs to be for yourself and your children. If you have reservations about giving your children time with your husband, I would listen very carefully to that feeling and act accordingly.

[Cricket85]

Sorry, I wrote this on my phone and it shows. My sons are now 4 and 7. I filed first in state court first and he filed in tribal court while trying to dodge my server. Mine was entered first by a few hours. So we have two open cases and we both maintain it should be heard in different courts. The two are very different in laws and whats allowed. The tribal laws apparently have been rewritten recently so I'm no longer entitlement to anything. Not the laws I agreed to when I got married over 14 years ago. They don't tell you when these these things either.

For over 90 days my kids have lived in our "off reservation" house so custody should be heard in state. That would be an uphill battle for him to fight. Where the divorce should be heard however is up in the air. We will make an argument that my state rights should be considered.

I think he is trying to build a child alienation case against me and try to claim me as borderline because apparently one of his therapist said I could be.  (We all know thats not how it works)

When we separated in January, I offered my home for visitation until the conflict was obviously too much. Then I suggested that he can pick them up two days during the week and attend the kids school after school activities. Then every other weekend I offered him to take them out for day excursion but not at the house. He rarely did these meetings. He never called. There were always other things he felt he needed to do, or was sick, or didn't want to drive 18 minutes in bad weather. I have texts and witnesses.  Right after he got served, I did request him to stay away from us and not come to my youngest birthday party because we had questions about his mental health that we want resolved. It was via text and hey it was a request. The birthday party was my family and honestly they all hate his guts for serving me papers. It would not have been healthy environment.

We thought he would ask for a custody meeting quickly, but he didn't. Instead he booked a trip out of the country for a week instead. Once he got back, he threatened to call cps saying I doing parent alienation by restricting his rights to parenting. I had to give him two days of parenting time to avoid this but it was supervised by his mother at her place. I'm good with that. Then he forced the kids to meet the new woman which made them confused and he broke the agreement by taking them to his dump of a house.

 The oldest is seeing his weird behavior and is talking about it. My son doesn't think his father is being safe and that he is sick. (His father would over share his medical issues, has placed our son in a scary position last year in a road rage incident, told him on a facetime that someone died but wouldn't tell him who, and is obviously not around/irritable). Of course I'm afraid my sons emotions might get me accused of alienation. All the documentation should help prove these are reasonable feelings and that I warned him his son was feeling sad. I even have him in therapy. I always tell him his father loves him and my son is free to love both of us.  That its a good healthy thing. Still we all know how these divorces can go.

I feel like I've tried everything I can do to make this civil but it's time to just stop. I was so worried for him being manic that I reached out to people. Clearly, it just a game. He said for months that he was bipolar but then changed it to major depression. I asked for clarification, was it bipolar or depression now? He refused to answer me. He is playing so many mind games it makes my head spin.  However he is constantly upset with me for abandoning him for months despite it not being true.  Hence why I'm now here.

Whatever is wrong with him, his behaviors are concerning- label or no. The drama baiting texts are not ok. The emotional, verbal, financial abuse is not ok. the breaking of agreements isn't ok. I'm just trying to make sure the kids are safe in his care and I'm not honestly sure that they are. He sees them as his emotional support (said this in a text). He keeps snapping at the oldest and blaming him for things like muting him despite it being his computer acting up. He struggles at keeping his home clean. He struggles to not spend all his money. He doesn't seem to think there was anything wrong with leaving his cat in horrific conditions.

If I could ask for the moon, I'd make this the permanent schedule and work a reasonable holiday schedule out.  Go parallel parenting and use the my family wizard app to avoid the conflict he craves. If someday his emotions stabilize, and his priorities get child focused, I'd unofficially offer more days. I just don't know if that is a realistic request or how to respond to more time. I'm sure he also wants vacation time but I'm not solid on the idea of him taking them out of the country at this moment with them being so young. Not at this stage with him being so emotionally unstable.  Again, I don't have the control here. I know this. So I'm looking for other people's stories to see how BPD has affected their custody agreements and what to think about.

I love my kids and I do want them to have their dad in a healthy safe way.

[ForeverDad]

It appears that most courts are inclined to studiously ignore diagnostic labels, especially when it is us trying to Play Doctor.  They default to (1) typical historical divorce policies and outcomes and (2) documentation of poor behaviors and poor patterns of behavior.

Obviously you've noted that state court is preferable to tribal court.  It's not bad for you to seek the best outcome for yourself and the children.  On the second point, have you been documenting his poor behaviors, skipping out when he was scheduled to have the children but later claiming being blocked, his inconsistency, his rages, etc?  It doesn't matter what you call it, whether journal, diary, log or calendar.  The key is to document the various details of the incidents including dates, times, locations, whether there were witnesses.  The reason for having basic details is court may be inclined to ignore or minimize "he always... ." or "she always... ." as hearsay or emotional posturing.

Specific incidents within the 6 months before filing are usually given attention, older claims may be considered "stale".  However, documenting patterns of behavior can include incidents going further back in time.

It sounds like you will need a Custody Evaluation.  (A lot depends on him, he's only seeking the typical minimal dad time of alternate weekends, he may cave when time comes to appear in court.)  An experienced professional (mine was a child psychologist) will make an in-depth evaluation of each parent as well as their parenting.  Mention your concern of his treatment of animals and whether that might impact his parenting.  The problem with an inconsistent parent is that a set schedule doesn't address the times when the person is less fit to spend time with the children.  If a custody evaluator sees basis, you might get Decision Making, Tie Breaker status or an order giving you flexibility to adjust the schedule based upon his behaviors at that time.

One caution... .don't force him to take his parenting time.  Yes, you can schedule him for time but if he bails, let him bail.  Just be sure to document by email, text or whatever that you weren't turning him away and it was his decision to cancel or be elsewhere.  Documentation is the best way to counter his claims of alienation or blocking.  He can squeal all he wants about alienation but if you have records showing he declines his opportunities then his credibility will be weakened.

[livednlearned]

Hi Cricket85,

I'm sorry you're going through this, and glad you found the site.

we have two open cases and we both maintain it should be heard in different courts. The two are very different in laws and whats allowed.

This sounds like a legal technicality that your attorneys will have to work out, and like you mentioned, for now it's up in the air. Is your L suggesting that you move forward as though this will be handled in a state court?

Until then, especially with high conflict on both sides, would you consider getting a mediator involved to handle communication and scheduling for the kids? It might help de-escalate things and give your H a neutral third party to interact with, instead of feeling reactive to the conditions you offer him directly.

My son doesn't think his father is being safe and that he is sick.

How do you respond when he says this?

Hang in there. It sounds rough what you're going through, and not knowing what court your case will be tried in does sound nerve wracking.

Do you have confidence in your lawyer?

[Cricket85]

Hi Cricket85,

I'm sorry you're going through this, and glad you found the site.

This sounds like a legal technicality that your attorneys will have to work out, and like you mentioned, for now it's up in the air. Is your L suggesting that you move forward as though this will be handled in a state court?

****Mediation usually has the best out come when we deal with tribal vs state court. It's cheaper for all involved. Problem is the safety concerns and the STBX consistently trying to create drama. I want to make sure that the issues are known for the future because he does make wild allegations. I do worry about my eldest son's future with him. My husband see's him as an extension of himself and while he wants to please his dad now, we all know that won't last forever... .naturally. My youngest is very stubborn and does what he wants. He looks like me and his father does ignore him compared to the eldest who looks like him. The best place to be heard for me is state and that would be the goal but like I said, the tribal court changes the laws based on outcomes that negatively affect the native member. 50/50 chance****

Until then, especially with high conflict on both sides, would you consider getting a mediator involved to handle communication and scheduling for the kids? It might help de-escalate things and give your H a neutral third party to interact with, instead of feeling reactive to the conditions you offer him directly.

*** We have a mediator appointment on the 3rd. I'm going in there with a few areas where I'm willing to give but I'm not sure where he is at. If he just wants this, with me having the flexibility to add days when he is stable, I'd be good. If he wants 50/50 I don't think that is realistic, not only in the safety issue area but he can't stay in the country for more than a week. He pawns them off when they are sick. I can't live my life with a person who isn't going to be responsible.***

How do you respond when he says this?

**That's a hard one. I basically say I understand that he is worried for his father or that the specific incident was scary to him. Then I usually say that as adults it our job to make sure he (the son) is safe and happy, and that's what mommy and daddy are working on to ensure.  Is that a perfect answer? I have no idea. It's hard because my eldest is emotionally intelligent and very observant. Loves to point out inconsistency. ***

Hang in there. It sounds rough what you're going through, and not knowing what court your case will be tried in does sound nerve wracking.

Do you have confidence in your lawyer?

**She has both argued in State and Tribal so thats one thing going for her. She seems to keep calm and has worked many times with the STBX lawyer. It seems that his lawyer is acting more aggressively than normal.  I'm certain it's because of the lies the STBX has been telling him. I don't have a wide pool of lawyers to pick from given the unique circumstances I'm in. I think keeping calm with undiagnosed PD is important.  ***

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[Cricket85]

It appears that most courts are inclined to studiously ignore diagnostic labels, especially when it is us trying to Play Doctor.  They default to (1) typical historical divorce policies and outcomes and (2) documentation of poor behaviors and poor patterns of behavior.

Obviously you've noted that state court is preferable to tribal court.  It's not bad for you to seek the best outcome for yourself and the children.  On the second point, have you been documenting his poor behaviors, skipping out when he was scheduled to have the children but later claiming being blocked, his inconsistency, his rages, etc?  It doesn't matter what you call it, whether journal, diary, log or calendar.  The key is to document the various details of the incidents including dates, times, locations, whether there were witnesses.  The reason for having basic details is court may be inclined to ignore or minimize "he always... ." or "she always... ." as hearsay or emotional posturing.

I have been documenting everything. I have written in my calendar what days he skipped and the reason for it. 98% of these can be verified via text messages. He is HUGE into texting me.  I also have been recording the multiple trips he takes a month. The obvious lies he tells about meeting people who have been reported to being in the hospital. I also have the texts saying he can't come because the kids are sick.  I have texts where I give simple information to him and where he rages at me and belittles me. I have proof I have offered him days that we mine. I have proof that he said he was bipolar.  (I know labels don't matter but the point is all my actions were based on the information he gave me that he was unwell.)

**I have documentation from 6 months before we decided to divorce that I brought up his raging me at the car putting us in danger and a whole bunch of other dangerous circumstance regarding his drinking. I have him promising me he would go to AA and stop drinking. I have texts about him doing better in therapy and how his issues are related to his parents behaviors and for the first time he feels like he knows who he is.  I have texts showing he was having impulse control problems that brought him to our therapist for help. I have texts of him admitting that he needs help and focus on his mental and physical health. I have texts of him saying he uses alcohol and now work to cope. That he is hurting our family through his narcissistic entitlements. ***

Specific incidents within the 6 months before filing are usually given attention, older claims may be considered "stale".  However, documenting patterns of behavior can include incidents going further back in time.

It sounds like you will need a Custody Evaluation.  (A lot depends on him, he's only seeking the typical minimal dad time of alternate weekends, he may cave when time comes to appear in court.)  An experienced professional (mine was a child psychologist) will make an in-depth evaluation of each parent as well as their parenting.  Mention your concern of his treatment of animals and whether that might impact his parenting.  The problem with an inconsistent parent is that a set schedule doesn't address the times when the person is less fit to spend time with the children.  If a custody evaluator sees basis, you might get Decision Making, Tie Breaker status or an order giving you flexibility to adjust the schedule based upon his behaviors at that time.

*** If he only asked for every other weekend, I would be fine. I feel like thats enough time for the kids to know their dad without too much risk. However if he asks for more I'm not sure how to feel with his erratic behavior and confusing medical diagnosis, hoarding, and medical neglect. Plus we already have the unusual complication of him wanting to marry a child star woman who seems to be an instigator type after three months of meeting her. She's a smoker (My STBX always said if i ever smoked he'd divorce me) and lives in another country so I don't know how any of this makes sense and its hard on the kids. Just doesn't seem like a stable environment.***

One caution... .don't force him to take his parenting time.  Yes, you can schedule him for time but if he bails, let him bail.  Just be sure to document by email, text or whatever that you weren't turning him away and it was his decision to cancel or be elsewhere.  Documentation is the best way to counter his claims of alienation or blocking.  He can squeal all he wants about alienation but if you have records showing he declines his opportunities then his credibility will be weakened.

*** I have done this.  From Jan- Feb I just watched him bail on us and it's all documented via text. Not just to me, but he also texted my sister asking for her to pick up our kids. Now on occasion he doesn't facetime which is easier on me. I don't think anyone is a bad parent for missing a few facetime dates. However I'm sure he will bail more often when the heat is off of him.***