Thank you so much for your replies. It’s very comforting to have others understand what the situation may be like. I’ve certainly looked into the book ‘Walking on Eggshells’ it’s actually what lead me to this community. I’m certainly hoping to find some tools and ways that I can stop taking the things he says about me and to me so personally so I can move forward instead of trying to gain recognition and apologies from him. Sometimes he truly does not understand his behaviour is unacceptable and inappropriate.
It is great that you have SWOE already. And I bet you are right that he doesn't understand. My partner sure doesn't. The next biggest thing I found was the lecture by Fruzzetti about validation
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDSIYTQX_dkYou can't see the slides, but you'll still get the picture )
I almost feel silly explaining our recent conflict.
You and me, both! I am in the middle of a relationship meltdown because of the way that I asked her to go on a bike ride with me and that I had dinner ready when I said I would and not late like she expected when she was out with her friend and said she didn't know if she would be home for dinner or not. I mean... .I don't know. We can feel silly together, I guess.
Basically I accidentally broke the faucet in our kitchen. The same day I needed to use the ATV to plow the driveway ... .<snip> He was treating me very poorly being extremely condescending, snappy and rude.
That really hurts, doesn't it? I tend to take that kind of stuff so personally. I don't know if you are like me, but I always want to do a good job and I want other folks to see that I am at least trying to do a good job. So I am pretty sensitive to these kind of criticisms, especially when they come in an unfair, hurtful way. I do wonder, were there other things going on in his life at the time that might have set him up to get triggered? Anything from being hungry, angry (about something else), lonely, or tired (HALT) to other things going on earlier that day?
So much so I finally confronted him about what his issue was and why he was treating me that way that he exploded and expressed his frustration at the things I had broken. Told me I was being wreckless and when I tried defending myself telling him they were accidents he repeatedly told me that I was crazy calling me a wing nut and other profanities I’d rather not mention. It hurt me so much that he couldn’t understand how much of a nonissue it all was. They were accidents, I said sorry and asked him for his help to fix it. And it ended in us not talking for almost a week.
Brutal. That must have been so painful.
Until he came home after work the other day and acted like everything was back to normal. Still haven’t gotten an apology from him, not really sure I’m going to. I’m just hoping to find ways that others have coped in these scenarios and find ways not to take things so personally. I’m still looking for an apology because it still stings he accused me of being reckless and having some malicious motive. It’s so silly and ridiculous something so simple has lead to this. I should be able to ask for help and not be ridiculed and have it shoved in my face. I hope I’m not ranting. I’m trying very hard to move past it. I appreciate all the directions I’ve been given towards tools and resources. I will 100% be reviewing and hopefully implementing some changes in the way I respond to my fiancé.
What a painful couple of weeks. And you aren't ranting. There are a lot of painful stories around here... .Have you heard about what folks here call JADE? Justifying, Arguing, Defending, Explaining. 'Jading' is a bad idea, though it seems like a totally normal thing to do. I am still working on reducing how much of this I do, too. Basically jading tends to set off people with BPD (pwBPD). Jading tends to be very invalidating, and for pwBPD it can really push them into emotional dysregulation, at which point they are out of control. I don't know if your fiancé was feeling ashamed of how he'd treated you (waaaay deep down, probably not consciously), if he was feeling judged (I mean I know that you feel like he was judging you, but ... .these reactions aren't restricted to logic), or if he was feeling rejected and attacked. Those would make sense to me as a typical BPD reaction.
Can anybody else chime in on this?
In these kinds of situations one of the things that I am working on is to take it less personally. I don't know maybe it would help you, too. I try to 1)
believe my own truth. What I did was okay and reasonable. If I were the most confident person in the world, I actually wouldn't need anyone else to believe me or say they believe me, because I would know it was true. I try to pretend to be that person. What if I were that person? How would I handle this? Surprisingly, pretending to be super-confident I think makes me actually *less* selfish. In that mode, I feel less defensive and can actually sympathize with what my partner is going through more. What she is going through isn't my version of reality, but it is hers. I don't agree with her, and she doesn't agree with me, but my goal isn't to persuade her anymore. I can just be open to what she is going through. 2)
calm down in a sense, any reaction is *my* insecurity acting up. I feel like a little kid not getting any love. So that emotional reaction is in my court. That is the part that I work on. I try to see the feelings of insecurity when they come up; recognize that they are there, they are real, and they come from somewhere. And I try to let them go. (Oooh it is not easy! I do a crappy job!) Focusing on breathing helps me to calm down. I sometimes try to visualize all the upset draining off me into the ground. 3)
depersonalize it. my partner having a typical BPD response. It isn't necessarily that I did anything so bad or wrong, but my partner can't help respond like it is a crisis, because she feels like it is a crisis. It isn't. But she really feels that way, and I can't change her. I can see, though, that her reaction is about her more than it is about me. This clarifying who is responsible for what helps me to stay more calm, which keeps things from going so out of control. 4)
set boundaries. My partner gets really hurtful and sarcastic (which really pushes my buttons.) So I have decided that I will not participate in a conversation where my partner is being sarcastic. I just say, "I really want to talk to you right now, but you are being sarcastic. If you continue the sarcasm, I am going to leave. But I want to talk to you." (Again maybe somebody with more BPD-fu can offer tips here!) This move has actually started to work. Last night she started in on me, I stated my boundary, and she left it alone. I was actually impressed by both of us. I was brave enough to put the boundary out there (not my strong suit), and she was in control enough to listen and respect the boundary. Maybe it isn't sarcasm that hurts you, but it sounds like some nasty hurtful stuff was happening. Figuring out what your boundaries are for what constitutes a conversation in which you will take part might also help you feel like you have some more control in your life.
Hang in there! I hope things are more calm for you soon.
I hope that some of the above makes sense and might have some ideas for you. If I have given the impression that I deal with this perfectly then ha ha! Fooled you! I am a mess trying to muddle through the messy interactions, and I don't know what I am doing moment to moment. But I think this is a good path to be on to help life feel more in control.
