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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: What a weird dream anyone else get scared?  (Read 409 times)
Shawnlam
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Dating since 11/18. Trying to recover from 3 breakups
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« on: April 16, 2018, 12:14:38 AM »

Here I am up at 12:30 at night 5 hours before work  and scared of a dream about me BPDgf or maybe still exGF.This nightmare I just had scared the wits out of me and I thought to myself since I can’t sleep ,write it down.You see as of Sunday morning I “think” in away  it’s not over given what happened “ see my breakfast post”.
What scares me I realize is the pontential danger of being with someone like her for myself I mean.No at 212lbs,6ft I don’t mean physically I’m danger(even though it’s crossed my mind).I mean in general I feel her racing mind and BPD doesn’t  put me at ease at all.Even now that I know so so much more about BPD and other cluster b’s it’s made things worse if that makes sense.Before I just thought hmm she is just immature ,and likes to party because she was a mother young.

After reading and studying about BPD  she just doesn’t vaguely fit the criteria she is text book on all levels so I’m very confident of what she has.Knowing what I know now it’s scares me to think what she is going through right now,and she has been on a drinking bing for over a month(since the first time I left her).Now I’m wondering if this whole thing between us isn’t some sort of planned revenge? And if not I’m still worried because I don’t think after being not intimate since March 3rd with her ,when that time comes I’m gonna want to use protection because I don’t trust her impulsive ways anymore.All my std tests ( 2 since with her) came back spic and span ... .can you imagine how insulted she’s gonna be? That’s just the tip of the ice berg here then I have this dream I just had let me explain that... .

So in my dream I’m walking around with my ex gf (who oddly looked nothing like my ex in the dream),we are looking at buildings.My uncle who was married to my narcissistic aunt for 18 years is there showing the “new guy at work” around ? Yeah I know weird already.So I yell over hey come with us we Its our turn to show you around.So we go into this house and I tell my exGF (not the one with BPD my other normal gf I had for 8 years and still best friends), I said hey show him the hidden room! So up we go to these dark steps into this room with old stuff every where and all of a sudden “new guy at work” falls to the ground and starts convulsions but looks at me and in his eyes I can feel him say it’s ok it will pass ,my exGF is freaking out.The creepy part is just then and their the door slams shut and there is a hand stuck in it ,so I open the door to let the hand out and I can hear a child’s voice as it’s moving away laughing in the darkness and it says “ be careful they are darkness” and it repeats it twice as I’m looking at the new guy who’s lost control of his body ... .bam I wake up... .

So as you can see I’m in a dark place right now with all these questions.They are as follows .1: what does she want with me besides wanting to not be alone and I’m a safe guy 2: is it revenge coming and let the games begin on her side 3: she’s painted me black to everyone she knows garantied she will look stupid if she comes back so did she back herself in a corner 4: did she already get tired of the pubs,and sleeping around it hasn’t made her feel safe?5: is she obsessed with me because she doesn’t have full control on me? Cuz I dumped her twice I’m a conundrum for her? 6:is she truely danger to a better equipped shawn

Here are the questions for myself : 1: you knew what you did and why when you left ,so what are you doing here? 2: why did you go into the I love yous and kiss her yesterday knowing what doors you just finished closing are open ? 3: you know you have codependent tendencies and we’re doing great working on those and working on having a wise mind not a logical only mind 4: are you still doing this with your new found wealth of knowledge on BPD out of empathy and compassion for her or are you trying to prove to yourself you don’t lose (like you’ve done your whole life?). 5; this love you feel for someone with exceptional manipulation and people (survival skills) ,is it love or obsession? 6: what are your hopes to where this goes when every text book on the subject already tells you where it’s heading anyway dumb a$$?

All in all I know I love her,I do have compassion for her,I care and want to help her.I don’t and won’t jeapordize my integrity to do it or risk my health either.I want to be friends with her,I want her to feel I’m here for here (I failed her twice on that because of ego and pride).I think she needs me in her life and although she’s hurt me a lot ,what I’ve learnt about myself these last 6 months because of her(absolutely astounding).Plis what I’ve learnt about cluster b’s and people in general also absolutely astounding.So because I don’t have ties with her (almost had a kid) ,my risks are low as long as my boundaries protect my sanity and integrity I’m nervous but in an ok place right now.Why my sub concious is miss firing on all cylinders I don’t know it makes me very nervous... .my sixth sense is also kinda walking the guard tower with a nervous trigger finger if you know what I mean ... .

Is what I’m feeling here normal ?
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Lady Itone
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
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« Reply #1 on: April 16, 2018, 08:16:47 AM »

All in all I know I love her,I do have compassion for her,I care and want to help her.I don’t and won’t jeapordize my integrity to do it or risk my health either.I want to be friends with her,I want her to feel I’m here for here (I failed her twice on that because of ego and pride).I think she needs me in her life and although she’s hurt me a lot
Is what I’m feeling here normal ?

I'd say it's normal. I can personally relate to the above statement. Are you comfortable with keeping your expectations very, very low? She's already shown you what kind of partner she'll be. You're right that you'll need very strong boundaries, as well as a great support system outside of the relationship (which won't offer much support for your problems, it will always be about hers) and you'll need to have thick skin.

I'm speaking from the p.o.v. of someone who fell in love with and tried to have a normal relationship with a pwBPD. We tried being girlfriends and living together, etc... It was a disaster. Now, it's a long distance relationship, as I refuse to let her live with me and she can't afford to live in the same city as me on just her disability pay. I've also changed our dynamic to lovers/friends rather than girlfriends/partners. I find I can be kinder and more supportive with a whole lot of space between us and my focus on my own life instead of her constant drama.

Creepy dream for sure. Your subconscious wants you to listen up!
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Shawnlam
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Dating since 11/18. Trying to recover from 3 breakups
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« Reply #2 on: April 16, 2018, 08:27:30 AM »

I’m also thinking that separate living arrangements is the best way for me to go.I have a haven from the anarchy,even if what we will have is friendship I’ll still need the space.Im glad to see I’m not the only one who thinks distance boundaries and renaming the relationship to friends is a positive thing.I have a question for you if I may ask? How did she take it when you went from partners to friends? How did that transition out? Did she feel abandoned? Or upset? Or was she high functioning enough to realize it was the best thing for both of you?
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AnuDay
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Relationship status: Almost Recovered
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« Reply #3 on: April 16, 2018, 12:58:23 PM »

I'm sorry, but this is absolutely the wrong advice to give Shawn.  Shawn, you are one of the lucky ones who came to your senses early and got out on your own before you were "forced" out by other more drastic circumstances.  You have a chance now, don't blow it.  It's either all or nothing.  Never mind the guilt you feel.  You did the right thing.  You can't save everyone.  You're not Jesus.  Even if you were you would be crucified the same. Let her go... .or be with her 100%.  No jumping in and out, especially just for the sex or as Lady Urine phrases it, lover/friend.  Perhaps even get yourself 100% emotionally healthy and then decide if you want to jump back in.  In the meantime there'll be plenty of men waiting to play Super Hero for your ex... .let them and in the meantime work on yourself.

And yes, that dream was extremely scary.  I've had a nightmare myself that I used to remind me of just how mentally torturous being in that relationship was.
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Shawnlam
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Dating since 11/18. Trying to recover from 3 breakups
Posts: 520


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« Reply #4 on: April 16, 2018, 01:10:37 PM »

I’m going to dinner with her Wednesday, I’m 80% sure I’m going to get back with her if I feel she is also on that vibe.In the mean time I will learn learn and retrain myself
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Lady Itone
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« Reply #5 on: April 16, 2018, 06:45:35 PM »

I'm guessing that post by Anuday will get deleted by mods as a "run" message, but it makes good points.

Do we do harm by not being "100% in" or "100% out" of a relationship? I've grappled with this. My gfBPD isn't violent and does have empathy, or I'd definitely go NC. I don't feel like we're using each other, I think there's caring at our core.

To answer your questions about how my gfBPD handled the transition:

It didn't happen all at once. We did the makeup breakup dance for two years, finally I left her "for good." She ended up in a rehab facility, then moved into a group home specializing in mentally ill/addiction. She became wonderfully lucid, sober, and focused for a minute, and that's when I let her back into my life, but long-distance and without the expectations of a partnership.

I think she handles this better than she would if I went NC. Or maybe about the same. Hard to say, in the 2+ years I've known her, no matter what I do, or where she's lived (alone on a sailboat, with a family as their nanny, or with me) her sanity comes and goes. Sometimes when she's dysregulated, she'll beg me to let her move back in with me. When the winds change, she's glad to be somewhere safe and stable with few pressures. It is what it is.     
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Tattered Heart
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« Reply #6 on: April 17, 2018, 11:43:41 AM »

Staff only

Additional Guidelines for this Board: Please read the community guidelines (see link at the bottom of every thread). The following guidelines are also in effect for this board:
 
Please do not urge participants to exit their relationship. Members post here to find solutions to difficult problems. Please allow them the opportunity.

Please do not use this board as a place to complain about your partner without seeking constructive relationship advice.  We are here to find solutions.  It is a given that  our partners are difficult.

We are not victims and this board is not about right and wrong. Please do not  take sides in couples disputes or seek to have other members agree, support or defend your position in your relationship disputes.  This will only serve to polarize matters in your real life and make resolution further out of reach.
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