How can I stop uBPD parent from making dreadful financial decision

[peaceseeker500]

Hi, back again hoping for any useful advice anyone in a similar situation might have.

I have posted before about my relationship with my mother breaking down recently after I asked for a bit of a break. That spiralled into weeks if more and more abuse to a point where I had to get lawyers involved to try to get my mum to stop contacting me.

The issue is I have been looking after some money for my mum to eventually pay off the mortgage on her home. She has demanded I pay this back (I am happy to do this as it was always meant to pay off her mortgage at some point).  The problem is that after demanding we pay off the mortgage by Easter, she never sent any of the figures of details of where to pay the money so the lawyer contacted again to request this information. Now mum says she never got a actually requested a formal mortgage repayment statement and that she just wants the full amount paid to her boyfriend’s bank account.

I have a huge issue with this. Her boyfriend is a man she met online about 3 years ago and in that time has seen about once every 3 months on average apparently because he works two jobs as he is struggling to pay for his own home for him and his teenage kids (he is the same age as my siblings and my mother is in her sixties so that in itself raises alarm bells - my mum has been a victim to online scamming before and has sent thousands of pounds to a scammer abroad who she never met. She has already given this latest guy at least a couple of thousand pounds which he was meant to pay back after a month or so and has never done so.

I am terrified that this is a long play scam and that if I do as requested and pay this money to his account, mum willl never see it again and her mortgage won’t be paid off and she will lose her home. This is not a small amount of money I would feel much safer knowing I had paid it direct to the mortgage company so I know that the money is used for what it was intended rather than it just vanishing.

Has anyone any advice - I have spoken with doctors and while all of them accept my mum is ill. None think she is ill enough to not be capable of making her own decisions, but At what point can it be proven that she is not acting in her own best interest! She has threatened suicide, sent abusive emails to my husbands workplace sent horrific messages to me and my family, sent aggressive emails to my lawyer, made complaints to my lawyers boss about how unprofessional she thinks they are being. All of it completely irrational and disproportionate in any normal sort of person but yet there seems to be nothing anyone can do.  Is there really nothing I can do to prevent her from losing all of this money?

Desperately seeking some advice? 

[GaGrl]

How much information do you have about your mother's mortgage?  Do you have the account number?  I would think you could send the money directly to the mortgage company if you have that info.

Do NOT send the money to your mother's boyfriend's account.  You might as well throw it in the rubbish bin.

[Harri]

Hi peaceseeker.

Do you have a legal role for managing the money (have no idea of what words to use for my question.  maybe Guardian?)

If it is her money and she has not legally signed over any control to you then I would simply give her access to the account so she can do whatever she wants with it.  Or set up an account in her name.  I am assuming it is her money and you can't really dictate what she does with it.  I agree with Gagrl about not transferring it to boyfriends account.  She could easily turn that around and accuse you of doing something underhanded. 

You might want to take this to the Family Law board we have here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0

Beyond saying all that I can't really think of anything else to say other than I am sorry this is happening and that I too would be concerned.  You could try contacting elder services or the UK equivalent (I assume you are in the UK) but being elderly does not protect them from their own poor choices.

Seriously, check out the legal board and see what they have to say. 

[zachira]

I am sorry you are having to worry about your mother making sound financial decisions and think that her boyfriend may be taking advantage of her financially. If you mother qualifies as an elderly person under state law, you can report suspected financial abuse to the state, and they will investigate by checking bank accounts, etc.
If you think that a crime has been committed, you can report to law enforcement, who are well aware that the elderly and disabled are often targeted by scammers.
I talked to my mother's lawyer about getting her power of attorney and had a similar experience to yours. Her lawyer said she was still competent. Now my brother has her power of attorney.
You never know who will help you. My mother's accountant redid her taxes when she refused to report certain income to the IRS, without saying anything to her. She came in and signed, and asked no questions.
Let us know how you are doing and how we can help.

[peachtree487]

This must be very frustrating, especially since it sounds like your mom wants the money that's supposed to be used for her mortgage to go into her "boyfriend's" account - who knows what he might have told her, like maybe that if she paid this money for his house (or whatever), that he would in turn pay her mortgage or help her, or be there for her in the future.

Try reminding your mom, which I'm sure you probably already have, that she had you hold on to her mortgage money for a reason - She trusted you with it. So you want to make sure that is what the money is used for. People with BPD will go to extremes for getting what they need, feeling loved, etc, so it would not be hard for her boyfriend to convince her to give him the money - she might feel like he will leave her if she doesn't. Remind her that you are her flesh & blood, and will always be there for her, no matter what.

I do not know the UK laws, as I'm from the US, but surely they have similar laws, and I agree with what other users said in reply to this. You could try the option of proving that she is being taken advantage of by her much younger boyfriend, I don't know how old she is but it sounds like it might fall under elder abuse.

Has your mom ever been "Baker Acted"? - I am sure that's a US term, but it's where anyone can call authorities or emergency services to request that another person be held, either voluntarily or involuntarily, while they asssess / evaluate their mental health - like if she gets physically abusive, threatens to commit suicide, etc. It does not mean that the authorities will automatically hold her based on your word alone, unless she volunteers to be evaluated, but they will usually send the police, a social worker, or call an ambulance to do a quick assessment and go from there. I live in Florida where there's many older folks, and a lot of times, people end up being Baker Acted by family or any concerned person when they start showing symptoms of, but have not yet been diagnosed of illnesses like dementia & Alzheimers, or it confirms the severity of a mental illness. If your mom has ever been Baker Acted, or had reports made to the police for extreme behavior, etc., then that could be grounds for becoming a Durable Power of Attorney where it also states that she is not able to make her own decisions.

But keep in mind that a Durable Power of Attorney can also be written, (As of about 2010 here in the US), where both parties can make decisions - for you to decide for her, it needs to state that she is incapable somehow. My Grandmother made me her DP of A, but since she was still capable of making decisions on her own, we both had the same power, it was just put in place in case she became incapable, so that I or anyone else would not have to wait to prove her incapable - this new way they are doing this is great, because it prevents someone from having to be proven incapable, so the other person can step in and make decisions when things are slowly starting to go wrong, like when someone gets Alzheimers - it slowly sets in and is not always apparent, and people who are getting Alzheimers, at first, are able to hide it a bit, due to embarrassment, denial, etc.

Definitely speak to an attorney about this, and document everything you can, especially when / if your mom threatens suicide, and even come right out and ask her if she will assign you to be her Durable Power of Attorney - if she agreed, and if it's the same in the UK as the US, even if you were her DP OF A where she can still make decisions and is not declared incompetent, then you could just pay off her mortgage with the money without her permission, because each of you could do anything you want with it - you would just have to do it before she gave it to her boyfriend.

Good Luck, wish you well.

[peachtree487]

... .agreed, and if it's the same in the UK as the US, even if you were her DP OF A where she can still make decisions and is not declared incompetent, then you could just pay off her mortgage with the money without her permission, because each of you could do anything you want with it - you would just have to do it before she gave it to her boyfriend.

Good Luck, wish you well.

Sorry, I waited too long to edit - the statement I made toward the end of this reply, in bold & indented, may not be factual, I am not sure how that part of it works, because I never came across that issue when I was the Durable POA.

[peaceseeker500]

Thanks for all the responses, I managed to get my brother to have a chat with me about this last night which was also helpful.

I think comments about paying off the mortgage directly are the ideal unfortunately this was what I was trying to do but my mum refuses to send the details of mortgage company to allow me to do this.

We have spoken to a number of health professionals and police  who have said that she is not at risk  and is capable of making her own decisions even though she has threatened suicide and done some of the other things she has over the last couple of months. I am trying to speak to her dr again to explain that she wants this money to be sent to this high risk boyfriend rather than pay off her mortgage to see if that makes a difference.

Thank you ther are ideas in your replies that I hadn’t thought if, I will chat those through with family and my lawyer and see if we can find a sensible way forward.
I know I am not in a position to be in contact with my mum just now which is what has sparked all of this off - she is furiously fighting with everything she has because I said I wanted no contact and she knows that I will not trust giving this money to anyone other than her or the mortgage co. That said, I cannot just let her make what I know to be a wholly nonsensical decision despite my own needs for peace and a break from our relationship.

I will also take a look at the legal board and see if there is anything helpful on there.

[Harri]

I will also take a look at the legal board and see if there is anything helpful on there.

I think making a post about this situation on the legal board may yield better results. 

Goodluck with this.  I missed how the current no contact situation may be (or is) fueling her request.  Do you think she is bluffing or would she actually go through with giving the money to this man? 

[Turkish]

Money to the boyfriend's account goes to him.  So, no.  Elderly or not, it sounds like she can't be trusted with money. 

If there is any obligation here, write her a personal check and be done with it. Whatever she does with the money is her business. 

I remember my mom spending $5k on a commodities trading "course." I tried to talk her out of it, as did my friend whose father lost many tens of thousands actually trading commodities (I don't think my mom got to the point of ever buying anything). A few years later my mom first had her property almost put up for auction due to unpaid back taxes in the amount of... .(wait for it)  $5k. I helped her out, but it was ultimately money thrown down a hole.

[peachtree487]

Hope you find some good advice on the legal boards. About finding out where she has the mortgage / which company or bank- In the US, in some states, mortgage & loan info and property records are public record, so maybe the UK has something similar. Here in the US, some states even have the info online at the clerk of the court websites, while other states you have to look it up at the actual courthouse or order the records. Good Luck to you!