Wife won't go to therapy

[MrH]

Hello, I am frustrated that my wife wont seek help for an obvious issue and I'm forced to start diagnosing her myself in order to get through to her.

Many traits of borderline personality with Narcissistic tendencies

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

Hi there, MrH,

 

This is pretty common with BPD.  Since it's partly about avoiding blame and shame, facing the fact they have a mental illness/emotional disability would be accepting a LOT of blame and shame.  So they will balk and fight it.

I have been using the tools on this site to manage conflict in my relationship for almost 11 years now, and never once have I mentioned to my husband he has BPD.  To do so would actually do the opposite of what I want - I want him to listen to me, I want him to discuss things without worrying about blame, about who's at fault.  So I keep that elephant on a leash in the yard and don't let it into the room. 

NPD and BPD are close buddies, and a lot of the traits overlap.  Also, women and men with BPD can react in different ways to the same input.  it's not 100% important to get a professional to diagnose it.  Odds are, even if that DID happen, your W would simply ignore it and turn around and claim YOU have BPD (read some posts, that happens a lot on here), and then never talk to that therapist ever again. 

The good news is you've found a place where not only do other people "get it", you can see what we've tried, what works for us, and discuss what might work for you. 

Go over the tools, see what you can do in the relationship to help manage conflict better.  A lot of times the very same tools we can use to communicate with a non-disordered person backfire horribly if BPD is involved.

As we work to re-train ourselves and avoid invaliding comments and actions, things can improve.  As we detach a bit from the barbs and attempts to start a fight (they often can't process feelings without one, but we don't have to give them one), we see that things don't have to be out of control, we don't have to share their feelings, fix their feelings, and we can learn to be content even if they are freaking out.  As we actively work on us, the "nons", we passively encourage them to improve, too.  Once we stop reacting according to the script, they have to adjust to our new response patterns.  And as we get healthy, we kinda drag them along behind us.

Have you tried any of the tools, yet?  Do you have any boundaries about what types of BPD behavior you will not allow to hurt you?

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome MrH,

I'm sorry that you are seeing symptoms of BPD in your W. Could you share a little more about what has been going on?

[MrH]

Thank you, I am just looking at the tools now. I am pretty analytical in my thinking and she is very emotional, Some of it guess can be a male vs female thing but one big problem is that many of here negative emotional states, fear, frustration, anger causes a loss of cognitive ability, reasoning, and a major distortion of the memories of what has just taken place between us

We work together and while that works as far as funding for our company, she complains most the time I am with her until we are relaxed later in the evening. SHe thinks its just conversation but ist all negative. Complains about work, co-workers, her family, my family, random people who look at her, at the store, TV, God, life, you name it. And it's every single day

She is very quick to anger and quick to forget and "forgive" forgive is the operative word because no matter what happens even if i actually have nothing to do with her current problem - its my fault and she demands an apology, so she can forgive me. There is always fault or wrongdoing on my part, even just being there to complain to

[Survivor09]

Hi Mr. H,

I am very sorry about what you are experiencing with your wife. I totally understand some of your frustration. I too have a BPDwife. She has definitely been to therapy and we have even been together but she is unwilling to commit to treatment. She doesn't mind accepting her anxiety, or depression diagnosis but she refuses to address BPD. She lies to me on a regular basis about her participation in therapy and the treatment plan that was prescribed to her by the therapist and psychiatrist but the therapist always confirms that she is in fact not attending therapy nor communicating with the professional team assigned to her.

Im no expert in this, as I've only been married 9 years and new to this group myself. Although I wish I had found this 10 years ago. A lot would be different today. Nevertheless, I am learning how to take my focus off of my wife's treatment needs and focus on my own mental health and safeguarding my peace and overall sanity. It's difficult to think of allowing someone you love to go untreated when they are sick but you both have individual responsibilities to make choices concerning your health and wellness. When dealing with a BPD spouse, you can feel like the only adult in the relationship and sometimes that really is the case emotionally. I've learned how to consider my wife's mental illness when I am interacting with her. It helps me to remain calm and keep in mind that she possibly would act better if she only knew how. Your self care is going to be key in surviving along with learning how to best interact with a BPD spouse.

Please take time to read many of the articles provided for us on this site.

I hope you find every increasing peace!

Survivor09

[isilme]

I am pretty analytical in my thinking and she is very emotional, Some of it guess can be a male vs female thing but one big problem is that many of here negative emotional states, fear, frustration, anger causes a loss of cognitive ability, reasoning, and a major distortion of the memories of what has just taken place between us... .

... .she complains most the time I am with her until we are relaxed later in the evening. SHe thinks its just conversation but ist all negative. Complains about work, co-workers, her family, my family, random people who look at her, at the store, TV, God, life, you name it. And it's every single day

No, it's not a male/female thing, it's pretty much a BPD thing.  My husband does pretty much all of that.  Yes, it can be exhausting.  The litany of wrongs and offenses and just plain negative-Nancy comments can really wear anyone down, parlty because we often take it as a chellenge to cheer them up, prove them it's not so bad, to "fix" how they are feeling.

I've been working on "radical acceptance" of H's BPD.  Part of this means I chalk up a lot of things to the disorder, and am trying to train my brain to filter what I can ignore, what needs a response, and what kind of response is needed.  A lot of things I can ignore.  They don't require a response or action on my part, and if a response IS warranted, sometimes a validation of his feelings (not what he's saying, just the feelings he is expressing) is enough.

Basically, a big step for me that will likely always be "in progress" is letting go of my knee-jerk desire to control his emotions to be ones I find acceptable. 

I tell myself - he can be mad, and I don't have to fix it, especially if it's really out of my control and I did nothing to cause it.

He can be sad, and I don't have to fix it, especially if it's really out of my control and I did nothing to cause it.

Even if he tries to put things off on me, and blames me for things, I don't have to apologize or fix it, especially if it's really out of my control and I did nothing to cause it.

This is a mantra I have to keep saying over and over.  I am a codependent survivor of a double-BPD parent childhood.  Letting go of needing to "fix" things is very hard.  But it's important.  Because as long as we try to take responsibility for their emotions, they never learn to do it themselves.