How can you be friends with feelings involved?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Good evening, Struggler123 ---

Those are all great questions --- What I would do is copy them over and post them into a new thread to get the online experts to take a fresh set of eyes at this topic.   I know they will... .  When it gets into a longer thread, it may not get the response quickly. 

In my opinion and in my own experience only ---

1--- BPDs need someone to idolize and idolize them.  It seems to me when the shine wears off the penny (because of the behavior or getting close to where they sense the fear of abandonment), they latch on somewhere else.   The sense of abandonment isn't necessarily "real" - but it is real to them.  I think that is why so many go from relationship to another and another.   In short - I'd say yes.  They don't seem to function well alone.

2---  That's a personal question that you have to consider how you feel.   There are pros and cons -- the biggest pro would be that you'd have your answer, but the cons are a very long list.   

3---  Your human!  From what I understand of the disorder, the reason so many people here have issues detaching is because they put on this false front of their SO being put on a pedestal.   That is a great feeling... .when it goes away, it doesn't make sense and it isn't handled logically.   Don't confuse temporary pain with long-term love.

4---IMHO he likely exists... .  but he may not be what she makes him out to be.  Remember -- you aren't the only one she puts on a pedestal... .it's a repeating offense most likely. 

5--- As I mentioned... .I wasn't married to my unexBPDSO.   I didn't really want that after losing my husband, and it just wasn't stable enough to think it would likely work to consider it -- AFTER 14 YEARS!    My short answer --- anything with a a BPD that involves a relationship and communication and expectations is hard.   You are tearing your hair out now.   I can't remember how long you have known one another, but this is still the "honeymoon"!   Give it 20 and see where you are... .   

[tlc232]

Good evening, Struggler123 ---

Those are all great questions --- What I would do is copy them over and post them into a new thread to get the online experts to take a fresh set of eyes at this topic.   I know they will... .  When it gets into a longer thread, it may not get the response quickly. 

In my opinion and in my own experience only ---

1--- BPDs need someone to idolize and idolize them.  It seems to me when the shine wears off the penny (because of the behavior or getting close to where they sense the fear of abandonment), they latch on somewhere else.   The sense of abandonment isn't necessarily "real" - but it is real to them.  I think that is why so many go from relationship to another and another.   In short - I'd say yes.  They don't seem to function well alone.

2---  That's a personal question that you have to consider how you feel.   There are pros and cons -- the biggest pro would be that you'd have your answer, but the cons are a very long list.   

3---  Your human!  From what I understand of the disorder, the reason so many people here have issues detaching is because they put on this false front of their SO being put on a pedestal.   That is a great feeling... .when it goes away, it doesn't make sense and it isn't handled logically.   Don't confuse temporary pain with long-term love.

4---IMHO he likely exists... .  but he may not be what she makes him out to be.  Remember -- you aren't the only one she puts on a pedestal... .it's a repeating offense most likely. 

5--- As I mentioned... .I wasn't married to my unexBPDSO.   I didn't really want that after losing my husband, and it just wasn't stable enough to think it would likely work to consider it -- AFTER 14 YEARS!    My short answer --- anything with a a BPD that involves a relationship and communication and expectations is hard.   You are tearing your hair out now.   I can't remember how long you have known one another, but this is still the "honeymoon"!   Give it 20 and see where you are... .   

[Struggler123]

Good evening, Struggler123 ---

Those are all great questions --- What I would do is copy them over and post them into a new thread to get the online experts to take a fresh set of eyes at this topic.   I know they will... .  When it gets into a longer thread, it may not get the response quickly. 

In my opinion and in my own experience only ---

1--- BPDs need someone to idolize and idolize them.  It seems to me when the shine wears off the penny (because of the behavior or getting close to where they sense the fear of abandonment), they latch on somewhere else.   The sense of abandonment isn't necessarily "real" - but it is real to them.  I think that is why so many go from relationship to another and another.   In short - I'd say yes.  They don't seem to function well alone.

2---  That's a personal question that you have to consider how you feel.   There are pros and cons -- the biggest pro would be that you'd have your answer, but the cons are a very long list.   

3---  Your human!  From what I understand of the disorder, the reason so many people here have issues detaching is because they put on this false front of their SO being put on a pedestal.   That is a great feeling... .when it goes away, it doesn't make sense and it isn't handled logically.   :)on't confuse temporary pain with long-term love.

4---IMHO he likely exists... .  but he may not be what she makes him out to be.  Remember -- you aren't the only one she puts on a pedestal... .it's a repeating offense most likely. 

5--- As I mentioned... .I wasn't married to my unexBPDSO.   I didn't really want that after losing my husband, and it just wasn't stable enough to think it would likely work to consider it -- AFTER 14 YEARS!    My short answer --- anything with a a BPD that involves a relationship and communication and expectations is hard.   You are tearing your hair out now.   I can't remember how long you have known one another, but this is still the "honeymoon"!   Give it 20 and see where you are... .   

Thank you so much for taking out the time to answer, my questions I have posted them in a separate thread to get the opinions of other experts as well but to no avail yet. I completely agree with the things you said. Its just taking me time to accept the fact that someone that showers you with so much love can easily just settle like that. She still says that she loves me and that she will never love
Someone more than me and thats what keeps echoing in my ear. But it makes me think that if shes doing this to me, what is she telling the other guy? I dont understand why she keeps making contact with me. She tried reaching out again to me today, but as hard as it was I didn’t pick up and she just left a message saying please stop this, this is enough just pick up once. But, I know what I want to say but I know it won’t get me what I want. If I tell her to pick between me and the new guy, shes going to tell me can you offer me marriage, can you give me the things he can and at that point ill have to decide between keeping my boundaries or her needs. When, I suppose what I would like to do is give the relationship another try, and if thats not possible, then maybe no contact is the right form of remedy for me, Thoughts?

[once removed]

1) Are all BPD’s prone to cheating and spending too much when they want to get feelings out of their system?

all people with BPD (or BPD traits) arent prone to any one thing. think of it this way Struggler123, it would be like saying "all introverts or extroverts (or any other group of people) do  _____". BPD is a cluster of personality traits, on a spectrum that has over 300 combinations, ranging widely in severity.

is your ex prone to cheating and spending too much when she wants to get feelings out of her system? then you might correlate that with impulsivity, feelings of emptiness, emotional immaturity, fears of abandonment, dependence on external validation, etc.

2) If I were to contact her and tell her how I feel about her, and tell her that I still want to be in a relationship with her,  but she has to let go of this other guy because I dont want to be caught in a web. Would that be a good idea?

i would think bigger picture than "good idea/bad idea". think it through.

1. will she let go of the other guy?
2. lets say she lets go of the other guy. what if she starts pushing for marriage? what will you tell her? what will you do? have you changed your mind on the level of commitment youre willing to invest?

remember what i said about sometimes people wanting two different things. sometimes those things are important enough to them, and theres a big enough difference between the two of them, that its better that they find this in someone else.

3)Why are my feelings spiraling out of control, I was the one that didn’t want marriage but if I had known it would have hurt me like this I would have at least gotten engaged.

because youre grieving, Struggler123, and because its a big blow when someone you break up with jumps into another relationship.

i would urge caution in letting these feelings (feelings are temporary) push you to act.

4) Is it possible that this new guy doesn’t exist and its just a plot to get me to cave in before shes in the same town as me, or she’s doing this so that I compete with the new guy and she can get a boost on her ego

its not impossible, but it doesnt seem likely, and she would be going to pretty extreme lengths to make all of these things up, seek your opinion on them, etc, all for a guy that doesnt exist.

5) Why is marriage so hard with someone with BPD?

im not sure what you mean here. the two of you werent married, right?

[Struggler123]

all people with BPD (or BPD traits) arent prone to any one thing. think of it this way Struggler123, it would be like saying "all introverts or extroverts (or any other group of people) do  _____". BPD is a cluster of personality traits, on a spectrum that has over 300 combinations, ranging widely in severity.

is your ex prone to cheating and spending too much when she wants to get feelings out of her system? then you might correlate that with impulsivity, feelings of emptiness, emotional immaturity, fears of abandonment, dependence on external validation, etc.

i would think bigger picture than "good idea/bad idea". think it through.

1. will she let go of the other guy?
2. lets say she lets go of the other guy. what if she starts pushing for marriage? what will you tell her? what will you do? have you changed your mind on the level of commitment youre willing to invest?

remember what i said about sometimes people wanting two different things. sometimes those things are important enough to them, and theres a big enough difference between the two of them, that its better that they find this in someone else.

because youre grieving, Struggler123, and because its a big blow when someone you break up with jumps into another relationship.

i would urge caution in letting these feelings (feelings are temporary) push you to act.

its not impossible, but it doesnt seem likely, and she would be going to pretty extreme lengths to make all of these things up, seek your opinion on them, etc, all for a guy that doesnt exist.

im not sure what you mean here. the two of you werent married, right?

Thank you so much for answering all my questions, it does help to get an oustide experts opinion. She was prone to spending a lot which was why she was trying to control herself, she would always tell me about how she spends too much and she has to stop it. As for the cheating, I always thought she was really loyal but, I remember the first time we broke up she kissed another guy, at some party.  She used to say that if I would ask her to marry her she would drop the other guy but she knows that im not going to, because i didnt ask her to wait for me or show any commitment. All I honestly asked for, was to get settled in my career and I would have given her the commitment she asked for but, due to unforseen events It got delayed.  We weren’t married, we only dated for a year. I was friends with her for a year before that. She used to say that I was the one that saved her and that what she has with me special and no one can come in between that not even the new guy. But it just hurts; when everytime I try to forget about her she charms back in by calling or texting me. She made her choice, and your right I am grieving, but I never thought i’d lose myself to this extent. The last 6 months of our relationship, i became a bit distant for this very reason cause i thought she would break up with me again but she was loyal, caring and on the best behavoir until this happened and now she wants me to act like everything is fine and that we can still talk about all the same things we used to talk about and I cant get myself to do it. I’m sorry, it makes me think whether If I had married her would we still have been together, would I have been in a better state or more miserable thats why i asked how marriage is with someone with BPD. Thoughts?

[once removed]

it does help to get an oustide experts opinion.

its an aside point, but i want to stress that none of us here are experts. we are just folks who have walked or are walking in similar, but uniquely "our own" shoes.

I’m sorry, it makes me think whether If I had married her would we still have been together, would I have been in a better state or more miserable thats why i asked how marriage is with someone with BPD. Thoughts?

at the end of the day, Struggler123, i think you are describing significant incompatibilities with this girl. thats the reason most relationships end. sometimes even when those incompatibilities are clear, we continue to invest, more and more deeply, which makes the ending even harder. incompatibilities dont necessarily stop us from feeling intensely for a person.

your right I am grieving, but I never thought i’d lose myself to this extent.

i was such a basket case that i genuinely wondered if the weather or the month had to do with why my ex broke up with me. kind of a stretch, right? nevermind the thousands of other what ifs, regrets, doubts.

theyre a part of grief. to me, with your circumstances, a lot of what you are mulling over is pretty natural; id be wondering the same things. life really threw you for a loop that there wasnt really any way to prepare for.

it sounds to me, at the heart of things, that this has all caused you to feel powerless. and when we feel powerless, we often ruminate, fantasize, daydream, whatever, over things we have no power over.

give it time Struggler123, keep asking questions, but lean into grieving and healing. this stuff will sort out. your state of disbelief is natural, but it will not last forever.

[Struggler123]

its an aside point, but i want to stress that none of us here are experts. we are just folks who have walked or are walking in similar, but uniquely "our own" shoes.

at the end of the day, Struggler123, i think you are describing significant incompatibilities with this girl. thats the reason most relationships end. sometimes even when those incompatibilities are clear, we continue to invest, more and more deeply, which makes the ending even harder. incompatibilities dont necessarily stop us from feeling intensely for a person.

i was such a basket case that i genuinely wondered if the weather or the month had to do with why my ex broke up with me. kind of a stretch, right? nevermind the thousands of other what ifs, regrets, doubts.

theyre a part of grief. to me, with your circumstances, a lot of what you are mulling over is pretty natural; id be wondering the same things. life really threw you for a loop that there wasnt really any way to prepare for.

it sounds to me, at the heart of things, that this has all caused you to feel powerless. and when we feel powerless, we often ruminate, fantasize, daydream, whatever, over things we have no power over.

give it time Struggler123, keep asking questions, but lean into grieving and healing. this stuff will sort out. your state of disbelief is natural, but it will not last forever.

Honestly when you see people that understand the struggle and understand how intense the relationship, and to give their input that makes all the difference. I think part of the problem is that I knew this day would come I just wasn’t ready for it. You can do everything right keep all your walls up, but eventually when the wave comes it will break everything in its way. I’m really sorry I can only imagine the toll it had on you. No one should have to go through that.  I think part of the problem is that I am still having dreams about her and even though consciously im acting like im fine, I know she did have a toll on me. Sometimes I want to express my anger at her and then I realize whats the difference, what good is it going to do, to make the greatest speech that ill regret. But if its one thing I know, its her loss, and if this is her way of winning, she can keep it. Relationshos are suppose to make you less stressed not more stressed. I was so caught up on the affection, and time, I didn’t realize the price of it, and stress is already bad for my health, i’m in my early 20’s i’ll bounce back one way or another, i Hope

[once removed]

i’m in my early 20’s i’ll bounce back one way or another, i Hope

i was in my early twenties too.

after some of the initial pain has tapered off, id really encourage you to dive in and do some relationship post mortem work on the Learning board. a lot of us go through this again.

you do the grieving, and learn the lessons, and youll be lightyears ahead of your peers.

[Struggler123]

i was in my early twenties too.

after some of the initial pain has tapered off, id really encourage you to dive in and do some relationship post mortem work on the Learning board. a lot of us go through this again.

you do the grieving, and learn the lessons, and youll be lightyears ahead of your peers.

Do you ever find yourself still caught up in your ex relationship or how they are doing? I guess the question is when do you feel content with yourself, and you stop blaming yourself. I had so many thoughts, I even thought about talking to her and telling her everything because a part of me thought that maybe her BPD was cured and it was only certain traits but its just so overwhelmimg at times.

[once removed]

keep in mind im answering from my own experience, and i am several years removed from the relationship. mileage varies for all of us.

the readers digest version is that it took me about six months to get over the pain, six months or so to get over the residual anger and get my life back to normal, start seeing other people, etc.

i think of my ex about as much as any other ex, here and there. its not something i dwell on or miss, or am discomforted by. i made peace some time ago that we loved each other very much, but couldnt make it work. and yes, there was a time that i wanted to marry her.

I guess the question is when do you feel content with yourself, and you stop blaming yourself. I had so many thoughts, I even thought about talking to her and telling her everything because a part of me thought that maybe her BPD was cured and it was only certain traits but its just so overwhelmimg at times.

ill tell you the same thing i would on the Learning board.

"blame" doesnt really get anyone anywhere. it wont help you to blame yourself, or to blame her.

in the early days, i did a lot of that. a lot of what ifs. a lot of fears, doubts, regrets. there was so much pain that to entertain any of them wasnt productive at all. grief, trauma, depression, the likes most of us go through in the aftermath of these relationships can be so overwhelming. its really hard to see the forest through the trees. everything looks amplified and distorted. it really helped me when i accepted that what i was going through was very common, that there were others going through similar, that i would have wild ups and downs for a while, and a long road of recovery ahead of me. it made the tougher days easier to ride out. my narrative about what happened changed many, many times, as i fully grieved and as i recovered.

but then once i did, i carried some of my old baggage and dysfunctional coping into the next two relationships, and i realized i had a lot to learn. so in a sense, i went back, and i saw my role in my relationship a lot more clearly. it wasnt so much about blame as it was learning from my mistakes, and the path it was going to take for me to get to healthier relationships in the future. that was impossible to do early on, even if i had wanted to.

in your case, i think that you fundamentally did the right thing for both you and for her. you saw the writing on the wall, that you both wanted significantly different things, and you exited with grace. sometimes the best decisions are the hardest ones. and then you got blindsided when she jumped into an engagement with someone else, and its perfectly natural that that would cause a lot of conflicted and difficult feelings.

one of the lessons that i think will help you not only in your recovery, but in your path to healthier relationships, will be to learn more about living your values and your boundaries. youll come to realize that doing so is essential in any relationship, even when its the hardest.

this would be a good start: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

[Struggler123]

keep in mind im answering from my own experience, and i am several years removed from the relationship. mileage varies for all of us.

the readers digest version is that it took me about six months to get over the pain, six months or so to get over the residual anger and get my life back to normal, start seeing other people, etc.

i think of my ex about as much as any other ex, here and there. its not something i dwell on or miss, or am discomforted by. i made peace some time ago that we loved each other very much, but couldnt make it work. and yes, there was a time that i wanted to marry her.

ill tell you the same thing i would on the Learning board.

"blame" doesnt really get anyone anywhere. it wont help you to blame yourself, or to blame her.

in the early days, i did a lot of that. a lot of what ifs. a lot of fears, doubts, regrets. there was so much pain that to entertain any of them wasnt productive at all. grief, trauma, depression, the likes most of us go through in the aftermath of these relationships can be so overwhelming. its really hard to see the forest through the trees. everything looks amplified and distorted. it really helped me when i accepted that what i was going through was very common, that there were others going through similar, that i would have wild ups and downs for a while, and a long road of recovery ahead of me. it made the tougher days easier to ride out. my narrative about what happened changed many, many times, as i fully grieved and as i recovered.

but then once i did, i carried some of my old baggage and dysfunctional coping into the next two relationships, and i realized i had a lot to learn. so in a sense, i went back, and i saw my role in my relationship a lot more clearly. it wasnt so much about blame as it was learning from my mistakes, and the path it was going to take for me to get to healthier relationships in the future. that was impossible to do early on, even if i had wanted to.

in your case, i think that you fundamentally did the right thing for both you and for her. you saw the writing on the wall, that you both wanted significantly different things, and you exited with grace. sometimes the best decisions are the hardest ones. and then you got blindsided when she jumped into an engagement with someone else, and its perfectly natural that that would cause a lot of conflicted and difficult feelings.

one of the lessons that i think will help you not only in your recovery, but in your path to healthier relationships, will be to learn more about living your values and your boundaries. youll come to realize that doing so is essential in any relationship, even when its the hardest.

this would be a good start: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

Sometimes the right choice is always the hardest.  I kind of wish I had read this earlier, because I don't know if I did the right thing but, I got tired of her calling me, so I finally got the courage to call her and set things straight. It was 1 hour of my emotions changing from sad, upset, anger to calm.  It was 1 hour of someone that I didn't want to be but I broke down. I told her everything and how I felt, but she said that she doesn't blame me and it was just wasn't our time. She said she tried everything for us to be together, and she was being pressured by her parents, and then she asked me, and had I told her to say no, she would have said no. Indirectly, I felt like she was blaming me, and saying that I didn't fight for her, and she fought for me. She saw that I didn't care, when she asked me if she should marry him. I told her that the idea of her asking me meant that she had already made up her mind. I always believed that if its meant to be it will be, and she threw that at me as well. She was like she understands that I'm angry, confused and upset, but this was reality and that I should accept it now and move on. I then asked her if she was happy with him, and she said thats unfair and then when she answered yes, it broke me down, but I needed to hear it. At that point, I told her that I'm not mad at her, but like she was able to move on, I need to do that as well and I'll do it my way, She said she understood and said that she was okay with whatever I had in mind, because she really cares about me. After that I just told her congratulations, and i wish her the best, but I can't be friends with her because I don't know how to anymore and its unfair for her to expect that for me. At which point is she said okay, take care of yourself, i love you, and then I finally got the courage to block her because I want to move on, and her charming over me was making it difficult for me. I gave her the closure she needed, and I guess in a way she gave me the answers to the questions I already knew.

Thoughts?

[Cromwell]

My thoughts are that on the face of it, it ended remarkably well, most likely because she feels secure that whilst with this other guy, she didnt feel any abandoment trigger from you. At the same time, it may have helped you that you got the opportunity to pour out your emotions directly, and it didnt end up in a blame game but ended amicably. If I were in your position id feel fortunate for it to finish as smoothly as it had with no unresolved drama in the background to worry about. This now gives you the time and space to heal without disruption. I think you should take this as a perfect opportunity to draw a line under this and not look back, but look forward, this person caused you a great deal of unhappiness, and doesnt seem to be able to have the emotional maturity to acknowledge any role that she played in causing you to feel that way. Not only is this not the sort of qualities id expect from a partner of marriage material, but isnt of any value as a friend either. I know the issue here is having had strong feelings, these will resolve themselves in time, even though they are very raw at the moment Struggler123

[Struggler123]

My thoughts are that on the face of it, it ended remarkably well, most likely because she feels secure that whilst with this other guy, she didnt feel any abandoment trigger from you. At the same time, it may have helped you that you got the opportunity to pour out your emotions directly, and it didnt end up in a blame game but ended amicably. If I were in your position id feel fortunate for it to finish as smoothly as it had with no unresolved drama in the background to worry about. This now gives you the time and space to heal without disruption. I think you should take this as a perfect opportunity to draw a line under this and not look back, but look forward, this person caused you a great deal of unhappiness, and doesnt seem to be able to have the emotional maturity to acknowledge any role that she played in causing you to feel that way. Not only is this not the sort of qualities id expect from a partner of marriage material, but isnt of any value as a friend either. I know the issue here is having had strong feelings, these will resolve themselves in time, even though they are very raw at the moment Struggler123

The reason I think she didn’t feel any abandoment trigger was because I really did give her my everything, but I wasn’t ready for marriage and I said that time after time. To be honest, I feel like she had the back up guy for a long time, and when she saw I was not going to budge, she went after the next best thing and I mean good for her. I do feel like crap at the moment, but I personally think this was as good as it was gonna go. But, acknowledging the fact that she seems to think I could have stopped her from marrying this person, was a very wrong idea. At the end of the day, we make our own choices and we should be held accountable for it. She was trying to keep in touch earlier but, I just wanted closure and I think its time for me to stick to this now.  I hope shes able to get the marriage that I couldn’t give her.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Struggler,

You've had some really good input in this thread.  It sounds like you've reached a place of acceptance.  It's a place we all must reach in our own time.  I know it still hurts, but I can see you working through this and taking a logical stance.  Losing someone we love is painful, and that pain can drive us to act in order to make it stop.  Unfortunately, to detach we must embrace that pain and allow it to run it's course.  It's hard, but not as impossible as we may first imagine.  We're here with you on the journey.  Right now, take the love you feel for her and give it to yourself.  Be kind to you, and patient.  You're on the right track.   

Love and light x

[Struggler123]

Hi Struggler,

You've had some really good input in this thread.  It sounds like you've reached a place of acceptance.  It's a place we all must reach in our own time.  I know it still hurts, but I can see you working through this and taking a logical stance.  Losing someone we love is painful, and that pain can drive us to act in order to make it stop.  Unfortunately, to detach we must embrace that pain and allow it to run it's course.  It's hard, but not as impossible as we may first imagine.  We're here with you on the journey.  Right now, take the love you feel for her and give it to yourself.  Be kind to you, and patient.  You're on the right track.   

Love and light x

It’s been a tough journey, but just wish I could have avoided it all together. Its hard accepting the fact that the words she said were just words. She always had a back-up in mind, and thats the cold truth. I used to be a very happy person, and I still try to be. I was really surprised by how calm she was about the whole thing, making it seem like shes doing me a favor and all this anger and frustrations I had she was allowing me to vent it out. But thats the hard truth, we accept the love we think we deserve and sometimes its never enough.

[Harley Quinn]

I know what you mean when you say you wish you could have avoided it altogether.  There was a point I felt regret for ever meeting my ex.  Silver linings aren't always that clear to see when we're only a short time out of a very painful situation, but I believe we go through what we do for a reason.  Perhaps in time you will look back on this and be thankful for the experience for the learning you take away from it.  Right now there is grief to process and you're accepting some very difficult truths.  It's uncomfortable to say the least.  How are you doing? 

Love and light x

[Struggler123]

I know what you mean when you say you wish you could have avoided it altogether.  There was a point I felt regret for ever meeting my ex.  Silver linings aren't always that clear to see when we're only a short time out of a very painful situation, but I believe we go through what we do for a reason.  Perhaps in time you will look back on this and be thankful for the experience for the learning you take away from it.  Right now there is grief to process and you're accepting some very difficult truths.  It's uncomfortable to say the least.  How are you doing? 

Love and light x

Thank you so much for checking up on me. You are absolutely right, everything happens for a reason. In a way, I am grateful because had I been married to her I would have been miserable. It took me some time to accept the truth that, if something doesnt feel right it usually isn’t. The cold hard truth is that, you can’t win with BPD. I learned that first hand, when I called her and she blamed me. She told me I didnt fight for her and I could have stopped her from saying yes. At that point I had a lot of anger, I wanted to yell at her but I calmly remember saying you made a choice and its time you take responsibility for it. Now instead of playing blame games, you wanted marriage and you got it. Now that you are getting married fulfill it, and be faithful to it instead of holding me back. I remember even asking her are you happy with this guy to which she was reluctatant to answer and then said yes, and I was like alright then why am I wasting my time here. Its clear that she moved on, and the last straw was her saying i love you to me when I told her I want nothing to do with her. Theres no empathy, no remorse, and a person like that doesnt deserve to be a part of my life. I’m slowly, letting go and drawing that fine line of no return. Will she regret it? Maybe. But its her loss.

[Cromwell]

Struggler, without any therapy any marriage she goes into will be a shambles. thats if it even ever happens at all. Concentrate on your life, youve got all the right ingredients and proven yourself smart enough that you evaded some serious carnage happening to you. youll find someone who deserves you, but not if you keep holding on to emotional baggage or beat yourself down with "what ifs". I regret the time I wasted when I was younger, you notice it far more as you get older. dont let people like her keep you back, every day is precious and full of opportunity for those who seek it.

Cromwell

[tlc232]

Struggler, without any therapy any marriage she goes into will be a shambles. thats if it even ever happens at all. Concentrate on your life, youve got all the right ingredients and proven yourself smart enough that you evaded some serious carnage happening to you. youll find someone who deserves you, but not if you keep holding on to emotional baggage or beat yourself down with "what ifs". I regret the time I wasted when I was younger, you notice it far more as you get older. dont let people like her keep you back, every day is precious and full of opportunity for those who seek it.

Well said!   (as always!)... . 

[Struggler123]

Struggler, without any therapy any marriage she goes into will be a shambles. thats if it even ever happens at all. Concentrate on your life, youve got all the right ingredients and proven yourself smart enough that you evaded some serious carnage happening to you. youll find someone who deserves you, but not if you keep holding on to emotional baggage or beat yourself down with "what ifs". I regret the time I wasted when I was younger, you notice it far more as you get older. dont let people like her keep you back, every day is precious and full of opportunity for those who seek it.

Cromwell

Thank you so much, its like they say when someone listens to you at your lowest, thats all you need. I'm glad that I was able to find this place, because its helped me grow as a person as well. Your completely right, I remember her telling me that she went and in and out of therapy for depression. And at one point one therapist said he didn't want to treat her anymore, never asked for the details but yeah, I hope she gets what she wanted, and stays happy. Marriage itself is a big commitment, and soon she will realize that, its a give and take not a take take it all kind of thing.  I'm glad I got the closure that I needed, everytime I slightly think about her, I just remember her telling me "I'm happy with him." I don't know if its anger, or just remorse, but that's all I needed to hear. I think this was as best as it could go. Will she try to reach out to me in the future? Sure, maybe. But at that point I'll be even more of an idiot to get sucked back in. I missed out on a lot of things, and its time to be myself again. Any more tips and words of wisdom will always be appreciated as always!

Thank you.

[Struggler123]

@TLC

"I only have one heart to give and one mind to lose -- I choose to fall in love with someone who will take both... ."


That's by far the deepest thing I've read, and it really hit home. No one deserves, to take away two of your vital organs. Hope you become the best that you can be! It's the beginning of a new journey.