Trigger Effect

[SuperVillian]

Last night while dBPDw and I were putting our children to bed, s6 suddenly got quiet and started sobbing. We asked what was going on, and he replied, "I missed you when you were in the hospital." (referring when w was admitted and stayed a week at mental health facility for the 2nd time about a year and half ago). Understandably, this is a sensitive and triggering subject for both my wife and I. We were kinda shocked he remembered it, but not only had he remembered it he spoke about how he felt while she was there, asked if she was in pain, and made her "pinky swear" she'd never go back. Again, understandably this reminded my wife of that difficult time and the effects it had, and currently has on our family. She had an emotional, but calm and reassuring conversation, with him to help ease his mind.

Wife is currently in the throes of an extremely depressive phase, blaming herself for all our familial woes, blaming me for all our marital woes and a large chunk of her depression, all the while accusing me of not loving her and all the things that go along with that. To pile last night's reminder on top of that, adds yet another weight to heavy burden.

As a nearly textbook "caretaker" (I'm trying to work on that), I've put all my baggage and needs as someone diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder on the back burner and go into "work mode", trying to take care of everyone's needs, my wife and children. Unhealthy for sure because after of few years of this, I'm burning out for sure. But my question is how, if at all, can I run interference between my kids innocent, yet triggering, questions/emotions and my wife?   

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[Tattered Heart]

How sad for your son. I think it's wonderful that he expressed himself to your W. I'm sure it was hard for her to hear, but it might be something she needed to hear. He was affected by this deeply and it's good that he shared his emotions. It's extremely important that the kids learn how to express their own emotions when growing up in a home with a BPD parent. If not, they will learn how to put their own needs aside because whatever mom is going through will always be more important.

Instead of running interference between your W and kids it might be better to teach your son how to say things to your W in a way that is empathetic and supportive but honest.  This could help them learn not only skills to help them stay mentally healthy in the relationship, but also to develop skills that will help them through their whole life with peers.

Do you think your son is picking up on your W's depressed state and that is triggering him to feel scared that she will be admitted again?

[RolandOfEld]

Hi SuperVillian, as someone with two children including a very expressive and sensitive 5 year old, I feel and understand your pain very deeply.

I want to fully echo Tattered Heart's thought that it is so important for children to grow up knowing that they can express themselves to their family without fear. I too think your son is acutely aware of your wife's condition and that's what made him bring up the hospital.

Though I know it's best to avoid triggers, it might not be a bad thing for your wife to see your son's reaction. If nothing else, it may prompt her to seek treatment.

Was your wife admitted to the hospital voluntarily? What led to the admission and what does she think about the diagnosis?

And more importantly, what are you doing to care for yourself?

Best,
~ROE

[SuperVillian]

Thanks for replying Tattered and Roland,

I agree, I think it's great her feels comfortable and confident enough to feel he can express himself to us, and it's something we wholeheartedly encourage.

Instead of running interference between your W and kids it might be better to teach your son how to say things to your W in a way that is empathetic and supportive but honest.  This could help them learn not only skills to help them stay mentally healthy in the relationship, but also to develop skills that will help them through their whole life with peers.

Do you think your son is picking up on your W's depressed state and that is triggering him to feel scared that she will be admitted again?

That's a good strategy and a great point, thank you. He's certainly picked up on W's phases and emotional shifts, and during these times, he is always asking her if she's ok. She always says yes and smiles. To her credit, she does try and shield them from this stuff as much as she can. But you do bring up a good point, asking if her current state is scaring him information thinking she may go back. I will absolutely bring this up to him.

Was your wife admitted to the hospital voluntarily? What led to the admission and what does she think about the diagnosis?

And more importantly, what are you doing to care for yourself?

She was admitted both times voluntarily, it was her second stay that resulted in her diagnosis. The second stay was prompted by severe depression, and self harm. She was there about a week and the diagnosis was a big sigh of relief for her. For as long as we've been together (17 years) she's always asked what was wrong with her, and now she had an answer, and a plan for recovery.

As far as myself, I honestly don't have time for much. I work a very stressful job, with a 4 hour stressful daily commute, so between that, and 2 young children, I don't have time for much. I steal small breathers here and there when I can (play some video games, or watch a movie), but on the whole, my everyday belongs to others.   

[RolandOfEld]

As far as myself, I honestly don't have time for much. I work a very stressful job, with a 4 hour stressful daily commute, so between that, and 2 young children, I don't have time for much. I steal small breathers here and there when I can (play some video games, or watch a movie), but on the whole, my everyday belongs to others.

Wow, can I relate to this. The highlight of my day is reading on my commute home or stealing a few minutes for YouTube during the lunch hour. But I'm realizing it's not enough and am working with my counselor to see how I can get some genuine time to myself. I already made a bold move recently by signing up for a singing class which will meet after work for 2 hours, meaning my wife (who is a stay at home mom) will have to wrangle with the little ones for longer on that day. Originally I would not have dared since she already has it so tough, but then I remembered that despite the fact that her job is harder than mine, she has a lot more time to herself than me since I take over the kids when I get home from work and on weekends. She spends a lot of the time I'm at home lying on bed playing on the PC, which is something you would never ever see me do.

Any of the above sound familiar vis-a-vis the guilt part and concern about asking for time? Is it totally a time issue or have you possibly caged yourself in guilt and obligation?

~ROE

[SuperVillian]

Oh yeah, there's absolutely similarities there. When I get home from work, and weekends I shoulder the kids, and all the home stuff. And it's for the exact reason you mentioned, guilt for wanting (anything really) and worry about the reaction I will get if I ask for some alone time. I dread having to tell my wife about having to work overtime because of the guilt. I have just stopped asking for some time and stopped making plans with the few friends I have left because of the fallout. It always winds up being ok, when I bring it up, but when the time comes, it's an issue or there's some catastrophic thing that stops me from getting the time or enjoying it.

Good on you for taking that step and taking what you deserve. Having that time is so important, plus having something to look forward to weekly is truly invaluable.   

[RolandOfEld]

Hi SV, we're really in the same boat here it seems. Boy was I (am I) terrified to work overtime, as though I was going out with my coworkers for beers. Really affected my previous job performance - I was a manager who almost never stayed late while my team was working till 10 pm!

Does your wife work? How old are your other children? If, theoretically, you were able to get some time to yourself, is your wife capable of taking care of the kids on her own for a few hours?

I understand how hard it is to get out the door when there's a catastrophe going on. For me, the only way to make it possible was to first shift my thinking on a variety of things, which I'm still working on:

1) It's not my fault she's at home with kids right now and I'm working, it's just the way the situation worked out
2) I should not feel guilty for going to work, and work is not "free time" compared to childcare
3) Me doing things that make me happy is good for her and for the family ***
4) Though taking care of the kids every day is rough, added up throughout the week she has a lot more time to herself than I do

Before discussing practical ways to achieve time for yourself (calling in family for help, getting a babysitter, etc), perhaps we should take a look at your mindset and what you can change there. What do you think?

~ROE