I am not sure if her reaction comes from the fact she is so stressed out with life and school that she really can't handle my request OR if she feels like I should do everything and her reactions are to enforce that.
She has never said to me directly that I need to do everything but I leave the conversation always feeling that way.
It probably comes from a lot of places, and she may not even be fully conscious of any of them.
Housework is a cause for arguments in almost all relationships, even where BPD is not present. One person will always do more than the other. So, you get to determine how important this is to you, and how worth a fight it is.
Ideally, we all think we'd get 50/50 around the house. Nope. One person is neater, tidier, more likely to fold clothes and take out the trash.
One thing I hate doing or being accused of is nagging. And since pwBPD really don't appreciate being called out when they are neglecting a responsibility, like helping around the house, as it is assigning blame to them (and BPD involves a lot of blame avoidance) to ask for H to do things to help clean, when he's in the wrong mood, on the wrong day, when the stars are not aligned, whatever, is just starting a fight. So, when you ask your GF to clean, or even just help clean, she is taking it as an accusation of something more than you realize.
To her (I am just giving some examples) you sound like you are calling her messy, dirty, lazy, useless, no good, attacking her ability as a woman for being a housekeeper, telling her as a poor housekeeper she's a bad woman, etc. All manner of things you don't even realize COULD go through her head, when you just want something picked up or tossed. The thing is, she hears blame. And BPD does not like blame and will go through all manner of actions to project it back on you, to change the subject, to make YOU the bad guy.
To reduce drama, there are a few things to consider:
One thing to look at is whether you NEED these things done, or WANT them done?
How often?
Does she leave piles of rotting food around on the floor, or like my husband, leave used paper plates 2 feet away from the trash can instead of tossing them?
Is it a horrible hoarding health hazard?
Or does it just grate on your nerves?
If you resolve to just leave it, will she get around to it?
Or will she never, ever do it?
Does company trigger a cleaning frenzy, or does she not care who sees the house in a messy state?
Did she come from a very clean (or very messy) home?
H grew up in a house that only cleaned when company was coming. Now, his mom, a hoarder, barely cleans for us to visit. In fact, she has a cleaning lady come a few times a week to do the bare minimum because she simply can't throw certain things out. When we go down to see her, I end up doing subtle cleaning in the kitchen just so I can feel I am not using expired food or dirty surfaces. She likes to clutter everything - I think she has horror vacui (for of unfilled space).
I grew up in a military household. And then had a super-clean stepmother who wanted all dishes cleaned and floors mopped every night before bed. (Yes, the one time I complained I got called "Cinderella" and never said anything again). Even when my room got messy, it was not that bad to clean up.
I used to get very angry about the division fo housework - I cared more so I did more. It made me resent H at times. And no, it's not fair that with both of us working full time I still do 95% of all house and yard work. But life's not fair. It's not fair H has BPD. But he does. So, I have made peace with being the keeper of the house.
I have higher standards of daily cleaning. So, I accept the responsibility for meeting those standards. I realized several years ago, at a time when H and I were close to breaking up, that I'd do almost the exact same housework living alone as with him. Maybe there would be fewer dishes to wash, and two fewer loads of laundry. But everything else would be almost the same. The grass would grow just as much, the cats would poop just as much. I might have more "free" time alone to deal with it, but I am with H because I like (usually when not dysregulating) his company. Even if he can't find the trashcan 2 feet from where he sets his paper plates, I like his company. I clean for me, for my feeling of calm, so I can find things, and not feel yucky. I accept that he has no such feelings about cleaning, other than to not be embarrassed when company is coming over.
H will pitch in sometimes when we have company. I admit I no longer make it easy on him. I have my process and can get frustrated when he putters around trying to help and slows me down. He has lately been good about taking out the trash when I express that I am tired and don't feel up to it. I make sure to thank him for it.
Closure - it's normal to want some acknowledgment that the argument is over and no one is mad anymore and that you both understand and it won't happen again. But she has BPD. By the time she's not mad anymore, her feelings have shifted, and in her mind, now, nothing was ever wrong. So if you bring it up, if you kinda follw her around trying to talk it out, bring it back up, have a "talk", you are just reminding her she was mad, not accomplishing waht you want. I posted on your other post about how I deal with this, so we can talk more there is it helps or makes any sense at all.
And one last thing - if the housework is treally an issue where you NEED her to contribute, can you agree to a chore chart? Some way where her feelings about doing chores aren't the only feedback she can see about who's dones what this week? Because her feeligns might very well be telling her SHE does all the housework, because that prevents her from facing balme for not doing any.
