Does This Ever Get Better, Easier?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Well, I heard from my lawyer today.
There is an offer on the table for interim support (not a settlement offer) that I can live with. It would include three months' arrearages.
And it would include monthly maintenance until the divorce settles. That had been the number one sticking point.
My FIL would give me "permission" to talk to CPA to do the Trust's bidding. (Can you tell I hate this man?)
I told my L that the money has to be in my bank account before I do anything.
So why is this hard?
Why am I sitting on my bed, crying and crying and crying? It's because my STBX's mental state has deteriorated, and they're about to appoint a guardian for him.
That breaks my heart.
And at the same time I am so angry with his P and his father. I told them. Everything I ever said about my STBX was true. He's not capable of living alone. He's not capable of having a true marriage, which is why he was living in the guest house.
But I have so much regret. The P and my FIL should have worked with me.
My FIL could have so easily transferred money into my individual account, so my STBX wouldn't think I was stealing from him.
The P could have so easily understood the stress I was under living with a man who called me the 'C' word the way other husbands call their wives 'honey' or 'darling.'
Instead of telling I should get accustomed to being called a 'C' she should have worked with me at strengthening boundaries, providing logical consequences.
And now it's come to this.
He'll need a guardian. I have been so angry so hurt so wrapped up in just what an a**hole my STBX can be that I really doubted that I'd ever loved him.
Why in the hell did it have to come to this?
TMD

[toomanydogs]

Well, I heard from my lawyer today.
There is an offer on the table for interim support (not a settlement offer) that I can live with. It would include three months' arrearages.
And it would include monthly maintenance until the divorce settles. That had been the number one sticking point.
My FIL would give me "permission" to talk to CPA to do the Trust's bidding. (Can you tell I hate this man?)
I told my L that the money has to be in my bank account before I do anything.
So why is this hard?
Why am I sitting on my bed, crying and crying and crying? It's because my STBX's mental state has deteriorated, and they're about to appoint a guardian for him.
That breaks my heart.
And at the same time I am so angry with his P and his father. I told them. Everything I ever said about my STBX was true. He's not capable of living alone. He's not capable of having a true marriage, which is why he was living in the guest house.
But I have so much regret. The P and my FIL should have worked with me.
My FIL could have so easily transferred money into my individual account, so my STBX wouldn't think I was stealing from him.
The P could have so easily understood the stress I was under living with a man who called me the 'C' word the way other husbands call their wives 'honey' or 'darling.'
Instead of telling I should get accustomed to being called a 'C' she should have worked with me at strengthening boundaries, providing logical consequences.
And now it's come to this.
He'll need a guardian. I have been so angry so hurt so wrapped up in just what an a**hole my STBX can be that I really doubted that I'd ever loved him.
Why in the hell did it have to come to this?
TMD

[formflier]

Does your L get paid as well?

Look forward... .not backward!  Ask about solutions... .for things that YOU can solve... .not the crazy that is in their world.

     

My gut says you should take it. 

My guess is they will put in in Lawyer trust account.  There is about zero chance they will send you money without a signed agreement for interim.

Put it this way... .I wouldn't.  I didn't get the "money in my account first".

FF

[toomanydogs]

 Hey FF
I shouldn’t post when I’m crying and upset.

[formflier]

Or... perhaps that it the perfect time?

I'd say keep posting the way  you do... .hopefully it provides you some support.

FF

   

[toomanydogs]

Or... perhaps that it the perfect time?

I'd say keep posting the way  you do... .hopefully it provides you some support.

FF

   

Hey again,
  Wow. I shouldn't post when I'm crying and upset, and I shouldn't post at 4:30 in the morning. That post that says I shouldn't post when I'm crying and upset, I attempted to send from my phone. Obviously, I did something wrong because... .
  I explained that yes, my lawyer was getting paid.
  And, yes, I was taking the offer for interim. It is less than I'd asked for, but it still gives me enough money to pay back personal loans and bring my credit card back to a more reasonable amount. Make that 2 credit cards.
  What I'd intended with my first post is to say that, my FIL has wanted me to "cooperate" in getting the name of the trust on all the household bills. The whole thing is ridiculous because the utilities are in my STBX's name, and I can't do it. Those are the household support bills. The Cable and Internet are my accounts, and should I need to move, I need to move those with me. The financial hit I took as a result of my FIL's behavior towards me has made my 'fair' credit rating slip even further. Not a fan of that man.
  What I was intending to say was that before I started "cooperating" with the CPA, who has been forbidden to talk to me, even as I'm getting disconnect notices on my electricity, I would have to have money in my account. I wasn't going to go first and hope for the best. I have serious trust issues (pun intended) with these people.
  And regarding my STBX, after a good cry, I no longer felt quite so sad. Reality set in. My STBX doesn't want my help, and without the support of the P and FIL, I wasn't able to help STBX anyway. We needed to work together, and that wasn't happening. For a number of reasons.
  And now, because of choices he's made--choices that weren't challenged by his P or FIL--my STBX will probably be assigned a guardian, and the freedom that he had when he was married to me, living in the home, will be restricted. Yesterday, that broke my heart.
  In a way, it kind of still breaks my heart, but mostly where I'm at this morning is my STBX's life is no longer my circus, and I am grateful.
   
TMD
 

[formflier]

Hey... .remember a big FF statement.  "let them connect the dots"

Have your L tell them that you will absolutely cooperate in this... .and then say no more.

Be quizzical when they ask you do to things you can't do... .ask for detailed instructions.

The will figure it out... .you just be positive where you can be.

   

FF

[ForeverDad]

Notice that the counteroffers got better as the court date got closer?  In a manner of speaking, your Leverage is the court hearing since no one can guarantee how it might rule.  However, I often write that court is generally "less unfair" than the opposition mired in dysfunction.

Another surprise is that despite how vigorously we are opposed, we do walk out with more settlements than we expect.  In my case, my divorce process took nearly two years.  Mediation failed.  Settlement conference failed.  Yet at the last minute, just before we walking into the courtroom for the scheduled trial, she settled on terms she had refused to consider before.

One thought I might add.  You commented that they're seeking a guardian for your stbEx.  Why now, soon after separation?  Why not years ago?  Despite your issues with the professionals and in-laws, you could offer them a reason to salvage/correct their recent actions ignoring you.  With your lawyer's advice you could maintain that the reason your stbEx didn't fall apart years ago is that you were there all those years holding him together.  If you have that stance in court then them dumping you out into the could could backfire on them.

[toomanydogs]

One thought I might add.  You commented that they're seeking a guardian for your stbEx.  Why now, soon after separation?  Why not years ago?  Despite your issues with the professionals and in-laws, you could offer them a reason to salvage/correct their recent actions ignoring you.  With your lawyer's advice you could maintain that the reason your stbEx didn't fall apart years ago is that you were there all those years holding him together.  If you have that stance in court then them dumping you out into the could could backfire on them.

Hi ForeverDad,
  My STBX fell apart when I tried to divorce him several years ago. It was the primary reason we reconciled. And by fall apart, I mean he ran naked through the yard, peed in the bushes, hurled racial epithets at the neighbors (all of whom are white, by the way), and took Benadryl by the handful.
  My STBX left me 8 months ago. Eight months was the time it took for him to fall apart last time, and my guess is that he's now falling apart.
  My first response to my H leaving was to request a legal separation instead of a divorce, so that in the event he did fall apart, he'd still have family out here. (His family's back on the east coast.) I also suggested that approach to my FIL. Neither took me up on it.
  I think their taking the stand they've taken with me will indeed backfire on them, especially if this goes to court. My STBX is delusional, either from schizophrenia or another thought disorder. He can maintain for brief periods of time, but not for anything longer than 48 hours or so.
 Eventually this will be behind me. I feel kind of like I'm in AA or something--one day at a time.
TMD