Is Hotness a Red Flag?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Thinking back, my xBPDgf and uBPDw. I was reserved with both but some how got hooked in with sex. (I really planned not to get involved too quickly again and avoid the same mistakes I made with my xBPDgf)

My uBPDw came with her bag packed and ready to stay over the second time I saw her. She just slotted in like we've known each other for long.

I suppose that total openness with a total stranger, 'you so good you the only one for me and I wish I only met you!'

I met a couple of girlfriends I went out with and they've always put me first(just nice and secured), but with the BPD r/s i always had a feeling of not being good enough. It was always that extra bit of flirting with other guys or the lack of boundaries.

Both traveler types and with mothers highly involved. My uBPDw is high functioning with a dad marginalized by his wife. xBPDgf dad estranged.

[Teno]

Thinking back, my xBPDgf and uBPDw. I was reserved with both but some how got hooked in with sex. (I really planned not to get involved too quickly again and avoid the same mistakes I made with my xBPDgf)

My uBPDw came with her bag packed and ready to stay over the second time I saw her. She just slotted in like we've known each other for long.

I suppose that total openness with a total stranger, 'you so good you the only one for me and I wish I only met you!'

I met a couple of girlfriends I went out with and they've always put me first(just nice and secured), but with the BPD r/s i always had a feeling of not being good enough. It was always that extra bit of flirting with other guys or the lack of boundaries.

Both traveler types and with mothers highly involved. My uBPDw is high functioning with a dad marginalized by his wife. xBPDgf dad estranged.

[Husband321]

Thinking back, my xBPDgf and uBPDw. I was reserved with both but some how got hooked in with sex. (I really planned not to get involved too quickly again and avoid the same mistakes I made with my xBPDgf)

My uBPDw came with her bag packed and ready to stay over the second time I saw her. She just slotted in like we've known each other for long.

I suppose that total openness with a total stranger, 'you so good you the only one for me and I wish I only met you!'

I met a couple of girlfriends I went out with and they've always put me first(just nice and secured), but with the BPD r/s i always had a feeling of not being good enough. It was always that extra bit of flirting with other guys or the lack of boundaries.

Both traveler types and with mothers highly involved. My uBPDw is high functioning with a dad marginalized by his wife. xBPDgf dad estranged.

That's a good way to describe it. "Traveler types". Ready and wanting to move in after the second date.

I think in our minds, or atleast mine, I was thinking "wow. She must be in total love". But this was her method with everyone.  She inherited probably over 800k, but all of her belongings can fit into a few bags. And if we had a falling out she could just gather her things, stay at a hotel, and find someone else to live with off the internet within a day or 2.

[BasementDweller]

If the context of the question is to ask if attractiveness is a "red flag" (meaning: indicator) that the person is disordered in some way... .I'd say no, it's not.

Attractiveness, and what constitutes it is so incredibly subjective that it can't really be assessed or quantified in any kind of meaningful, universal way. It's deeply personal. 

Most people of course, choose to have relationships with people they find attractive - whatever that means to them. So, BPD or not, chances are, most people you have a relationship with - you do find appealing in some way.

You will meet people you find appealing and they might have a personality disorder. You will meet people with personality disorders you do not find appealing as well.

Attractiveness is not an indicator of mental illness, and mental illness is not an indicator of attractiveness. If someone happens to habitually find people who are mentally disordered also appealing, there may be many inherent reasons for that, but the two states (perceived attractiveness by others and PD's) are independent conditions.

I rarely, if ever, find anyone attractive. If I do it is a very long process, and based upon nothing that is generally considered "fashionably attractive". (Like certain body types that the mainstream media or the fashion industry has deemed acceptable.) I know it when I see it, and it takes a while for me to see it. Because I don't even know what "it" is. It's mysterious, and rare it seems. I've only been attracted to about 8 people in my entire life - all very unique from each other in most ways.

The one person I can recall that I bonded the most meaningfully with in my life - that I found truly met all of my needs and desires was the most stable, rational, calm, safe person I ever met. Our chemistry and resulting attraction was transcendental.

The BPD I am with now, I felt no connection to or interest in initially. (That's normal - it takes me a while, and I need to gather a lot of information first.) But it took a really long time with him. I simply wasn't interested. But I got to know him better and began to recognize intelligence, creativity, awareness, humor, etc., in him that I truly enjoyed. The "chemistry switch" flipped on. It took a couple of months for the process to even begin.

Soon after that, the sight of him - his face, his features, his mannerisms, etc, became beautiful to me because of how I already felt about him. (Picture how the image of a pizza might make you hungry if you knew you loved pizza - but if you had never tried it before, or never seen it before, it wouldn't look like much, other than some foreign unidentifiable object.)

Eventually, in due time, I did fall in love with him, and he happened to have BPD. But, at least for me, that was just a coincidence. All past partners of mine were very emotionally stoic, with healthy attachment styles. This one's an outlier.   

[zachira]

I've know a few women with BPD and I am a heterosexual woman. I would say that the BPD woman will use her charms, mainly great sex, to get a man infatuated with her. The opposite of the BPD woman is a one who knows how to make deep caring connections with others, and many of those women when extraordinarily beautiful are highly sought after by men that are looking for connection rather than infatuation.

[Jeffree]

Perfectly and beautifully said, zachira! Thanks for that.

Though it does leave me feeling a bit foolish for falling for such a trick by my ex.

J

[BasementDweller]

But isn’t the established connection what makes the sex great? And doesn’t everyone utilize great sex as a way to connect with their partner? Regardless of personality type? I mean who says, “I’m gonna make this as dull as possible?”   

[Insom]

Thanks for the great responses, everyone!  I'm sorry I haven't acknowledged each one of them individually (short on time due to work and travel) but wanted to let you know I've read them all and appreciate the breadth and depth.

Since this thread is about to be locked for length thought I'd chime in one last time to summarize . . .

For the purpose of this discussion I asked you to view attractiveness (or beauty) and hotness as separate ideas (see reply #10 on page two of this thread).  While attractiveness is a subjective quality, I view it as somewhat more neutral and objective then hotness which has a special intensity to it, something that those of us with a history of attraction to emotionally intense relationships may want to pay attention to when we encounter it in an intense way.

Turkish, you asked this great question that I wanted to repeat. (reply #5 on page one):

Does this indicate something about them or about us?

As a woman who grew up with a mom who put a lot of care into appearances, I can relate to this subject from multiple angles. 

I encourage anyone interested in continuing this discussion to start another thread.

[zachira]

Hotness implies to me that a woman is doing everything she can to receive as much attention as she can from men. The woman who is hot may be anywhere from extremely good looking to not really good looking at all. I once knew a prostitute who was as my boyfriend said "a three out of ten", and the men complained she was not that good looking. She was definitely hot and knew how to dress real sexy, move sensually, and great in bed (from what I heard).
I agree with Wicker Man that this thread was at times showing a misogynous tone. To do better, we need to see the complete picture before diving into a relationship, which means taking our time before having sex while we still are objective enough to see the red flags.

[Jeffree]

Speaking generally, it seems as though the basic idea is that women are/feel judged based on their looks and men are/feel judged on the size of their wallet. I am not beholden to this. I just think it's a general tendency, but please correct me if you think I am wrong.

Just like women who put too much effort objectifying themselves, men can put too much effort into materialistic pursuits. Both these personality types have their nuances as to how they play out from person to person. Is there a general trend or "diagnosis" with these types?

I do not know the answer to that. All I do know is that I tend to shy away from either type, as they are not my bag, baby.

J