The control tactics of a BPD

[Shawnlam]

Yeah know one of the main complaints I always had was when my BPD gf would make plans then change or cancel them literally on a second day basis .Also the fact she would never  want to spend adequate time together (we would be lucky for 4 days a month).That was the old me now let’s look at why they do this !

There isn’t a one size fits all scenario to answer why they do this.Ive narrowed down the few items I’ve learnt that explains these actions and also what I’ve done to compensate for them.One therory is they have narcissistic attributes that only allow for them to think frankly of themselves so a lot of their lives are chaotic last minute decisions.Hence why most are living barely functioning in society .Another theory is their want to control and in most cases they do given their victims no nothing of BPD.Some are just selfish and some couldn’t plan a haircut because they are to wrapped up into thinking.In final most are pure emotion driven so planning anything outside the honeymoon phase is tortuous to even contimplate.

Now here is how I deal with it in my new way of thinking.I used to get anxiety and such but now I sleep like a baby.I always and stress always have a plan b and c,both totally based off stuff I want to do for me by myself or friends  that excludes her.Secondly (and I’ll get heat from the admin folks on this one) but I take the new relationship no too seriously at all.I answer her texts in a textbook fashion of validation and empathy which has worked like a charm  but all in all I go about my life almost with the mentality of being a single man.It removes all stress and expectations and allows me to be nice and comforting to her without  breaking my sanity.For the few times I’ll see her a month “maybe” is good enough for me for now.If I ever wanted a real relationship I’d have to move on to another woman ,but because I love this one and I CAN handle a few days a month I’m good for now! As long as I give the kid like nature of her ,validation and the “candy she needs” all is good.If she thinks she is manipulating me and winning good for her,As long as she feels better and Ian triggered or upset ... .win /win .

She’s moving in 30 days and has no idea where and I’m avoiding the whole discussion like the plaque I think life is good.If she feels I’m not putting in effort like before (which I’m not ) and leaves me ... oh well no harm done .

[Tattered Heart]

Just curious, are you not putting in effort or are you remaining detached? There is a huge difference. To one who has perhaps been overly emotionally invested previously, detachment can feel like not putting in effort.

Through text validation and empathy done just perfectly may work. IN person, it could easily blow up if not done sincerely. The purpose of validation is not to prevent the pwBPD from getting upset, it's to show them that you are listening to them and care. When I validated insincerely, my H easily picks up on this and it causes things to go downhill very quickly.

When you begin to want more time with her, how could you go about asking her for that time? Would you feel comfortable enough to let her know that 4 times per month is not enough contact for you?

[Shawnlam]

Here is my best answer to what is going on in my mind and why to answer your questions:
.Right now and always I will be there for her.Now I’m sorry to say but it’s my honest opinion any woman with BPD (or man) just can’t be taken seriously .Compromise is just not in their vocabulary never will be ,it’s all about them. Why in gods name would I risk my sanity to tip toe around her all the time (like before)? Those days are long gone for her and for me .These are the items I’ve changed for her and that’s the best she is going to get and deserve and I did it partly for me and partly for her.

1: no more anger or attacking or blaming game.Always be validating,helpful and understanding.
2: let it be about her not me at all,they don’t really care too much anyways about others but be the better person and let that happen.
3: keep my involvement plutonic and present when required .I cut unprotected sex out for my health safety and pregnancy issues.The health part is because I don’t trust her and I don’t need and surprises.If she can’t handle that when/if the time comes ,tuff there will be no compromises at all on this subject insulted or not.

 All in all there is no point to try and change anyone here we’d
 be fooling ourselves.This isn’t about red pill machoism or being a tuff guy at all ,it’s about purely self respect .Being a door mat to suit the need of someone with BPD is frankly a ridiculous way of living .Being there for them,validating them, showing empathy and love and not leaving like I did twice , all things I’ve changed for her and will continue to do.Unkike most to all the people in her life who either left ,used her for sex,or encouraged her self destructive behaviors of sleeping with everyone,drinking and drugs.

In final I’m never going to let go of her again in terms of support or being their for her.I love her but in a different way than before.I explained to myself the following shawn: you can try and love someone that doesn’t love themself but who are you fooling ? Everyone you are trying to convince ?you or her? I’m afraid the answer is only you.Love her because every human being deserves to be loved ,but don’t love what can never be.Dont try loving her as a future wife or mother of your children ,this will never happen it’s suicide.But love her because you care about her and knowing she is sick take care of her the way THEY need to be taken care of .Do not try taking care of her the way YOU think she needs! That’s the fatal mistake most people have already made with her and it’s only made things worse.

Things I remind myself every single day just to be with her and frankly this requires substantial effort to do so I’m not as macho as most people think.
1: it’s what she does not what she says that counts .Her “I wanna marry you and build a life with you” is but just words and manipulation.But its ok shawn because you know this so stop taking it personal
2: stop getting insulted or upset when she manipulates you be smart you know why she does it.She fears losing people and you are included .She does it to keep you even though you know it’s not required ,this isn’t about YOU!
3: she lies constantly, it’s her nature and frankly their nature.They have little choice ,how can someone with no self image or self esteem even know how to tell the truth anyways? Their whole lives have been then mirroring people to be liked? And you then expect them to be truthful? Who’s the foolish one them for doing what or you for believing they shouldn’t?
4: when the lies or manipulation happen like we should live together , just be smart about it.Keep yourself grounded ,think absolutely about her feelings and either address it or deflect it so that something else snags her attention and your free until it comes back .
5: yes she will cheat on you again , in my case this was/is a big part of her .Given you aren’t taking any relationship with her seriously anymore it’s fine.She is in relationship mode you are in good friends mode.As long as I’m protected if I even get to wanting to sleep with her again which honestly am more contemplating not.Who cares who she sleeps with,you are in her life as support that’s it that’s all.

Hope that makes sense to you because to me and my therapist it’s frankly the only way to see it.Im glad for the rest of the 1% that manage a real relationship with a BPD I envy them ,but frankly my exGF will not be the exception ,she is too damaged .

Above may sound selfish I agree but required for my mental well being.Im sure as everyone knows on this site , to retract backwards what we have felt for these people while still interacting with them is extremely hard to do.In a way seeing her barley 4 times a month is a blessing right now because not allows detaching to be easier.Dont get me wrong here I still love her but just not the same blind deep soulmate love I had for her .It is a more refined,customized to her love that I genuinely feel when I see her ,touch her, hold her.I hug her just as deep and caring as I ever had and I still kiss her forehead as tender as I’ve always had .To answer the question can and will I be able to show empathy and validation in person ,in her eyes? Here is my answer: more now than ever before because at least now I frankly get it,I understand the pain she has inside her everyday.When I’ll look at her now and say I understand your not in a good place you don’t deserve to feel like this I’m here for you To talk .That means much more now from me than rather before when all she probably saw in my eyes was “Jesus Christ not again what the heck is wrong with her now ,god damn it she ruined another weekend “! You know what I mean ? I don’t see that anymore I get she’s hurting and hurting bad and it will make me sad to see and want to help.

In final the only thing I need to watch for IF it comes up is my acceptance of only seeing her sometimes may trigger her lack of trust and she won’t understand all of a sudden why it’s ok when before I’d complain about it.

I’f the whole moving in thing (which she has to do by June 1st) comes up and goes by without a peep from me may trigger her because all of a sudden she will say why hasn’t he brought it up at all?

If she decides she wants sex again that whole situation will be awkward.

You see as much as I’m in good friend mode she is not .Im hoping she will figure it out soon enough but god knows what will happen if she does.I won’t say I hope she’s back with me  while she’s looking for better ,then paint me black and move on because that would be a lie on my part.Between me and my therapist there is a slim chance she will keep me as an anchor in her life but is she does it will be a great thing for her.

[Shawnlam]

And a great thing for me to by the way,I had fun with that little blonde woman and I love her .

[NGU]

Now I’m sorry to say but it’s my honest opinion any woman with BPD (or man) just can’t be taken seriously.

At least two people have suggested alternatives and/or shared their concerns about this mindset... .these one-size-fits-all generalities.

Sigh.

I'll let someone else come in and piggyback off this, if they're interested. I've used up all the words I have in my noggin regarding this specific topic.

[Shawnlam]

Don’t feel discouraged over my mindset I read everyone else’s frankly I have yet to see any one way that works with BPD’s.The other mindsets are more set on trying to live and make work a relationship.I have abandoned that completely and went down the friends road ,I don’t play the loto in real life won’t do it in my personal affairs .

[Emotions]

Although my relationship is in the ex category, I tend to to view it quite similarly... .I value our friendship deeply, and I will be there for her if she needs me, but I too have been through the cheating, and it has transformed past the point of jealousy... .I see it clearly, and I don't think she was trying to hurt me, she just liked someone else... .and another, and another... .that's ok with me as long as she is safe and we are just friends... .the drama has significantly decreased in my life, and if we are meant to be again, then we will maintain boundaries and an understanding of each of our needs... .until that time I accept the situation and I love with a different perspective, less egocentric, and more understanding... .but it took me a long while and a lot of soul searching and crying to get to this point... .good luck Shawn keep up the good work!

[Shawnlam]

A lot of people that were never cheated on , have a hard time understanding the emotional impact of that happening... .is a brutal feeling absolutely brutal.

[Skip]

What happened in your case? How did the two of your resolve it?  You mentioned photo's?

[Shawnlam]

I let her go brother , can’t have any self respect staying in a relationship with  a cheater , hence the friendship and understanding that she has a problem

[Skip]

Did this happen recently?

[Shawnlam]

In January

[once removed]

One therory is

Shawn, you really dont need to pathologize flakiness.

i dont think it will help to generalize it either. flakiness isnt a BPD thing, and our partners/exes are not all flakes. it is a significant problem in your relationship, and to you, and it is worth exploring.

i dont think it is designed to punish you or manipulate you. i dont think it has anything to do with narcissism. shes flaky. ive known a few, and its hard to have a relationship with a flaky person. but at worst, if it applies in other areas in their life, it might suggest they are unreliable.

can’t have any self respect staying in a relationship with  a cheater

can you elaborate here? do you have anything (evidence) more than a feeling that she cheated?

[Shawnlam]

Actually and unfortunately I do have the proof on one of the times I thought she cheated on me ... .yeah it was with her old boyfriend (2 boyfriends ok)... .yeah I’m not gonna elaborate more it’s already stirred some emotions I thought I’d pushed away.With that said no I don’t have the proof on the second one.It happened very similar to the first but on that one I can’t say I have proof at all,it’s this weird feeling though .