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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Protective order expiring in a few days, anxiety mounting  (Read 431 times)
Crushedbyac

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: April 14, 2018, 12:44:03 PM »

After a difficult year of continued fear and anxiety leading to a mental breakdown followed by a year of blissful peace only a protective order could save me,  it's expiring next week and I'm starting to stress out.  Im feeling he has just been waiting it out and plans to try to restart all his abusive manipulation the minute he can. I keep telling myself I'm not important enough or maybe he's wrapped up in someone else now,  but knowing him,  hes going to be obsessed with revenge,  he has to have the last word and i deprived him of that.  I know it infuriated him to lose that control. He won't let that go. I changed all my contact,  email, phone, job,  car... .Some how he got my new number and texted me on my birthday so i would know he knew it (at 6 months).  Of course i didn't respond or confirm for him.  Now Im scared of it starting all again.  Said he had a p.i. to find me, contact info.  I don't want to have to change number again,  be afraid if he's waiting after work, etc. Refiling the po means certain contact and may seem like i want to be seen when there is still a distant possiblity he will stay away. Advice?
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Harley Quinn
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« Reply #1 on: April 15, 2018, 06:52:07 PM »

I feel for you.     The anxiety made things feel a whole lot worse for me until I put things in place to reduce that.  What can you do right away that would help you to feel better?  In what ways can you protect yourself?

Did the contact 6 months ago break the conditions of the PO and if so did you follow up?  I'm wondering if you have spoken to a legal adviser about this.  I know others here have had these orders in place so I hope you'll have others reply with first hand experience of the ways these are handled.

If you have concerns, I'd suggest that now is the time to begin talking to someone for support around this and see what your options are.  Could the order be extended?  With things like this in place it's vital they are enforced if broken.  Either way should you have a concerning incident, be sure to act and alert the appropriate authority.  How do you feel about your safety and security?

Love and light x
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We are stars wrapped in skin.  The light you are looking for has always been within.
Crushedbyac

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« Reply #2 on: April 16, 2018, 12:49:49 AM »

I don't know what more i can do, I've changed everything except home. im not  afraid for my physical safety,  just emotional because his tactics are to take you down with games lies and manipulation,  make you believe you are they crazy one,  the aggressor. Im thinking i will go to local police to discuss this week,  just to be sure they are aware (small town), see what they say for sure.  I don't want to go back to court,  that means contact,  and aftet a year i don't want to see him at all.
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Harley Quinn
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I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #3 on: April 18, 2018, 05:26:11 PM »

I'm glad you have decided to take action to mitigate some of your anxiety.  Do let us know how you get on with the police.  I'm wondering if you ever enlisted support from a domestic abuse support service?  There doesn't have to have been violence in order to receive support and based on the fact you had reason to take out a PO, I'd say they would be a good source of help and guidance.  Do you also see a doctor about your anxiety? 

Love and light x
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Crushedbyac

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« Reply #4 on: April 19, 2018, 10:41:18 AM »

Thanks for your thoughts.  I went to the local police dept yesterday and they were so nice and helpful.  They took a copy of the order and had me fill out another form about who is allowed on the property when we are at work, if anyone, like my mom etc... They said they will do extra drive-bys and look for anything unusual.  My mom is checking the mail during the day before we get home from work.  I also bought an outdoor camera that has smartphone app and motion notifications.  I will install this weekend.  I dont know if there are services in my area but I will check, thanks for that idea. I do have a regular doc that knows about the anxiety and has given some meds, but I dont see anyone regularly anymore and I dont take the meds much now either (which is good, and the way I want it to stay!) Ive been thinking I should find a new therapist tho, just havent taken the time I guess.
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Crushedbyac

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« Reply #5 on: April 20, 2018, 11:03:26 AM »

today is the last day.  Anxiety is ramping up and I cant eat, feel ill.  I want to believe im being over-worried but Ive read enough of other stories to know they dont give up that easily... .
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Cromwell
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« Reply #6 on: April 20, 2018, 03:20:16 PM »

Its interesting that he told you that he "had a pi to find you"

It sounds to me that he is more about either trying to make you feel that abandoning him would be futile or he is just enjoying to make you feel scared. Ive came across some dangerous people before, but in my experience with them, the dog that barks doesnt bite. The ones who make threats are the least to actually follow through, they are more done to make you feel intimidated and scared.

I had quite a number of threats made to me indirectly, they scared me at the time because my ex knew a lot of shady people. but nothing happened in the end, I know that doesnt compensate for the sleepless nights and having to take all these measures, but all id say is I ended up over-exaggerating or giving their words too much power. Generally the really dangerous people are the ones who dont threaten or show you what they are up to they do it covertly.

Overall, you can only do the best you can do, but try not to let the stress of it overwhelm you or make you feel you have to lead a life of fortifying yourself or getting paranoid. It happened to me for a short while, because I was being stalked, but I did start to become too hypervigilant and that causes a great deal of stress, which can slowly grind you down mentally, which is often the main tactic of why it is done in the first place.
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Harley Quinn
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« Reply #7 on: April 20, 2018, 04:57:51 PM »

Hey Crushed,

Is there some place you can go - maybe to a friend or family member to occupy yourself and have some company and extra support at this time?  Thinking of you 
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