I'm garbage again

[loyalwife]

It's been over a week since the last post I made, and I reflected on how much growth there was in my relationship with my uBPDh. The more time away from an episode and you start to think that maybe it will continue to last. Then the build up. A few shake ups with business, his daughter, his ex and then the final straw is always on my shoulders. Today he hates my dogs. One of my older GSD's is lame and I have a time in a few weeks scheduled to put him down. Today I was reminded that he never wanted my dogs, my kids and that he was tired of sharing. I felt like a three year old was dumping on me. We went for a walk in mostly silence, and ever since all he has to say is that he wants me to stay away from him. I'm trying so hard to not let this get to me, but it is. I feel like garbage that is no longer wanted or needed and kicked to the curb. I asked him why he was being so mean and he said ":)o you want to see mean, because it's about to get much worse". All because my dog barked this morning. It just seems that when he dysregulates, not only does he push me away, but he says that this isn't the life he wants to be living.  I tried to validate his feelings, keeping dogs away from him, cleaning area etc. but he says it's not enough. Am I to believe that he really is that unhappy, with our life, or is he just so unhappy with everything. When he tells me to leave, I feel so trashed.

I tried some self care today. I even bought myself some roses (something he used to do). He's leaving on a trip tomorrow and episodes usually precede anything that has to do with him leaving. He will leave mad. I'd like to know what goes on in his head, that he hates me one minute and then a few hours, days he's back to caring about me. Am I monster? That's how I feel.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi loyalwife and sorry to hear your back on the receiving end of a bad episode. Nice work on buying the roses for yourself this time. And I think it's good that you identified a pattern with your husband regarding the trips.  

The more time away from an episode and you start to think that maybe it will continue to last.

I know exactly how you feel right now. We had a lovely family trip to Japan last week. During these times I start to loosen up, forget the way things really are. I start to see her as the person I met. I start joking with her again, even enjoying talking with her. Before I knew about BPD, I identified this times as real progress and even got to feeling we would never fight again. But the more forgetful I become, the more shocking it is when the BPD finally comes back. It came Sunday night, over something so small as a banana cake. The next morning I was at the police station and running around buying new pants to wear to work.

My point is that we have to keep in our minds that its going to come no matter what we do, no matter how perfectly we behave. Their illness needs to find something to bring it out. For your husband it was the dogs. For my wife is was the cake. We didn't do anything wrong, and even on the chance that we did, it was nothing that merited this kind of treatment.

I would not suggest spending time trying to evaluate if your husband is happy or unhappy. I do not think pwBPD are capable of achieving happiness in the normal sense because they have no stable sense of self. I think the thing to understand is that no matter what we do, no matter who our spouses are with or how rich or poor they are, until they seeks help, their lives will always crumble into chaos.      

I don't remember if I suggested keeping a record of your husband's behavior in your previous posts. For me, this serves the dual purpose of (1) having a solid record of events if (God forbid) we ever come to a legal crisis over kids and (2) reminding me of the way things really are. It makes the peaceful times less happy but the softens the blow when the scary times start.

How long will he be away this time? Will you have the chance to spend time with your kids? Please consider the fact that seeing the kids is your right and you don't have to tell him.

~ROE  

[loyalwife]

This is a short one day trip. I had planned on taking him to the airport, but that is off the table now. He walked past me when he came in a few hours ago, as if I didn't exist. I went out to the office and told him that I didn't merit being mistreated and did nothing to deserve it. He nodded in agreement, but then said, "You never do anything. It's been four years of this and I'm tired of it". I walked out of the room, and for the first time realized that I was talking to a wall. The last trip was one that we both went on. He slept out in the studio all night, and treated me like a leper the whole trip down. Once we landed and were out and about, he came 'back'.This time I fully expect him to be mad for a few days.

I will start a journal of the episodes. I did this last year, and it did help me see that there was a pattern. I wish I could say that the knowledge makes it okay, but it still hurts like hell. When I asked him how long he was going to be mad he said "Maybe forever".  I just have such vivid
memories still of all the times he went nuts last year, left me and made a mess of our lives. Once you know what a knife feels like, you want to stay away from it. He can cut that deep.

I do have plans with my kids. Tomorrow I am making dinner here, something I can't do for them if he is in town. They have accepted that this is the way things are, it's just me that has a hard time with it. They are always happy to be with me and in many ways they are my anchor.

I'm not great at this yet. I still want to fix the situation and make it better. The more I try, the worse it gets. He seems to get a charge out of being mean to me, and that I just can't understand. It never feels good in this spot. I just need to understand that this is the way it is. Perhaps by me going to therapy for myself, he will want to change... .perhaps.
Thanks for the guidance.

[RolandOfEld]

I walked out of the room, and for the first time realized that I was talking to a wall. 

That was brave of you to tell him how you feel and I totally understand the feeling of talking to a wall. I don't know how right this is, but lately when my wife dysregulates I tell myself she has left and I am talking to a tumor (her illness). What a tumor says to me doesn't matter, and its equally ridiculous of me to try and justify myself to a tumor. I find this helps a little getting through those impossible conversations. In terms of all that stored up anger, perhaps you can discuss role playing with your therapist where they stand in for your husband and you express how you feel to them.

I'm glad you can spend time with your kids.

Perhaps by me going to therapy for myself, he will want to change... .perhaps.

This is a proactive attitude, and one I have taken myself at times. But I don't suggest you put too many eggs in this basket. A quote I've been using a lot recently is "Pray for rain, but dig a well". My wife has tentatively agreed to do DBT therapy as of this week. This opens up some possibilities. But I am starting to put more and more eggs in the me leaving basket.

Hang in there, lw, you can do this! 

~ROE

[loyalwife]

I am finding that I am less and less afraid of him, and see him now as a child; not an adult. I dared to go out into the studio to ask if I were correct that he was driving himself to the airport. He said "I don't need nor want anything from you". Sting. So I left without saying goodnight, without telling him I loved him. Right now, I don't have those feelings towards him. Given your analogy; how can you love a tumor and how could I expect a tumor to have any feelings towards anything but itself and it's survival.

Knowing what I do about him and witnessing how he treats others, I should know that I am not immune from the blows. What I have to get through my head is that no matter how much I try, he will find a reason to rage. My therapist called it ":)oublebind". No matter what you do, it's wrong.

This time feels different than any time before. I think for the first time I'm not owning his craziness. I'm not fixing it, I'm not changing it, and I'm certainly not owning it. Thank you for the encouragement. Without this site, I think I would have not been able to survive this mess.  I also believe that those with BPD are directly impacted and benefit.

[lostandconfused6]

I don't live with my BPDbf but lately i have adopted the tactic of "less is more"... .he has a bad habit of bringing up random illnesses or serious matters to deflect when he knows he has done something wrong or hurt me. When he does this i simply say oh ok, i understand, i hope it gets better, or oh man that sounds tough what do you think you should do? i used the same tactic when he is unleashing on me and raging... .i will let him go on and on, sometimes it is very hard not to snap back at him or start JADEing, and i just try to SET but not validate the invalid... .which is very hard sometimes

the outlandish stuff that comes out of his mouth at times i just want to look at him and say are you serious right now? i know you are full of crap... .so i will let him feel like he has "won" in some aspect and i just sit there and listen or if it's over the phone i don't respond... .you can refer back to my 2 most recent posts if you want to see the verbal abuse i get from him... .

The more i have just listened and not given very much attention the better things have been... .i have finally become comfortable with having a life outside of him this weekend my best friend and i are taking our children to a resort for 2 days and i finally didn't ask his permission i told him what days and times i was going... .in the past he has become very angry over me doing anything with anyone besides him and my son, even after i asked him to go and he couldn't, but i have decided i will not live in fear of doing something with my friends, family, or son because of how he is or how he will react... .he has apologized numerous times for what he did and said to me for going to company events or dinner or a friends house and he hasn't done it in months so that's a good thing but i also stopped asking his permission i invite him but i don't ask if it's ok if i go... .i tell him my plan and that's it... .

I have accepted something is going to set him off at some point almost every day and it's important to remember it's not my fault and the more i tell myself this the less it effects me... .it is a boundary i have set to not allow him to call me hurtful names or say mean things... .if he does i won't speak to him for 2 hours and if he does it again 4 hours... .the things he has said to me the last 2 weeks i couldn't handle anymore and had to do something about it... .i couldn't live on his word anymore and had to set a boundary