Sometimes Life just sucks

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi

Its been a few weeks since I posted quite simply because I have been doing my best to enjoy life, pursuing hobbies and reacquainting with old friends, largely leaving my pwBPD to get on with their life such as is and whilst polite and friendly keeping myself distanced from their problems and how and if they work on them with their therapist, so its been quiet, restful and I was feeling a lot more positive ... .

But sometimes life just throws us a nasty - actually nothing to do with my pwBPD but an unsubstantiated and false accusation by person unknown  that required my employer to demand that I take a drugs and alcohol test -needless to say both proved negative (I have never taken drugs and rarely drink alcohol) but it has left me feeling extremely angry and that my integrity has been bought into question. Of course my pwBPD overheard the conversation on the telephone requiring me to attend to undertake the test and when I returned home the entire conversation was about 'his anger' how 'unfair life'  was no empathy for me of course and then he proceeded to get drunk.

I sit here again just re-learning that I will never get any support from him and feeling pretty crushed but above all angry that I was subjected to this indignity - an anger that I rightfully feel as my integrity was falsely questioned.

Well I will spend the weekend feeling bruised and upset I guess but will have to get over it - just needed to share my feelings today

In Peace

[ortac77]

Hi

Its been a few weeks since I posted quite simply because I have been doing my best to enjoy life, pursuing hobbies and reacquainting with old friends, largely leaving my pwBPD to get on with their life such as is and whilst polite and friendly keeping myself distanced from their problems and how and if they work on them with their therapist, so its been quiet, restful and I was feeling a lot more positive ... .

But sometimes life just throws us a nasty - actually nothing to do with my pwBPD but an unsubstantiated and false accusation by person unknown  that required my employer to demand that I take a drugs and alcohol test -needless to say both proved negative (I have never taken drugs and rarely drink alcohol) but it has left me feeling extremely angry and that my integrity has been bought into question. Of course my pwBPD overheard the conversation on the telephone requiring me to attend to undertake the test and when I returned home the entire conversation was about 'his anger' how 'unfair life'  was no empathy for me of course and then he proceeded to get drunk.

I sit here again just re-learning that I will never get any support from him and feeling pretty crushed but above all angry that I was subjected to this indignity - an anger that I rightfully feel as my integrity was falsely questioned.

Well I will spend the weekend feeling bruised and upset I guess but will have to get over it - just needed to share my feelings today

In Peace

[NGU]

I sit here again just re-learning that I will never get any support from him and feeling pretty crushed but above all angry that I was subjected to this indignity - an anger that I rightfully feel as my integrity was falsely questioned.

Hi Ortac.

Your situation hits home. Even if you remove the BPD angle, unsubstantiated claims at work are really rough. Even remove the feelings of indignity, and you still have the Dilbert-esque HR machinery to wrap your head around.

With the work I used to do, and the job title, I was a target the entire time. Even 8 years on, I still have a bitter/jaded/unhealed piece of me still simmering. Probably because there's zero logic and/or humanity to workplace claims and how a company handles them.

Thanks for starting this thread. Please vent more if you want.

-ngu

[Speck]

Hello, ortac77!

Well I will spend the weekend feeling bruised and upset I guess but will have to get over it - just needed to share my feelings today.

Isn't that how it goes? We go through a tumultuous spot of hell, actually survive it, and then get side-swiped by something out of left field? I'm sorry you've experienced this, and I'm sorry your ex has made it all about him. But we hear you, believe you, and are glad you're here.

I'm with NGU, thank you for sharing your story.


-Speck

[formflier]

Of course my pwBPD overheard the conversation on the telephone requiring me to attend to undertake the test and when I returned home the entire conversation was about 'his anger' how 'unfair life'  was no empathy for me of course and then he proceeded to get drunk.

I'm interested in you thoughts about your decisions to continue this conversation with him, once it was obvious he was making your thing about him.

Do you think your might "feel somewhat better" about the situation if you had focused your energy on taking care of yourself, versus dealing with "his feelings".



FF

[ortac77]

Hi

FF - yes you are spot on, sadly I fell into the trap of 'offloading' my feelings to him as I was quite disturbed by the time I got home - it was a mistake driven by my own feelings (lets face it those of us living with BPD have pretty low self esteem to start with so false accusations really can hit hard!) and I subsequently have taken good care of myself. I am signed off of work by my GP for stress and anxiety, I have called on friends and family who are supportive and I have lodged a grievance with my employer supported by my union.

I am taking time for me and thinking through my options.

NGU & Speck - yes hell, the corporate world has no humanity anymore, but i will survive and with effort put this into perspective.

As a footnote my BPD has apologised for drinking and acknowledged that he did not help me by his reaction - he is going to his therapy today and showed me an e-mail he sent to his therapist setting out how he wants help to more understanding of others... .don't know maybe seeing me so upset has shaken him a bit?

[formflier]

Hi

FF - yes you are spot on, sadly I fell into the trap of 'offloading' my feelings to him as I was quite disturbed by the time I got home - it was a mistake driven by my own feelings (lets face it those of us living with BPD have pretty low self esteem to start with so false accusations really can hit hard!) 

I'm going to challenge you that this was a mistake.

It's "normal" for people in a relationship to share their feelings, especially so when there are extreme things happening.

So... .you were spot on there... .IMO.

I would challenge you to stay focused on the "abnormal" part.

How would you define that?

Perhaps... .what would you do differently next time?

FF

[ortac77]

FF

Thanks for your thoughts.

I need to be careful not to 'overthink' this at the moment. In essence 'abnormal' is that when one is distressed by a life event in a 'normal' situation one might expect a partner to be supportive/empathetic but with BPD my difficulties triggered a reaction in my pwBPD based upon their own employment history. Thus I think his anger and getting drunk were him reverting to his way of dealing with an injustice which in a sense he took on as his own injustice?

In a sense I can see it because he has lost jobs due to his drinking problems in the past. To be fair he has taken his reaction to his therapist and even shown me the email he sent to the therapist outlining his behaviour and asking for help.

What would I do differently? Good question, it cuts to how do I manage strong feelings and I need to think that through with my therapist who I am seeing tomorrow.



In Peace

[formflier]

My suggestion:  Obviously discuss with your T.

When you have a major life event, lay it all out there for your pwBPD.  As long as they are supportive... .keep going.  There will likely be a "poof" moment where they "flip" and it needs to be about them.  

At that point, you (unapologetically) need to move along and care for yourself and not be part of his meltdown.  If that means he melts down and gets drunk... .and you have very little idea of what exactly he is doing... well... that's the point.

Priority 1:  You care for you feelings/stuff
Priority 2:  :)on't "save him" from normal life.   In this case... .normal life is your partner had a life event... .he gets to share in that.

Priority 3:  When he behaves badly, let him do that alone.  When he behaves well, let him do that together with you.  Over time, he may start to connect the dots and behave well... more often, because he wants you company.

FF

[ortac77]

Hi FF

It will be discussed with my T this afternoon.

Things have deteriorated again, I woke this morning to verbal abuse and accusations, he was drunk and I did my best to disengage but had to call the Police. I then left the house and left them to talk to him, home now but he is still here and 'sleeping it off' - I must assume he has been drinking overnight. The Police say the only option I have is to evict him and I think this is my only option - any attempts to resolve this logically or with any kindness are gone.

Priority 1: Yes caring for my feelings as they are in turmoil at the moment. Thank goodness I can see my T later today.
Priority 2: Yes you are right - I have tried to 'save him' and it is destroying me.

Priority 3: I think it has moved beyond that - I am not sure I have any feelings for him anymore - compassion burnout

[formflier]

The logical and rational consequences of getting drunk and behaving abusively to your partner (to the point of a police response) is... .?

Can you do a bit of word for word from you waking up until calling the police?  How long did that take?

Could you figure out what his "goal" was in engaging with you?

FF

[ortac77]

The logical and rational response by me is to say I cannot be treated this way anymore, my logic says my good nature is being abused, sure he may be ill but he has choices and abuse is not one I am willing to tolerate anymore - I am angry with myself for allowing thus for far too long. Logically for him is to face the consequences of his action.

I got up, he was in kitchen crashing cupboards and making a lot of noise. I merely said good morning and started to make a coffee to which he started with a stream of aggressive swearing ("F" "C" and I replied that I would disengage and get dressed and leave until he calmed down. As he was very 'in my face' and he continued by accusing me of 'causing him trouble' and my being an alcoholic ( I hardly ever drink alcohol - he does abuse alcohol periodically as well as mixing it with his anti-psychotic medication)  I stated again that I would not be sworn at and accused. I left the room and dialled the police as I felt fear of physical aggression. This was all in the space of a few minutes. He had been warned that I will call the Police if he is aggressive.

I have subsequently spoken to the Police who advise that I should evict him and that I should speak to his Community Psychiatric Nurse - which I have done, as for evicting him yes I think its the only option as having him under my roof is no longer tenable.

Given his history of violence the Police attended quickly and spoke to him - whilst I quickly dressed and left the house. I have returned subsequently and he is I believe asleep - I am leaving shortly as an appointment with my Therapist to talk this through. I am staying with friends for the next two nights to ensure I get some rest and support.

I think his 'goal' is the same as it always is to 'be the victim' he is somebody who over the years has upset his family, my family and any friends that he has resulting in self-imposed isolation. I am all that he has left, I have tried to be supportive whilst ensuring I keep contact with friends and family. The goal I think is for me to be 'his alone' and that he wants me to be obliged to 'look after him'. Conversely he told the Police tat he does not want to live here and hates me - BPD/Alcohol - well all just screwed up I cannot deal with this anymore.

[ortac77]

You know the more I am thinking about it (and I accept I might be adding 2+2=5) I started this thread relating to an unsubstantiated accusation at work that I used drugs and alcohol. This being from an anonymous source.

Given that I love my work but it takes me away from home frequently I am starting to wonder about this anonymous source? Its hard to get my head around it but it would make a degree of sense that its mypwBPD I don't want to be paranoid but it would fit with trying to isolate me... .

[formflier]

I got up, he was in kitchen crashing cupboards and making a lot of noise. I merely said good morning and started to make a coffee to which he started with a stream of aggressive swearing ("F" "C" and I replied that I would disengage and get dressed and leave until he calmed down.

He had been warned that I will call the Police if he is aggressive.

I have subsequently spoken to the Police who advise that I should evict him and that I should speak to his Community Psychiatric Nurse - which I have done, as for evicting him yes I think its the only option as having him under my roof is no longer tenable.
 

Was this his first time to have police called on him?

Has he ever been evicted (kicked out) before?

Please don't take my next comments as criticism, but as a possible better way for next time. 

If he is crashing cupboards and obviously upset, hearing "good" morning is likely invalidating to him. 

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

Can I challenge you to read this article and suggest a better way of approaching him in the future?

If he leaves... .what do you think his "pathway to redemption" will look like?

FF

[ortac77]

Hi FF

Please be assured I don't take it as criticism!

Yes I have had to call the Police before once due to threatening behaviour but also when he physically tried to restrain me from leaving home.

He chose to move out before and in hindsight we got on better when he was living seperately - he moved back in with me two years ago after an operation on his back and was not coping well. He had also got into arrears with his rent and I took pity on his situation.

Yes 'good morning' may have been invalidating but having just got up and not being in the best place myself given the situation at work I may not have been thinking clearly in the moment although I can see it was not the best way to approach him.

His 'pathway to redemption is best achieved by therapy and learning that he can manage his own life rather that being dependent on me.

On Friday I was shocked, fearful and angry - this was compounded by my own situation of being stressed and anxious anyway. I have seen my therapist who is helping me to focus on my feelings, I took myself away for the weekend to help push the 'pause/reset' button.

I am calmer now and working on getting my focus back and putting things in perspective.

[SamwizeGamgee]

I had to just join in and give heartfelt agreement to your post title.  Sometimes life just sucks.
And I also appreciate that you mention taking a pause / reset.  That principle has improved my life.  It is so easy for me, being somewhat empathetic, to take on the moods of those around me.  So, when it is my wife's drama crisis of the day, it's hard to not get swept up into it.  It's like hearing dogs bark, almost like they can't help not barking when they hear it.

So, I have installed a "pause" button in my own internal dashboard.  I now breathe at least once fully before speaking to my wife.  I will identify inside first, and then out loud, that I need to think about this, or that I don't understand that - and that I need time.  It's a nice way to deflect the attack and keep my inner peace.  I also remind myself that her problems aren't my problems automatically.  I wish you the best in your pauses.
Aside, have you read "Radical Acceptance" by Tara Brach?  I got a lot of help with my pauses from her book.  FWIW.

[formflier]

SG,

I sometimes actually verbalize "this is the first I've heard of this... let me pause and reflect before answering... "

or variations on that... .

That habit has been good for me...

FF