The black dog

[Pencil sketch]

It's been a little over 8 week, since I changed my number, apart from a letter I sent, we have had no communication, and now know, there won't be.
I think we all kid ourselves, in the early days of NC, that they will re-engage, and as much as we dread it, we know we will get some inner peace, from the addiction.
I have now reached the stage, where I know, we will never have any kind of communication again.
This time, it feels a little different, I know for a fact she won't come back, and I know, i can't either.
With this knowledge, comes the most crippling depression, I feel empty, and everyday, is a struggle.
I am trying to see this, as a positive, another phase of the grieving process, my brain has had enough, left me with the basic emotions needed for me to survive, and buggered off on holiday to recoup.
Little by little, I am getting it, I have moments, where I feel free, and relieved, over time, I hope these will add up.
This is so very hard.

[stixx44]

Pencil,

I understand.  I’m heading into 8 weeks NC too.  She last contacted me with a foolish text that I know was an opening I was supposed to take.

I so wanted to answer her, but my logical brain took over and I fought the impulse.  I felt great, empowered, in control.  I kept thinking “she’s seeing the light.  She knows she made a mistake.  She’s miserable and wants to re-engage.”  (One of her texts was “I’m such a fool.)

I felt sure that she would try again, and with the passage of time, perhaps I would’ve spoken with her from a calmer place.

I had thought at the time that I was glad to be done with it. And I felt that it ended with me finally walking away.  But that feeling didn’t last as the weeks went on.

Now, like you, the reality is setting in that this was indeed the end.  I doubt she’ll contact me again since I didn’t respond.

I’m surprised at myself that I still want her to.  I feel somewhat pathetic.  But she has been my Achilles heal for 18 months now, and it still hurts.

I will not reach out.  Of that I’m sure.  But I do miss her, even though I know it wasn’t a good r/s for me to be in.

I guess I just want to commiserate with you, as I know how difficult this is.

It has to get better, right?

Stixx

[Pencil sketch]

Thanks dude.
I always told her, she was my Achilles heel, maybe that was my downfall, I laid out my biggest weakness, and she knows it.
Like You, changing my number, initially, made me feel in control, but that was short lived, when I knew, it didn't bother her, if I was around or not. How can one be left feeling so bereft, when the other barely acknowledges your existence.
She suffered from depression, and had a drink problem, didn't work for the 2 yrs I knew her. Now, she is in employment, has a social life, and new partner, and I am wiped off her radar. That's what hurts the most, the times she cried, when she poured it all out, and I soothed and comforted her, in her devaluing phase, she said how annoying she found it.
I take comfort, from the fact, I am by far the only one. Your honesty is a real tonic.
We will get there.

[gotbushels]

Hi Pencil sketch   

With this knowledge, comes the most crippling depression, I feel empty, and everyday, is a struggle.

Each week gets easier.  Some parts after this can feel like learning to live your life again. The good news is you get the re-write it.

Little by little, I am getting it, I have moments, where I feel free, and relieved, over time, I hope these will add up.

Yes--they will.

This is so very hard.

I know.

I hope the peace comes easier for you and I hope you enjoy the freedom this brings.



stixx44   

... .  She’s miserable and wants to re-engage.”  (One of her texts was “I’m such a fool.)

Well done on not getting tangled and sticking to the plan you set for yourself. I understand that this isn't easy.

It has to get better, right?

Yes--surely. 

[Cromwell]

Hi Pencil Sketch

I know how depressing it can be when "realisation" kicks in, the idea that this person really isnt going to be in our life again, despite the profound impact they had when they were.

The depression I had at the same time, after 2nd month, it was a difficult time because I had been 1 month NC before and had an easy recycle, so at month 2 it started to made me think, the message to her was clear this time. Then by chance I reinstalled whattsapp and she was there and had obviously not blocked me. I didnt message her though, I blocked and deleted. I eventually got my own life back together, the depression went away. I reminded myself always that this person also caused me a great deal of low mood and trauma, despite the good times, and i valued myself enough to get out of that toxicity. this recovery was difficult to begin with because i was still so accustomed to thinking about her, as well as longing for her in the sense i had became enmeshed over the years and reliant upon her. my undivided attention to her, to prove my commitment and take away her paranoia, came at the expense of eroding a valuable support network. Then when her craziness accellerated, I had no one to turn to.

the black dog is expected to arrive at some point in any r/s that ends, it just for me stayed around slightly longer with this person. as she drifted further away to the point of no return, I found acceptance in that and the depression is gone entirely, because there is nothing to be depressed about anymore. in fact, conversely, I found unexpectedly a lot that is making me happy and reconnecting with my former self which had been in many ways suppressed and inhibited.

no more snidey hurtful side swipe comments, passive aggression, or having to walk on eggshells. she might have been gone physically, but the conditioned response and longing for the master to throw a scrap from the table was still conditioned. a bit like a slave eventually released, but still feels the weight on his foot from the iron ball that was there for so long. it becomes a sense of de-programming after a r/s like this, and chemical readjustment from the brains expectation of "reward" each time from our ex. Sounds exaggerated? Its not at all, depression was one of the least of my concerns, it was preferable to the psychosis I was verging into due to the stress of her antics. I am glad that I left this r/s and didnt compromise my health.

pencil, dont read too closely in to whatever she said about disregarding the help you gave her when she was in that state. when my ex chose to paint me black, she forgot everything good about the r/s and our past, when i asked her to recall things, promises she made, she was inentionally hurtfull to suggest to me that they were all just meaningless words or staged. thats not because that was true, its because at the devaluation they will say anything to hurt, whether there is any truth to it or not.

mines also eventually got a job in such a short space of time that I initially went NC, when she stalked me back she said she was no longer taking drugs, and was basically trying to paint herself as whiter than white. She had also made new friends that were so good to her.

it didnt take long before i got the distress call that she lost her job, her friends wont help her, she has no money for electricity and shes sorry for all she said bad to me, I was the only true person she ever met, blah blah blah. it is true when they say it at the time, its just that as time goes on they take us for granted and easily suits them to forget kindness, so that they dont need to reciprocate it back.

my ex wanted the cake and eat it. the stability of a r/s with needs regularly served, but also being a "free bird" who could choose whatever she wanted to do, whenever she felt like it. Well sorry, its either one or the other. Im not sure what your r/s was like, but im not depressed anymore having this fickle, self serving person out my life, i only got depressed with myself that I allowed the situation to get so ridiculous in the first place.

just to let you know that the depression is normal and inevitable, stay strong through it and overcome it.

[Pencil sketch]

Thanks cromwell. I am at the stage, where everything is a reminder, and it feels so surreal, because I haven't seen her since August last year, and it still feels, like it was yesterday, I long to find joy in activities again, but atm, it's all triggers. I want to let go, but a part of me has this tenacious grip, and pulls me back, it feels there is a sheer of glass, between me, and the rest of the world.
Can you relate?

[Cromwell]

Thanks cromwell. I am at the stage, where everything is a reminder, and it feels so surreal, because I haven't seen her since August last year, and it still feels, like it was yesterday, I long to find joy in activities again, but atm, it's all triggers. I want to let go, but a part of me has this tenacious grip, and pulls me back, it feels there is a sheer of glass, between me, and the rest of the world.
Can you relate?

Yes and I had no idea where it came from. And yes you describe it quite well, I was very scared of this, it seems a bit like "depersonalisation", due to some post traumatic stress, compounding on some current low mood and/or stress. Excercise alleviates it for me, getting outdoors in crowds, getting all the anti depressant related vitamins and minerals and a bit of retail therapy and being kind to myself.

This outfall brought me to the brink of psychosis myself, joining my ex, that is as close to the sheer of glass between you and rest of the world that I sometimes feel. I use it to my advantage and dont fear it, it helps me tackle problems from a very detached perspective, im learning how to harness it as a tool, rather than worry about it like i did before, and in doing so, it happens far less option. It is heightened anxiety and stress for me, I dont suffer depression hardly ever. Make sure you get plenty Vit D group, Zinc, Selenium, magnesium and iodine. I take these and drink a lot of fresh squeezed citrus, (plenty vitamin C), and get a lot from a clean diet that if I do decide to eat the wrong stuff, I know it is just calories that being added, but at least I have the essential required amount of minerals and vitamins. I noticed a big increase doing this and a huge increase in mood when combined with some exercise.

 especially as I have been keeping very busy, I noticed I only started to think of her was when I had no work to do, so I filled up my free time schedule with new hobbies (physical exercise). Ive also been keeping in contact with some new women friends and its helped a lot to forget her, but not having the pressure of jumping into new R/S, although I think I will be well enough to do so soon.

Id suggest to concentrate on some of the basics, also a good sleep at night, go to bed when your tired, even during the day. rest, and empty the mind, have a nap during the day if possible.

I used to shrug all this off when I was younger as "yea ok whatever", but I notice if I dont do these things my sleep starts to get bad, the depression arrives, it is a circle downwards, this simple regime keeps me from ever getting there.

I felt depressed as long as I allowed her to psychic-ally have remote control over me. What is the point in detaching physically and cutting off communication, if we still allow this person to occupy our minds and have influence over it? For me it meant, accepting she didnt love me, accepting she was far more ill than I appreciated and knowing that theres no point longing for her or thinking of her, ive decided to move on and she wont ever be part of it. its maybe a bit more maverick than some people here do, but its what works for me.

I dont have much personal experience with anti depressents, but they are an option too.

I also have eradicated all stimulants; no coffee (stimulant and mood modifier), alcohol (a depressant) or smoking (a dopamine receptor modifier and enhancer).

Not sure what your climate is like pencil, but summers on the way, its great opportunity to get outdoors. even if it doesnt feel a big boost, it will be doing something, i made the mistake to lock myself away for a few months into a sort of Stronghold "wolfs lair"... .hiding from her and the world essentially. There was a time for that, but I feel far better since returning to my normal life I hadnt reconnected with until recently, it feels great and makes me realise how many of the things I took for granted were lost by being with her.

Good luck Pencil Sketch