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Author Topic: I'm falling back into old bad patterns  (Read 347 times)
Tattered Heart
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« on: April 21, 2018, 11:49:47 AM »

I'm not in a good place right now. For the last 4 weeks my H has had only 2-3 days per week that he is not in chaos. I'm not handling it well. I keep JADEing and we are bickering and arguing constantly.

I can tell he is dealing with control issues because he is criticizing and lecturing me about all the things I do are wrong. Yesterday at dinner, he criticized how I dipped my tortilla chip into the cheese sauce. Seriously? What am I supposed to say to that?

And he keeps getting ramped up at times that I am unable to leave the house. Usually it will be in the morning when I'm getting out of the shower or in the process of getting dressed. Or it's after I've already gotten into pajamas.

The worst was on Wednesday night. He was just in a terrible mood, said he wanted to just relax and zone out on the couch. So we put on a movie and I began to pay bills while watching TV. My attention was diverted between the show and the bills and he just kept talking. I would acknowledge what he was saying but then he went onto a long tangent about seeing other people's perspective in relation to people with various sexual orientations. He asked me my opinion and I said "I don't know. I don't really think about it." And he blew up telling me I wasn't listening to him and didn't care about something that is a part of who he is (no idea what that means). I'm just sitting there wondering how quickly I could get dressed or would getting dressed cause him to flip out. He started to bang his fist on the counter and that resolved my question so I tracked down some clothes, put my keys in my pocket and when he realized I was going to leave, he immediately calmed down.

Thursday I came home from work and I caught him doing something weird... sexually. It wasn't like "Oh no, we have a huge problem" kind of weird. Just not normal. He said he had never done this thing before. He felt very ashamed and embarrassed to be caught. We both laughed about it a little but I'm still uncomfortable with it. Like I know that guys do things when they are alone. We had a conversation about it later and he said that he sometimes feels like he is not adequate or manly enough and he obsesses over ways to make himself more manly.

So I think whatever is going on with him and his behavior is an extreme feeling of not being good enough.

I've just dreaded being around him. I'm working today. Rare for a Saturday but I'm happy as can be about not being home with him. I don't get time alone very often but when he isn't home I just sit and stare at the wall, listening to the silence, because he talks non-stop when he is home. The noise in my mind is so loud from the anxiety of being around him, from his chaos, and from my own inability to handle noise for long periods of time. I just feel really defeated and overwhelmed and because of the noise in my head I cannot get myself into a calm, detached state.

I just need a break from him for a few days but I have no way of getting that.
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Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life Proverbs 13:12

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SunandMoon
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« Reply #1 on: April 22, 2018, 06:21:06 PM »

I'm sorry Tattered Heart - it's horrible when they are picking at everything and bring hyper critical. I'm sure you do a good job of ignoring it but it's still hard to live with.

Excerpt
... .but then he went onto a long tangent about seeing other people's perspective in relation to people with various sexual orientations

It sounds like something on the tv show piqued his interest sexually or made him think about his own sexual identity. That's probably why you walked into an 'experiment' the next day (eww!)
Hard to know how to react to that. I'd probably ignore it unless he wanted to talk about it.

Getting space seems to be the more important point. Do you have an area in your house or garden where you can go to just be alone for a while? Can you create a space like that where you can just sit and read a book (or pretend to read) or put some headphones on and listen to relaxing music? Is it possible to initiate a routine like that for yourself?
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RolandOfEld
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« Reply #2 on: April 22, 2018, 07:40:17 PM »

TH, I'm very sad to hear your back up against a rock again. Those times when the chaos seems not stop are a nightmare. Please hang in there, friend. 

I'm sure you've tried every possible avenue to get yourself some space and I fully understand how work becomes a vacation and how sad that is. Last week my T and I discussed how reading on my train commute and watching a YouTube video or two during my lunch hour did not constitute "personal time".

But I want to discuss an idea with you. Are you currently involved in any activities, e.g. dance class, regular church activity, book club, etc? I ask because though my wife will occasionally do everything to keep me from getting to work, she rarely gets in the way of set activities, such as a company party, appointment with a friend, or networking event, especially if I paid for a ticket or there's money involved. Originally I would not have dared sign up for that singing class, partly out of fear that I would often have to miss it if she was guilting me or throwing a tantrum that day. Now I'm determined to go even on those days. Which means I will have one night out for myself no matter what.

Do you think it would help to have that fixed time every week? And if your husband was having an off day, would it be hard to tell a little white lie and say your activity had been moved to that particular day?

~ROE
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isilme
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« Reply #3 on: April 23, 2018, 02:28:46 PM »

Ugh, the verbal diarrhea that just won't stop.  It kind of just dribbles on and on.  Yeah, I fight the urge to shout, "Please, can you stop talking! I am trying to read!"  I don't think I am like a super-introvert, but I realize if I have no time to sit quietly (the TV can be on, but not someone asking me questions or trying to talk the whole time) and just READ I feel like I never get any energy recharged.  My brain apparently needs reading time, like chunks beyond the time I can grab when he's in the bathroom.

The sexual identity questions and the later event - I agree - I think because pwBPD are often a bit, well, I think they feel unformed in their own personalities at times, and so things on TV seem to make my H suddenly adopt modes of speech or ideas he did not have prior to seeing it (but of course to him he's always been like this).  And maybe an idea of something different made him wonder both how he'd like and if YOU':) like it and he wanted to gauge his own feelings. 

I think as far as "interesting" surprises go, I might foster a "honey, I'm home!" habit of sorts to avoid the potential for that in the future. 

My H is still dealing with his dysfunction, and how he can't stop talking about he's no longer a man, he "knows" I am not attracted to him... .blah blah blah.  H is holding off actually going to the MD for the test she mentioned that might be the actual fix for it - his T might be low.  In fact, we know it's low.  He has all the other symptoms, and a minor supplement to increase it has affected him a bit, so I know if the MD gave him a boost, he'd likely be just fine.  Instead, I think he prefers to complain.

I wrote last week about how my sympathy for health complaints was wearing thin, making me feel like a jerk.  He is still passing two stones, but he acquiesced and agreed to go get a scan so we'd know if they are small enough to come out without surgery (yes) and how many and where they are.  basically, if you ever have kidney stones, you can't know any of this without a cat scan or other imaging.  So I got him to agree to go in Thursday and we learned yes, there are to, one is big, but just small enough to come out eventually on its own, and the other is half that size, and they are almost out, but hanging in there.     So I felt better, and I think he felt better, and a lot of the diatribe of the worst case "what ifs" has died down.  I'm still tired, but took time to go get my hair cut and colored Saturday and invited friends over.  This couple has seen him in worse shape and has been very good about it (I love them as friends, but the W is a bit BPD herself - she doesn't know it but jokes she's the female version of my H and I am the girl version f her H - I think it's kinda true.  Her husband has been very kind and is a good friend to my H, and I think it helps his moods a bit).

I agree with signing up for something, anything (although church things seem to set him off) and using a set few days/nights a week to be around people who aren't barraging you with their verbal diarrhea.
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Tattered Heart
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« Reply #4 on: April 26, 2018, 10:04:08 AM »


But I want to discuss an idea with you. Are you currently involved in any activities, e.g. dance class, regular church activity, book club, etc? I ask because though my wife will occasionally do everything to keep me from getting to work, she rarely gets in the way of set activities, such as a company party, appointment with a friend, or networking event, especially if I paid for a ticket or there's money involved. Originally I would not have dared sign up for that singing class, partly out of fear that I would often have to miss it if she was guilting me or throwing a tantrum that day. Now I'm determined to go even on those days. Which means I will have one night out for myself no matter what.

Do you think it would help to have that fixed time every week? And if your husband was having an off day, would it be hard to tell a little white lie and say your activity had been moved to that particular day?


I do have a regular group at church that I meet with every week and I go to church by myself on Sundays. I meet with friends for dinner once a month or so. It would be very difficult for me to have a sudden change of plans though. That's not like me and he would know that. I never do any activities without planning it into my week.

Sometimes I will go out into the yard to do things when he is like this, but when it's raining, cold, or he starts in at night or before I'm dressed each morning, it's hard to get away from him.

He is back to normal now. He has been very productive around the house. I can still tell that he is in "push" mode because he is very focused on doing other things around the house and he isn't responding to me when I send him a text message. He has stopped saying "I love you" before he leaves the house.  That's fine though. After the intense few weeks I am needing the break. I'm out of town without him this weekend and he didn't even bat an eye about me being gone from the house. No 3rd degree. No accusations. Nothing.

My doctor has been concerned about my blood pressure so I've been taking measurements twice daily. I have found a very significant pattern to my numbers. When I have time away from him my blood pressure drops well into normal. I had 3 days in the last couple days that we were not around each other for about half the day. My blood pressure was excellent. When he is around, my blood pressure increases from 120/75 to 140-160/85. He is literally causing a negative effect on my health.

My goal in the next week is really carve out some steady quiet time for me to just sit still and have no noise around me. I might set up a little place in my closet that I can sit listen to some quiet music, pray, and just make a little space for myself. A no husband zone.
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Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life Proverbs 13:12

RolandOfEld
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« Reply #5 on: April 26, 2018, 08:38:30 PM »

Hi TH, glad to hear you have a few outlets. And I really like the idea of the "no husband zone".

Please pay attention to the blood pressure issue. I have been experiencing pressure pains in my head recently (not headache), that a member here suggested may be linked to blood pressure. I would say my physical condition overall as been degrading due to stress and suppressed anger. I'm working on the anger part with my T.

~ROE
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Tattered Heart
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« Reply #6 on: April 27, 2018, 11:00:25 AM »

I would say my physical condition overall as been degrading due to stress and suppressed anger. I'm working on the anger part with my T.


Looking at anger is important. I can always tell when I am not in a good place because I get this underlying anger and bitterness. My jaw clenches even when I'm resting. I might blow up at any minute. I have less patience for little things (like road rage).

Yesterday I left the grocery store and just cried on the way home because I was so overwhelmed by the sounds and lights and people. I had an urge to yell at a woman who was on the phone while her kid was being a brat (I saw her in several different aisles just ignoring him). The woman in line behind me was standing a little too close and I wanted to tell her to back off.

I broke down at dinner about how out of control my schedule is and how I can't keep up with work and the farm right now and he basically told me to give up social activities. That ended in us bickering.

I'm out of town this weekend. It's probably a good thing because I could use the break from him. A change of scenery will help me.
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Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life Proverbs 13:12

isilme
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« Reply #7 on: April 27, 2018, 12:27:06 PM »

I recently got us a small $17 wrist blood pressure monitor from amazon.  He says he feels more angry/emotional when his "feels" high, and I am trying to get him to use quantitative measurements for some things instead of only qualitative.  I still can't get him to test his sugar regularly at all, but this one he might use. 

I also was alarmed as I saw my own BP was pretty high at the doctor last time I went, but high for me means "not dead".  I admit though that I am very overweight and I know that now I feel my body reacting more to age and so I figure it'd help me keep better tabs on it at home.  The home tests show me more within my range, unless I am sick, and that can raise it. 

I find that having things that measure stuff like weight and temperature for ME is a bit validating and helps me know which way to go - the scale is not budging so I just joined Weight Watchers - just the online stuff, but I am hoping it will make me more accountable and help me break out of this fat-funk.  When I feel like I want to just break down and cry (or yell at screaming children in the store) and all resolve is used up, I now know it coincides with running a fever - I become  a toddler in my coping skills, but there is a physical correlation to it, so I know steps to work on it.  Does that make sense?  Instead of just being fuzzy "I feel bad, what the hell is up?" I know what my body is telling me is measurable and therefore needs to be addressed.

Do you measure your BP at home?  Do you find the farm duties stressful, or is there any peace from doing them?  Do you do them together where he might be stressing you, or alone, where even though it's physically tiring it can be mentally freeing?  I find some good time for myself mowing the lawn of all things.  I feel good moving around, in the sunshine usually, even if it's 100+ outside, and usually, he leaves me be about getting it done.  I get some vitamin D, and left alone, and complete a task that calms me when it's done.  Yay.  Can any of the farm work also be a "husband free Tattered wellbeing zone?"  Do you still have piggies? 

Have a good weekend, try to get some rest while away.
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RolandOfEld
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« Reply #8 on: May 02, 2018, 02:34:49 AM »

HI TH, I understand the anger all too well. For me its biting my tongue, or sometimes punching a wall. It's getting worse. I'll be starting on a thread on the bettering board on this so please watch for it.

How did your trip out of town go?

Hugs,
ROE
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pearlsw
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« Reply #9 on: May 02, 2018, 09:07:20 AM »

Hi TH,

Just a quick thanks for the reminder that we can have our own slip ups! Your post caused me to want to reexamine where I may not being holding myself well enough to my commitment to using better communication skills.

Also, thanks for the chance to commiserate a bit about how difficult it can be with our partners at times, how it just gets to be too much. So glad you had time to get away!

take care, pearl.
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