Driving 7 hrs in uHaul to move her stuff to her new home. Zero gratitude

[prof]

Next weekend, I'm planning on renting a UHaul and driving 7 hours to move uBPDstbxw's stuff down to her new home.

This is going to take quite a bit of my time and money, and I have very little confidence that she is going to reimburse me for anything.  While I'm very excited to be rid of all her things, I wish I could just fast forward and put this ordeal behind me.

Today I sent her a simple text asking if she'd like me to include several items in the move.  When she responded, she accused me of saying bad things about her to S5 (I haven't), and eventually demanded that I leave her alone... .

I have gotten absolutely zero sense from her that she is at all grateful or appreciative of the amount of work I'm putting in to getting her things (and her dog and two reptiles) to her.

[Harley Quinn]

I must ask prof, must you do this?  Could her things be moved another way?  Shipped?  Can she arrange this herself? 

You sound frustrated at her lack of appreciation.  I know what that's like from my own experience with my ex.  It would drive me crazy how I seemed to be going out of my way to do things for him and he would be blowing up at me at the same time and never even seem to acknowledge the trouble I went to.  In the end I asked myself whether my expectations were realistic given his condition and frequent dysregulation.  The answer was no.  What does your history indicate on that front?

Love and light x 

[flourdust]

What's the saying? "The only way out is through."

All this stuff -- divorce, separation -- and the multitude of little steps that comprise them -- pretty much suck. I can understand the desire to fast forward. Bypass the unpleasantness and get on with life. But the only way out is through, no?

It's probably unrealistic to expect anyone to show much gratitude or positivity about the painful steps of separating, let alone the personality disordered. As for compensation ... .a few hundred bucks is a drop in the bucket in the ocean of high-conflict divorce. You will be doing yourself a favor by not letting these inequities rent space in your head!

[prof]

I must ask prof, must you do this?  Could her things be moved another way?  Shipped?  Can she arrange this herself?

Theoretically, she could take care of the move herself, yes.  I don't think she has the financial means to take care of it right now.  (If she's telling me the truth, she just spent most of her money on the security deposit, pet deposit, and first month's rent for her new place.)

I'm rationalizing my heavy involvement in a couple ways.

• I'm eager to be rid of her stuff.  I want my place to feel like mine without all the constant reminders of our relationship.  And she had way too much stuff, anyway!  I'd like to move closer to work in the next few months, and this will make my eventual move that much easier.
• My L's strategy is to keep being super nice to her.  (Keep paying the bills that I've been paying, letting her have S5 every once in a while, etc.)  She's going to argue that I'm this horrible person, but that argument won't hold up against the facts.  While my L never straight up told me to do this move, I think it's in the spirit of our strategy.

You sound frustrated at her lack of appreciation.  I know what that's like from my own experience with my ex.  It would drive me crazy how I seemed to be going out of my way to do things for him and he would be blowing up at me at the same time and never even seem to acknowledge the trouble I went to.  In the end I asked myself whether my expectations were realistic given his condition and frequent dysregulation.  The answer was no.  What does your history indicate on that front?

Oh yeah, my expectations are completely not realistic.  Everything has always been about her.  I don't know why I would expect that anything would be different this time.  I think it's just especially frustrating since I'm spending this much time, effort, and money.

What's the saying? "The only way out is through."

All this stuff -- divorce, separation -- and the multitude of little steps that comprise them -- pretty much suck. I can understand the desire to fast forward. Bypass the unpleasantness and get on with life. But the only way out is through, no?

Very true!

It's probably unrealistic to expect anyone to show much gratitude or positivity about the painful steps of separating, let alone the personality disordered. As for compensation ... .a few hundred bucks is a drop in the bucket in the ocean of high-conflict divorce. You will be doing yourself a favor by not letting these inequities rent space in your head!

Great advice -- thank you!

[prof]

So tonight, S5 fell asleep in the car on the way home from school (I picked him up later than usual because I had a T appointment).

I tried to wake him up for dinner but he just wasn't having it.  So I switched him over to PJs and put him to bed.

I texted uBPDstbxw that he was asleep and apologized that she wouldn't be able to video chat with him tonight.

Her response?  That I must have "my girlfriend" over!

*sigh*  Thanks to our relationship, I have absolutely no desire to get involved with anyone for a very long time... .

[flourdust]

She didn't demand that you wake him up so she could speak to him? Threaten to drive over? Threaten to send the police over? Threaten to document your failure to co-parent for her lawyer, a social worker, or God himself?

You got off easy, bub. 

[prof]

She didn't demand that you wake him up so she could speak to him? Threaten to drive over? Threaten to send the police over? Threaten to document your failure to co-parent for her lawyer, a social worker, or God himself?

You got off easy, bub. 

 that's true!  Yesterday, she threatened to have me arrested for theft if I show up this weekend without our kitchen mixer.  (I called my L about it -- as of right now, the legal agreement is that everything stays in my house unless we mutually agree on it.)

[MeandThee29]

Drama was the story when mine to get his stuff. Oh, my! In retrospect, I should have just kept my distance. I didn't have to be there at all, but I got drawn into it. I waited a full day after he left before I went to the house just to make sure. He used it as opportunity to ping me on multiple fronts. Then he discarded me with a flourish, and a week later begged forgiveness.

Same old, same old.

Appreciative of all I went through to get our stuff out in addition to things he doesn't want? He griped that I hadn't cleaned the bathroom, that the mulching was incomplete, that people who helped me were a little sloppy in some ways. He even asked me earlier to pay some of his costs to set up his place even though I moved too and make very little money.

It had to be done though. The empty house goes on the market shortly. As exhausting as it is getting the house ready, the realtor says it will sell quickly. One less thing to hold over me.

[prof]

I moved her stuff this weekend.  It went surprisingly smoothly.  She even thanked me!

I'm out a ton of money I'll probably never see from her for the truck rental/gas money/hotel/bus ticket home.  But it feels great to be rid of her stuff!

[lighthouse9]

Well done Prof - sometimes we have to bite the bullet and take the high road, even when it costs us.