Here I am missing you [her] again.

[JNChell]

Here I am missing you again. For all of the steps forward, I’m back here again. Part of me doesn’t mind the tears and the snot that are welling out of my face. In a strange way, I find comfort in these feelings. One day I won’t, because one day I’ll be healthy. A Thriver, but while I’m merely surviving, I miss you. It’s all become so final. It’s hard to wrap my head around the fact that we’re not raising our child together. I remember how he used to turn our heads and make us kiss with a smile, a laugh and a clap of his hands. He wants us to be together, but he doesn’t understand. I carry so much guilt for that. We know where we came from. I just wanted more for our children than what we were dealt.

Right now, in this moment, I just want to hold you. I want to feel the curves of your body and breathe in the sent of your hair. No words. Words never served us anyway. I just miss you. I can’t question it. It just is, and I’m sitting with it, and it hurts. Right now, I miss everything about you.

I know things now that I didn’t then. Tools for understanding. Ways to communicate. The thing is, I would be held back as an individual. It would be a daily effort to love and care for you. There are times when I’m ok with this thought. There are also times when I think about all of the things that I want to do. The places that I want to take our Son to see.

I miss you so much. I miss the affection and kind words when you were relaxed and half asleep. I know you meant it then. My desire far outweighed my knowledge, as does your’s. What really bothers me is that only one of us realizes this. Only one of us is taking a time out to assess what is really happening within us.

I wish you could be here with me as I unfold everything that’s been tucked away. There are days that I just want to lay my head in your lap and feel your hands. No words, just a flick to get lost in.

I’m experiencing a step backwards. It is what it is. I miss you, and I love you, but I can never be with you. The latter is the hardest part.

[lighthouse9]

 

This is beautiful JNChell. I'd miss her, too. Keep feeling your feelings, you're right where you need to be.

[Harley Quinn]

   It is so very hard JNChell.  I feel for you.  Loving and letting go of someone we can't be with is bittersweet and not something we prepare to face in life.  It's not supposed to go that way, is it?  We're sold the idea of something completely different - a happy ending to our love story.  I found this very hard to reconcile.
 Choosing to find outlets such as this post to work through these thoughts and feelings is a good approach.  As lighthouse9 says, keep feeling your feelings.  Step by step we heal.   

Love and light x 

[Wicker Man]

Mine wrote to me once "You are the one I will run to.  I am ready for my turn to be your one and your only.  Even when I am so low you give me the high that I need.  I gave my heart to you.  I will love you always and forever."

What I would not give to be able to see her smile as she awoke --coffee I made for her was always waiting on the night stand each and every morning.

To feel her hand in mine, so see her smile, to hear her laugh.  To look into her oh so beautiful eyes.  There was the look of rapture in her eyes.  This was what love was supposed to feel like.

To spend entire days never leaving our room watching movies and talking -oh the conversations we had!  Art, literature, music. 

I miss the nightly video calls with her grandparents -the warmth of family.

Oh God, I miss talking about what our baby might have been like.

To have all of this back and much much more --all I have to do is send a single text message --just one would do it.  Buy a plane ticket, return to her... .

... .and make myself ready for utter emotional, physical and financial destruction.

Four months without contact.  I know there must be a day sometime in the distant future when I won't think about her.



Wicker Man

[Fie]

Dear JNChell,


I am so sorry, I know how hard this is.

Have you read "The journey from abandonment to healing" ?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey JNChell, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through and agree with lighthouse9 and HQ: keep acknowledging your feelings as they come up, and then let them pass.  Based on my own experience and so many posts here, I would submit that there's usually no lack of love in a BPD r/s, yet it turns out that love doesn't conquer all, sad to say, when it comes to BPD.  Maybe you can relate to what I'm trying to express?

LuckyJim

[JNChell]

Thank you, lighthouse9. Your words are reassuring. I wonder if these rough patches aren’t worse than the actual end sometimes. You’ve been a great help.

[JNChell]

Hi, Wicker Man.

... and make myself ready for utter emotional, physical and financial destruction.

You are so right. Thank you for this post. It’s crazy how this pull is still there when I know the outcome. This is the battle between the heart and mind. My T is working with me on this. The pull is there because it’s familiar to me. It’s a subconscious reaction.

[JNChell]

Hello, Fie! I’ve not read that book, but I have seen it mentioned several times. I will add it to my list. Thank you for the recommendation.

[JNChell]

Hey, Lucky Jim. I think I can. Love for another can’t conquer if love for self is absent. I may be off base to what you are explaining here. I apologize if I’ve misunderstood, but I’m going to keep going with this thought while it’s with me.

In these situations, if self love is either lacking or absent, the intense love (feelings) are projections onto our partners. The same way that they project onto us. I showered her with good graces and emotions. I built her up the same way that she built me up. Regardless, it wasn’t a sustainable situation. I know that I never devalued her. I always tried to improve things. I can see now that I went about this wrong.

I know she loved me in the times and moments that she did. I felt it inside. It was genuine and comforting. I also know that she couldn’t sustain that. It must be some kind of hell to not be able to slow down and grasp logic.

I just wish that I could help her. I wish that I could catch her at the perfect time of the perfect day where she was receptive. I wish... .Lucky Jim.

[Wicker Man]

Love for another can’t conquer if love for self is absent.

'I love you' begins with 'I'.  Once must have incredible courage and sense of self to make this statement.  Without a sense of self the statement is meaningless.

In these situations, if self love is either lacking or absent, the intense love (feelings) are projections onto our partners. The same way that they project onto us. I showered her with good graces and emotions. I built her up the same way that she built me up. Regardless, it wasn’t a sustainable situation. I know that I never devalued her. I always tried to improve things. I can see now that I went about this wrong.

In my case I attempted, with some success to do the same.  My ex had had a continuum of relationships ranging from abusive to dysfunctional, as result of this she had developed a very thick skin to protect herself and it took some time to win her trust. 

She is remarkably pretty and is hounded relentlessly.  Being seen as a trophy or conquest it seemed none of her past partners cared to really listen to her.  She was astonished I was interested in her thoughts, feelings and emotions. She is an amazing artist and the inside is actually far more beautiful and interesting than the outside of her.

As we began talking she admitted to having attempted suicide, I told her I already knew.  I told her I had seen the scars the first time we met.  She said 'You don't think I am weak or stupid?'  I said 'No it means you had found yourself in a very dark place and couldn't see a way out'.  After this discussion she opened her heart to me and we began a bond of real trust.

I know she loved me in the times and moments that she did. I felt it inside. It was genuine and comforting.

I had never before, and never will again feel such love.  Precisely because it is not, in my opinion, a sustainable love.  Perhaps my opinion will change in time, but I feel the intensity of her love and devotion (when she was devoted) were at a level of hypersensitivity sensitivity which is impossible for someone without a personality disorder. 

I also know that she couldn’t sustain that. It must be some kind of hell to not be able to slow down and grasp logic.

As I mentioned above, I will never doubt she loved me with all of her being... .  When she was raging I also will never doubt she hated me with every fiber of there being.  When she had been drinking I also believe she would completely forget about us.  I never saw any premeditated malice in her actions -she would just act as if she had no one special in her life.

I just wish that I could help her. I wish that I could catch her at the perfect time of the perfect day where she was receptive.

I ended our relationship after a 7 day rage -she was furious and said 'We have nothing more to talk about' --I thought about this for 2 days and then I agreed with her.  It was the single most difficult thing I have ever done, but her being able to threaten leaving me in a rage meant she was actually capable of ending us at any point. 

I have written it before, but seeing the tears streaming down her face when she said "This is the last time we will ever speak?"  --It was.

So here I am missing her.  I can't say 'again', since it has been every day, I have never stopped missing her.

Since I left her I have quit smoking, something we shared together.

Smoking is soothing, made me feel great -but is deadly and will destroy me in the long run... .

She is soothing, made me feel great -but is deadly and will destroy me in the long run... .

What makes this so damn hard is I know the cigarette manufacturers will be fine without me.  I am afraid my ex lover will have a very difficult, painful and lonely life. 

As far as I know she is still waiting for me to return.  She has never attempted direct contact, honoring our last conversation --but passively posts to instagram.  Veiled messages meant for me, a daily count. 

I have not looked in a week, I do my best not to. 


Wicker Man

[JNChell]

Hi, Wicker Man. Thank you very much for posting and sharing this with us. I truly am sorry for your situation and I know how much it hurts. Also, thank you for being supportive while experiencing all that you have to at this time. You know, one thing I’ve noticed since being a member of this support group is the amount of strong and positive character that is here. We show up here in many different stages of our journeys. Some of us have hit our bottom and are close to throwing in the towel and some of us are much further along in our healing process. The thing is, we all made the choice to not give up, to grow, to push forward all the while doing what we can to be helpful to others. Personally, I think that  that’s pretty amazing.

Along with the many, you’ve been a great contributor here, Wicker Man. I hope you’ll stay here with us and continue to share your experience and wisdom with others. Again, thanks for the post. It has given me perspective and I appreciate that.

[Wicker Man]

Along with the many, you’ve been a great contributor here, Wicker Man. I hope you’ll stay here with us and continue to share your experience and wisdom with others. Again, thanks for the post. It has given me perspective and I appreciate that.

JNChell -Thank you for your kind words.  Spending hour upon hour reading the accounts of people in various stages of their experiences with Borderline Personality Disorder has helped me stand by, or perhaps better said justify, my decision to end my relationship. 

She has not been diagnosed, but seems to have the hallmarks of the disorder -severe abandonment issues, attempted suicide, dysphoria, self mutilation, visual and auditory hallucinations when under extreme duress, loose with the truth, rage, willingness to ruthlessly cut off communication with people close to her (both family and friends -hell, once even me) and then to just as quickly reengage,  thrill seeking (putting herself in dangerous situations), loss of control when drinking, extreme and unjustifiable jealously, and finally our relationship became very intimate very rapidly -I became 'her whole world', her 'knight in shining armor'... .  Damn, if hurt to hear this dialogue is usual to the point of banality in a relationship with a person suffering from BPD... . 

I find my self now grappling with this notion. Am I active on this board not for catharsis, but to keep my connection with her?   -Am I subconsciously keeping our relationship alive but revisiting it here?  Hopefully not, and only time will tell.

I am in therapy and working hard to understand the emotional and psychological fallout from ending my single most intense interpersonal experience. 

It is a catch 22, but I look forward to the first day I don't think about her --but if I know I am not thinking about her... .Then I thought about her... .Damn... .  Anyway you get the idea.

BPD Family has been an incredibly important resource and has helped give me the strength to stand by my decision, to remember the dysfunction, and not hyper focus on the fairytale I had written for us --to extrapolate what continuing down that path would have likely meant to my future wellbeing.




Wicker Man
 

[Cromwell]

Hi Wicker Man,

There is some good outlook on the horizon, I found my own detachment to become exponentially easier as time goes on. At the start, I was information seeking as you are now. Today I think of her only because of this connection to the board, but I dont see that as a bad thing. I took a break yesterday and didnt think of her at all. At the start, I tried hard to distract myself but it didnt work, the thoughts were too intrusive, the reinforced memories too fresh. Someone wrote here, that catharthsis can actually lead to keeping the memories stronger, the opposite of what the goal is desired to be achieved if you want to move forward and not think so much about her.

so at the beginning, if my experience is anything to go by, it felt like I wasnt really achieving anything. I was learning, but it didnt seem to help at all. but once that learning gets incorporated and you can view the things that have happened with more enlightened perspective, it helps to make sense of it all, and in doing so find some acceptance. Then as time goes on for me, the mid ground was releasing all the repressed emotions I either denied or couldnt feel free to express during the R/S. we are talking here mostly anger, not just at my ex but to myself, for appeasing so much and in the midst of that, feeling a party to it. Once I got through that, the greyscale days you mentioned started to slowly change and I could also be distracted by other goals in life, and not think of her.

im at the stage now that I do think of Medusa, but in a generally non reflexed emotively charged way. There is no choice but to think of your ex if your coming to this board and wanting catharthis (sic) you are forcing yourself to recall in order to express. but theres a big difference in my choice to do this then the times where she would circulate in my mind from the moment my eyes opened to the moment they closed, im in control of it now and youll get there too.

Regards

Cromwell

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi JNChell,  I know the pain you are experiencing.  I’ve had to confront it over and over again.  It does get better.  You have to go through the pain to get past it.  If you stop, or try to go around, you will sooner or later be facing it again. 

I hope you are having better days.

Blessings and peace,

Mustbe