You always must be aware that your pwBPD could relapse

[walkinthepark247]

Friends,

I haven’t been as active as I should on this site. Two things have been going on: a) been very busy at work and b) I was under the false impression that things were improving.

I have seen many others on this site warn of letting your guard down. Perhaps guard isn’t the correct word. Rather, you always must be aware that your pwBPD could relapse when you least expect it. That “improvement” that you are seeing might be fleeting.

When I first started on my BPD awareness journey, I had a counselor that pointed me towards books on BPD. I suspect that was like many of you here. You knew something was horribly wrong, but you didn’t know exactly what it was. My initial counselor told me that you must have a free space “like the state of Montana”. For our overseas friends, think of the least populated areas in the world. What he meant is that you have to take a breather from the pwBPD from time-to-time. This doesn’t mean divorce or leaving them. Rather, you are simply stepping back and allowing yourself to heal. Yes, much of the literature and posts here will encourage using empathy. But, you have to acknowledge the profound effect living with someone (diagnosed or not) with BPD can have on your life. This time last year, I was having chest pains even because of the intense stress I was under at home. Don’t let it kill you! I’m partially saying this to myself.

One of the hardest things for me to grasp was saying “I’m going to go do XYZ. You’re welcome to come join me.” Yesterday, I woke up and just decided that I was going to take our oldest daughter to a theme park for the day. From the moment I came home on Friday, it was clear that my wife was in a dark place. She was lacing into me (verbally). The relationship between her and our oldest daughter has become quite toxic. It really saddens me. Quite honestly, I really didn’t want my wife to come on this trip. My daughter and I needed a break. We just have to remember that the pwBPD is never going to acknowledge that we must get away, even for a short time, for our own health and well-being. You know what? My daughter and I had a great time! We were able to talk the whole day and act silly.

Like others here, my spouse refuses to acknowledge BPD or any other kind of mental health issue. In the past, I would suggest that she might be dealing with “mental health issues”. Everyone else has BPD but her. I’m repeatedly called a narcissist and told that I have BPD. This was after she discovered my stash of BPD books.

I don’t really know where this post is heading entirely. There is no larger question. I do hope that others just starting out on this site will read this post and remember to stay vigilant. Yes, there are stories of those with BPD improving. At the same time, we must be prepared that they will show signs of improving only to come crashing down when you aren’t prepared. My father was in the U.S. Coast Guard and used to sing the Coast Guard march song to us as kids. For those who don’t know, it’s “Semper Paratus”. That should be our slogan as well: Always ready.

Yes, it does get exhausting having to always be “ready”. But, I don’t see any other option in these relationships. That’s the hardest part. At the same time, I have gained a great deal more peace by not focusing on my spouse’s illness. Instead, we must focus on how we react to it and protect ourselves and any kids in the equation.

Forgive the rambling nature of this post. I would encourage others to also just lay it out there on this site. Come back and read your old posts. It will also help you to see some patterns and timelines.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[StormySkies]

I've been giving quite a bit of thought lately to what the physical cost of living with my H is on my own health.    Every time I read some article on longevity - I realize this life is the opposite of the advice given.  For example,  I'm not surrounded by friends/family - they have all been driven away. 

I've been trying to be better about asking H to join us - but truth be told,  sometimes I pick activities that I know he won't want to do.

 This weekend -I took daughter to kids movie knowing he wouldn't want to go.   I am careful to not ask if front of daughter so her feelings aren't hurt when he says he doesn't want to go.    Still - sometimes she will ask him and then he sneers and makes nasty remarks about how the last thing he would want to do is see some stupid kids cartoon movie, etc.   

Yes,  always vigilant.   Exhausting though, isn't it?

I'm glad you were able to enjoy a nice day with your daughter.   

[walkinthepark247]

Stormy, it's a pleasure to meet you. It's always nice to hear the prospective of others. How long have you known about BPD? I don't know about you, but I can physically feel the negative aura in the air when I know it is going to be one of "those" weekends. I can also see the effect it is having on my 5 y.o. daughter.

Sometimes, my wife will come along on outings even when she is at her absolute lowest. She wants everyone around her to feel how low and tortured she is feeling. Don't get me wrong; I genuinely feel sorry for my wife. It must be terrible to go through life like that. But, I need to live my life as well. That negativity can really pull you down into a dark place. For those with kids, our kids need us to be there and alert. If we are being sucked down a darkness vortex, we aren't any good to ourselves or others.

I've been on this site long enough that I have seen patterns in the relationships of others. No, I don't know the exact day-to-day of those on this site. But, I have seen plenty of posts about improving ("things are going great" to be followed by the lowest of the lows and even divorce proceedings. I've even seen it in my own posts and journal.

I'm also not contemplating leaving. I made that decision with the help of my new therapist. But, he did ask me to remain alert as to the effect it may be having on our kids. He was very blunt about this.

[StormySkies]

Stormy, it's a pleasure to meet you. It's always nice to hear the prospective of others. How long have you known about BPD? I don't know about you, but I can physically feel the negative aura in the air when I know it is going to be one of "those" weekends. I can also see the effect it is having on my 5 y.o. daughter.

Sometimes, my wife will come along on outings even when she is at her absolute lowest. She wants everyone around her to feel how low and tortured she is feeling. Don't get me wrong; I genuinely feel sorry for my wife. It must be terrible to go through life like that. But, I need to live my life as well. That negativity can really pull you down into a dark place. For those with kids, our kids need us to be there and alert. If we are being sucked down a darkness vortex, we aren't any good to ourselves or others.

I've been on this site long enough that I have seen patterns in the relationships of others. No, I don't know the exact day-to-day of those on this site. But, I have seen plenty of posts about improving ("things are going great" to be followed by the lowest of the lows and even divorce proceedings. I've even seen it in my own posts and journal.

I'm also not contemplating leaving. I made that decision with the help of my new therapist. But, he did ask me to remain alert as to the effect it may be having on our kids. He was very blunt about this.

I've recently had an awakening.   I've known something was wrong for a long time.  H is retired military,  I thought he has combat PTSD and that our problems began 10 years ago when he came home from war.  But I now see that have been there from day one  and have gotten much worse.

what I hate the most is that he treats our 8yo daughter terribly.     Yesterday,   when we came home from the movie he was angry because he was starving and I wasn't there to make dinner.   I told him that there was Panera Mac and Cheese in the frig.  He said he would eat that and proceeded to heat it in the microwave.    Daughter said "oh,  Panera!, is there more?".   I said told her yes,  there was several more containers in the frig.   H snarled at her that she could just have his... .I then went to get him another container from the frig,  it takes a whole 2 mins to heat up.   He then snarled at me that he didn't f'ing want it .  I said "are you sure,  you just said you were starving and it only takes 2 mins".    Nop,  curse at me something about all we (daughter and I ) do is take, take, take and slams some stuff around on his way out to the garage.   Daughter , of course, is upset and no longer hungry so I run her a bath.   While she is in the bath - go out to talk to H.   I walk out and I start to say in a normal tone "I think that we should... ."  cuts me off and snarls "I don't care what you think,  get the f "k away from me.   

[SunandMoon]

A good post WalkinthePark and a good reminder to anyone reading these posts that we can make all the changes, use all the tools, but BPD is always going to be there.

I've recently been celebrating 7 months - wow! - of pretty much 'great marriage', thanks to years of learning and applying the tools consistently. It ended last Thursday but I guess 7 months is a victory. So your post is very timely for me.

I don't know that I would describe it as 'always ready' (that sounds a bit like eggshells territory) - rather I would say, don't be lured into thinking the madness is over; 'don't forget'.

I guess that falls under the radical acceptance category.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi witp, it's good to hear from you. You were a huge support to me when I first came to the board and I've been wondering how you were. Thank you for updating us on your situation.

I forgot how similar our situations were, especially in terms of the effect on the kids. Great job on not focusing on your wife's illness and making time for you and your daughter. I try to do the same for S5 when my wife is in a bad way.

These days I think it's the eternal "readiness" that is hurting me more than when things actually explode. Like you I have physical symptoms of the stress, particularly pressure in the head. Before that it was chest pain like you described. Not sure which I should be more nervous about.

Right now I'm not sure people with BPD can genuinely "improve" unless they are in treatment with a guided track. Real improvements for me mean changes would stick and can't be blown away in one episode. For me, one episode of stealing / destroying my things, hitting me, or locking me out negates 3 months of good behavior. 

I'm curious to know what else you're doing to heal while still within the context of the relationship.

~ROE

[Enabler]

Is it always ready or is it learning a new way?

When an egg rolls off the worktop I don't think about making an attempt to catch it, it's reflexive. I wouldn't consider myself consciously always ready. In the same way it was reflexive for me to want to correct the narrative, react to aggression with aggression, and invalidate... .now it's becoming a reflex action to respond or actually, to not react at all.

I feel more at ease now than I think I have ever felt in the last 20 years of my relationship. Will it fix the relationship? Who knows, but I'll smile through it all.

 

[StormySkies]

In the same way it was reflexive for me to want to correct the narrative, react to aggression with aggression, and invalidate... .now it's becoming a reflex action to respond or actually, to not react at all.

This is where I'm trying to get to , I think. 

I think for me the staying vigilant is making sure that I always have a support system for when "things happen"  because truly, I don't think I can count on him because that's when his BPD is the worst - when I need a shoulder the most.

For example,  a few years back - my aunt died after a terminal illness.   She had several remissions and things would look good,  when the end came - it was pretty quick.   She lived out of state and I decided to fly home for the funereal and to support my mother , see family including my siblings.   (We don't live near any of my family).   I needed to get a dress and asked if he would watch our 2yo while I went to the downtown department store rather than trying to find something at our mall.  Nope,  he insisted on going with me and then playing on his phone while I tried to corral 2 yo and shop for a dress for a funereal.   He was really angry at me about the dress shopping,  I asked why - his response was that I should have bought a dress already basically when she was still alive because I knew she was terminal.  I began to crying quietly and said " i didn't think she was really going to die"  and he said meanly  "well, that's what terminal means... ."  The next day,  as I'm getting ready to fly out, he dysregulates - screams at my about "just f'ing go then" and throws my suitcase down the stairs.    It was bizarre and frightening,   it was months before I was brave enough to ask what that was all about .   And his answer " I guess I was upset because it felt like you cared more about her than me... ."

I recently had a cancer scare and I have a congenital heart defect - for me "always ready" means that I must never forget that my emotional and physical needs will always be secondary to his in his mind. 

[Radcliff]

walkinthepark247, how are you doing?

WW