Advice please: A non-JADE response

[NGU]

I woke up to a written note of frustration this morning, placed on the kitchen counter.

Translation of The Note
“Hey NGU, I’m simmering and this is the early sign of a bad, prolonged episode. As you know, one frustration means I will soon have anxiety about everything. Make this carefully go away or you will bear the full force of my mental illness for weeks.”

What I Want to Say
Deep down, I want to tell her to leave me alone and then accuse her of not trusting my judgment. What I will be doing instead is acknowledging her frustration and then… something something something.

Quick Background
--Her dad’s funeral was a year ago this weekend. All the typical BPD traits have been around the entire time.
--We closed on a house about a year ago.
--I work 10-12 hour days as a stay-at-home husband. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, bills, taxes, shopping, repairs, improvements; all house logistics. We don’t talk about it. I just do it.
--I mentally crashed in early March and started posting here again. Numb/anxious combo.
--She snapped out of it less than two weeks ago, around the year-anniversary of his death.
--Last week, we talked about her year-long haze. The timeline of the year has actually escaped her. She did mention how grateful she is that I’m taking care of things.
--She still regularly wakes up in a foul mood. Sometimes less than an hour. The dog and I hide as necessary.
--If I ever get nastygrams like this note, it’s in the morning. It’s when she wakes up early for some reason and has time to sit alone and simmer. She also just started her period, which leads to near-debilitating cramps for an average of 4 days.

The Note
She apparently saw the daily to-do list on the white board of my office. (Which means she also saw the new copy of Feeling Good below it… the book with the word “depression” on the front cover.) In her note, she says I’m taking too much time on the list and not making enough progress on the house. She says it seems like I’m spinning my wheels, and it’s frustrating for her to watch. She suggests paring down on a couple domestic items. I told her I would need to address this note, and she seemed sad that she wrote it. She then hugged me a couple times before she left for the day.

The JADE Response
Basically explaining and justifying in a typed/printed response. Trust me, it has to be typed. And trust me, she hates when I JADE.
--She knows I’m recovering from an injury and that it’s been too cold to paint outside.
--She knows I just blew two days repairing the driveway, and two more days being her wing-man for out-of-town family stuff. We weren’t even supposed to be back yet.
--She knows I just spent three evenings helping her with her own projects.
--She knows I put her first.
--She will find out that I’m spending more time online trying to iron out my own mental garbage.
--She will find out that the list is a serving suggestion, and that every day there’s a rewritten list of priorities as I put out fires. In fact, I’ve already been blowing off the things she’s suggesting.

My Questions
--Do I just acknowledge the note, and say I understand, and drop it? I mean, I could bust my butt today to make it look like there’s been a major improvement. Like shining turds until I can make actual progress.
--Or do I acknowledge this and then try to get us on the same page regarding my daily/life goals? (And risk JADEing by reassuring her.)

Either way, I now have to stop being annoyed that I just wasted an hour typing this out.

Thanks,
-ngu

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[zachira]

You've got a real ongoing dilemma on your hands. You are doing what you can to take better care of yourself which is a terrifying threat to your wife who fears abandonment. You cannot go back to where you were, as you have changed and are motivated to move forward. No matter what you do, her bad behavior is likely going to escalate, so you are going to be more challenged to keep your peace of mind. I admire your courage to seek answers and changes in your interactions with your wife. You are becoming stronger by the day, and you must be ready to do what you have to do, if you are challenging her by taking better care of yourself and finding more positive ways to interact with her. Keep us posted, especially in the next few days, as you have some big challenges ahead of you. I know you will receive lots of support from others on this Board who will share their experiences on how best to weather the storm.

[isilme]

I'd simply not respond.  I'd only acknowledge the note if she asks, and then "yes, I saw it, hope you're day is going ok.  Seemed like you felt it was going to be rough."

The note is her trying to lure you into a fight so she can vent her feelings in the way that feels "normal" to her.

The reasons are good for you to know, they give you feelings you can validate at the appropriate times, but usually, when H is poking me, trying to blame me for things not my fault, he's trying to start a fight, and I try to not give it to him.

There is nothing to explain.  There is no response needed.  You are not going to change her mind with words, so don't waste them.  This not-veiled threat of "take charge of my emotions or else" can just be ignored.  Either she blows up or doesn't. but it's not YOUR job to prevent her from doing it.

Here are two scnenarios;

1 - you respond.  You intend to try to validate but end up JADEing (it's just too easy to do), and the desire to respond comes from a need to JADE anyway.  A fight ahppens, things are unpleasant at best for a while.  Rinse.  Repeat.

2 - you DON'T respond.  You go about your day as if the little rage note had not been seen.  If asked, you say, there didn't seem to be anything to say, and then change the subject.  She was not ASKING you anything, she was demanding you do something you. can't. do.  Manage her emotions FOR her.  So, she may find that after morning has passed, after some coffee/breakfast/work/whatever, she's no longer in little note leaving ragey mood.  She acts kinda normal, you act kinda normal, fight does not happen.  Or, if the fight DOES happen, you did not contribute to it by trying to JADE and offer a response when one was not needed.

Here's the thing:  we CAN'T stop them from raging.  It can get to be less often, it can get to be less intense, but those emotions are still inside, those BPD reactions can be bypassed but are still in the computer core.  We need to give ourselves permission to accept it. is. not. our. fault. if. they. blow. up.  No matter what they claim, it's not our fault.  What we CAN do is refuse to allow the blow up to affect us as much as it used to.  To refuse to accept responsibility for managing their emotions.  To understand this is a condition, a disease talking, and we don't have to accept insults and hurts thrown at us.  We don't have to respond or validate the invalid.  :)emanding you manager her motions or suffer is pretty invalid to me.  

[NGU]

as you have some big challenges ahead of you.

Yeah. Even when this has subsided to standard-relationship communication problems, the subtext is that any small event is a warning sign for a potential major escalation. It is nice having her returning, mentally, for a large majority of the day.

Honestly, I could use a week off from dealing with everything. I'm fried. But that would mean leaving for a week, and any way you slice that, the end result is a worst-case scenario. Speaking from experience.  

I'd simply not respond.  I'd only acknowledge the note if she asks

Yeah. No response. But to be safe, I'm halfway done preparing for the possible question. If she does bring it up, it will be in the form of another complaint.

I'll copy and paste your response. It's something I'll have to hammer into my head daily until the denial wears off... .that this will never stop happening, even in the best of times.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi NGU,

It sounds like you're feeling a great deal of pressure to 'make everything right' and 'keep everything together'.  I'm unsurprised that you say you could use a break. 

How much of this pressure do you feel comes from your wife and how much is internal for you?  Just a ball park percentage.  As a codependent person I am willing to admit that the vast majority of the stress and pressure that I've felt as though I was caving under the weight of at times was heaped on by myself.  I'm just interested to know if that's the case for you, or whether there is more direct pressure from your wife to achieve perfection.  Maybe something to think on. 

As isilme says, the rages will happen regardless of what you do, and whether you get everything right or not.  It's an impossible task to try to prevent them altogether.  Readying yourself to not take it personally or to heart is time better spent than avoidance.  Remain true to yourself. 

I'd also be tempted to either not reply, or if she brings it up, to make it as short and sweet as possible.  Something along the lines of 'Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me on this.  I'm glad you could let me know how you feel.'  You might go on to add that you can see how it would be frustrating.  Remember not to validate the invalid, only the feeling behind what she is saying.

Every situation like this is an opportunity to take away learning.  For both of you.  Let us know how things go.

Love and light x   

[SunandMoon]

Hi NGU

It certainly sounds like your plate is full and totally understandable that you would like a break. Unfortunately, as we know all too well, no breaks allowed.

However, I'd like to echo what the others have said and suggest that you can give yourself a break by not reacting into this nastygram (love that word!)

Either way you look at it, it is bait - and if you take it, it just opens the door for more of the same. Given what you've written, I don't see how you could not JADE. So better not to go there.

If she does bring it up, perhaps a good response would be something along the lines of "Yes, I read it but I'm more interested in what is going on behind it. I know this is a tough time of year for you. What can you do to make yourself feel better?"

Acknowledge the feelings. Put the ball back in her court.

Who knows? She woke up early in a bad mood, maybe with PMT, and had time to find a way to blame it all on you. Don't buy into that blame. It might be over by the time she gets home, so don't spend too much time giving it energy.

Fingers crossed for you!

[NGU]

Something along the lines of 'Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me on this.  I'm glad you could let me know how you feel.' 

You might go on to add that you can see how it would be frustrating.

That first part I've been sliding into conversation for months. I think it's registering.

The second part is the crux of the notes I wrote for a possible reply. Just to get the wording down for any future ad-lib.

How much of this pressure do you feel comes from your wife and how much is internal for you?  

Before, the pressure came from her. The day she hovered a kitchen knife over her wrist, I had to 100% give up yelling. So my angst was build-up from constantly swallowing the irritation of her surreal rants, added to the mental twitching after she said something extremely hurtful. Then in March, I gave up hoping it would get better, and gave up taking her seriously. I don't believe her if she rants or says anything hurtful, and I don't care if she ever locates her mostly missing libido.

The pressure since then has come mostly from me. I get the feeling I'm really close to figuring her out on a higher level. The problem is that my brain never stops working. Alone, it's either reading/digesting, thinking while doing housework or thinking while doing work on the house. When she's here, I'm digesting what she's doing or saying to add to the noticeable patterns, while responding in the textbook ways, all while trying to ramp myself up to hide the numbness.

I understand that she'll go off no matter what, but I have definitely noticed a decrease in her making me the brunt of her rants. In recent mornings, it's actually been about the dog getting underfoot. Or nags about inanimate objects.

I have also noticed that she's better if she doesn't have to do any work around here. Historically, her brain starts malfunctioning if she has more than one thing on her to-do list. I've figured out how to get everything done, but there's no days off.

Let's not forget the money, which will run out. I can't even bring myself to crunch the numbers on best options to dip into my 401k early, as a way to settle me down a bit.

That all sounds pretty bad. But I do indeed love her, and we really are as close to "meant for each other" as you can realistically get.

-ngu

Edit: SunandMoon... .I just saw your post. I'm going to have to add "bait" as a concept while mentally twirling everything around. Not solid on that one.

[NGU]

Anyway, the takeaway of the resulting discussion is that we're all in the same boat, and I'm not a cyborg.

There was also a suggestion to watch DBT Peer Connection: Reality Acceptance Skills.

The final question to think about was... .why am I holding myself to a standard where I can't feel stuff? The only response I have right now is that I'm tired of being tired, I'm tired of thinking about our past/future problems and I'm tired of being busy. So maybe it's the same reason I started zoning out in March. Self-preservation. There's a hurdle, and I've successfully jumped over it. I just haven't landed yet.

The anxiety over our home life has been pretty bad this week. Not because of my wife. Everything now stems from money problems, which I can't make go away at the moment. But I'm still trying to feel less worry about it.

That is all.

-ngu

[zachira]

I think you are dealing with a challenge that many of us face who get involved in unhealthy relationships: The love we did not get from our families makes it more likely that we will be attracted to the wrong people, and we will continue to make these types of people the center of our lives. As a staff member, it does help others to know what your challenges are, and often inspires others to have the courage to face their challenges. Keep us posted on your journey and let us know how we can best support you!

[isilme]

I  have also noticed that she's better if she doesn't have to do any work around here. Historically, her brain starts malfunctioning if she has more than one thing on her to-do list. I've figured out how to get everything done, but there's no days off.

What things do you mean?  Is it hosuework, and how much is her wanting it done and how much is you wanting it done?  I am just asking because I know a lot of couples get into fights or have irritations based on housework disparity.  One person always seems wired to be cleaner than their partner.

I do all the housework, but I have also spent a long time working to commnicate I am one person, so I will do it when I can or it won't get done.  I then I ahve to allow myself a messy table for a few days if that's what it takes for me to get a little relaxation time.  His neat-meter and mine are not in sync.  He can live off a pile of clean clothes in a corner or in a basket, I feel guilty if mine are not folded or hung up.  He can live washing dishes as he needs them, I feel more sane if they are all out of the sink at least, and are clean and drying if not put away.  He is fine waiting until the lawn is knee high before he feels bad about it, but I know hit takes more time and effort if it's too tall, and I worry when it's noticeably shaggy looking. 

At a time when he and I almost split, it kinda hit me that living alone would not take away most of my chores.  2 loads less laundry a week, and somewhat fewer dishes.  Maybe less trash to take out overall.  The floor would take the same time to sweep and mop, the yard the same time to mow, etc. 

So I made peace that as a person who NEEDS a tidier environment, I will shoulder that and if I am sick or tired, I will not feel abd for the house looking messy. 

So - are you cleaning for YOU, for ansitation, or are you cleaning to prevent nagging from her?  If it's you, then give yourself a break.  If it's her, try to give yourself a break :D

[Skip]

The final question to think about was... .why am I holding myself to a standard where I can't feel stuff? The only response I have right now is that I'm tired of being tired, I'm tired of thinking about our past/future problems and I'm tired of being busy. So maybe it's the same reason I started zoning out in March. Self-preservation.

Shutting down is protecting. Is shutting down living?

Anyone have thoughts on this?