BPD wife dysregulating badly after attempt to set boundaries

[Depression = 72% of members]

My BPD wife has been in counseling for almost 2 years, and I have attended with her on occasion. Problem is I believe she is either misdiagnosed or underdiagonsed by her therapist (she hasn't given him permission or he is just refusing to give me any diagnosis).  So now, as I have educated myself and begun to understand what I am dealing with, I made the conscious decision with the help of my personal therapist to begin setting some boundaries.  This was met with extreme dysregulating which is going on as we speak. I made the mistake of mentioning BPD in one of our discussions, and now she is fixated on me playing psychiatrist and the unprofessionalism of my doctor for even suggesting a diagnosis.  Regardless of that error, I do feel like I am moving the needle by standing up for myself which she interprets as me being a jerk. Yes, I've not always displayed perfect empathy and love, but feel like anything other than giving in to her rants or delusions about how me or my family has wounded her would be interpreted as me being hostile or snarky.  Am I wrong to see this as progress as she has nowhere to go with her need to inflict/deflect perceived pain? She wants me to go again with her to her therapist and start marriage counseling -- good sign or desperate attempt to regain control of my emotions?

[cx4nt]

My BPD wife has been in counseling for almost 2 years, and I have attended with her on occasion. Problem is I believe she is either misdiagnosed or underdiagonsed by her therapist (she hasn't given him permission or he is just refusing to give me any diagnosis).  So now, as I have educated myself and begun to understand what I am dealing with, I made the conscious decision with the help of my personal therapist to begin setting some boundaries.  This was met with extreme dysregulating which is going on as we speak. I made the mistake of mentioning BPD in one of our discussions, and now she is fixated on me playing psychiatrist and the unprofessionalism of my doctor for even suggesting a diagnosis.  Regardless of that error, I do feel like I am moving the needle by standing up for myself which she interprets as me being a jerk. Yes, I've not always displayed perfect empathy and love, but feel like anything other than giving in to her rants or delusions about how me or my family has wounded her would be interpreted as me being hostile or snarky.  Am I wrong to see this as progress as she has nowhere to go with her need to inflict/deflect perceived pain? She wants me to go again with her to her therapist and start marriage counseling -- good sign or desperate attempt to regain control of my emotions?

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[cx4nt]

Just clarify as I learn some of the terminology -- I guess what I am really practicing is extinction, which she is reacting to intensely.  But where do you draw the line between empathy and enabling?

[once removed]

can you tell us more about the boundaries you tried to set/proposed, and how the conversation went down?

[cx4nt]

Just clarify as I learn some of the terminology -- I guess what I am really practicing is extinction, which she is reacting to intensely.  But where do you draw the line between empathy and enabling?

I'm really trying not to "take the bait" with taunts, overblown perceptions of hurt (usually coming from one of my teenage children or extended family) She blindsides me with these during work or when I get home and am exhausted. I'm accused of not caring about her feelings because I don't buy in to the dram. She's cried wolf so many times with imagined "wrongs" that I can't decipher the legit ones from the fake ones.  End result, I'm an insensitive jerk.

[once removed]

im not sure it will help to see your wife as crying wolf. thats a sign of a breakdown in your trust of her.

generally speaking, her concerns are all very real to her, and/or they are overexpressed and over the top, but still very real for her.

largely, our partners need a little extra hand holding, and what tends to satisfy the most is listening with empathy (https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy) and making them feel heard, that there concerns matter to us, as opposed to shutting them out or dismissing them, which breaks things down on both sides.

is it a good sign that your wife wants to start marriage counseling? yes and no. its a good sign that she wants to make it work and get on the same page. its also an indication that she feels thats not the case, and does not feel heard.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi cx4nt,

TO make sure I'm understanding you correctly, it sounds like you are trying to detach yourself from your W's emotions correct? So when she comes to you with something dramatic, it sounds like you might be dismissing her feelings.

I'd like to second what once removed has said about listening with empathy. It's easy for us to get frustrated, tired, and annoyed at listening to the next big emotion that our pwBPD has. It's important that we listen though. I"ve learned that I don't have to accept the reality of my H's feelings, but I do have to acknowledge them, show him I care and am listening, and usually that helps him process the emotions better. What do you think you could do to show her that even if you disagree with her that you validate her feelings?