My BPD bf is having a mid life crisis, or a BPD episode

[juju2]

My BPD bf is acting unusual.  We separated in march after 10 years, our relationship was bad.  I thought the separation was our last chance. We saw eachother regulsrly for 7 months, and now the last 3 weeks, he is dating others and we are nc. He is willing to go to couples counseling.  We are going tuesday.  I dont know what to do, if there is a future.  He focuses on how much he needs to heal before we could think about being together.  It seems he has really changed in 3 weeks, we would spend time together, now nothing.  I am very depressed and sad about this situation

He has been diagnosed for over 10 years, he told me when we first met, that he had BPD.  I never really researched it because he was under good control mostly.  He works a 12 step program and mentors men.
I see now that knowing more about BPD would have been useful throughout our relationship.

What i am left with, is it may be too late.  He acts as of he has moved on... dating other women, to find out what makes him happy... .and then again, i dont know the future.

I do know he is under economic stress and he told me before, any stress makes his diagnosis worse.

Thank you for words of wisdom, i appreciate the support.  juju

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

Hey,

I can imagine how painful it is to have him dating other people when you still love him, you must be torn and not knowing where to go. Some minute you'll ask yourself to forget him and move on, and the next you'll think "but what if... .?" And you feel you can't do anything to know what's best or to change the situation. This is a very hard moment and you need to put enphasis in taking care of yourself. I know, I've heard it myself a thousand times and I didn't know how to do that either.

Did you finaly go to couple's counseling?

In my experience, people with BPD have a feeling that everything is lost already. So they often have risky behavior without thinking about consecuences, because "they might be dead tomorrow", and they wouldn't care much about that. They silence all the crippling worries in their head and they go and do something extreme. Or at least something that can take their minds off their problems. Dating new people has that effect, although it can leave you with a worse sense of self-worth later. You are right about the economic stress, it can be absolutely unbearable to him. When you are overewhelmed with worry, something that takes your mind off it, can be easily mistaken for something that makes you happy.

We the people who love pwBPD (again in my limited knowledge) have to experience loss a lot, they detach from us, and the more we fight it, the farther they go. So we get used to letting them go, focusing in ourselves for a while and then bringing them back when "they are themselves again". Fortunately, it doesn't mean a long break up, cheating, moving out... .For many of us. But there are different versions and levels of this need for getting away. In the end, we are witnesses to their shame, their disorder, their guilt... .We are a personification of their concience, and some days they can't stand to look at us, because we remind them of all their flaws, and limits.

Many people in this forum learn about BPD after the relationship, and it serves them to heal by making sense of what happened to them. You know him for 10 years, I think you'll know better than anyone, but you are also so emotionally invested that you'd also feel more insecure than anyone. Be good to yourself and allow yourself to feel what you need to feel. We toughen up, and we don't talk about it much, but a breakup and the insecurity you are experiencing is a life altering event. I'd say, worse than the loss of a family member. I wish you a happy ending, where you come up from this stronger and wiser.

Again, take care.

[juju2]

Hi,

We went to couples counseling last evening, it went way better than i thought it would.  Am trying not to get any expectations.  Appreciate the support i find here.

He had asked that we go nc for a week and a half, and almost every day he is contacting me.  It is fine, i am glad, but at the same time guarded.  he is wanting to come over to get something, and each time i make sure am not here, because usually , lately, it hasnt gone well.  Oh well.  There is much to be revealed, and i dont know what the future holds.

Thank you,  j

[Lady Itone]

Sorry you're feeling bad. I think though it doesn't matter why he's doing what he's doing, BPD or midlife crises or he just doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore. What's important is that you let him go. Concentrate on you, take the focus away from him and work on making yourself feel safe, supported and happy. If he decides to come back into your life, you can look at him from a more detached place and decide if you want to move forward.

[juju2]

So, we are in counseling, couples counseling, and he told the counselor he is open to see if the relationship will be able to work.  He told her he has BPD, he was very honest.  So i am going to go thru the counseling too. 

If i could just let him go i would have.

[juju2]

Hi, today am just numb, i dont know what is going to happen, and i have to be ok with that.  We have nc until Wednesday, when we are to meet up and talk.  This will be the 2nd time we have done this, during this cycle.  After 10 years in this telationship, i am just being patient, trying to have no expectations.  In the big picture, over 10 years, these few weeks of hell are a small percentage.  Thank you for listening.  J

[JoeBPD81]

Hang in there. You are doing the best you can do. We are here listening.

[juju2]

Have many in BPD relationships go thru something similar, as what i am going thru.  My BPD is very functional, and not on meds, but sees a psychiatrist.  He told me when we met he has BPD.  He said when he is under stress it gets worse.i know he is under financial stress.

He has been honest with me.  Guess i need to focus on the positive.  Its very hard right now and i feel lost.  Thank you, j

[JoeBPD81]

Sadly, yes, many people in these relationships go through breakups, periods of no contact... .

Some only "act out" after a stresful event, and they surprise us after 10, or 25 years of marriage!

If you take the time to read around, you'll find other people in similar situations. It is a good practice to support others too. Knowing that someone "gets it", that you are not alone, and that you are heard, means a lot to all of us. Many times in thinking about the advice you would give to others, a lightbulb goes on and you find some answer to your own problem.

I know you can't do much to fix your situation with him, and it must feel awful. I wish I could give you a magic solution. We need to be patient and find little things everyday that can make our life worth living. We can't be happy next week, we can only be happy each day, today.

What can you do today to feel better?

[juju2]

Today i am in overwhelm that my relationship is most likely gone.  We were supposed to go together to a conference in dec that we always go to, and he hasnt given me the dates for the hotel
.there is nothing specific, it just feels gut level that he is gone to greener pastures.  Our next couples counseling is next tuesday.  I dont know why he gors, he is dating others, sleeping with others, and him and i have spent no time together for a month.

[JoeBPD81]

I'm sorry you are suffering.
When I broke things with my ex wife, it took some time. And all that time I felt I had no right to keep her waiting and without a resolution. So first I tried to come back before I was sure, and it was a disaster. Then, one of the things that pressured me the most was not making the suffering of not knowing longer, so I said no. And I left. I want sure, but I couldn't take hurting her longer. Time asured me it was the right decision, and I haven't looked back. But I couldn't know then.

Even as it was me who ended, it was heart breaking everyday, learning to live again without "my other half", I know how lonely and desperate one can be.

At the beginning of our Rs, she wasn't sure and she dated other people. I waited, and she came back and married me. You never know how much waiting is too long. Dating other people doesn't necessarily mean he is moving on, but I know it hurts hugely.

No body knows how this is going to end. Not him, at all. And it sucks. Whatever the future holds, we can only live through it. And try to suffer the least that we can while we wait. Do you have other sources of support? Are you seeing friends and family?

[juju2]

So last nite was another counseling visit, couple counseling, and the therapist wanted to know what each person was looking to get out of counseling, as of the present moment.  He said friendship.

I said more than that.  The therapist then said that the baseline would be friendship.  

Before all of this, walking in to the meeting, he asked me if we were still going to the recovery function together in 2 weeks,6 hour drive, each way, friday-monday, same room, we had registered in like march.so now i am confused.  He still said he isnt seeing anyone exclusive.

Does any of this make sense?  Thank you, J

[juju2]

thank you everyone for your experience, strength and hope.  This upcoming weekend, fri-monday my pwBPD and i are going to a recovery weekend, there will be lots of time together, its a 6 hour drive each way.  He got a room w king size bed.  :)oes anyone know what may be going on?  For several weeks i kept asking him when the dates were, and he kept saying i dont know.  He asked me to go with him before our 2nd counseling meeting, as we were walking in to the session.  I am confused.  Any input will be appreciated... thank you, J

[JoeBPD81]

Hi, J,

I thought I had replied to your previous post. No wonder you are confused and anxious.

I can't get his intentions or goals here. I can imagine how vulnerable you are feeling. What I would do is to observe the way there and the trip, let things roll... .And then on your way back, have the talk. Let him know what you want and what you are willing to do and what you aren't. If you have the talk in your way there, it can be a very long trip if things go wrong.

This summer I traveled with my SO and I was told before driving that we weren't going, and that we were toxic for each other. It looked really bad, and then the trip was great. We bonded closer, and we started a good phase. You never know.

Think about what you want, and have it ready for the moment when you have to put your cards on the table.

I wish I could tell you more, I just can wish you the best of luck.

[juju2]

So we are 2 days in to our 4 day weekend together.
He has been attentive and kind, not much personal contact or touching, i have been reserved and not insisting on anything, putting no expectations on him or our relationship.      We have a friend at the same conference, when i caught up w him, he said how sad he was to hear what is going on w me and my pwBPD.   That scared me, cause i dont know what he was told to make our friend react so badly   ?  I am scared, if someone could give me strength...  thank you, J

[JoeBPD81]

Hi there,

If he's telling friends about it, it means that he is worried and the relationship is important to him. Did the friend tell you anything else?

Be strong, I know it is hard not to explode, to press, to scream, to demand and to acuse.

Are you planning on talking to him on the way back? I didn't mean that you must, I only meant that you shouldn't do it at the beginning of the trip.

I'm sorry you are going through this, all the "not-knowing" I know it's draining. I hope you get to a better place soon.

[juju2]

My friend here says that all he said was" J and i broke up"  he says that is all that was said... . he also said he doesnt know if there is hope or not, because he doesnt know much about our situation.  I asked him if he would pray for us and he said yes.

One thing i noticed this weekend, my pwBPD is acting possessive towards me, he will ask, where are you going, etc.  Its a 1000 person conference and i have been socializing, talking to people, having a good time, smiling.  My friend back home told me, be happy and joyful.  :)ont be down in the dumps on this trip one bit, dont be needy, and have taken that to heart !  Thank you, J

Ps  the first morning here, he called me baby
  I havent heard that fm him in years!

[juju2]

Help.

The first day back, tues at 5am, he asks me to keep our dog another nite.  That only means he is spending the nite somewhere other than his house.

I am really stuck and messed up.  we are supposed to go to counseling tues 5pm and i dont know how much more i can take

Bless you all

[JoeBPD81]

How are you holding up, J?

I'm sorry I've been out with health problems. Did you go to this couples counseling?

Hang in there, you deserve to be happy and to have peace.

[juju2]

Maybe if you have time, you could read my prev posts.  Main thing is, on the way in to 2nd counseling mtg, he asked me if i could go to the tecovery weekend w him, his hotel rm, one bed.
Then, in the actual counseling mtg, he says he wants to be friends only.

Why would he invite me for a 4 day trip together?

I keep getting mixed messages, it looks like.

Trip was more than friends, a lot more, not sexual tho.

Thank you, J

[JoeBPD81]

Hi J,

I did read your posts. The situation is very confusing, it's not you. That's why I can't offer a different perspective from the outside, I would be as lost and not knowing how much I could take, same as you.

I can only wish you the best, and listen. I know it's not much.

What does the therapist say?

[juju2]

Hi, thank you for reading my posts.

All the counselor said, was for us to meet up somewhere for coffee once a wk.we have not done that yet, and we did spend a lot of time together last weekend.

he has been only texting me, and that is empty for me, want to try what the counselor suggested, and yesterday, texted him that I might like to possibly try what the counselor suggested... .  no commands, that doesnt work... .anyway, this whole journey now is frustrating.    It feels like the relationship is lost... .i have no hope at this point, and am trying to work thru this.

The counselor suggested I meet w her today alone, I go at 2.

bless you all, you all make the difference.  J

[Meili]

  J,

Something that many have found to be extremely helpful is to meet him at his emotional level of involvement. If all that he wants right now is a casual level of friendship, and you're OK with giving him that, then meet him at that level.

If you're not willing to accept that, then we need to be having a different discussion.

When people are working at two different emotional involvement levels, it creates a lot of stress, anxiety, and frustration. Expectations are unwittingly developed. We feel let down, hurt, and confused when the other person doesn't meet those expectations.

As hard as it may be for you right now, you're going to have to allow him to guide that part of things. If you don't, you risk pushing him away even further.

While his is working through that side of things, you will have more time available to figure out your role in all of this. We all have room to learn and grow, so make use of this time. If you think of it as a gift, and take advantage of the gift, it takes a great deal of the sting away.

[juju2]

Thank you, i feel that it is whats needed.  And distance, space.  Maybe its possible he may miss me... .

the counselor believes anythything is possible, and she also says it is a process.  That is comforting to me, it makes sense.  That way, am not living into someone else's reality... .

the last thing i want, is for someone else to say what should and should not be... .

Thank you for your support , means a lot! j

[Meili]

I agree with your counselor, anything is possible and that progress can be seen. You've gone from NC to texting if nothing else.

One of the things about these relationships is that the lows are as strong as the highs. They take just as long to swing back to neutral from the lows as they do the highs; sometimes longer. Finding some way to be calm and patient through the process will serve you well.

Have you read The Do's and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship? It talks about, among other things, having realistic expectations.

[juju2]

No, i havent read that.

Even if it is so bad he is sleeping dating other women?

i never thought i would be able to handle that.  just for  today.

Thank you

[Meili]

When I was faced with that, I had to decide if I wanted something like that in my life.  She still wanted to be friends to see if we could have a relationship again.  I couldn't be het friend in that situatuon.

I didn't give her a choice or ultimatum, I allowed her to make her choice and I made mine.

[juju2]

We are in couples counseling, and with the information about him and other women, our counselor said the most we can do is meet 1x a week for coffee at a neutral place, like McDonald's, and she told me today, that she is afraid there is no hope  for us.  I told her its ok, because I am mot relying on her for anything but being the best therapist she can be.  Today that is where I am.

Thank you for your support!  j

[juju2]

Went to counselor by myself yesterday.  She told me, I have no hope for this relationship, bec of what she has heard fm him in counseling, body language, BPD.  She says he is just using me, I have a lot of his stuff in my house, yard.  He is using me for free storage.    Somehow, I dont believe her, I have known him now over 10 years.

All I could say was, am not relying on you for hope, please do your job, and thank you for sharing w me.

 Now am worse than ever, if anyone could share,

Sincerely
j.

[JoeBPD81]

I bet it was a pretty hard blow. I'm sorry. I remember when my therapist told me that my ex wife was abusive and never respected me and that I would be crazy if I tried to fix things with her. I thought therapist didn't take sides... .

I cried like a baby for hours and wandered in the streets not able to do anything or to decide where to go. One part of me was relieved that I wasn't making things up, that the abuse was real. But some other part didn't want it to be real and wanted a possibility that things were fixable. The T told me: you could still love her forever, a lot, but just know you can't live with her.

There is still, as you said, a part that says "this person doesn't know her/him like I do". But then, our level of confusion during these times, it doesn't let us think straight and use that information we know. So you have to take what you know, what people who love you say, what people far from the action think, what a professional says... .And try to make sense of all. And you are doing it in your weakest moment, so it's nothing easy.

Do you think he knows how much he is making you suffer? Do you think that responsibility might push him away further? Do you feel pressured to make a decision? Is it posible to decide to accept it is over but that you would give him another chance in the future, in your terms?

If you can work on yourself and go on with your life, first it will be very hard, and you won't believe you could be motivated to be happy again. But life does go on, and one day you realize you are not a crying mess anymore. Along the way you can realize you don't need him, or even anybody, or you can meet someone... .The worse that can happen is that you go back to feeling like you do now. If during this he begs you to take him back, you'll be able to think about it from a new position of strength, not neediness, not custom or attachment. You need to find yourself again as an individual, not half a couple, and then decide as an individual what you do want.

I was with my ex 16 years, all my adult life. She had been my first and only girlfriend. So of course I thought it would be forever, and I couldn't picture my life without her. 4 years later I still feel lost some days, and wonder "what did I do?" I used to make sense of life as half of a team. Now I think about it as a new life. A different one. Things were kind of predictable before, and I could have lived that 40 more years, but I've been given the chance to live another life in my time. I lived that one, and now I'm living another life. I can't compare the two lives, all I know for sure is that I know myself better.

If you are meant to be together, it will happen even if you try to focus on yourself for a while. That's what I can say to you. I hope it makes sense.