Silent treatment while trying to co-parent at eight months pregnant, what a mess

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Hello everyone, thank goodness for this online community. It’s been a while since I posted and things have moved on a lot. I refused to move in with my ex, which would have meant moving my six year old’s school and home away from her father (previous relationship), leaving my support base of family and friends and being isolated, with an unstable, scary man in ‘his house’. I’m very glad I didn’t move. We have a son who is now nearly two and things had been improving a tiny bit. My ex seems to have a particularly hard time with pregnancy and newborn days so as his son has grown and become more interactive (and offering unconditional love like no-one else) he has calmed down a bit. We have always been on a yo yo of emotions though and it’s been a tough couple of years.

What really hasn’t helped is that in a very stupid moment I got pregnant again by him and now I am eight months pregnant with his daughter. It seems totally idiotic and happened in a particularly intense and it feels calculated love-bombing exercise and of course I fell for it. The positive is that I am glad my son will have a sibling to share the burden of his father with and hopefully they will be able to support each other as they grow up. My ex has already made derogatory comments about girls not mattering, which doesn’t surprise me. He certainly hasn’t cared about me or been interested in his daughter since my pregnancy began. A few months ago I was proactive and took out a Child Arrangements Order for our son, which states he lives with me and that my ex can see him three days a week. He was free to set the days around his work (though of course he was very angry about the fact we went to court, the date, the days he chose ‘because he was rushed’, the wording of the order, etc etc etc it’s all my fault and reasons to hate me). His part time job only lasted six weeks anyway, probably the longest job he’s had since we met.

Anyhow, we were managing the contact relatively well but last week he exploded yet again and his behaviour was thoroughly unacceptable. He is now refusing to speak to me at all and requests that all contact be made through his mother, who is now acting as go-between and host for the contact days. I must sit mutely in the car while they playin her house and the general pattern is that he takes our son into town for an unspecified length of time, usually without taking his phone. He knows this makes me deeply uneasy, particularly with all the hormones of late pregnancy, and it feels very much as though he is using our son as therapy, not seeing him as a real child with needs at all. Our son loves playing with him and is sad to be parted, which upsets me too. So I am trying to do the right thing and let them play together and keep myself together on the moral high ground. It’s really hard. I’m just very glad that he hasn’t tried to drive off with him lately as that really scares me but it’s only a matter of time til he does.

Anyway, I just wanted to get this all out and I wonder if there’s any other safeguarding I can put in place? I agreed to unsupervised contact at court because at the time we were getting on relatively well (I see now he was on his best behaviour for court) and because I was aware that with a newborn in the mix, organising supervised contact would be more difficult.  I feel so constantly uneasy and it seems so unnecessary to be not allowed to speak when all I want to do is ask him to take a coat for our son, take a spare nappy, let him know how tired he might be or if he’s feeling poorly. I get that I am being subjected to the silent punishment and that anything I say is taken as a poor judgement of his parenting, but I am simply anxious for our son and think that as a mother that ought to be ok. In the past he has told me that he wishes his mum had been more like me and blames her for all his troubles. She can still be thoughtless, rash and selfish. He smokes a lot of weed and comes out with some incredible statements. He has said for instance that the only way he will ever speak to me directly again is if I list each one of my lies and apologise for them. I haven’t lied, I have put up with a great deal of crazy making behaviour, twisting and distortion so that most of the time I have no idea which was is up. The silence is a relief to be honest but it’s not formula for the future and I am due to birth his second child soon, I can’t even ask him if he’s interested in knowing about it / having an involvement.

I am sick of the whole situation and can’t wait to be free of this mess, I hope things will ease a bit as the kids get older and maybe he’ll move on to a new victim  thanks for reading, have felt so low and writing this out has helped.

[agapanthus]

Hello everyone, thank goodness for this online community. It’s been a while since I posted and things have moved on a lot. I refused to move in with my ex, which would have meant moving my six year old’s school and home away from her father (previous relationship), leaving my support base of family and friends and being isolated, with an unstable, scary man in ‘his house’. I’m very glad I didn’t move. We have a son who is now nearly two and things had been improving a tiny bit. My ex seems to have a particularly hard time with pregnancy and newborn days so as his son has grown and become more interactive (and offering unconditional love like no-one else) he has calmed down a bit. We have always been on a yo yo of emotions though and it’s been a tough couple of years.

What really hasn’t helped is that in a very stupid moment I got pregnant again by him and now I am eight months pregnant with his daughter. It seems totally idiotic and happened in a particularly intense and it feels calculated love-bombing exercise and of course I fell for it. The positive is that I am glad my son will have a sibling to share the burden of his father with and hopefully they will be able to support each other as they grow up. My ex has already made derogatory comments about girls not mattering, which doesn’t surprise me. He certainly hasn’t cared about me or been interested in his daughter since my pregnancy began. A few months ago I was proactive and took out a Child Arrangements Order for our son, which states he lives with me and that my ex can see him three days a week. He was free to set the days around his work (though of course he was very angry about the fact we went to court, the date, the days he chose ‘because he was rushed’, the wording of the order, etc etc etc it’s all my fault and reasons to hate me). His part time job only lasted six weeks anyway, probably the longest job he’s had since we met.

Anyhow, we were managing the contact relatively well but last week he exploded yet again and his behaviour was thoroughly unacceptable. He is now refusing to speak to me at all and requests that all contact be made through his mother, who is now acting as go-between and host for the contact days. I must sit mutely in the car while they playin her house and the general pattern is that he takes our son into town for an unspecified length of time, usually without taking his phone. He knows this makes me deeply uneasy, particularly with all the hormones of late pregnancy, and it feels very much as though he is using our son as therapy, not seeing him as a real child with needs at all. Our son loves playing with him and is sad to be parted, which upsets me too. So I am trying to do the right thing and let them play together and keep myself together on the moral high ground. It’s really hard. I’m just very glad that he hasn’t tried to drive off with him lately as that really scares me but it’s only a matter of time til he does.

Anyway, I just wanted to get this all out and I wonder if there’s any other safeguarding I can put in place? I agreed to unsupervised contact at court because at the time we were getting on relatively well (I see now he was on his best behaviour for court) and because I was aware that with a newborn in the mix, organising supervised contact would be more difficult.  I feel so constantly uneasy and it seems so unnecessary to be not allowed to speak when all I want to do is ask him to take a coat for our son, take a spare nappy, let him know how tired he might be or if he’s feeling poorly. I get that I am being subjected to the silent punishment and that anything I say is taken as a poor judgement of his parenting, but I am simply anxious for our son and think that as a mother that ought to be ok. In the past he has told me that he wishes his mum had been more like me and blames her for all his troubles. She can still be thoughtless, rash and selfish. He smokes a lot of weed and comes out with some incredible statements. He has said for instance that the only way he will ever speak to me directly again is if I list each one of my lies and apologise for them. I haven’t lied, I have put up with a great deal of crazy making behaviour, twisting and distortion so that most of the time I have no idea which was is up. The silence is a relief to be honest but it’s not formula for the future and I am due to birth his second child soon, I can’t even ask him if he’s interested in knowing about it / having an involvement.

I am sick of the whole situation and can’t wait to be free of this mess, I hope things will ease a bit as the kids get older and maybe he’ll move on to a new victim  thanks for reading, have felt so low and writing this out has helped.

[ForeverDad]

There are a number of life situations that are particularly difficult and triggering for people with BPD (pwBPD).  Pregnancy and birth a just two of them.  There are also weddings, funerals, birthdays, vacations, packing for vacations, visiting relatives, sunny days, rainy days, etc.

If he is your ex then it would be good to get a similar Child Arrangements Order.  Of course, a newborn shouldn't have long visitations, but in exchange there can be more visits.  Many standard orders note that children under three years of age can have shorter but more frequent visits with the non-primary parent.

If you have concerns about his behavior patterns then be sure to mention those concerns in court.  Be sure to bring with you a journal or log listing incidents and the details.  Saying "he always... ." is far too vague.  Court pays attention to details and specifics.  Maybe too you can revisit the order already granted for the older child so it addresses your subsequent concerns.

[Mutt]

Hi agapanthus,

ForeverDad is right BPD behaviours are more prominent when a pwBPD are under stress. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I can understand that it would be stressful that he's not following the Child Arrangements Order, did you talk to your L about this? I'd also like to echo ForeverDad keep a journal and write everything down just in case that you need for court later. Do you have arrangements in your order that outlines the length of time for each visit? I'd be really upset if my ex didn't take her phone or didn't give me a specific time frame.