I came home and our TV was smashed

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi,

Things have been okay for the last few weeks (my uBPDh and I have recently temporarily moved in with my parents who are aware of his issues  and this has been good for him in some ways) but yesterday it became clear that a holiday that he has been set on isn’t going to be feasible, at least not the way he planned, which has started a downward spiral. I was handling it okay as it wasn’t triggered by an argument between us and had a T session today so had worked through some of the feelings I was having about it, so relatively okay (although obviously still not great). So I come home, as usual not sure what I’m coming home to, and he was asleep. And our TV has been smashed. And I suddenly feel overloaded. This isn’t the first time - several months ago he smashed the tv my parents had given me as a birthday gift, which I have since replaced out of my own pocket. To my knowledge both of these incidents have been accidental (though I haven’t been in the house either time) and have been when he was very drunk and depressed. The first time I forgave him pretty much right away because he felt incredibly guilty but now that it has happened again I feel like something inside me has snapped. I’m unsure how to react to this - at the moment I’m just staying away from him as I can’t deal with it just now and he’s blind drunk anyway so this would not be a productive conversation. But I’m just angry and so frustrated that I can’t live in a safe place where my things are not going to be destroyed and I don’t know how I can keep doing this. Mostly I’m just not sure what I’m going to say to him once things have calmed down enough to discuss it, I’d really appreciate everyone else’s take on this.

[moonrise]

Hi,

Things have been okay for the last few weeks (my uBPDh and I have recently temporarily moved in with my parents who are aware of his issues  and this has been good for him in some ways) but yesterday it became clear that a holiday that he has been set on isn’t going to be feasible, at least not the way he planned, which has started a downward spiral. I was handling it okay as it wasn’t triggered by an argument between us and had a T session today so had worked through some of the feelings I was having about it, so relatively okay (although obviously still not great). So I come home, as usual not sure what I’m coming home to, and he was asleep. And our TV has been smashed. And I suddenly feel overloaded. This isn’t the first time - several months ago he smashed the tv my parents had given me as a birthday gift, which I have since replaced out of my own pocket. To my knowledge both of these incidents have been accidental (though I haven’t been in the house either time) and have been when he was very drunk and depressed. The first time I forgave him pretty much right away because he felt incredibly guilty but now that it has happened again I feel like something inside me has snapped. I’m unsure how to react to this - at the moment I’m just staying away from him as I can’t deal with it just now and he’s blind drunk anyway so this would not be a productive conversation. But I’m just angry and so frustrated that I can’t live in a safe place where my things are not going to be destroyed and I don’t know how I can keep doing this. Mostly I’m just not sure what I’m going to say to him once things have calmed down enough to discuss it, I’d really appreciate everyone else’s take on this.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[AskingWhy]

moonrise, breaking things (belonging to the couple or the spouse of the pwBPD) is very common in pwBPD.  Their free-floating rage eventually comes out.

My uBPD/uNPD H has broken glassware, plasticware, my eyeglass cases and punched several holes in the walls around the house.  My H really resents his NPD father and his enabler mother, and the uNPD ex wife who cheated on him and took the children across the country after she divorced him.

The pwBPD is projecting their rage onto inanimate objects.  It's wrong, pure and simple.  Whether or not the things are his or yours--or anyone else's--he is expressing the notion that he does have the ability to punch us in the face.  It's a form of domestic violence and intimidation and control.  Google this.

Some say it's a safe way of "letting off steam" but it still conveys the impression that he wants to hit you.  At  the very least, it scares you.

The dynamic is a toddler having a tantrum.  It's all that rage coming up from something in your H's childhood.

You may be angry at having your things broken.  Sadly, abusive people think only they have the right to anger, and will try to use the anger of the non against them.  You have every right to be angry.

Moreover, the pwBPD will use your anger over his actions as a way of making you look like the crazy one.

My tactic is to NOT respond to the rages.  If my H makes a mess by breaking things, I let him clean the mess.  My only concern is for the pets and grandchildren, who I make sure are safe from broken glass or plastic.  I say nothing and stay calm.  If H leaves the house in a rage, I leave the mess just where it is.  Again, safety for those in the house, but I will not take responsibility for any damage for his rages.

All said, each marriage is different and each case requires different responses.

[StormySkies]

My H breaks things too.   Only when I'm there though,  it's very frightening to be sure.

  I only clean up the broken glass,  the rest I leave for him.   I have noticed that he is selective about what he breaks even if it appears he is out of control.

[Circle]

 That is intense.
Understandable that you would be feeling frustrated about not being able to live somewhere safe, where you stuff is not going to be wrecked.
Would saying anything help out anyway?
Or, figuring out what to say?
If you are going to stay in the situation, is it realistic to buy another television?
I may get a tablet that I could take with me, and let him sort out his own viewing arrangement, in that situation.
Hang in there, sounds frustrating. Great that you have the clarity to post clearly and seek feedback here and with T. You are working your way through this.