I was dumb and went to his house to speak to him, but he wasn’t home.

[Calmcollected]

My problem is he’s disregulated right now, from 2 outside sources. He a contractor and women hit on him all the time. One sent him messages I was sleeping with her husband, not true, 3 days of disregulation, we turned a corner and another former friend, who I find out later is a drug addict, went through $450,000 from the sale of her house & spent it on coke and heroin. She’s moved in at the age of 50 with her parents. The rest of her family including her children have gone no contact and she saw him yesterday, when he went for a quote that I set up. She told him a bunch of things and the troubles we had I had told her in confidence over the last three years and now he has majorly disregulated. She blocked me on Facebook after knowing her 15 years. I spoke to her sister and she said she’s a narcissist and has other personality disorders. I run the office portion of his business and often help by getting supplies and checking his sites for him. Yesterday ended by him saying this. “stop messaging me   your words are all lies and i m done listening. I gave you a chance to tell the truth... .you insist on lying so I'm done talking to you... .I don't care what she did or is doing“
I had talked to him for a minute after before he jumped in his truck and drove off.
I was dumb and went to his house to speak to him, but he wasn’t home. I waited for 5 minutes outside in my vehicle and left, but his son let him know I had gone there. Of course I did the opposite and sent him 6 texts afterwards.
This latest thing will take a long time to disregulate from. I sent this message. I like the happiness instead of I love you part. Someone please let me know what you think. His biggest thing is privacy and he doesn’t like people knowing about his life. This “friend” just made us go back 20 steps.
Here is what I sent him this morning. “I understand that you are really angry with me. I'm giving you some space until you're ready to talk, you're happiness is important to me. I realized going out to talk to you & sending you all those texts was not giving you the space you needed. I'm going to be at the shop today. I have a lot of funeral orders and the tax papers to get to the accountant. Let me know if you need help today. I'm here for you.”

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Calmcollected]

And do I just leave it now and not contact him, or tomorrow let him know what I’m doing and let me know if he needs help? I run his business Facebook page, his emails and answer all his incoming calls. This is really hard.

[Skip]

Don't chase.

A common reaction is to chase and it often prolongs these things and deepens the "hole".

From his perspective, where do things stand on these two issues.

the third party accusation of infidelity the third party telling him you were talking about his issues to her

Where are you with his business? Can you function or are you unable to function under the current circumstances?

Let's start with this to come up with a "do and don't" list if things for you.

Stay strong. Stay cool.

[isilme]

And do I just leave it now and not contact him, or tomorrow let him know what I’m doing and let me know if he needs help? I run his business Facebook page, his emails and answer all his incoming calls. This is really hard.

Yes to the first part.  Leave it.  You cannot justify, argue, defend or explain this away in his eyes, so don't' expend the energy trying. 

As for the business, communicate only if necessary, do not add any personal touches.  Forward him things like "Bob Smith wants a quote for a new front porch, he asked about it on facebook.  Here's his contact info."  "Jane Doe called at 11 AM asking about that thing you're installing.  She wants you to call her back."  Just keep it business, with null emotional content.  His circuits are overloaded.  We turn off appliances when this happens in a house, to decrease the drain on the grid when it reactivates.  Chasing and pursuing is like turning on the washing machine and trying to reset a flipped breaker.  Turning everything off and slowly turning things back on works better.  He needs space and time for his breaker to reset - don't turn on the washing machine in the mean time. 

If he won't respond to the bsuienss texts, will his son assist?

[Calmcollected]

Okay. I have been messaging him business stuff with no response. His kids are poison. His 33 year old is into illegal stuff, hates me. His youngest is now estranged. His daughter hates me and his ex wife messaged me last night out of the blue and said this. Keep in mind, I have never had drama in my life. I was raised by a Mennonite father and a Dr.’s daughter. She’s an alcoholic and prescription drug abuser. I had a run in with her two years ago where she was keeping me in a driveway and the person she was with tried to get into my truck.
“You really need to back off... .leave my kids out of your situation... .you have caused enough trouble over the years starting with hittng my truck and trying to push it on the road... .you were warned by the cops that day that you could have been charged... .I have heard time and time again how you have cut down my kids myself and my  husband... .you have your own husband to think about or did you forget about that lmfao”
This was my response “I'm not quite sure what you're talking about. I haven't been around anyone since January. I wasn't charged because I didn't "ram" your vehicle like they were told. I've been legally separated for three years, just settling my divorce. I'm going to be fine

[Calmcollected]

There is more, but it’s just drama filled craziness and I blocked her after she tried to call me.

[isilme]

Ok, so the kids can't be good intermediaries for his business calls. 

I'd be temtped to just tell clients to call him directly.  Tell them any reason you want, but remove yourself from that role - why are you in it?  He apprernlty has a phone if you can text him, so why do you answer the business calls?

I recommend as much distance as you can stand for a little bit - it sounds like he is surrounded by a lot of bad influences, and sadly, if he's painted you black, and others are providing him with paint, there's not mcuh you can do.  Your input has been negated and diminished before you even came itno this particular conversation. 

How are you?

[Calmcollected]

He lives about 30 minutes out of town. His phone often doesn’t work for calls, and it takes time for texts to go through. At one end of his house no bars, at the other 2 bars. He doesn’t have a computer, I’ve always used mine. I’m far more technologically advanced than he is. I did what you said and sent him a text letting him know I told the client to contact him directly. I’m concentrating on my own business and I’m going to get it back to number 1 again. It’s what I did after my children died 12 years ago. Threw myself into work.

[Calmcollected]

He got another inquiry today for a fence. I sent him a screen shot of the message and asked if he wanted an appointment set up. No response.

[isilme]

In my opinion, you are doing more than could be expected given how things have gone and how they currently stand. 

If he is painting you black and pushing you away, you can't be expected to remain his receptionist indefinitely.  He needs a solution for adulting and running his business that does not hinge on making you beholden to help him, especially if he's ceased communication.  Is there a public library in town he can use, and establish his own contact information?  He'd have to commit to checking it at least once a week, but that's what happens when you have a business and rely on it for your livelihood. 

Seriously, (I'm sorry this is morbid, but locally some things have happened and it's on my mind right now) what if you unexpectedly died?  Let's just take all things off the table that deal with emotions and disordered thinking and whatnot, and let's think about what would happen if you were in a car accident and could no longer "secretary" for him?  Would he just not have a business/no income?  Or would he have to cope and adapt?

Keeping you on the string like this is not fair at all.  If he's not talking to you, but likely expects you to keep up with what he's used to you doing for him - that's really not right.  If you are not really seeing each other, if you are just remaining friends and you are trying to be supportive of him, that's great on you, and you can do it as long as you feel at least some of it is reciprocated enough to feel like still doing it.  But this can't go on forever.  Do you have a timeline for when this becomes ridiculous and you can just tell him,? 

[Calmcollected]

I'll give him to the end of next week. If I don't hear from him, his payroll from his staff usually gets sent to me on Monday, I'll let him know everything is ceasing and I will shut it down. I know he's dysregulating bad, but this time seems different. I have my own business to focus on now. My sales jumped 100% today because I was able to get my business to the top of the google listings. He needs to do this now. I am not holding his hand anymore. When we had an episode before, he wasn't having a lot of work, but this is his bread and butter time and he will be destitute if he doesn't step up to the plate. I had a small anxiety attack today, nothing extreme, but it started when sad music came on, so I changed the station. At this point, he is just using me. I know it, everyone else knows it.
I just put his email and facebook page on auto responder, took my address and phone numbers off of everything. I have all his invoices from this year. I will let him pay me for them. There is a lot and my ink cartridge is $200.00. I will cease all contact with him now. Last time this happened in January, he started contact again because he found out a former client had asked me out and was jealous.

[Calmcollected]

I sent him a text this morning saying
"good morning, I put your facebook messenger and email on autoresponder saying to call or text you to get ahold of you so you don't lose any jobs. Have a good week-end."
I left it at that.

[Calmcollected]

So, I spoke to a friend who also has BPD, and asked her advice. She also knows my BPDbf. She said to keep it light, but let him know I still care. Today we were cleaning out my truck to get ready for the season of my business. (Keep in mind I was wearing sorrel boots last week because we still had snow, this week I’m
Wearing flip flops. Work truck doesn’t get cleaned out until it’s warm. I have this thing for sunglasses, I have around ten pairs at least and leave them everywhere.
BPDbf likes to smear food things on the insides of the lens, so I don’t realize until I put them on. I guess he had done it to a pair that had fallen under the seat. My staff member brings it in and says “I found these, there’s something weird on them” I laughed so hard. So I haven’t messaged in two days. I sent him this “Hey boo boo, don’t forget cheque for blah blah business stuff blah blah. Have a good day tomorrow. I had a busy day today. We cleaned out the truck to get organized for this season. “Staff member “ found my sunglasses and look what was all over them. I love you crabapple.” I call him Crabapple when he’s cranky and he snaps out of it.
I sent a photo of my sunglasses.
Immediately I get a response. Little stuff happening in the neighbourhood and what happened on a big job this week.
Baby steps.