Exhausted

[SuperVillian]

I'm at my emotional wits end and I really don't know how much more I can take. On top of that, dBPDw and I are pretty sure s6 is showing signs of BPD. That's something I know I can't handle right now.

The Story:

Last week, my dBPDw was having a major depressive phase. Apparently I'm a big part of that but refuses to talk about it, because I get defensive. Admittingly, there's some truth to that, but the broader answer is she doesn't like to accept any responsibility I point out, only imaginary blame she puts on herself. So last week, I was about trying to take care of her emotional needs (as is the case nearly everyday), as well as our children, and work. It was tough, but she kinda got out of it by Friday, and we all had a pretty good weekend. On Monday, I texted her my usual "Good Morning" text, she responded and asked how my morning was going. I replied that I was feeling sick, overwhelmed at work ( because I took off on Friday because it seemed like she needed the help with childcare and doctors appointments) and feeling very anxious and just drained. Her reply was, "Well aren't you just a barrel full of monkeys." Not really the support I was looking for, especially considering how her week was prior.

I called her up shortly after that, just to say hi, nothing more, and I was met with a very upset spouse because she couldn't get the coffee machine to make the coffee the way she likes it, she had house cleaning to do, and her trip the park with the kids later in the day was going to include someone she didn't want going. I tried to talk to her about how maybe, in the future, she can avoid having this person tag along because that seemed to be the most pressing of issues in the moment, and I was lashed out at about that doesn't help her now, ect. I asked her to please not yell at me, and she has a right to be upset, but these issues are not my fault. She then went on about how all she needed was a good cup of coffee, then she'd be fine, but getting emotional about it. I sat and listened, without interrupting, and then she hung up on me. Which is a GIANT pet peeve of mine. I tried calling back, she didn't pick up.

We went the most of the day without any communication, until she texted me to call towards the end of the day. I did, and there was no mention of the morning fight or hanging up, but it was a curt conversation about household and parenting stuff. She told me s6 was being very disrespectful today and she was refusing to deal with it, so when I get home from work, it's on me to take care of that. I told her, it looks like s6 is going to have a bad time tonight, because you're having a bad day and I'm having a very bad day. Which led to some invalidating towards me. Then she said, "I didn't do the dishes, so that's on you tonight."

I got home, put my stuff down and proceeded to scold s6 about his disrespect. I made dinner, sat with everyone as we had a very silent and tension filled meal. After the kids were asleep I did the dishes and W and I had very minimal tension filled communication the rest of the night.

Yesterday was ever so slightly more cordial during the day through text. When I go home, W was in a little better spirits, I was still upset and angry about the the day before but I swallowed it to keep the peace. When the kids went to bed, it was the same minimal curt communication as the the night before.

This morning, W texted me if I left earlier for work as I did yesterday, while I was on my way to work. I didn't see the text, but I saw the follow up text about 40 minutes after the original. I replied and we went back and forth a little. It seemed curt and I had had it. I called her and calmly asked why her texts are short, she turned it around on me and said it was response to mine. Which is very clearly not true, but I apologized and mentioned how it is hard to get tone from text. She was driving when I called (she was on bluetooth), but after the brief conversation, I could tell she was crying, and both s3 (who was in the car) and I asked what was wrong at the same time. Which led to another conversation about talking about what was wrong and she reiterated that she doesn't want to, can't, and will not talk to me about this stuff anymore. I validated her feelings and asked her if I could talk to her, she led down another path, also more crying. I told her that I was at work and I can't have these kinds of conversations at work, plus, I no longer want to contribute to our kids always asking us, "Are you ok?". Which they always do, it tears me up inside. Of course, that was taken as a jab at her, despite my very careful wording. She quickly got off the phone with the take away being I am going to talk to her tonight, but she is very worried about what I'm going to say and how she's going to react.

Which leads me to now.

I am so absolutely emotionally broken and exhausted from this cycle and being the singular source of blame and answers. Having a spouse with BPD is a lot of wave riding, punch dodging and absorption, I accept that, but the toll it takes is high. I really want to talk about how I was completely invalidated on Monday and I still feeling the effects of that now, and how I have my own mental and emotion battles to fight daily, but her's always take priority. I  want to talk about how we need to make our kids feel secure in our emotional and mental states. All of which will inevitably lead to bigger scale issues, it always does, there's really no avoiding it.

What do I do? Do I bring up any of those things, none? I know it will not be a calm discussion, it always turns out emotionally charged. All of this at the risk of an emotional and mental backslide for my W. I know her emotions and responses are hers to own, but the fallout lands in my lap. And I don't think I have it in me for that now. But I also can't continue this current bout of anger and tension that refuses to get spoken about.

Any advice?     

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[isilme]

Hi SuperVillian,

So last week, I was about trying to take care of her emotional needs (as is the case nearly everyday)

But you really can't take care of her emotional needs.  Only she can do that.  Just because she tries to force that responsibility on you, does not mean you need to pick it up and help her avoid facing the responsibility.  You can be kind, loving and supportive, but only she can be responsible for managing her emotions.

This is a challenge, believe me, I know, as I still have to remind myself o of this.  I get so distressed when H is exhibiting "bad" emotions I need to come here or tell myself in my head - "he's allowed to be upset, angry, depressed, sad.  I do not need to fix it, share it, or absorb it.  I can validate the feelings, I can work on not enmeshing in them myself, but only he can choose to change them."

I grew up very codependent and so letting others have their feelings is a challenge.  I was told as a child to not be angry or sad by getting in trouble if I expressed an "unsanctioned" emotions.  I was also told that any time someone was upset it was my fault and/or my purpose for existing to fix it (both parents have BPD).  I hazard a guess that many of us on here have codependency issues and a hard time allowing us to be us, and them to be them.

It sounds like a lot of your exchanges stem from text communication and maybe phone calls through the day.

I am going to recommend simply cutting back on those.  You want reassurance she's not mad at you.  This is pretty much my feeling as to why you'd keep engaging with her.  But, if she has BPD and if she feels out of sorts (no matter whether it actually has anything to do with you or not) she will push all those feelings off onto you if you make yourself available for it.  Dial back the daily messaging.  Keep it simple, low emotional content.  I find a lot of people texting "I love yous" are really seeking validation back, and a BPD often can't provide that kind of validation, and it makes them feel trapped, it makes them need to push you away, and so a fight starts. 

Then, it's normal to try to justify yourself, argue your point, defend yourself, and explain.  We do this hoping they can see why we said or did something, and they will be like, "whoops, I understand now, I should not have gotten mad."  BPD will not let this happen.  Instead, all you are heard saying is, "you're wrong, this is your fault, you're stupid, I'm right, I'm better, I can't stand you for being so dumb I will leave you... ."  It's called JADE and is something that just adds fuel to the fire and keeps the fight going and can even escalate it. It's best to realize where the fight stands and see how to remove yourself from it.  If their emotional punching bag is gone, they get confused as they no longer have their target to process their emotions.  If you remove yourself consistently (and can find a way to prevent transference to the kids), it works to force her to process the emotions herself.

We can't usually get through these things with a "let's talk it out" approach.  You want closure for the fight, you want to feel "heard", but this all goes back to JADE.  It all goes back to wanting to explain away the fight that already happened.

Here's the thing - we hold onto the fights longer than they do as far as hurting from them.  Their feelings = facts.  If they feel mad, then to them they have always been mad and nothing has ever changed.  If they are over being mad (having vented it all out onto you) then they have never been mad, it's all over, why do you want to make them mad by talking about it?

The kids - they sound like they are learning a lesson that managing the adults' emotions is their job.  This does not come from explicitly stated things, but subtle practices that you may not even spot right away.  They need to be told, "mommy and daddy are okay. even when we have to discuss things and get loud we love you and it's nothing to do with you, mommies and daddies just sometimes need to talk about things and even if we get upset it's still okay.  people have feelings and work through them, " or things along those lines.  People with kiddos need t chime in here, as I can only talk from experience as the child. 

Basically, I think the best boundary for you to work towards is simply not engaging when you can avoid it.  It exhausts you.  If she's in a bad mood, and you know you didn't cause it, you don't ahve to feel any blame or respoibility for it.  You go about your day just as you would if a coworekr was in a bad mood.  You need to gugage commetns and interactions, find onces you can pretty much ignore, say, "yes dear," and move on.  The flying monkeys are not yours.  You are allwed to let her try to corral them. 

[SuperVillian]

You're right about a lot of the issues at hand today. And I grew up the very same way, with not being able to express"negative" emotions.

I've definitely scaled back the daily communication throughout the day in the past for the reason you said, but as it goes, things got better and slipped into back into that that mode.

I'm been very very aware of the JADE reaction and I've definitely gotten better, but today was/is the culmination in frustrations in a lot of ways and my guard, from myself, was down. And I fell into the trap again today.

Earlier today, I was informed I had to work overtime on Friday. I let W know, and after a bit of back and forth about how that makes her sad, and insinuated I was staying late because I'm cheating on her (something I've never done, but the accusation gets thrown around a lot.) I decided to let my boss know I could not work the OT (although we desperately need the money). I related this to W, she asked why, and I told her, that I can't in good conscience work the OT with the things you said. I don't want to contribute to already difficult situation. I made sure to tell her it was my decision because I can't handle the results. Of course, that was turned around, made into a pity party and insisted I get the OT back. But it was too late, my boss found another taker. I told W this and she flat out said, "There was no OT was there?" I sent her pictures of my work calendar and my text exchanges with my boss about it. She then combed over the pictures and picked out little things that may justify her behavior. Asking about "Who's covering for you?", "Why is there reflections of trees on your computer screen", and other such things. I then proceeded to send her more pictures proving my truth again. She responds with, "Somethings still bugging me." I told her, I can't do anymore than I already have.

I know I did the absolute wrong thing and JADE'd up down that whole situation, but I'm just so exhausted, I don't care anymore. Also, and this is childish, I wanted her to SEE that she was wrong. I wanted her to feel wrong. I know that my actions weren't going to do that, and they didn't, but I needed to do something, say something. My game is weak right now and I'm not looking forward to going home and dealing with this mess, yet again.

I'm very hurt, angry, and depressed (for quite sometime) now, I know tonight is going to be very difficult to practice the skills I learned. She's going to press my buttons, I know it. I need to center myself before I get home, be the stable parent for my kids, and deal with what happens next with wise mind.

I know this. But I'm not sure I can. 

[PChemGuy]

I know I did the absolute wrong thing and JADE'd up down that whole situation, but I'm just so exhausted, I don't care anymore. Also, and this is childish, I wanted her to SEE that she was wrong. I wanted her to feel wrong. I know that my actions weren't going to do that, and they didn't, but I needed to do something, say something. My game is weak right now and I'm not looking forward to going home and dealing with this mess, yet again.

SuperVillain, it sounds like you are at your wits end. And that totally makes sense, we all get tired some times. Or hurt or sad. Like you said, off our game. So don't beat up on yourself for that. It sounds to me that you are trying to do your best in a hard situation.

Find a way to take care of yourself. You need to fill your own tank so that you have enough emotional fuel to do the right things. Read a book. Watch a tv show. Eat some ice cream. I mean whatever it is that helps you. And know that you will feel the pull to get into that discussion, to explain that thing she just doesn't understand, to get all emotionally worked up about whatever new thing it is you are supposed to have done/not done. You will feel like she is making you get involved. But that pull is actually from inside us, and we can decide what to do with it. We can say, you know what, I am sad and tired and confused and I really don't want to fight tonight. I'm going to have a quiet evening and take care of myself tonight. If you would like her to join you, invite her. If not don't. If she wants to join you is then up to her, her choice.

I think isilme had a lot of wonderful insights to share. She did ask a question:

The kids - they sound like they are learning a lesson that managing the adults' emotions is their job.  This does not come from explicitly stated things, but subtle practices that you may not even spot right away.  They need to be told, "mommy and daddy are okay. even when we have to discuss things and get loud we love you and it's nothing to do with you, mommies and daddies just sometimes need to talk about things and even if we get upset it's still okay.  people have feelings and work through them, " or things along those lines.  People with kiddos need t chime in here, as I can only talk from experience as the child. 

I think this is right on. I missed how old the kiddos are, but the only thing I might reiterate is that most kids, but especially younger ones, need some reassurance that it isn't their fault that you are upset.  "It isn't your fault, and you didn't do anything wrong. We just need to work through this. We love each other and we definitely both love you."

[RolandOfEld]

Hi SV, I can completely relate to being emotionally burnt out by the chaos. Yesterday I was so depressed I could barely move the mouse at work. Then to go home and face two little kids and a dysregulating wife in that state... .I get what's happening with you completely. Please hang in there and listen to PCChem's advice about doing something for yourself. As your situation is similar to mine I'm guessing that's tough to do at home, so do it during work if you can. Two hours off for a movie, getting an ice cream, sitting down in Starbucks for an hour to read. You need it and you don't have to tell anyone about it.

On top of that, dBPDw and I are pretty sure s6 is showing signs of BPD. That's something I know I can't handle right now.  

I  want to talk about how we need to make our kids feel secure in our emotional and mental states.

I have repeatedly brought up the same fears with my counselor. Worrying about the effect on my kids adds a whole other depth to the stress. My counselor told me two things I have found very helpful here. One, that young kids are highly resilient and  can't develop something like BPD so young. More realistically, your son is imitating behaviors or just responding to the current situation. If the environment in your house suddenly became more peaceful, your son's behavior would likely change in kind.  

The second thing is that while repeatedly exposure to depression and BPD is not good, we don't need to keep young kids completely in the dark about how we feel. If they see us cry, it's OK for them to know adults do this and get sad, too. If anything, it may help them to learn this kind of self expression is OK. Your wife's behaviors are not so OK.

I took off on Friday because it seemed like she needed the help with childcare and doctors appointments

I decided to let my boss know I could not work the OT (although we desperately need the money).

You are exactly where I was a year ago, running home or taking off every time my wife's foot hurt or she couldn't take it or was threatening to kill herself. Until my manager finally sat me down and asked what the heck was going on. It was clear my job was at risk. Eventually I made it clear to my wife I was not going to miss work. It was not pretty.

You are the breadwinner. Earning money is your primary responsibility to your family. Without money, there's no house to be depressed in. Taking leave to help out here and there is OK. Risking your job and losing money you need to support your family is not.  

But I also can't continue this current bout of anger and tension that refuses to get spoken about.

In a normal relationship we would communicate how we feel about things and theoretically both sides would own up to their part and commit to do something about it. This doesn't happen often with someone with BPD I find. Talk to a therapist. Open up to trusted family or friends about the situation. Make allies. Without a support system to hold you up, it will be very hard to find the strength to make changes.

What do you think? How much of the above seems doable, and if not, why?

~ROE