He is threatening suicide and I don't know what to do

[Harri]

Hi again Catlady.  I too am very glad to hear that things are more settled. 

I hope you continue to post especially now that things have settled down as this is the time when you can really focus on helping yourself and learning the tools without having so much fear and anxiety making things even harder.

I understand why you told him ahead of time.  It makes sense.  I just want to make sure you are not setting up a situation where you need to ask for permission more than you sort of already do.  As you said, being able to interact with others is vital.

Take good care and I will be looking forward to hearing more from you.   

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

Let me second what HQ and Harri have said.  You must take care of yourself, and times of calm are the time when you can make the most progress in learning the tools and bettering the relationship.  Read up, and check out the tools on this Web site such as validation.  Of course, you already did a great job of validating his feelings when he thought you'd abandoned him.    It was nice to see how effective that was.  You won't always have success.  We're here to cheer you when things are going well and when they aren't.

What is your highest priority for growth/improvement when he returns?

WW

[Catlady3.14]

my highest priority ... .At this moment,for the relationship, I am just shooting for not fighting. Communication and being able to disagree.
For myself,I try my best to take care of myself.I want to get back in shape. And am s till going to find a reason to get outside everyday we can.

We'll see how things go. My son and daughter both need to go to the doctor this morning. It was an unexpected visit.
 I asked him what time he was thinking of going(to therapy) tomorrow?
Cause I could take them to doctors around his plans.

He said that was a "loaded question and he isn't going to be controlled" ( this was like a switch for his attitude)
 I said " I'm only asking cause I didn't want to interrupt your plans by assuming when you wanted to go. You told me you were going to go, I never insisted.
I don't want to control you at all and I surely don't want to make you do anything you don't want to do. "

I hope that was good.
He stayed angry til he went to bed but did tell me good night.
And we did NOT fight about it. I feel good about that even if today turns out with no therapy...
 I really hope for.

[Radcliff]

Being able to disagree constructively is something of an advanced topic.  That can be difficult for our pwBPD.  But lessening the conflict is definitely realistic nearer term.  It's good to head off trouble as far upstream as possible.  With the benefit of looking at it after the fact, we see that you asking about therapy triggered him.  You might have avoided fireworks by avoiding that hot button entirely, saying "I need the car to take the kids to the doctor tomorrow, but can schedule it around your plans.  Do you need the car tomorrow?"  If you want to add therapy at the end (not the beginning) of that sentence, perhaps in case he forgot, you could do that, but you might get a backlash -- that's your call.  It might be best to avoid that kind of caretaking behavior unless he has accepted it (reminder of therapist appointment) in the past.

Your answer to him was gentle, but sounds a bit like JADE.  Could you have approach this in a way that validated his feelings of being crowded or controlled?  Mastering the art of avoiding JADE is a great first step to reducing conflict.

WW

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Catlady,

I'm just wondering how the rest of the day went?  Did your husband make any move towards going to the therapy he was up for attending?  If not, how do you feel about that?  Wentworth has given you a link to some really good info.  It's something I wished I'd seen before I did.  Hope it is helpful.

Love and light x

[Catlady3.14]

Thank you ww
I'll read over the Jade and validation links again.
No therapy yesterday which was a let down. It was disappointing. It seemed so close.
But I didn't argue with him or get (outwrdly) upset about it.
I didn't bring it up again.I
But now I feel that because he feels controlled or pushed I won't be able to bring it up in conversation anymore without it being a fight.

[Harley Quinn]

That's a very uncomfortable feeling for you and I'm afraid that may be his aim (whether consciously or not) to deter you from raising it.  Do you think he has changed his mind altogether?  Just to check, when he was first receptive, was it yourself that brought it up and in what context if so?  Perhaps something around that situation can give you clues as to when and how this type of discussion will be best received. 

Rather than outright asking about it right away, is there anything you can be doing as groundwork do you think, to improve the atmosphere at home?  What might be a quick win for you in building trust and reinforcing his awareness?  I'm wondering what concerns he has voiced about the situation as it stands that you could work with and validate.  The best time to have a conversation with him is when he is calm and balanced emotionally.  If he is dysregulated it will not be a productive talk and could serve to drive him further away from your desired outcome.

How is his behaviour overall towards you at the moment since his return?

Love and light x

[Radcliff]

Catlady,

Regarding getting someone into therapy, it's a long game.  I think you might find it valuable to look at this page on how to get a borderline into therapy.  There's a video at the end by a clinical researcher who figured out how best to approach the challenge of getting someone to get past unawareness of a mental illness and into therapy.  The video is an hour and forty minutes long.  He drops a nugget 37 minutes in, and finally gets down to business at about 1:19.  It's worth watching, but you probably also want to read his book, "I Am Not Sick, I Don't Need Help! How to Help Someone with Mental Illness Accept Treatment."  In the video, he says that two things are predictive of whether or not someone will stay in treatment:  1. Awareness that they have a mental illness (usually not going to happen), and 2. A relationship with someone who listens without judgement and thinks they'll benefit from treatment.  He founded the LEAP Institute to train people in these techniques (www.leapinstitute.org).  LEAP stands for Listen, Empathize, Agree, and Partner. 

I'm giving you this info because I think it's the best resource we have about getting someone into therapy.  But keep in mind that no matter how brilliant you are, getting someone else to do something is a long shot.  Don't burden yourself with the responsibility to fix everything.  Give it a go, understanding that you are in extra credit territory -- it's a worthwhile thing to attempt, but always be mindful of how things are going, and your personal health and safety.

WW

[Catlady3.14]

I know it isn't my place and I know I can't get him in because I want too. I just don't think it is going to work if he doesn't get into therapy. I know too that I can't give any ultimatums.
in between a rock and a hard spot.

I feel like I'm sneaking around to talk to friends. When I get on here as I can't post or read into while he is present.
I hate that.

His attitude since he has been home is mostly decent. He is anxious all the time, and irritated and he shakes constantly with nerves.
I try to keep the kids at arms length because I don't know what he might say or do. And I dont want them to be hurt anymore.
I don't leave the baby with him. He makes sarcastic remarks and puts us down sometimes in a joking manner.
Like he called my son gay because he dyed his hair. And I just responded I'm alright with that if he is happy in life.
 I am constantly looking at him to see how this demeanor is.
I'm nervous it's going to boil over all the time. I'm worried he'll snap for no real reason.

How did it come up...
He was down on himself and so I said well what would make you feel better about yo ur self.
I was thinking a walk a jog.
PAainting. Etc.
He replied that he needs medication and therapy twice a week.
I asked what was stopping him if that's what he wants to do.
He said the hassle of it.
And that he would set up an appt.
I said the place I went you have to show up in person to have an appt. He said then I'll do that monday.I
I'm short.
I told him it'd didn't come easy and would be hard work etc.

I think that is what he thought I wanted to hear and so he said it.
And is using the way I asked to validate him not going.
Putting it back on me as being controlling.
I

I have no ideas of how to build trust with him or and this is my BIG question
How to reinforce his awareness?
What would a conversation like this sound like?
I clearly can't say hey you admitted you needed help, when and why and how will you go?

I'm going to read through the how to get a borderline into therapy and continue reading.

[Radcliff]

Catlady,

Yes, definitely read that material, and consider reading the book that speaker wrote.  I have not read it, so if you do, come back and tell us what you thought.

You are right, unless he gets help, he is not likely to change.  Getting him into therapy is a worthwhile long-term goal, but is not something to pin your hopes on, not something to twist yourself into a pretzel over.  Study up, give it a go.  But focus most of your efforts on things you can control to make your day-to-day life better.

What skills have you been practicing lately (not JADEing, validating, etc.).  Any successes or challenges you'd like to share with us?  Any troubles you're searching for a tool for?

WW

[Harley Quinn]

I just don't think it is going to work if he doesn't get into therapy. I know too that I can't give any ultimatums.

Imagine for a moment that he doesn't go to therapy.  What do you see happening?  What does that version of the future look like to you?

His attitude since he has been home is mostly decent. He is anxious all the time, and irritated and he shakes constantly with nerves... .

... .He was down on himself and so I said well what would make you feel better about yo ur self.

I've tied the above quotes together as I am thinking about ways that you can show the same level of care about how he is feeling in order to open up further dialogue.  Not to push for the action, but to get him to feel more comfortable talking and thinking about how he is affected.  Could you simply say "It must be so hard for you to feel this anxious" or "You seem irritated.  That's really difficult for you.  I don't like to feel that way when it happens to me.  What could you do right now to help you to feel more relaxed?"

The alternative is to tie this sort of dialogue in with what he specifically talked about when he was down on himself.  What was bothering him?  Raising this may be a little more tricky if he were to feel like it was leading somewhere, but perhaps you could check in when he seems settled and just enquire about something specific that he acknowledged.  That way you're not bringing up something he isn't ready to think about or admit.

I'm in agreement with Wentworth that this is a long term goal in that if he does go to therapy it will take time before he sees any major change or improvement.  Nothing is guaranteed.  Considering the present as a priority I have to ask how old all of the children are?  Just so I'm clear on the level of their understanding of their father's behaviour.

I try to keep the kids at arms length because I don't know what he might say or do. And I dont want them to be hurt anymore.
I don't leave the baby with him.

I'm so sorry that you find yourself having to do that.  It must be so hard for you and also the children.  What is his reaction to being kept at a distance from the kids?  Can you give us an example of something he might do, based on your experiences of what has happened in the past?  What do you fear most Catlady?

I know I've asked some hard questions here.  If it's too much to answer all at once, take your time.  We're listening. 

Love and light x   

[Catlady3.14]

Yesterday, I used his phone. He told me I could the night before and so I made some phone calls in the morning. When he woke up his phone had automatically updated or something.
He accused me of going through his phone and sending myself files he had saved.
I of course didn't. I didn't look at his messages or anything.
So once accused I started to Jade. Then I thought... I don't have to because it isn't an act. I truly didn't do anything wrong.
Realizing that and then accepting I didn't have to defend my innocence helped me greatly!
At first i said
I don't know what you're talking about. I used it to make some calls. Then I just shut up. Because I knew it was dragging me into an argument that just wasn't necessary.
I continued the day as if I hadn't done any thing and I was decent to him.
He calmed down but stayed angry. Then he later apologized saying it was an all time list and the items had been sent to his email not mine.

[Catlady3.14]

HQ,
Sometimes I get the feeling I want to go and sometimes I get the feeling I want to stay.
I have to keep telling myself that maybe if I set the example and go and I seem better to him maybe he will be more willing to go.
What does a future without him in therapy look like...
Sad and lonely and painful.

Those quotes work sometimes if they are perceived as genuine.
I need to repeat them and make the common in my responses.

As for the kids. I am always present when they are and they know that if I happen to be laying down with the baby they are to do their home work and leave him alone.
I send them out of I'm going to be out. To the park or a friends.
I fear most that him and my son will get into a physical fight.
They don't have a good relationship and my son is hard headed and angry a lot and sometimes disrespectful.
He has accused my son of talking to people he shouldn't (being a traitor) and accused him of sneaking and spying on him.
When my son is around him, son is constantly looking at husband. I think because he is worried. Husband thinks it is to bother him. He doesn't know how husband is going to react at any moment, over what we have no clue.
When he gets mad at the kids he screams and rages and tears them down. He says things that shouldn't be said to a kid.
I do not leave him in a place to punish kids. I step in without trying to undermine him.
He knows I try to be a middle man, even with his son.
I let things go that should be dealt with by husband.
 his son and I deal with each other one on one.
Meaning if he is  bad then I talk to him. Some times he doesn't listen but for the biggest part if he is wrong he admits it and does
What's asked. He is a really good kid.
It is a gamble to bring an issue up to husband. Because he will decide one is right and one of us are wrong.
Example. I told stepson that they needed to be out the door for school by 730. They were all running too close to being late for school.
Stepson argued and ignored me. Then caused them to miss a bus for one.
I brought it to up husband, step son lied and said they had left on time. His clock said this, mine must have been wrong.
Husband goes on rant to step son of how I am crazy and step son doesn't have to listen to me. And he expects him to do right, not by my standard but because he is better than me or my two.

[Catlady3.14]

Out Kids are:
Our son almost 3
My two
Girl 11
Boy 13
His oldest 17

[Harley Quinn]

What does a future without him in therapy look like...
Sad and lonely and painful.

I'm so sorry that this is how you are feeling.  It is positive that you managed the phone situation in a conscious way and it seemed to go well.  :)id it feel like an improvement to you compared to previous interactions of this nature?  It can feel a bit unnatural at first to implement some of these things, but as you do it more it will become a good habit and second nature.  It sounds like you have a lot of good reasons to want things to be better at home for yourself and your children.  When faced with a chance of things spiralling, try to always pause and take a breath to give yourself time to gather yourself and act in a measured way.  Sometimes the pressure to respond can get to us.  I've been there.

I fear most that him and my son will get into a physical fight.

That has to be a real worry for you.  To imagine your 13 year old pitched against a fully grown and very angry man is not a concern that you want to be having.  Has your son spoken to you or anyone (perhaps a school counsellor?) about why he is angry a lot?  This must be so difficult for you to see.  Has your husband ever threatened any of you physically, or used physical intimidation Catlady?  :)o you think your husband recognises that you are actively keeping the kids away from him and does he understand why?  I'm wondering if you've ever talked to him about his behaviour towards them when he is calm and receptive.  Hearing him say things to them that kids should never hear has to be awful for you.  How do you handle this with them?

Husband goes on rant to step son of how I am crazy and step son doesn't have to listen to me. And he expects him to do right, not by my standard but because he is better than me or my two.

Catlady that must wear you down.  How does it make you feel to hear that?  The fact you're going to therapy is a huge positive for you and I'm so pleased that you are investing in yourself in this way by devoting time just for you.  You're dealing with an awful lot and giving yourself that self care is vital in helping you to keep going.  Reaching out for support is a wise move indeed.  It's such a relief to me that you found this site.  You can never have too large a support network.  

Love and light x  

[Radcliff]

Great job not JADEing! 

Harley Quinn has asked some great questions.  I'll hold off on any more thoughts while you chew on those.

WW

[Catlady3.14]

 It did feel like an improvement.
Typically I'd explain all the reasons I didn't do something and then, what could have happened.
But that only makes me look guilty when In fact I haven't done anything wrong.
My son has been through alot. he just started talking to his dad after 4 years of no contact.
And before I realized what was going on with the mood swings and such on my husband's end, he got punished alot.
Since taking on full responsibility and being with him at all times  things are better between son and i. And neutral with him and husbamd
I asked for him to speak to a school counselor but they haven't spoke with him.

No he hasn't ever threatened physical violence and I don't think he would just outright start a physical fight. But when he is off balance he is a totally different person.  If my son were to hit or push him there would be a reaction and I don't know if he would control himself.
Yes, he knows I try to be the middle man with the kids.
The last big fight... When he came back it was with the intent of me staying home to deal with the kids, because it was too much for him.
There is really no time to criticise him in any way. Once he feels criticised he is instantly angered.
I have explained to the kids for them to be respectful and to address him when they come home" hello , how was your day"
And that gauges his mood.
I explained to them that the things he says about them and me  are wrong and it is really a projection of how he feels about himself.
That he beats himself up and the stuff we hear is an overflow.
He is wrong when he is nasty. And to not apply those mean things to them self.
That's about all I know to say or do.
I also know that while I get depressed I go to auto pilot , I cut off from them and everyone. So I have set a goal of hugging and praising and making sure I interact with them all for something everyday, no matter what I feel like.


It makes me angry to hear the things he says sometimes.
On the total opposite of him siding with step son. He has severely punished step son for minor things I have mentioned to him.
We tend to keep him out of any issues becayse , no matter which of us are right. There is no telling how he reacts.

Because it has been an ongoing rollercoaster for several years, I feel like I need an instant fix to the problems
But I know really I need to let go of fixing the problems and build day by day.

[Harley Quinn]

From what you say, your husband recognises he has problems and that is a positive thing.  Being able to maintain an open dialogue around that in a supportive way is going to be helpful towards that longer term goal, whilst remembering that they are HIS problems to solve, not yours.  Your job is to consider what your difficulties are and to address those and those of your children, as your husband does not have the ability to regulate himself emotionally in order to provide them with the stability and consistency that they need.  It sounds like you're doing the best you can with what you have and yes, it is a case of taking it day by day.

Suffering with your pmdd is really hard on top of all of this.  Try to go easy on yourself and communicate with the kids about how you're feeling.  They are old enough to understand that you're not feeling so great today and won't make their own assumptions then that it is anything to do with them.  How does your daughter cope with the atmosphere at home?

It has to be difficult for you with your condition to not have support with the kids from your husband.  Four children is a lot of responsibility to shoulder by yourself.  I only have one child and find it very hard at times with my pain and depression.  Can you see a time when you have some help and don't need to do all this by yourself?  

It's unfortunate that the school counsellor hasn't yet spoken to your son.  In your shoes I'd be inclined to follow up on that.  Remember this phrase when it comes to getting support for your family:  Only squeaky wheels get oiled.  I have a long term condition too and this motto has been really helpful in my pursuing the help and support I need to manage it.  Medical and mental health professionals have a huge job and unless we are making noise about our difficulties they are onto the next patient.  I learned the hard way that things can fall through the cracks, like promised appointments and referrals.  It's always worth a gentle reminder.

There is really no time to criticise him in any way. Once he feels criticised he is instantly angered... .

... .We tend to keep him out of any issues because , no matter which of us are right. There is no telling how he reacts.

I think it's fair to say that you're all walking on eggshells at present.  :)o you think that's an accurate description?  The tools here will hopefully help with that as you practise them.  :)o let us know about specific instances where you have difficulty so that someone can work through this with you.  I'm also not surprised to hear that you feel angry sometimes at the things he says.  I'd feel angry too.  How are you managing that?  :)o you express your feelings to him?  There's an article I'd really like to introduce to you, if you've not already seen it.  At the bottom there is a link to further discussion on the topic.  It's about boundaries and I'm pretty sure that it may help you to think about what is OK in your opinion and what is not in your present situation.  The next step is to think about what you can do in order to move towards respecting your own boundaries.  We can help you with this here.  You can find the article I'm referring to HERE.  I'd love to hear your thoughts and any questions you have after looking at this.  Boundaries for myself remain a work in progress, and as I learn to apply them in my life I am finding it has a positive effect on my overall wellbeing and my sense of self worth.  We all deserve to honour our values.

Well done on what you've achieved so far!    

Love and light x  

  

[Catlady3.14]

HQ,
Thank you for your response. Its so difficult to unwrap His problems and My problems. I'm trying to work on myself and leave his problems to him. Easier said than done haha
I try to communicate with the kids.
 something I notice everyone in the house didn't under stand was me kind of huffing and puffing around.
They thought I was mad at them and honestly I didn't realize I was huffing and puffing. I have other health issues and deal with pain everyday. 
So I had to explain to everyone that it was unconscious and I was sorry. And since then I try and verbally whine a bit, even though it's not my style. So it is obvious I am hurting and not angry. Squeaky wheels get oiled!... At least in this case they know the squeaky wheel is a little rusty.
My daughter, she seems to block it all out. She doesn't take it personally and if she does it doesnt  show.
She has a lot of friends and occupies her time well.
All seems well but I know it bothers her more than she shows.

Husband cooks a few times a week. He's a great cook. But he rarely picks up after himself in anyway.
The kids are super troopers in help around the house.
I think the only break I'll get is when the baby is in school.

I do need to check up on a school counselor. I think it might do both of them Some good.

Walking on egg shells is absolutely an accurate description.
Typically No I don't express much of any emotion to him. Even love,sadness or happiness. He doesn't do well with too much emotion in any direction.
But last night we were joking around and then he called "mommy a liar and said all women lie" and all with a smile on his face. repeating it 3x
 I said that's not really a nice thing to say and he shouldn't think his mommy is a liar.
It seemed to be a bait into an argument for whatever the reason. He tried to push a button to make me angry seeming from no where. Asking why shouldn't I tell him that that when you have lied before.
 I said you're well aware why things like that shouldn't be said to a baby.
That was it, he was back to joking nicely and things were mostly calm.
It seemed like a test?

[Harley Quinn]

I'm not sure it was necessarily a test as much as him saying what he feels (which equals a fact with a pwBPD) without having any ability/empathy in that moment to recognise the impact that has on a child.  Or on you.  Thoughtless speech is something I've had issues with from my son's father (NPD traits) and it's very frustrating. 

I'm glad to hear that you maintained your boundary there on what is acceptable to say to your young son.  Perhaps the fact that he moved on easily from that is an indicator that you can also remain as firm in other areas?  Is it possible that you are avoiding saying something in case of a reaction that isn't guaranteed?  What happens when he is angry?  Do you fear his rages?

Love and light x 

[Catlady3.14]

I do avoid saying anything to him that may cause any disagreements. Because I so desperately need to NOT fight
I have told him flat out I am not fighting anymore. I will not scream and argue and call each other mean names. So far any time that has started I walk awy. Period.
that is the biggest boundary for m e.
But it really isn't fair to if me to decide how he is going to react is it? It's not my job.
It is my job to be honest and be myself and to say what I mean.
His reaction isn't guaranteed, I'm expecting every reaction to be negative and that's not good.
Yes his rages have torn the house apart, torn the kids apart, security, it is detrimental. And that's terrifying, but I can't control that.

[Radcliff]

Catlady, I wanted to say that I'm particularly impressed with your dedication to taking time for the children, hugging them, and giving them attention every day.  I do not have a lot of experience with depression, but I went through a few weeks a little while back where I could barely be mentally present for D13.  I know it's a tough fight, but every win will pay off for your kids.

I can't remember if I've said this already, but one thing I read and have found true is the power of making observations about what your children are doing.  Just comment on what they're wearing, what they're doing, if they seem upbeat or tired, etc.  Simple, neutral observations have tremendous power.  They'll know you're paying attention to them.  Practice making as many comments per day as possible.  It pays off.

WW

[Harley Quinn]

I will not scream and argue and call each other mean names. So far any time that has started I walk awy. Period.
that is the biggest boundary for m e.
But it really isn't fair to if me to decide how he is going to react is it? It's not my job.
It is my job to be honest and be myself and to say what I mean.
His reaction isn't guaranteed, I'm expecting every reaction to be negative and that's not good.
Yes his rages have torn the house apart, torn the kids apart, security, it is detrimental. And that's terrifying, but I can't control that.

Catlady I can't tell you how happy it makes me to read your post above.  It sounds like you're gaining some clarity around what is happening for you and that is so important in beginning to take steps towards making things better, for you.  It seems like you've felt forced to pay more attention to how to manage your husband's dysregulation than to what that does to you all.  You are not responsible for his behaviour.  You're only responsible for your own.  

I'm really pleased to see that you have asserted a boundary on yourself around your tolerance for shouting and name calling.  It's a great start.  Now, rather than continuing to walking on eggshells I hope we can help you to get to a place where your husband needs to take responsibility for himself and you can be yourself and speak your truth, with the tools here and some dedication and practise on your part.  How does that sound to you?

Love and light x    

[Catlady3.14]

HQ,That actually feels wonderful. It's a relief to place only my actions and only my reactions in my own shoulders.
And I know I'm going to have to chisel this into my head and accept it.
It's hard to unwrap from someone when you have spent years tangled into them.

WW, thank you for the encouragement and that's a great idea on just commenting. It starts a conversation. I'll try to make as many comments to each child every day.

[Radcliff]

HQ,That actually feels wonderful. It's a relief to place only my actions and only my reactions in my own shoulders.
And I know I'm going to have to chisel this into my head and accept it.
It's hard to unwrap from someone when you have spent years tangled into them.

I find when I'm dealing with my pwBPD, I need to re-teach this to myself on a weekly or even daily basis.  :)on't get discouraged if you slip up and have to re-learn it.  Just keep climbing back on the horse.  You'll start to fall off less with practice.

WW, thank you for the encouragement and that's a great idea on just commenting. It starts a conversation. I'll try to make as many comments to each child every day.

The wonderful thing about neutral observations is that you can give an unlimited number of them.  Compliments can be good, but if you give too many they become meaningless, and it's important for mom's compliments to have value.  The other thing I've learned is that kids, especially teenagers, hate questions.  I try to keep it to observations, and like you said, it can start a conversation and I may find out what I want.  If I don't, I can say "I wonder... ." instead of asking a question.  Of course, they might not offer the information, but you will have avoided antagonizing them.  Observations can also be used when you want them to do something.  Instead of saying, "Please fill the dog's water," you can say "I see the dog's water bowl is empty."  They may just fill it, then you can compliment them.  B.t.w., I'm getting this stuff out of a book my therapist recommended when I was talking to her about reestablishing my ability to parent my kids after dealing with a spouse who disrupted my parenting.  The book is, "Transforming the Difficult Child -- The Nurtured Heart Approach," by Glasser.

WW

[Catlady3.14]

That sounds like a really good book! I'm going to have to read it. I always need help with parenting. My 13 yo  is a great kid but a hand full at times. Sadly I'm learning by my mistakes as I'm teaching him.
I explained to them that there are things that have taken me years to understand, not even accomplished but understand. And so some things are hard for me to teach because I'm just now learning. Problem solving, temper control.(currently letting go of what is not my place to control). So on
Do you have any suggestions on books for teens and how to deal with a BPD parent or parent with any disorder?

[Radcliff]

I always need help with parenting.

Everyone needs help with parenting!

My 13 yo  is a great kid but a hand full at times. Sadly I'm learning by my mistakes as I'm teaching him.
I explained to them that there are things that have taken me years to understand, not even accomplished but understand. And so some things are hard for me to teach because I'm just now learning. Problem solving, temper control.(currently letting go of what is not my place to control).

Whenever our youngest daughter complains that we are doing something differently with her than with her two big sisters, we say, "They were our practice children, with you, we are going to do it right!"

Do you have any suggestions on books for teens and how to deal with a BPD parent or parent with any disorder?

I have asked myself this question, but not found any.  There might be some out there, but I haven't found them.  The problem is that labeling their parent when they are still kids kind of throws that parent under the bus.  It's also awkward and potentially unhealthy to keep secrets from the other parent ("don't show this book to your dad".  The best advice I've heard is to think of the traits in your pwBPD that you don't want your children to pick up.  Then think of the positive opposites.  You want them to have empathy.  You want them to be able to control their emotions, etc.  Find books that help with that, and be your child's guide in developing those skills.  They will then be better equipped to decide for themselves what behaviors of your husbands and of yours they want to take to adulthood.  A great book is, The Heart of Parenting: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, by John Gottman.  I pretty much love anything by Gottman   I have the book sitting here on my bedside table... .OK, on the inside flyleaf, it says, "The Heart of Parenting is a guide to teaching children to understand and regulate their emotional world."  Hmm... .that sounds relevant to our situations!   Despite the fact that it's decorating my bedside table, it's been a long time since I read it.  I'm probably due for another pass.  Thanks for making me think of it!

[formflier]

This thread has been locked due to length.  The discussion has been continued at the thread below.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=324923.msg12965794#msg12965794