It’s been hard lately.

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[CryWolf]

Hey fam,

My anxiety is at an all time high right now. Maybe because I drank some redbull. Lol... but also I have my last day of finals tomorrow. Same time as my ex. Last time during midterms, I saw her sitting outside my class with her classmates. My anxiety gets triggered every time I head to school because I do my best to avoid her now and not see her anymore. Seeing her makes me miss her like crazy and brings back all the memories. I need to be more secure before I can see her again, and Im afraid I wont be able to hold my emotions in.

Just thinking about tomorrow and the potential of her sitting out my class, or bumping into her and seeing her with her classmates makes me anxious. The reason why I think im anxious, is because when I see her, I always used to run after her. However, since March, since that hallway incident I told you all before in my previous posts, when we bump into each other, I dont chase after her or try to "talk" or get her attention. Im scared if If i see her, I would not know how to control myself and blow all my progress.

[CryWolf]

I’m a little angry now.

Every semester I always was always there for her. Always wishing her good luck on her exams, always dropping off food to her house or campus, motivating her to do her work when she had no will, helping her write emails to professors, giving her forehead kisses to calm her down and knowing how much she loved them. Even after our car accident, I held her while she cried in my arms. I even was going to take fault for the accident so she wouldn’t get in trouble by her parents, but she told me no. I have always been there for her. Even after one of the times she broke up with me, I drove to the scene of the accident and took pics for her so she Can show her lawyers, I even went to the police station to get the policd report so she wouldn’t have to drive so far and revisit the scene of the accident so it won’t traumatize her again.

I’ve been there for her for everything and yet, one whole semester goes by and nothing from her. The last time she texted Me was when I offered her my notes for a class and she texted me all night talking about her job and if my job was hiring so she can transfer over. Then nothing since then. Even when she picked up the notes from me she was in a pissed of mood to see me. She didn’t even say thank you. Then she texted me 2 days later saying thank you and asking if the answer were right. Once I didn’t reply over a hour she texted me again saying “nvm I got it” she always doesn’t that when I don’t on her timeline. This texting occurred back in end of January beginning of feb.

I don’t know how I feel most of the time. It’s contempt to feeling whatever to feeling angry to feeling sad. This is the process I guess. But I haven’t felt this anxious in so damn long.

[Turkish]

Not feeling reciprocation, even with gratitude, is hurtful.  My T once told me that he thought that a lot of my anger (hurt) stemmed from expecting my ex to be who she was not.  

[CryWolf]

Not feeling reciprocation, even with gratitude, is hurtful.  My T once told me that he thought that a lot of my anger (hurt) stemmed from expecting my ex to be who she was not.  

My ex would say thank you, here and there. But I guess i wanted a different reaction from her. or feel appreciated. She did tell me at times, I want her to be someone she's not. I never wanted to change her, I just would address my concerns and needs so maybe she could work on it like I would work on things for her.

[Turkish]

So this sounds like reciprocity which she chose not to, or is unable to return. Or maybe she can,  but right now can't. 

[CryWolf]

So this sounds like reciprocity which she chose not to, or is unable to return. Or maybe she can,  but right now can't. 

yea for the last month and half of the relationship, I felt unappreciated and used. No more intamacy, romance, holding hands, kissing, nothing. Her depression got worse, her mom was in & out the hospital, school got extremely hard, but she wasnt opening up to me about any of it. Just breadcrumbs about it. This made my anxiety worse, as I felt she was slipping away and I had to overpursue which then caused her to call me needy and break things off.

[AustenJ]

Same thing happened to me... .at one moment they want you to pursue and at the very next moment they don't... .it's the diabolical push/pull dynamic of BPD. Once the idealization phase is over, the intimacy is gone and the relationship feels one-sided. And every moment of every day becomes really hard work in trying to validate their feelings... .I loved her so much that I didn't mind and I kept supporting her right up until she left.

You mention breadcrumbs... .no one can live on just breadcrumbs. You are correct about the pursuit... .the more I pursued, the more she pulled away. When I carried on with my own life, that's when she wanted me back, only to push me away again. She told me about an ex boyfriend she first got together with 5 years ago after college--he's an engineer, nice house, nice guy, a competitive athlete and she said that he was always the guy she would see herself being married to and having a family--the fairy tale. This guy was the fantasy that she always kept on the pedestal throughout all her other relationships, but she left him dozens of times throughout those 5 years to enter into many, many other relationships, but she always returned to him between every failed relationship! So he was her primary attachment, not out of love as we know it, but something deeper and more disturbing. While she was living with me, "the love of her life", this guy was moving out of state and she totally melted down... .started to spend every night with him, started drinking to black out, stopped coming to work... .

[AnonP]

This sounds just like me. Please refrain from unhealthy coping mechanisms like excessive drinking. It's so tempting but you're just hurting yourself in the longrun. Make sure you don't have her number or see her social media and in time, you will start to think about her less. It's really tough. I'm in your stage now but I know it gets better because I've had it before. Stay strong

[CryWolf]

Hey everyone, so today was pretty eventful...

It was the last day of my semester. My anxiety has been pretty high because it means its been one whole semester me and my ex have not been together. The longest separation yet.

Today however, I asked my classmate out on a date. she said yes. So after our exam we drive to the city and have a romantic night, and she throws so many signs at me that shes interested. She kept giving me googly eyes, etc. We had a ton in common. My ex wasnt even on my mind anymore. This girl told me how confident I seem, and im so smooth. She even told me how she hasnt laughed so much in so long like she has with me... (maybe BPD idealization? im being wary, and taking it slow) she also kept asking I was having a good time, a way few too many times. Shes drop dead gorgeous, like she could pass off as a model. So i see some insecurities.

So I drop my date off at her apt, and then meet up my female friend at this karaoke event. A bunch of students from our school are there. Then I see someone my ex used to be friends with. There was an open seat next to him, and I introduced myself.
Then he asks, "oh wait are you ____ ex?" and I said yea, and he fist bumps me. and im like what the heck? in my mind. And I know they stopped being friends a long long time ago, so Idk why he brought it up or even knew we broke up. Plus he has a girlfriend, so Idk why im relevant for him? I asked him, how he found out? and he said something along the lines of how they havent spoken in a long time. They stopped being friends over a year ago. Me and her, only broke up 5 months ago, unless he mistook me for my ex's exbf who drives a similar car as me but different color. I know my ex and him were friends when she datedher ex. so idk. Doing my best not to ponder, plus everyone at the karaoke was drunk. Im probably looking too much into this. He then whispers somehting in his friends ear, and then the friend starts talking to me about cars, (we all have a hobby of working on cars). I tried not letting this get to me, but it did.

I was pissed off, but didnt show it. Right when I forget about my ex, finally started moving on, find a nice girl... Then, boom. Something brings my ex back in the picture. Them bringing up my ex, opened up so many questions that im trying not to overthink. Then a few minutes later, the girl I went on a date with texts me how she had a lovely time with me, and wanted to know if i made it home safe, etc.

My female friend, also told everyone at the karaoke place why I was late and i was coming from a date with a gorgeous girl. i think she did this for fun and good intentions. I think if anyone knows my ex in there, it will probably go back to her.

Everything seems so much right now.

Summer vacation now starts, and i dont get to bump into my ex anymore at school. The anxiety of seeing her with someone else at school wont be there.

I can see what im doing in a way? Im trying to date, and meet someone new because It will take away the thoughts, if my ex is probably with someone new. So everything Im scared of that she may be doing, Im going out and doing? Im not looking to get into anything serious, just have fun and experience.

Is it some sign, that when my ex stopped being on my mind, she popped back up from an outside force?

This sounds just like me. Please refrain from unhealthy coping mechanisms like excessive drinking. It's so tempting but you're just hurting yourself in the longrun. Make sure you don't have her number or see her social media and in time, you will start to think about her less. It's really tough. I'm in your stage now but I know it gets better because I've had it before. Stay strong

Hey AnonP, thank you for reaching out. Im glad my story can help you. I have many posts here, dating back to february. I drink wine, or some liquor on the weekends, but thats about it. It helps not think about her on the weekends, sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesnt.