Trying to change my reactions

[Nani D]

Hi everyone,
I am looking forward to these interactions, just re-read "Stop Walking on Eggshells"--I realized I was getting angry at the BPD person in my family, this silent anger was hurting me, and I could start to feel some pity for her... .  She is the caretaker for our mother except when I can visit.
We can't talk sensibly about our mom's care or future... .If I imagine trying to have a phone conversation, I feel very nervous/anxious about her hostility!

[Kwamina]

Hi Nani D

Welcome to bpdfamily

Dealing with a BPD family-member can be quite difficult. Your profile says that the BPD person in your life is your sibling, is that correct?

You mention getting angry with her, what is the main reason you were feeling that way? Is it because of the difficulty in trying to talk to her about your mother's care and future?

It's a bit of a cliché, but knowledge truly is power when it comes to BPD so I think it's very positive that you are reading up on the subject and reaching out here. Has your sibling perhaps been officially diagnosed with BPD or any kind of other disorder?

The Board Parrot

[Turkish]

What is she hostile about?

[Nani D]

Not sure if I'm replying in the thread--will see!  There is a cycle of anger going on
involving care of our mom (elderly, lives in her own home)... .  I go to help and often when
I do something, even simple things, for example bringing in some plants, my sibling removes them or lets the plants die. It makes me silently "fume" to see the home environment deteriorate needlessly. (I have offered to hire an aide but this isn't happening.)  Another example, my mom is often in her nightgown, kept kind of docile in my absence... .If I make a suggestion, I am usually told to "mind my own business"--that can escalate into her calling me names, ranting about past unrelated events, telling me to leave and worse.  This is a  short version of the situation... .

[Turkish]

 It would be frustrating to be raged at when you are doing little things to make it more comfortable. Do you feel that your mom is being abused in any way? Does your sister live there also?

[Nani D]

Our mom is not being abused, but she is neglected at times, care is not consistent, e.g.
meals, meds... .  sister is often distracted by her own symptoms, a kind of self absorption... .
and self medication going (alcohol and other)... .

[Kwamina]

Hi again Nani D

Being raged at is quite unpleasant indeed.

I think abuse can take many forms. Neglect and inconsistent care could for instance also be seen as a form of abuse. Even when the actual intent might not be to abuse, the end results might still be the same.

Do you perhaps feel that the way your sister behaves and treats your mom, is having a negative impact on your mom's well-being?

[Nani D]

I think  my mom adapts to the way my sister does things when they are
alone---is able to
appreciate the good things; when I am with her, my mom does always
say she wishes I could stay, that things are different when I am there... .
she (mom) is almost 100--and has some memory lapses, is kind of
childlike compared to her personality up until a few years ago... .she
is also very resilient... .She did get upset last week when my sister had
a couple of "tantrums" with me and with our cousin... .