step 4 memory avoidance

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hiya!  I just want to pop in and say good luck, happy healing and you've got this... .just in case you do not check in tomorrow.   

 Here's to happy easy healing and no more pain!

[Harri]

Hiya!  I just want to pop in and say good luck, happy healing and you've got this... .just in case you do not check in tomorrow.   

 Here's to happy easy healing and no more pain!

[Kwamina]

Hi deirdre

Joining Harri in wishing you good luck and a speedy recovery  

[deirdre]

Thank you Kwamina and Harri! Surgery went very well, I have been able to walk around today (probably because of pain meds) but they want me to be able to walk about a mile tomorrow. I did not expect them to want me to be this active so early! I am not complaining though, that means I should have a fairly quick recovery 
The Dr. said my uterus does have adeno in/on it and in about 10-15 years I will have to have a hysterectomy. But I am glad I get the time that I do! He will tell me more about it when I have my post-op appointment in a couple weeks. Hoping it doesn't cause me too much pain long term. I am so very grateful today though to have had this surgery and not be as out of it as I was my last two surgeries.

All of the good thoughts you guys sent my way today have been appreciated!

[Harri]

Yes!  It is wonderful news that you are doing so well!  I've been hoping you would feel up to logging on today, so thanks for the update.

Walking... .it does a gal good after surgery... .or so they told me.  

[Kwamina]

Thanks for the update deidre! I'm very happy that things went well Ever seen a smiling parrot?


I'm also glad that you still have some years before that other procedure. It's still quite significant, but I like your positive attitude in focusing on the time you do get

[Harri]

Because sometimes the day after is worse than the day of: 

  <--- not as good as a smiling parrot, but I hope the message comes across!

[deirdre]

Thanks for the balloons and smiling parrot!

Because sometimes the day after is worse than the day of:

Yup today was not as great as yesterday, the better pain killers wore off last night. Not feeling as on top of the world now. I don't think I walked a full mile, but I did make sure this evening to go out and walk around the yard some. Which I am sure helped long term, but it hurt pretty bad afterwards. I know I gotta keep pushing forward though.

[deirdre]

Kwamina I am finally getting back to your question.

How would you describe the relationship your parents have?

The short description of how I see their relationship is that they are 5 (non-mother) 8 (uBPDf) year olds playing at marriage. Like when a boy picks on a girl at the playground and the girl goes home crying, only to be told by the adults that he must like her and that is why he is being mean. So then the girl starts to see the teasing as how love is expressed and is extra nice to him since he must like her. Especially in the instances that he isn't being mean and brings her a ribbon from the fair. This is my current analogy for their dynamic.

In reality they are affectionate when things are going well. They kiss and hug and hold hands etc. They are two very  different individuals though and their brains work so differently they just don't "click". As one of my siblings explained it, it is like they speak two different languages and one tries to say "I love you" but in the other persons language it translates as "You are an ugly Donkey". So neither of them feel like the other one understands and they both invalidate each-other because they both have different needs. My father is often very emotionally and verbally abusive to my mother and belittles her often, she is his main "safe" person to project all of his emotions onto. While my mom plays the victim and doesn't know how to not be a victim, but then she also plays the rescuer because he is ill and has to be taken care of and rescued. They both switch between the roles pretty fluidly. So it is a relationship of "love" built form fear of the unknown and being abandoned with very little respect for each-other.

[Harri]

How are you?  Better I hope. 

Is your family helping you enough?

[deirdre]

Hi Harri
I am doing better, this evening has been rough. I over did it earlier today, too much standing and walking without enough brakes. Then I thought some light stretching would be a good idea. My body tonight is telling me that it was not a good idea. My family has been helpful while I have been out of it, yes.
Thank you for checking up on me   

[Harri]

Hi there.  How are you?  Still healing well?

Have you been able to talk with your mom about her having a safety plan?  what about your own until you move?  I might be mixing up threads here... .

Thinking of you.

[deirdre]

Hey Harri, I am still on the mend I feel like I am healing up well. I still haven't talked to my mom about a safety plan or worked out out myself, thanks for the reminder I kind of forgot about it. I have been a bit out of it, but I guess that was to be expected during the first part of this healing process. I have been doing quite a bit of avoiding my own emotions and thoughts though since surgery. I needa dive back into the game because its making me feel extra ditsy. That is also do to being tired though and needing more downtime, but more downtime means more time with myself. I seem to be a master at avoiding myself though, I am learning it is going to be a hard habit to truly break.
I have a counseling appointment tomorrow and last time she said if I wanted to dig into my memories and such I could. Since she won't have but a couple more weeks with me. Still haven't decided if I want to, because I want to get it over with. But on the other side I have really low energy as is and don't know if I want to do that kind of healing along with the physical now. Might be better to do that kind of digging when I don't live here too. That way maybe I will have less triggers right there as I uncover new things. Ah, decisions, decisions.

[Fie]

Hello Deirdre 


Happy to hear your healing is going well.

How did your session go ?

x

[Harri]

Hi!

it is okay to take a break at any time but especially after having surgery!  It is good that you know you need to get back in the game though, even just a bit.  I am glad you are healing.  

I seem to be a master at avoiding myself though, I am learning it is going to be a hard habit to truly break.

Oh yes!  me too.  My main way is to dissociate though that has gotten much better with therapy.

Might be better to do that kind of digging when I don't live here too. That way maybe I will have less triggers right there as I uncover new things. Ah, decisions, decisions.

I agree.  See what comes up in therapy though.  You may find that you want/need to poke around a bit at the harder stuff.  If you do , know you will be able to handle it.  You have us, you will be moving soon (!) and you have some friends to help you along.  You've got this, whatever happens.  

[deirdre]

Hey,
 my T session went good last week decided not to delve deep into anything. But it ended up being a good session none-the-less. I started my class on Friday, man am I feeling the time crunch now. Between a lot of reading and studying I need to do, packing that I need to do and friends I want/need to see before I leave all with only 1 week left. Also praying that my car gets fixed in time, my father decided to fix my air conditioner before I leave. I am trying hard to keep myself motivated and moving, since I don't have time to be lazy. But also trying to balance the fact that I am still healing and need downtime.
I am also really feeling it that I am actually leaving. Kinda feeling like the family has gone into the honey-moon phase and now that things are calmer externally and internally I am thinking of all the things I am going to miss about it here. It is a good thing I already have all the plans made to leave, or I would probably stick around for another cycle. It is good to appreciate that good things though, not to dwell on the bad. There is such a balance to try to stay out of denial but focus on the good. Either way I know I have great new adventures ahead of me, just hard to leave the old adventures behind no matter how bad some of them have turned out.

Also on another note, it was kind of hard today being Fathers-Day. I struggled all morning with the holiday. I felt like I "should" tell him happy fathers day and that I am so lucky to have a him as a father. Like I see so many people doing, saying grand things about their fathers, even fathers I know are not that great and that the children making those claims are not on good terms most of the time. I didn't want to be mean by not acknowledging the day and him, but also what about authenticity behind my words, why say things that I don't believe right now. But do  I really not believe those things? I love him and some days think he is great and that I am lucky. I really felt lucky last week, I went to an AA meeting and really just felt so lucky that my dad has been sober the past 4 years after his last relapse. But is feeling lucky that I live in an alcohol free environment for the greater portion of my teens really such a  great thing? He is the one that had the drinking problem in the first place. I know his sobriety has lead me to being sober for this long  though, the knowledge of not wanting to go down the same path he did. So I feel lucky and appreciate him. At the same time I feel so disgusted by him and find it hard to appreciate the damage done. Oh well, at the end of the day I settled on telling him I was lucky to have a father that cared enough to fix my car for me. I think it was a good middle ground, being true to myself and my current emotional state, while also observing fathers-day to a degree  and not being rude.

[Kwamina]

I started my class on Friday, man am I feeling the time crunch now. Between a lot of reading and studying I need to do, packing that I need to do and friends I want/need to see before I leave all with only 1 week left.

So you're feeling it too, I thought it was just me!



One step at a time, one day at a time

Either way I know I have great new adventures ahead of me, just hard to leave the old adventures behind no matter how bad some of them have turned out.

I understand Deirdre, because in spite of everything, it is/was still your home and they are still your family.

Oh well, at the end of the day I settled on telling him I was lucky to have a father that cared enough to fix my car for me. I think it was a good middle ground, being true to myself and my current emotional state, while also observing fathers-day to a degree  and not being rude.

I am glad you were able to find a balance that felt right to you. You actually did something here which shows several elements from our article about validation:

Let's first look at the importance of being true and authentic to ourselves. If we can't be true and authentic, we are sacrificing ourselves for the benefit of another, and we are most likely enabling another person's dysfunction. This helps no one.

For these reasons, validation is never about lying, it is not about being ruled by the emotions of others, and it is not letting people "walk all over us". We never want to validate the “invalid”.

Validating someone's thoughts, feelings, or beliefs does not necessarily mean we agree, overall, with what they are thinking, or feeling, or with their behavior.

So, the first thing to learn in validating others is to be able to identify something to validate in a "sea" of conflict that is both valid and important to the other person.

Take care, the Board Parrot is rooting for you

[Harri]

Thanks for the update Deirdre.   

Leaving home is a big step.  How's that for stating the obvious?    

But is feeling lucky that I live in an alcohol free environment for the greater portion of my teens really such a  great thing? He is the one that had the drinking problem in the first place.

I guess you can call it lucky.  Could you be feeling a sense of relief that the last 4 years have not included alcohol in the mix? 

My T caught me saying I am so lucky in life and challenge me on it and I would list all the reasons why I felt so.  Each one was me comparing my situation to one worse or to how bad it used to be... .all the while denying just how bad things still were/are.  I do believe in acknowledging the good that happened but I got lost in it.  It is good that you are aware and are seeking more balance.

Crunch time?  You've got this!  I feel better knowing Kwamina as usual is being helpful and is willing to share his snacks!