I think he went camping, away w o.w.

[juju2]

Hi family,

So I am trying to be patient, meanwhile, my Sep untx BPD is living it up.

At our last coffee, he said he was going to get 4 cans of dog food.  He does that when he is going out of town. He has our dog.

He forgets that i know his habits.

How do I not be the fool here.  So he is checked out.

Oh yeah, his dtr gave birth yesterday to his grand dtr.   Not a peep, nothing from him.

I see him going farther and farther away from people who love and care for him.

This dtr, when i first met him, 2007, he said he would always rent a two br.apt, in case she would come home.  He has 1 dtr, 1 son.  Son is estranged.

Anyway, his dtr hasn't seen him or heard fm him in over 6 months.

She told me today, I am her mother, as far as she is concerned. Her bio mom passed away many yrs ago.  Drugs.

All i know, after 10 yrs, we had both sets of kids living w us at different times, I love them.

I love my kids, his kids.  None of them is perfect.

Am just at a loss now.   All i know is keep reading here, reaching out. 

Am trying not to judge, taking care of myself, and at the same time not enabling.   Tall order for recovering co D.

Thank you,  j

[formflier]

The thing is about speculating and figuring out what they are doing... is that we never really know.

We've spent a bunch of brainpower and we still don't know.

Can you think of where it might be wiser to spend that brain energy?

FF

[juju2]

I appreciate what you continue to say.  You f, have been constant.  You have consistently said we don't know what is going on.  I only knew one person who spent time w a guy she didn't really care for.  Our time is too precious.  For him to ignore his dtr, that part I really don't get.

True I don't know.   I do know a few things, people who spend time together want to.
People do what they want.  People don't do what they don't want.

Oh well, like you said, what other use for brain power.  I don't know, frankly.  Read a book.  Help a homeless person.

One of the things i do is vent here.  This is my safe place.

I feel in some way it is a push.  What do you say F.

Thank you, j

[juju2]

All this is, me wanting things to be different.  How many here want things to be different.  It's a exercise in futility.

 I can create the life I want.

Guess the important thing is to allow/not cut off people for the choices they make.  If someone doesn't spend time w me, it hurts.  I cannot allow myself to be defined by what another person does or does not do.


The concept I am looking at is respect. How does my life, my thinking, show respect for people and myself. I am just learning what it is about.  Am looking at respecting myself and others.  For me it is the opposite of being selfish and i want respect, want to give respect.  I can see that my focusing on what another person is or isn't doing is not respectful.  I don't want to be that way anymore.

Thank you all for listening,  j

[formflier]

All this is, me wanting things to be different.  How many here want things to be different.  It's a exercise in futility.

 I can create the life I want.
 

So... .there is a place in all of this to be truthful and frank with yourself.

What is it about me and my role that I want to be different?

What is it about someone else and their role that I want to be different?

The approach to each of those is vastly different.

Thoughts?

FF

[juju2]

Hi F

What is it about me and my role that i want to be different:
 am working on myself so that i dont focus on another person, what they do, say, don't do, don't say.  So I want to be there, that person, now.  I want my co d to go away, now.  I want to have a special person in my life again.  It hurts being alone, living alone.i can continue to work on myself, and make healthy choices, that make me happy. 

What is it about someone else... .  : I want that person to want me, to want to be with me.  And I cannot change what he wants right now, what or who, there is nothing i can change about him or anyone else.  I can only accept.  There is nothing i can be, do, or have that can make anyone want me, want to be with me.  I am powerless over him.
All there is on this is to accept, draw boundaries, and be at peace.  (am very far away from this... .very far)

All i can do is live the life I have, help others, and be grateful for all of the blessings.  Nor focus on what I don't have. 

Thank you everyone, f, for listening.

[formflier]

  So I want to be there, that person, now.  I want my co d to go away, now.  I want to have a special person in my life again.  

So... .I count three things... .

how many of those three do you primarily control... .and how many are under control of someone else?

I'd split each of those up... .and spend some time thinking about what you can do and come up for each of those things with

1.  Stuff I'm doing already... .but I need to put more energy into.
2.  Stuff that is brand new... .to start exploring to address each of these.
3.  And perhaps the big one... .is there stuff I'm doing that affects or is supposed to affect one of these... that I should STOP or perhaps reduce.

FF

[juju2]

Hi F

What should I stop:


All thinking, obsessing, etc about him and o.w.

Any help is appreciated.

agree on 1.

2.agree.

3.  This is my blind spot.  Help.

[formflier]

Probably a good place for me to pause and let others chime in.


While pausing I'm going to spend time reading the article below.  I would encourage you to read it as well.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

Additionally... .I would encourage you to look through bpdfamily's "library" of articles and such and find another one that you believe can be applicable to you situation.  Post it here with some thoughts about how it may apply.

This is a process to be diligent about... .no rush.  You don't want "quick" answers for your life.  I would argue YOU need answers that you have developed through a reflective process.

FF

[juju2]

I will be in recovery for my whole life for co dependency.  Have the tendencies.   What I can hope for, and what I see, is a lessening of those tendencies.  With 12 step work, service and unity, I can deal day by day with this defect of character.

That article helps and describes accurately co dependency.

Thank you for suggesting that reading, f.

[juju2]

Hi family,

When was in my al anon mtg,  got a text fm him, when can the animals all be together... .and then, and i want to install the faucet... .

I prayed today for a sign.!

What does this mean.  our animals love to chase and play, i think its a positive sign :0)