"My replacement" -- what are we saying?

[Skip]

Generally, people refer to their ex's with sentences like, "my exwife's new husband"or "her new guy" or her "current boyfriend".

Here, many use the term, "my replacement" to refer to the new guy/gal.  But when we get a new partner, we never refer to them as a "her/his replacement". We never refer to ourselves as the prior partners replacement.

It's often not "replacement" - it's "my replacement".

Words can sometimes tell us how we think... .what does this phrase "my replacement" imply? Does it help us or hurt us use it/think this way?

[juju2]

Hi Skip

All i can say, is how come we need titles.

It makes things controllable, makes me know where someone stands in relation to me, and unless someone tells me who they are and why, how, etc, I don't want to make any assumptions.

basically isn't helpful to me. 

Appreciate the topic, j

[zachira]

I believe "my replacement" implies that someone took my rightful place in the relationship and that I am entitled to be with my former partner for life no matter how badly I treat him. A lot of people think that a relationship is unconditional love that will never end like a parent loves a child.

[Harley Quinn]

To me, "my replacement" implies a level of awareness that I was fulfilling a need/needs of his which he was then having fulfilled by another.  In some ways, I found the term widely used here to be helpful in detaching as it allowed me to view the situation objectively and as almost transactional.  He is ill, has maladaptive coping mechanisms and seeks someone to attach to in order to achieve what he feels is his only time of security, stability and safety.  I had no feelings towards the new girlfriend other than sympathy and concern for her physical safety and emotional wellbeing. 

The way I viewed it when I left him was that I served a purpose and when I no longer served that purpose he replaced my role in his life with another who was potentially willing to fill it.  It also objectifies us and the new love interest, which is something we are subject to when in the r/s, so seemed to fit.  His toaster stopped making toast.  He got another.

Love and light x

[Skip]

I believe "my replacement" implies that someone took my rightful place in the relationship and that I am entitled to... .

From the context, I think this is what it implies to many members... .especially the word "my".

His toaster stopped making toast.  He got another.

From the context, I think this is what it implies to some other members... .

Are these healthy thoughts for us after a relationship fractures?

In your relationship (anyone), do you feel this entitlement is healthy post relationship thought?

Or in the second case (anyone), were you were unable to detect that your role in the relationship was completely void of meaning - or was there a lot more to the relationship than that implies?

I think my point is that use of the word, "my replacement" while intended to be slight toward our partner, isn't it actually more of a slight toward us. Aren't we actually making our suffering greater by embracing this narrative as reality (not a rhetorical question)? Should we search for a more realistic narrative? Might that lead to faster healing?

In my case (and everyone differs), I think I was the love or her life during the honeymoon stage of the relationship which lasted for over a year... .and she put everything into the relationship. When we hit the normal stage 2 of falling in love (feeling of engulfment and asserting independence that everyone goes through), she was disappointed and resentful for all the sacrifices she made (e.g., like extended mirroring) and things went down hill from there. Her disappointment. My reaction to resentment (making it worse)... .yet we struggled to hold on for a couple more years before folding.

This is my story, yours will of course differ, but this ties all the pieces together in a far less. She was sincere from the beginning but her resentment grew over time and we could not resolve it. And yes, she was brutal in the late stages of that resentment.

Food for thought.

Look forward to feedback on the questions above.

[once removed]

Aren't we actually making our suffering greater by embracing this narrative as reality (not a rhetorical question)?

"depends"

my original understanding (as i first came to learn about BPD) on this buzzword was an emphasis on our exes overlapping the relationship, or having a back up before the relationship ended.

my ex did that. some people do that, some of them with BPD traits. my ex was also sneaky about it (hid our relationship), and then tried to hurt me with the reveal. and the ex before me for that matter, clearly wasnt even aware that they had broken up.

did it help me to understand that this was a coping style for her, in order to depersonalize it and not see myself as some object that meant nothing, that she just threw away and never looked back (a narrative that definitely would have increased my suffering)? it did. did it help me feel less alone that others had been through a similar experience? sure.

i dont think we need a universal buzzword to describe that. it gets to the point where our exes start dating in a few weeks, months, and somehow that is surefire confirmation that our exes have BPD.

of course its not as if all was well for me and all of this happened out of nowhere, and if that had remained my narrative id have learned nothing, but it took me a while to get there. the truth is that i had bailed for a while emotionally and physically. she read the writing on the wall, neither of us had the guts to end it, she looked for attention elsewhere, and she started attaching to others. poor coping style on her end yes, but poor coping style on my end, and none of it really a surprise.

[Cromwell]

Generally, people refer to their ex's with sentences like, "my exwife's new husband"or "her new guy" or her "current boyfriend".

Here, many use the term, "my replacement" to refer to the new guy/gal.  But when we get a new partner, we never refer to them as a "her/his replacement". We never refer to ourselves as the prior partners replacement.

It's often not "replacement" - it's "my replacement".

Words can sometimes tell us how we think... .what does this phrase "my replacement" imply? Does it help us or hurt us use it/think this way?

It sounds more like something I would say if I was fired from a job and someone else got it. In the context of this forum, ive came across often the idea that the partner of the pwBPD had a "caretaker" role, and catered to the needs of the pwBPD. The "replacement" in this context, is someone else that was perceived to be a better caretaker. Unfortunately this resonates loudly with my own experience, I wasnt replaced as such, but when my ex cheated and triangulated, the phraseology she used was along the lines that this other person would be perceived to serve her needs better than I could.

So yes, I see it in context as being a replacement caretaker and the person seeing themselves as having that role, not as a boyfriend or girlfriend - which as you say is the normal way of saying. I actually struggle very much to define exactly what my role was in this r/s, ex boyfriend would be the obvious choice to use, but it gives the impression of normalacy where in fact this r/s was the most abnormal thing ive been through. Equally to call myself "ex caretaker" doesnt fit either. Maybe some sort of blend between the two.

there is often a feeling of bitterness of having being "used" by the pwBPD, after they have moved to someone else, often unexpectedly. So in that context I can understand the term "replacement", it is an indication that the new partner is not a boyfriend or girlfriend either, for they are destined to just adopt the caretaking role that the "replaced" held prior.

[Wicker Man]

It's often not "replacement" - it's "my replacement".

Skip you bring up an interesting point.  Words have meaning and words have power.  We make word choices sometimes cognizant of a words connotation and denotation, and other times we make these choices without much thought -perhaps on a subconscious level.  I can see why the my in 'my replacement' is complicated at least and may even be destructive. 

I have left my ex.  I use my here because in the past she was mine.  Since leaving her I have written about my concerns over her future choices.  In my detachment and ongoing quest for recovery and some level of understanding --I have found it necessary to first and foremost stop caring about the choices she is likely to make -she is no longer under the umbrella of my care.

The use of the word 'my' in any present or future tense would imply she is still of my concern.  I use 'my' freely in the past tense when discussing her. 

In reading your post I realized it would not have occurred to me to refer to her next boy friend as my replacement. (Ok... .  perhaps this is simply arrogance -I am not replaceable)  All joking aside -replacement perhaps also has a connotation of continued involvement with the relationship.

It sounds more like something I would say if I was fired from a job and someone else got i 

-Cromwell

Yes! This is precisely where I am trying to go with this.  Replacement implies you lost a position you still desire.  Some of us were left by our lovers, others of us felt we had to leave for of self preservation -all of us are here trying to make sense of a painful experience which lies in our past and ultimately move forward to an emotionally healthier life.

The use of 'my replacement' maybe a manifestation of latent desire and connection.  Please don't get me wrong I have bucket loads of latent desire, confusion, and compulsion regarding my ex --but I am, day by day, attempting to extinguish these feelings in a healthy manner -therapy, lots of reading and having the stuffing beaten out of me by Cromwell and others here on this board when I need it.

I had not, whether consciously or not, been using 'my' or 'replacement', but I had fallen into the trap of hyperbole.  'Scars which will never heal'  I was called out on this and have since been more careful in how I conceptualize and describe my healing process. 

I do not want to reinforce a destructive and false notion.  The scars on my psyche will heal --but it may have taken longer with the continued use of the word 'never'.

Skip -thank you for your thoughtful post.  It is desperately hard to step out of a system and observe it -to find the fortitude to observe and analyze one's own actions is remarkable.


Wicker Man



 

[truthbeknown]

Skip,

what if we could interchange the word "replacement" with "objectified".  I was OBJECTIFIED... .

I am guessing that replacement implies that we were just some object for the personality of the BPD to play with.  Someone on here once described a cat analogy where the cat wonders the neighborhood looking for anyone to feed it.  Once it gets that attention it will stick around for awhile until it finds another source.  So maybe replacement personifies it for us and allows us to admit or come to turns with the fact/feeling that we were just being used in some way.  Maybe in detaching we can say, "i was just another source of emotional stability for her?"  or something to that affect.   For me personally, i do feel like i was just some object and when she contacted me after being with a new man, i felt even further objectified; like she was just looking to see if i would still be a source if her current guy (feeder) suddenly stopped.  Maybe she was starting to feel engulfed by him and wanted to see if there was still a source of emotional need filling left with me?  who knows.  To use the cat analogy, I metaphorically answered the door, and kindly said, "I don't have any food here for you kitty so please only come back if you want to be an indoor cat."'  It was the hardest thing to do and i still sometimes tell myself i was "replaced" and wonder what is so great about the new guy.

One last thing about the replacement concept.  I have struggled for a long time wondering why i didn't have value for her?  Somehow the question came to me the other day:

WHAT IF I MET HER JUST TO RECEIVE THE GIFTS THAT SHE GAVE ME AND I WAS NOT THERE TO IMPROVE HER LIFE OR DO ANYTHING FOR HER? CAN I EXCEPT THAT I WAS JUST SUPPOSED TO RECEIVE THE GOOD THINGS THAT I GOT OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP AND NOT OBSESS OVER WHY I COULDN'T BE A GIFT FOR HER?

I started thinking of the gifts that i got out that relationship.  Some really big ones.  Truthfully, i wanted to share those gifts with her and not take them and move on with someone new.  But if i wasn't a gift for her, if i didn't come into her life to be a gift for her could I accept being in the receiving mode versus having to be the giver? 

Could it be that we get caught up on the replacement because it diminishes our ability to be the "gift" for them and that so many of us are givers, we had our right to give taken away from us so to speak and that is why we feel that we were replaced?  I'm toying with this concept now of just being the receiver from that relationship and remembering the gift of everything i received during the IDEALIZATION phase.   Maybe borderlines are just able to give and not receive?  can we accept that we were just one of many on their journey that they gave to.   What if we are like little train stations and they are by nature the train that must move on and go to the other stops?  We may not want the train to leave, but by nature, the train comes and goes.  When they leave and come back it's just the train running its route in the opposite direction but it does have a schedule to maintain (or so many of us have found out).

Goodbye train- please don't stop at my station when you come back through- this station is no longer an active stop on your route

[TheSomberlain]

Because the disorder is recognized as an attachment disorder. And practically parasitic in nature. A leech doesn't care of the opinions of it's blood supply. A non disordered person understands this. We have a sense of self. Having dated one for 5 years and now divorcing another after a 3 year marriage, I, and most nons understand how they operate. They turn and burn through friends and relationships. They go after a new supply like clockwork which will ultimately go through the same parasitic process. "My replacement" is acknowledging that our feelings, interests, morals, personality did not matter. Especially when the next host shares no similar characteristics and neither did the former. They seem to quite frequently have contingency plans to avoid being alone. Akin to sports teams have players on a bench ready to, and here it is, "replace" a player who is showing signs of fatigue or under performance.

I appreciate your forward thinking, Skip. Which is needed for healing. But there has to be some hard truth. I agree, we need not be bogged down by worrying about our "replacement." We need to focus on ourselves. I began to detach from my relationship due to neglect and lack of appreciation. They sense this. My wife in turn started an affair with another person who is going through a divorce. I caught on and she started her smear campaign to absolve her guilt in her mind and to her family. But what some members can't seem to grasp is that their partners are mentally ill. They constantly try to apply logic and normal emotions to a situation that has neither. There is a lot of self blame that I see on these boards. Self love is lacking.

My issue was I wanted an attractive partner that would keep up with my libido. And I got that for awhile. But in my marriage, I recognized things were not right and the gas lighting and overall abuse turned me off and I began to detach quite soon after. I had posted years ago on these boards after having an epiphany that a prior ex had BPD. But what I didn't grasp was the prevalence of it. At the time I met my wife I was in great shape, finished a graduate degree and had attracted many of the women in my work place. I chose the one I found the one that I was most attracted to and easy to talk to. Suckered again. But having experience from before, I soon realized what I was dealing with. The pain I have is substantially less than from my first run in. I am frustrated but feel sorry for her. The last one made me feel broken and ashamed. My wife moved out less than a week ago and I feel relief more than any other feeling.

It takes two to tango but sometimes you gotta strap on steel toe boots when they're stepping on your feet and know when to end the dance.

[SlyQQ]

A relationship with someone with BPD for a person with BPD has almost nothing to do with the other person.

As always everything is always about the person with BPD , the other party and there persona are just changes in the window dressing.

Hence you are discarded and replaced as deemed apropriate (but maybe recycled  , the script remains the same but the supporting actors may change.

personally i never thought of myself in those terms, (it seems something with more  in line with what my ex would think subconsciously) poor sucker springs to mind.

[Sunfl0wer]

Interesting thread.
(Apologies I did not read every post within, skimmed.)

For me, I see our love for our “objects desire” and love of “the person they are” as two seperate things.

So Part of me loved my ex
He was brilliant, ... .in my eyes, he was clever, funny, playful, responsible, etc.
This is my love of the person.
(Im making this crap up so these are my invented terms unless I accidentally gathered them from somewhere, idk)

Then, before meeting this man... .
I had ideals of what a partnership “should be” and what would create my own “happily ever after.”
This was what I call my “love object/ objects desire, idk”
This is where my heart had dreams for “what we could be together.”

So I took a year or so off from dating post break up.
However, I am dating now.

I “accidentally” fell in love with a man who I feel is wonderful in many ways, yet just not a good time in our lives.  We broke up maybe a month or so ago but remain good friends.  (He has a new partner, I would not call her my replacement at all.)

I am aware that I have strong urges to “replace” him.  
I feel those urges are that wound from my hearts desire to have a “love object.”

I feel if I hop into a new relationship with this raw hurt feelings without doing the introspection that allows me to heal my wounds and gain distance from this man emotionally, then I will be simply replacing him.

However, if I allow my hurt feelings to exist and nurture and heal my wounds some so my feelings are no longer raw towards this man... .and then I decide to venture into a new relationship... .well... .then I have the potential of learning to love somebody new all over again.

Yet, if I stay raw, simply throwing my raw feelings at a new man, imo, this is what replacing is.

Or is just how I currently see it.

... .

I think someone else did say it... .that using the term replacement can help us to look objectively at the exs attachment to us.  I know it helped me a lot to think of his attachment to me as not so personal if I realized it was more about filling a hole within him to get love than it was about a whole man trying to share love with me so we could share love between us.

I think the term has potential to be helpful.