I want her back but can’t read her signs

[Shawnlam]

Many of you read her last text to me in previous posts ,I still can’t make light of it. Telling me she is in love with me twice and telling me she does not want to let me go ,and still doesn’t yet she said goodbye... .was this a test? See if I’d beg her or ask her not to ,or she’s hoping I text her ? Or is this her letting me go nicely because she doesn’t want to hurt me ? Because she has someone else ?  ... .I want her back but was I causing her to be ill? Anxious and confused ? Was I hurting her and by reaching out to her hurt her more?

[Starfire]

I don't think you should make light of it, but I do think you should take her at her word.  She doesn't want to continue the relationship.  Regardless of anything else she said, she was clear about that.  This is a rare opportunity for closure that most BPDs are incapable of providing.  Take advantage of it.

[Shawnlam]

Well I couldn’t help it and we texted last night.It went well she told me about how Here boys keep fighting because they are all staying in a 31/2 apartment and she can’t take it anymore... .she screams into a pillow at night to blow steam off.She says she has seen her therapist twice and it’s hard but feels better .She also said she didn’t want to let me go, she misses having me around her and she loves me.She said I was a sweetheart and that she doesn’t understand what I see in her.She said “ you kill me you know, I don’t know what you can possibly see in me, you are pretty amazing “ and she said your extremely forbidden (not sure what she meant by that).Then she said you are a sweetheart heart  but also f$$ked ,But me to I guess sometimes I dunno it just works but it’s strong vibes going through .”
So all I All I just said to her ,it’s not a lack of chemistry or love so don’t close the door on me just yet... .she answered what ever just open it when you get there.

So not this weekend but next weekend I’m gonna invite her out to breakfast when she doesn’t have her kids maybe Saturday mouser if she accepts .Take it from there

[Wicker Man]

So not this weekend but next weekend I’m gonna invite her out to breakfast when she doesn’t have her kids maybe Saturday mouser if she accepts .Take it from there

If you are going to begin this relationship again what makes you think it will be different this time?  Do you recall the pain, confusion and dismay you expressed here?

Does this look familiar? --It is from your thread. 

1: I’d never touch a married man I wouldn’t want a woman knocking at my door in anger. Fact: she flirted and slept with married men or taken men all the time
2: I’m a one man woman Fact: she cheated on all her bf’s
3: I’ll never do anything to hurt you on purpose Fact: she did it all the time
4: My ex bf xyz was such a cheap guy Fact: she told me two days later He pampered her and paid for everything
5: I haven’t smoked pot since I was with <name> and it was only once Fact: her called smelled of pot and she said she smokes all the time
6: I never chase people once they are gone Fact: she texted me after I broke with her the first time

I understand how it feels to miss someone with BPD, but I also believe I understand the gravity of what it means to continue a relationship with someone suffering from this disorder. 

If you are willing to do so -I would strongly suggest you re-read everything you have posted here before making your brunch date. 

It is your life to live.


Wicker Man

[Shawnlam]

Yeah all good points ,I’ll be perfectly honest I don’t know why I started talking to her again.Im not too sure anymore what I’m doing at this point,seems my emotions are ruling my judgement purely like I’ve become her as a side effect.Does it make sense when I say that I’m feeling less and less ... .love or affection for her? Is it the 5 year friendship I miss most or the relationship version.Honestly when she texts me now I don’t get anxious like I used to , I feel kinda normal instead of gitty like a fool.The longer we are away from each other the less and less I’m thinking about her.Last night I felt lonely so we spoke by text and agreed to have breakfast next week if we were both still up to it... .just to catch up .No talk of reigniting the friendship was hinted at,and oddly I’m ok with that.

I’m back to weightlifting,motorcycling with friends,and even booked a trip to North Carolina with another friend.Im also on a dating site to get my confidence back and it’s working .

Wicker man ... .I don’t know why I did that last night but I don’t feel bad about it or nervous or expecting anything at all? It’s like I didn’t want to lose her totally in my life ,I appreciated her as a friend for 5 years and it was like losing all of it was unacceptable?

[Wicker Man]

I don’t know why I did that last night

I am simply playing devil's advocate.  If I were you I would do my best to figure out clearly what your motivation might have been.

I don't know you or your ex, but I do know how hard it would be for me to talk to my ex and not be drawn back in.  Part of her allure during our idealization phase was her hypersensitivity and uncanny empathy -her innate ability to know what I wanted and needed to hear.  I do not believe my ex-lover was ever consciously trying to manipulate me, but I was swept away.

I adored her, but I cannot and will not have her in my life on any level.  My impulse to 'save' her would drive me to madness -she will very likely continue make terrible relationship choices in her tumultuous future. 

If she starts drinking again... .literally anything is possible.  If she chooses to walk this road again I do not want to witness her destruction. 

She is a beautiful and sensitive human being -she is just no longer mine.  I tried to help her through her pain and found in doing so it would have lead to my own destruction.


Take care of yourself. 


Wicker Man

[Skip]

Yeah all good points ,I’ll be perfectly honest I don’t know why I... .

You say this a lot when members question why you do selfdefeating things... .Do you think it has anything to do excessive alcohol.

If you want to detach and move on because you've seen the light (as you say), then getting drunk, trolling dating sights, and contacting your gf in hopes of getting a coffee date in two weeks is not a good plan... .

If you want to Save the relationship, beating her down for weeks, going to a detaching board and trashing her, trolling dating sites, and drunk dialing is not a good plan.

You posted the other day that her values were inconsistent with her actions... .How about yours?

We would like to help you, but you have to want to help yourself.  This is an anonymous support group and the biggest benefit is that we can check our egos and not worry about social embarrassment and get real help. But we have to be honest with ourselves and each other and seek constructive advice - not just validation of our changing moods.

Let me ask a hard question.  You have said, clearly, that she cheated on you - had sex with another man. You have also said clearly that this is not true. And then have gone back an implied it again. This very important fact changes with your mood. You know some of us have seen you contradict other significant facts... .we've pointed it out.

Don't you want to exit the chaos (one way or another). You have hold yourself to some level of discipline here, if you do.  

Everyone here has been through this... .You can get real help here.

[Shawnlam]

Well skip I can’t argue the facts that one I’ve been drinking  heavily since I’ve been with her .I also know she cheated  yet deny it myself a lot.Frankly to sum it up she destroyed me ... .I used to be confident , arrogant, high self esteem and now that’s all gone ... .that’s the truth

[Shawnlam]

I hate everything of what I’ve become ... .even on the BPD forum I’ve looked foolish maybe it’s time to just check out ... .and go about my life and stop being a damn fool

[lighthouse9]

Hey Shawn,

We're giving you some tough love here - but I think you're strong enough to handle it.

No need to check out. If anything, check in. You're getting called out, sure, but that's also an invitation.

Are you in buddy?

[Skip]

and go about my life and stop being a damn fool  

Shawn, many of us (74%) came here depressed. I did myself. And it manifests in many ways. You are showing many signs of depression. As was mentioned before, this includes a lot of cognitive distortions:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56199.0

Members can help you dial back these distortions if you engage the process and ask for help. So far, you have strongly rejected or ignored members who have tried to "pull you back into the spaceship".

1. You are self medicating. That's not a good idea. I would post about it and seek help in finding a way to move away from this. You can get day to day support in that here. This will take some time to work.

2. You are on dating sights. This is not a good idea. Healthy people will recognize that you are in emotional distress and reject you (and that will hurt really bad right now).  Unhealthy people will take you in and connect with you (this is how many of our members got into BPD relationships to begin with - being vulnerable to idealization and ego building). No evil here, it's just human nature.

3. You are steeped in "all or nothing", "black and white" thinking. You need help in fighting this back. Most senior members can help center you. You may want to get a meds evaluation and get some anti-anxiety medication and use it very carefully to take the edge off when the emotions swing. It's fast acting and you can take it in small enough 1/2 or 1/4 doses to clear it in an hour.

You're a 41 year old guy with drinking issues and an attractive girl who is 12 years your junior. She is also a single mom on overload and maximally stressed out and who has a messy 20-something history. You had a 100 day honeymoon which is over and the two of you have really struggle to understand and care for each other since - she is not respectful to your needs, and you are not empathetic of her needs. You both know how wonderful it can be, but you have since whacked each other hard enough that you are in now in a 100 day love/hate relationship.

There is a lot to unravel here to get on a constructive path for you... .more than one way to go... .and there are members who will walk with you every day, whatever direction you chose.

It's complex stuff.  People can help you. But, you have to reach out and work with it.