Headheldhigh
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 32
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« on: May 03, 2018, 09:10:59 AM » |
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Hello.
Its hard for me try to explain all of this, I am a BPD in treatment for more than 15 years, when I decided to begin therapy i was one step towards destruction. After years of coping with this problem, a lot of books, endless quantity of therapy sessions, I though I found a nice, loving, motivated, and caring partner, I couldn't see it before, she show later some symptoms I also show before. We start a long distance relationship 3 years ago. She is living in another continent than me, when I met her I was going out from a hurtful relationship (as my typical relationships), she used to told me about her ex gf too, which has cheated on her several times, and that leave her (my ex) alone for another woman. My now ex used to tell me she love her a lot but she couldnt come back again with her because that turns a toxic relationship already (thing that makes me believed she were aware in when stop bad relationships, didn't realizing that actually this is part of a pattern), after months of flirting she told me she was feeling something for me, so we decide give it try even though we were 13 hours by flight apart, I was afraid to try it, but she was making me feel worthy, special and as if I had just found a gem in the swamp I was in that moment, the first year was amazing, constant calls, a lot of details by her part, and I was still struggling to give myself into the relationship because of fear, she was constantly there, she even booked a flight to visit me and known my friends during holidays, this reassure me she was serious, she prepared romantic evenings and she was so caring and loving, I was on heaven, she was the most loving person I have ever met, she continuously let me know how much she loves me and how special I was and how much she admired me, In a second trip to visit me (6 months later of the first time we see us, (1 year already of relationship), she proposed to me, and I didn't hesitated on saying yes. we were in love or at least I tough that, the time difference was a real issue, when I was working she was waking up, we start having small discussions, because she wanted to know about where I was all the time, or because I didn't say good morning or because I was working a lot and took me time to answer her, i used to slept at 3 am for me to speak with her in her "free time" after work. She became totally jealous, even trying to enter in my social media to check if I was with someone, she was constantly telling me that if I stop giving her love or attention she would leave, because she didn't want me to be so cold, I was constantly apologizing, she would get totally angry if i didn't came on time to home to speak with her, i tried all, she was in and out fo the school and saying she couldnt manage study and work at the same time, and problems with her family (also not so stable), she was responsible almost of everything on her family and every time i was asking her to please try to leave home and go to a place alone, she would get mad and tell me offensive thing and tell she wasn't unconsidered as me, or ungrateful, she used to ask me for help anytime she has a problem with the school and one time 2 years ago she was playing while i was trying to explain her the class, I got angry and I let her know, she use this all the time later to tell me she was afraid of asking me for help, but anyway she was asking me and I was helping her, I was also helping economically whenever she needed, or paying for the plane tickets and holidays in order to see each other, we start planning the wedding, where to live, how I would move from the country i am now to be close to her, or to the city she is in now, I was trying to do my best for manage all the stress in my work, the problems in the relationships, the controlling behavior, the fights and make ups, the problems with my supposed lack of attention towards her, I was trying so hard, but when the fight became to often and too offensive, I started realizing she had similar problems and behaviours than me before my therapy, I encourage her to seek her, but she said she wasn't me, she wasn't BPD that I was seeing this in every single place, we continue fighting a lot and i got tired and break up with her nd told her i love you but you are stoping my progress please, go to therapy, please see help and until you dont do that I can't come back to you, after a month she told me she was in therapy, and that they would give her pills, I saw a change, she was more motivated, deciding what to do, she was more relax, more compassionate, the fightings reduced a lot and I get the hope that we could manage it, she didn't wanted for so long to go to therapy because she was all the time telling me she was afraid the if she goes there she would realized the the best for both is separate, and I told her the therapist would never tell you what to do, will be your guide and your peaceful space but not tell you anything like that, actually the therapist and psychiatric dr. constantly tell her to appreciate more what I was doing for her, things improve but when the pills refill were having problems she was more angry, more aggressive, i used to asked her to call the dr. and she was telling me all the time that if i didn't love her without pills? that I just wanted to make her in my way of see the things, that she wasn't feeling herself anymore, that she was getting fat and sad, and everything, but if the pills come back she was fine again, a lot of stress happened in her life and with the family and she start drinking alcohol with the pills, she was chaotic, and I was living in constant stress, I was trying to help in everything, economically, as emotional support, as listening everything but was not enough she continuous telling me i was always working, i was all the time angry and stressed, i was never happy, that she saw i was tired of her and i wanted to leave her, even though was not like this. she became more and more distant, sh come to pass 1 month with me last christmas and she was more in her cellphone, i felt her distant, but she was continuously telling me she love me and i was still the love of her life, she proposed again to married, we were planning the wedding and all of that, and when she come back home, after few weeks we started to fight again, and I was worried about the alcohol, she was angry all the time that i shouldn't control her. before she used to tell me I will go whenever you go, I need to live with you and married with you already. but then after 1 month of seeing us she told me she was deciding to go to another city or maybe back to her country of origin, and that she would not wanted to come to see my graduation because she wanted to go to her country and see her friends, i said ok, but why aren't you including me anymore in your plans, she said i didn't know i need to ask for your permission, is not fair you are asking me to go and visit you all the time and that i can't go to see my father and friends because of that (when months before she was telling me how much she would dream to be with me in that time, that doesn't matter the money or anything). I was more and more stressed because of my work and we have more fights and the periods of reconciliation were each time more prolonged, on one day later of our anniversary, she broke up with me, telling me i love you and i dont deserve you, this is too much, already toxic, we are fighting to much and we can continue i would stop your progress. I tried so hard to come back I beg I plead, i asked her why? is there another one, she denied so much, is not for anyone else, i would not erase the tattoo with your name from me, or take your picture from my wallet, but i can't come back, i can't be with you more, but i love you more than anything, I said then i need to cut contact with you because i can't hav more hopes if you dont love me, then i won't want you to contact me, she said i adore you but i can't be more with you, you are too intense, too sentimental, you are the problem, you are alway angry you made me feel alone and single, i love you but you are too much for me. I was so hurt and i tell her please dont look for me more please, she said then i will blocked you so i dont have the temptation. All my friends have her in their social media, and one show me a picture of her with another woman just 10 days after the last time we have contact, then publications of being single, and having sex in motels, and pictures of trips with emoticons of 2 women kissing, and telling this are the best holidays i ever have, I love you baby. I was destroyed, I felt so ashamed so betrayed, I wanted to break any contact and I asked to a friend to ask for the money she is owning me (1k) and she answered I would contact her, I said I dont want to her contacted me because i know she is with another one, and then she sent an angry voice mail to my friend telling basically, I never cheated on her, we broke up because she is tired of me and I m tired of her, this relationship is toxic and I can't stay here because we would hurt each other more, I dont care what she believes, I have my clear conscience, whatever I do after i broke up with her Is my f... .ing life and my problem and she shouldn't care at all, because I dont care what she is doing. That just broke me, just 2 months later and she is with another one?, traveling? telling her she loves her?, telling me I shouldn't care? Im broke, im lost I dont know how to come back to my feet, Im anxious, im scared to even look for her because i know she would behave like she did with her ex, laughing about the person that look for her, and because i dont wanna beg anymore, im destroy, lost, depressed and I really need help to get over this.
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