How do i stop myself?

[lostandconfused6]

Things have been relatively good this week *knock on wood* but today makes 1 year since  i found out  "the other girl" was going to his house... .the picture i was sent popped up in a memories app that i have that pulls pics from social media, camera roll, and other photo storage apps. I am trying so hard to forget that day and all the other days and times i found things out but it's really hard this week

Everything he is doing and saying i am questioning, as of today he is finished with school, well he calls me a couple hours ago and tells me he has to leave early tomorrow morning to go to church (which he is completely against) to meet someone his parents know that knows people that could possibly get him a job... .bare with me i know this sounds a little overly analyzed but he has a terrible relationship with his parents ( ive mentioned it in my other posts) he can't stand being near them and everything they get involved in goes wrong... .so why would he take time away from me to run to do something that they are involved in an have lied to him about countless times? Then i text him a little bit ago and he calls me and tells me he may have to hurry and hangup when his dad gets home because he doesn't want him to listen to what he is saying, yes his dad is nosey but that was a weird disclaimer to make why not just text me?

I am not allowed at his parents house and live about a hour from him... .he swears everything with that girl is over but when certain things take place that were similar to how he was acting when she was around make me worry. when he says all this stuff about his mom but hes "texting her" 4 or 5 times a hour (i;m not allowed by his phone), or when he is telling me these seemingly off the wall reasons why he has to leave early, or telling me he will have to get off the phone in a hurry. How do i get over this? 

Part of me wants to think he is going out of his way to explain things to me so i don't think he's hiding things and that's his way of trying to rebuild trust? but he ends up looking suspicious... .and he wouldn't call me if he was doing something wrong he would just text right? or is he doing more because he thinks i won't catch on? I try so hard to supress these feelings and thoughts but it is really hard with what has happened in what i consider the recent past... .and i have told him so many times what i need to make me trust him but he doesn't do it actually almost refuses to do any of it... .is it because he has to do things in his own way?

I do so much for him and put myself through so much, as i know almost everyone does that has a pwBPD,  i don;t want to end up looking stupid and getting hurt. I can deal with a lot but cheating or her being in his life at all isn;t something i can put up with. I need advice on what i can do in regards to this! or am i just being  ridiculous? is it possible to forget?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi lostandconfused6,

Sorry to hear you are feeling so worried, confused, and uncertain about the state of your relationship!

Are your instincts usually right on these issues? Has he promised not to do this and it's happening again?

What do you need most right now?

with compassion, pearl.

p.s. hopefully others will join us soon with their insights and support!

[Sparky5]

I do so much for him and put myself through so much, as i know almost everyone does that has a pwBPD,  i don;t want to end up looking stupid and getting hurt. I can deal with a lot but cheating or her being in his life at all isn;t something i can put up with. I need advice on what i can do in regards to this! or am i just being  ridiculous? is it possible to forget?


Hey there Lost,
     Some people are able to forgive and move on after an episode of infidelity and others are not, it is a question that only you can answer. For me personally, the answer is no. For me, when that bridge of trust has been destroyed, there is no going back though I did try once, and found it to be to difficult.
     It's a painful situation you're in. Have you ever tried journaling?  Sitting down and putting pen to paper can be a great release and going back and reading your entries can show you your progress or, in my case, your lack thereof, which can help you see patterns in your own behavior. Let me give you an example. A while back I went and had a visit with my parents and was talking about my slow motion breakup with my s/o. My mother acted like she didn't want to hear it, had heard it before, and I just needed to move on and be happy. I actually apologized for feeling horribly sad. Then it hit me. She had done this to me since boyhood. Back then I was sent to my room for expressing anger, frustration or sadness and told not to come out until I was "happy". This is a HUGE revelation from childhood that journaling helped me to discover.
     :)idn't mean to hijack your thread Lost, just to let you know that you might want to write some things down, it really does help. You deserve fidelity, trust and a non abusive relationship, not someone that is going to spend intimate time with another and make excuses for it. You are worthy of honesty and love and I understand how hard this is first hand. Stay close here and keep posting.   

-Sparky

[lostandconfused6]

Pearls and sparky thank you for the reply!

In the past when it was for sure going on my instincts were right all the time down to the smallest thing like a text or him acting funny because he was on his way to her work... .i think he was a jerk at these times because he knew in his heart he was doing something wrong. He has promised multiple times it isn't going on anymore and when i have had a feeling and actually dug into it everything he was telling me checked out, i didn't always check into every little feeling i had so stuff could be going on but the times i have there wasn't anything... .i think because in the past i was right with my feelings now i just sub consciously or maybe even consciously think that means they will always be right

I have no solid proof it is still going on just small things here and there that make me think they are, at least to some extent... . 

and just to be clear from what i know and have seen and dug into they were never physical when he was speaking to her behind my back but there was inappropriate texting and him saying things he never should have told her and also hanging out with her... .

he has told me he strung it on so long (and admitted it was crappy and selfish) because he needed to be ok with himself and know that he didn't end her marriage and find out for himself exactly what kind of person she was so he didn't hold anymore guilt or responsibility... .and he knew he would have time to make it up to me for hurting me... .this made me mad to the fullest extent and idk if it is true or not. Do you think it sounds like an excuse or legit? I can't ask my friends that don't have anyone in their life that has BPD because 1 thing i have learned  is a relationship with a pwBPD is a complete 180 from non relationships in a lot of ways... .

What i need more than anything is for him to get out of the town he lives in and far away from any chance of even running into her (she lives and works within in 5 min of him)... .1 thing he always told me is she had a way of making him feel guilty about everything and i don't want there to even be that chance... .she also got in good with his parents (who i have no contact with other than through my BPDbf) and i feel like they would go out of their way to push her on him, which in some ways they did... they know about me and what normal parents with any kind of morals would allow another girl to be in their house with their son that has as long term gf?

Sparky i have started writing things down so we will see how it goes

[pearlsw]

he has told me he strung it on so long (and admitted it was crappy and selfish) because he needed to be ok with himself and know that he didn't end her marriage and find out for himself exactly what kind of person she was so he didn't hold anymore guilt or responsibility... .and he knew he would have time to make it up to me for hurting me... .this made me mad to the fullest extent and idk if it is true or not. Do you think it sounds like an excuse or legit? I can't ask my friends that don't have anyone in their life that has BPD because 1 thing i have learned  is a relationship with a pwBPD is a complete 180 from non relationships in a lot of ways... .

What i need more than anything is for him to get out of the town he lives in and far away from any chance of even running into her (she lives and works within in 5 min of him)... .1 thing he always told me is she had a way of making him feel guilty about everything and i don't want there to even be that chance... .she also got in good with his parents (who i have no contact with other than through my BPDbf) and i feel like they would go out of their way to push her on him, which in some ways they did... they know about me and what normal parents with any kind of morals would allow another girl to be in their house with their son that has as long term gf?

Sparky i have started writing things down so we will see how it goes

i think this sounds plausible, potentially. once he’s started up with someone, even if it is just conversations, he does have a relationship of sorts there and it is hard to cut people out of your life that you care about and fill a need in some way. it is, or can be, damaging though.

i’d do what i could to make it safe for him to talk about this without fear of retribution. let him resolve it but also don’t let it go on so long that you are being hurt by it.

if he's willing to have her out of his life, than it is good to not have a way to contact her. but it can be hard to break habits. like any habit it may take a little time to break.

the parents may just not know what to do and don't want trouble with him by blocking her. or they may really like her.

[lostandconfused6]

According to him it is resolved and she is completely out of his life... .i have tried every way possible to let him feel comfortable coming to me and being open and honest and he swears he has been and he has asked me repeatedly never to mention it again so i do my best... .it went out for a year and a half and it hurt me more than anything i could ever imagine and that's what i am having a hard time coming to terms with is that he hurt me so much and it was almost like he didn't care because he didn't think i should be hurt by it... .in moments of calm and when he is "level headed" he is remorseful of it but he was also somewhat remorseful of it when he was doing it and lying to me about it... .and honestly not much has changed with him since "she has been gone for good" idk if he just acts the same regardless or what

he goes on and on about how being with a girl like her would set him back further in life than anything else ever has and he made a mistake ever being involved with her even before i was in the picture... .he felt guilt and obligation towards her (which i am 99% sure she helped with making him feel that way) for "ending her marriage" and he felt bad for her and her pathetic life and he has a hard time hurting people... .that last statement gets to me... .it's like him saying i couldn't cut her off and hurt her feelings but it's ok that i made you cry and worry every day of our relationship for over a year... .

his parents like the fact that they know she is worthless and nothing will ever work between them so he would eventually run home again just like he did when he was with all the other girls before me that had a lot of the same traits and qualities this girl does

and of course the other night i get a random phone call from my friend that lives in his town and she swears she sees him driving and that he pulled into the girls work and went to the drive thru, the kicker is he was texting me this whole time and the girl wasn't working at that time... .my friend said there may have been someone in the passenger seat but she couldn't really tell ... .i waited a little bit until when she saw him leaving the place and i texted him he swears he was at home... .he is a terrible texter and driver and he was texting me paragraphs with no breaks then about 8 min later he sends me pictures of his room and there was a clock in the distance of 1 of the pics and it lined up with the time he sent it... .1 or 2 min in this could make a huge difference as to if he was home the whole time or if he sped home jumped out of his car ran through his house and took the pic... .he didn't react like he normally does when he is caught he didn't yell at me or curse at me or threaten me he got upset because of the "lie" my friend told... .either he's getting better at this or he is telling the truth and my friend was mistaken... .there are a couple things in the story that don't add up on my friends end ... .but if he was in the car with that girl and he was texting me like that there was no  way she couldn't have seen it... .it's just frustrating... .because i also fully believe that girl would be ok with being a "side b*tch"

I like to think to i know my boyfriend and that he really is a good person with a conscience because he has shown me that before but i still have my doubts because of what he has done in the past and the bad i have seen he is capable of.  I just don't know what to think or do at this point... .i told him i have dropped this but i think he is smart enough to know it is still in the back of my mind

[lostandconfused6]

and it just keeps coming... .i ask him all the time to stay off his phone when he is around me usually he does sometimes it's a fight or he will make rude comments about it... .i feel that if he is going to hide his phone from me and not even give me glance of what he is doing on it then he doesn't need to be on it... .well saturday night he had to be on his phone because his sister was supposedly in the hospital and he was texting his mom she was staying the night there with her... .he sends me a screenshot this morning of a conversation with his mom from last night and there was a little bit from yesterday morning and  what had to be saturday night (that time stamp was cut off) but the text from what had to be sat night said her and his dad were eating at a restaurant no where near the hospital... .and he had told me repeatedly that his mom was sending him pics of the food his sister got and that she told him good night... .

As you can tell in this post the reason i am questioning this is because of the "other girl" when his mom supposedly sent the picture of the food saturday night i asked to see it and he said no... .so clearly he was lying then and now i feel these texts just proved it even more... .What do i do? How do i approach this? I can't keep living like this

[Radcliff]

lostandconfused6, I am so sorry that you're not feeling safe in your relationship with respect to whether he is paying attention to the "other girl."  Let me ask you what your goals are.  You are asking us what to do, but towards what objective?  What do you want to change?  I'm not entirely sure if I'm making sense, so if you're not sure what I'm asking, let me know and I'll try again.

You are fundamentally talking about issues of trust.  One of the best books I've read about trust in relationships is, What Makes Love Last:  How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal, by the famous relationship researcher, John Gottman.  I found it to be a good reference for how trust can work in relationships.

WW

[waverider]

What do i do? How do i approach this? I can't keep living like this

The issue is not the specific truths around any particular issue. You are dealing with a pwBPD, distortions, cover ups and manipulations (even if not with ill intent) are all part of  the disorder. It is a question of whether you can live with never knowing the full truth, and whether the demons of anxiety will cause you severe issues.

It is akin to living with an alcoholic and getting drawn into trying to count their drinks, it can't be done and the more you try the more it is covered up, until your suspicions become the reason they have "been driven to it" in their eyes, and down the rabbit hole you get sucked.

In short your suspicions will beget more cover ups, even little things get hidden and then grow into big things.It is essential to pull back and react only to those things that directly and visibly affect you. This brings you back to the essence of your question. "Can I live in an environment where I feel constantly triggered by a sense of mistrust?"

My wife seems physically incapable of undistorted honesty,. I have learned to accept that. It gets frustrating, but I dont hold on to suspicions and it passes. It is when you allow frustrations to compound that they build into residual resentment which in turn causes preemptive reactions from you.  Very few relationships survive once it escalates to that stage.