Is exBPD/NPD extorting me on purpose or is she oblivious to what she's doing.

[Newyoungfather]

Hello friends,
My udexBPD has always had a bad habit of shoplifting, which is one of the criteria of BPD.  When we where together she would tell me "just wait outside the store and pick me up, I only need a few things", little did I know she was making her rounds of shoplifting and using me at the "wheel guy".  One of the reasons why I didn't stick around or wanted to go out with her, is because I refused to be involved in her criminal behavior.  Lately she asked to come out shopping at a local farmers market with my son and asked if I could bring the diaper bag and stroller but since she has not gotten help, nor does she believe there is anything wrong with her, I refused to go out "shopping" with her.  I got a nasty email from her stating how I'm not an involved father and how shes going bring it up at the next custody conference that I "don't do anything" in public.  She also made it seem that all I do is stay in my house being a "bum".  If I bring up the shoplifting to her, she would just make an excuse and said "oh it was just a small amount, stop being so high strung"
If you have been reading my previous post, I really don't want to be around her, even at custody pickups however one of theses days I will have to be out together with her.

[kells76]

Hey NYF;

Lately she asked to come out shopping at a local farmers market with my son and asked if I could bring the diaper bag and stroller

Is this on your time or on hers? (You'll have to remind me if you guys have a parenting time agreement)

I got a nasty email from her stating how I'm not an involved father and how shes going bring it up at the next custody conference that I "don't do anything" in public.  She also made it seem that all I do is stay in my house being a "bum".

Oh man, the emails... .

One tool that I started doing after the kids' mom & stepdad sent a gnarly complaint was to switch the pronouns. So, part of BPD and BPD-type behaviors (besides shoplifting   , which I'm really sorry you have to deal with through her), is projection. She can't handle the negative stuff inside her, so she projects it out onto someone who is painted black, or the persecutor, or scapegoat. "I'm fine, and these bad things that have been done, or bad feelings that are happening, aren't mine! I didn't do them! It's that guy!" It's a low-skill coping mechanism for guilt, shame, and feeling bad, I think.

When she says you're not an involved father, etc, try reading it as this:

"I'm not an involved mother. I don't do anything helpful in public. I stay at home all day and I feel like a bum." I wonder if those are some feelings she's having that she can't cope with, that she's laying on you. Thinking about it that way might impact your ability to let it go. You know her better than I do, so let us know if this is on the right track or not.

That might also help you narrow down whether you need to reply to her email or not. If it's just projection and blame -- all about how awful NYF is -- you don't have to respond. If it's "Blame, blame, accusation, will you give Son his meds at 11:00, bad dad, accusation", you can write back, "Son got his meds at 11:00, thanks".

Keep us posted if this disengaging from her "shopping" requests this way is helpful, or if you want some other things to try.

Sorry you have to deal with this... .

kells76

[Newyoungfather]

@Kells76
This is when my son is on her custodial time.  We have a custody order set in place by the courts with refusal of first right.  I have been ignoring all emails that don't ask questions relating to the well being well of my son dictated by the court.  (my attorney told me to do this).  I don't respond anymore to her email allegations at all, it gets her really upset and then she gets desperate and texts me, "did you get that email" which I also ignore.  I'm trying not to purposely trigger her BPD as she see's me not responding as abandonment but if I do respond it just escalates into a fight, attorneys are brought in, wasted time and money, etc. Always a catch 22 with a BPD. 

On a side question, my exBPD has continually asked if anyone is living with me or if I'm seeing someone-Any thoughts of why she might ask this would greatly be appreciated.  If she is trying to get back together, good luck, and if she thinks sending me nasty emails is a way to win my heart, she better think again.  Sometimes I wonder how she thinks she can treat people so badly but then expect them to love her.

[ForeverDad]

My exBPD has continually asked if anyone is living with me or if I'm seeing someone — Any thoughts of why she might ask this would greatly be appreciated.  If she is trying to get back together, good luck, and if she thinks sending me nasty emails is a way to win my heart, she better think again.  Sometimes I wonder how she thinks she can treat people so badly but then expect them to love her.

Another possibility... .She would see you Moving On to another relationship as betrayal, rejection and yet another way to guilt and badmouth you.  She probably doesn't hold herself to the rules she tries to impose on you.  Would she tell you if she found someone?  My ex had at least two BFs, to my knowledge.  She never told me, but little kids are chatty so I heard their first names... .

If she did find out you were in a relationship, she could become more territorial on parenting and custody issues.  She could feel threatened that there was another woman encroaching on her Motherhood domain.

[Panda39]

Good for you avoiding the shoplifting trip to the Farmers Market.

All of this seems to be about engaging with you and keeping your attention on her, trip to the farmers market and wanting to know what is going on in your life, telling you what a bad dad you are (negative engagement is still engagement).

My SO's uBPDxw wanted to know all about me and my SO's relationship too.  She wanted to take their daughters on a trip and me and her ex/my SO to go too.  Why? So she could be play "happy family" even with me in it.  This from the woman who engaged in parental alienation, made false allegations of abuse, told her daughters that their dad had been having an affair with me while they were still together.  Not to mention that she had no money to send herself let alone all 5 of us on vacation.  Wack-a-doodle.   

She wanted to continue to be part of my SO's life when the relationship was over. Because of BPD, previous relationship dynamics with her ex, she would just try and roll over boundaries.  To him the relationship was over.  To her not so much, yes they were still connected by their daughters but she would use that to try and be even more involved with him.  This type of thing is why we talk about having boundaries so much around here.  We have to have them and we have to enforce them or else someone with BPD will just continually boundary bust their way into our lives.

You're doing a good job by not going to "happy family day" with your ex to the farmers market, by not responding to the email/text barrage and keeping your life to yourself. 

Panda39

[livednlearned]

My udexBPD has always had a bad habit of shoplifting, which is one of the criteria of BPD.

 

Shoplifting is not a criteria of BPD... .

BPD is a disorder that affects emotional regulation.

Emotional regulation combined with impulsivity and devastating low self worth can lead to self-harming behaviors that unfortunately affect others.

I got a nasty email from her stating how I'm not an involved father and how shes going bring it up at the next custody conference that I "don't do anything" in public.

What custody conference? Are you still finalizing details of a parenting plan?

I really don't want to be around her, even at custody pickups however one of theses days I will have to be out together with her.

Why would you have to be out together with her?

Is there something going on that leads you to believe she is extorting you?

[Newyoungfather]

@Panda39, thanks for relating to me, I try to keep low key, use BIFF statements when possible, hopefully she will learn soon that I don't want to engage.
@LivedNLearned-Yes your right, let me quick backtrack, I read that impulsity is a hallmark trait of BPD including shoplifting, reckless driving, etc so I just connected the two.  There will be a custody modification in the future, in PA either parent can file for a custody modification at anytime.  I am going to PM you some of the personal details about the extortion, I know you also answer a lot of my post/questions so you may get a feel for whats going on.