How To Move Abusive Partner Out As Peacefully As Possible?

[QBert]

Last week my female partner (we are not married) (who is undiagnosed, but we both acknowledge she likely has BPD (meets 7-8 of the 9 criteria) and I had a big blow up over me messaging a common friend over a current happening in social media.

During the blow up, she started throwing boxes of candy at me.  She paused in her throwing and was looking around her immediate area for other (history tells me, heavier) things to throw.  Fearing damage/more sever battery to myself or property from her throwing heavier things, I pinned her down until she calmed down, after which I let her go and resumed my shower I was about to take before she started throwing things at me.

It ended up with her leaving the house and staying the night with the father of her children the next day/night.  I understand he didn't treat her well while she was there.  He was drunk.

That's neither here nor there.  Over the weekend I went to visit my family, as I had planned before our blow up.  When I came home, she was back from her visit the kids father's house.  We talked -- at points she was screaming... .while I had raised my voice at a few points, I never screamed.  At a couple points she became violent, slapping and punching me, I had to subdue her (wrap her up) in order to prevent further batteries to myself -- at no point did I punch or slap her, or so other physical batteries except to restrain her when she would start to attack me.  She accused me of having an incestuous relationship/desires with one of my family members (the only person in the family I confide in about my relationship problems -- I confide in one other close friend, but within my family only this one trusted person in my family who I can trust will keep my confidence).  She threatened to kill/have killed the family member I confide in and others in my family s well as myself.

Between the whole weekend, the threats, the violence, the incest affair/desire allegations I believe I am done.

I own the house we live in.  I own it alone.  She lives there and does not pay rent.  I'm looking for suggestions on how to end this as smoothly as possible.  I want peace in my home, even if it's by myself.  She doesn't work regularly.

I care about her and I don't want her to end up in a worse place, but the allegations of incestuous affairs and death threats against me and my family members is really too much.

I hope this is the right sub-forum for this post.

[QBert]

I noticed I didn't leave a question in my OP.  My question would be: does anyone have suggestions on how to move her out of the house as peacefully as possible.  Even though she doesn't pay rent, under Michigan law she is a tenant and I would have to follow a court procedure that takes 3 months to forcefully evict her.  I can't imagine those 3 months would be very peaceful around the house.

[Turkish]

You've been on the board a few years.  Have you read stories about the risk to you by sending her during violent episodes? Are you documenting all of this,  including the death threats,  and have you reached out to a local DV line,  even on an anonymous call?

[ForeverDad]

DV and child abuse are common allegations made by people with BPD (pwBPD).  Incest allegations too, probably meant to disparage and demean you.  Before my separation and divorce I recall my ex ranting that I should go have sex with my married sister and my married mother who by then was in her 80s.  I was crushed and sickened.  Didn't stop her from continuing to berate and disrespect me.

If you have some of this conflict documented (detailed log, recordings or witnesses) then you may not have to wait 3 months, a protection/restraining order could have her out of the residence within days.  Of course, that would make it a public record which could trigger and enrage her even more.  I suspect she is ranting and raging in private scenarios expecting you not to disclose this and thus tarnish her public image.  One perspective to ponder is that if you continue hiding her misbehaviors then you could be contributing to them or enabling them.

Be aware that many protection or restraining orders start as ex parte cases where action is taken on your word or documentation only.  Such cases are usually followed a couple weeks later with a hearing in court to allow her to present her defense, and probably counter allegations as well.  Then it is up to the judge to decide whether to continue the protection while you take the 3 month slow boat in landlord/tenant court.

These are just my thoughts.  We members aren't lawyers and aren't necessarily familiar with your state or local processes.  You would do well to seek local legal advice in addition to your DV resources options.

Turkish mentioned 'risks'.  Something you did could have gotten you arrested.  You restrained her.  That can be considered a big no-no, even if your goal was only to limit her hurting herself or from breaking more things.  General advice in those situations is to leave while avoiding as much physical contact as possible.  Fortunately she was the one who left.  She is an adult and so it's not your responsibility that she chose to stay with a drunken ex.  This time you skated thin ice without falling through and getting wet.  Next time be more aware and alert of the risks.

Another caution, henceforth beware of your historical style of intimacy.  If she should later complain of being restrained against her will, how could you defend yourself to police or a court that you were not being abusive or worse?  You can't change the past history but going forward be exceedingly cautious if there is ever intimacy again.

[livednlearned]

I believe I am done.

Is there some second guessing there?

Knowing her as well as you do, how do you think she will respond when you try to have her evicted?