Advice from long-termers on backing off or space-giving?

[ShrimpAndGrits]

Hi there  
I'll zoom through the background info since I've posted some of it before. Last July I met the most amazing man. We clicked so quickly (I know, I know). After a couple of weeks he revealed he was being treated and recovering from BPD. However, due to some stresses in his life (his father had a stroke and he gave up his career and much of his life savings to care for his dad, who's recovered and now they work together doing odd tech jobs, which he hates), he has gotten lost in the fog again. I saw it coming to a degree, and he told me several times he could feel it returning.

About a month ago he shut me out. At first I thought he'd walked away, but he texted me every few days that he wasn't disappearing and just felt empty and couldn't talk to anyone. Of course he does go on with the parts of his life that he MUST: job, kids, but since nothing is mandatory about me, he refuses to talk to me most of the time. I have worked to be understanding and validating, and maintain my own interests.

Of course, occasionally I dysregulate too. It's hard to be abandoned like that, even though I know it's his illness and not who he is. But last night I started text bombing him until he actually called me (which, admittedly, is what I wanted). He said, ":)o you want to hear me lash out in anger? Would that make you feel better?"

I said, "Yes, absolutely. I can take that. Anything is better than a month of silence." But when it all came down he didn't have much anger toward me, other than my implying he wasn't taking his therapy seriously (but I based that on his own past admissions, which he conceded when pressed).

The main point of the discussion was that I needed to know he wasn't abandoning me for good. I told him meeting him seemed like one of the most miraculous things ever to happen to me, and I could not stomach the thought of anyone else. But since I don't want to be alone in my life, I am having to think on these things. So, "are you breaking up with me?"

He said he's thought about it, because he knows what this emotional shutdown is doing to me. He doesn't want to be alone in his life but sometimes he isn't sure he will ever be able to maintain a relationship. He hopes to get better, he says, but has "no faith" that he actually will. I believe he cares for me, though I base that on past actions, and not words or current actions (unless you consider that his silence is in part to avoid lashing out).

I told him that what I've said before hasn't changed. I want to be there waiting on the other side of this, when the fog lifts, when he's ready to resume. If a partner leaves him every time he goes through this, he will be alone (or bouncing from woman to woman) forever. He deserves better. He is such an amazing person when not lost in his symptoms.

I did tell him that he's not doing enough. "I don't ask for much. I don't think even one text a day would be too much, but you aren't even texting me once a week. I know it's difficult for you, but I NEED a small update every few days. Just say something like 'still feeling empty and can't talk. Will check back in with you Friday.'" He said that makes him feel like an a**hole, but I pointed out that leaving me in the dark for days and days is way worse.

I don't think this is too much to ask of him.

Why am I posting this? Maybe I'm looking for a little reassurance that there's hope for us. That there can be a happy ending or something resembling one. I don't live in some fairy tale where my love can fix it all, but I don't have any interest in throwing him away because it's really hard sometimes.

Also, advice on how to best give him space. I have gotten some really good advice here in the past couple of weeks on this topic, but am always open to more. Especially if you have the type of BPD partner who goes radio silent at times, not necessarily as a silent treatment or punishment but just because they can't cope.

I know it was kinda long. Thanks for reading, even if no response comes immediately to mind (I know I read a lot of your posts and don't know what to say because I'm so new to this).

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Fingerlakes]

Be glad that he at least knows what his issues are... .My GF is not to that stage yet. It's clear as day what the problems are, at least to me, but not her. Or maybe she knows, but has issues coming to grips with the issues. She's a wonderful person too.

I hope you can work through things with him.  Good luck to both of you.

[pearlsw]

Hi ShrimpAndGrits,

Nice to get to know you through your post! I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. I know how intense this can be!

This reminds me a bit like how it was for me and my SO during our first two years or so together - when we were long distance. It was much easier to dump me, I was disposable/expendable too, when he was overwhelmed. But even after we lived together he’d dramatically push me away and block me out even when under the same roof. It took me awhile to get it - he’d get overwhelmed and he’d shut down other than vital functions. And I was always the first thing tossed overboard. It felt very dehumanizing.

I think this created some kind of dynamic that both bonded me to him more tightly and at the same time…being with him made me feel so empty - like there was nothing there. I really wanted to relationship to work so when he came back it felt like the sun coming out again, but I also felt uncertain and unhappy.

I’d say that the pattern has been set. On the other hand, he’s recognized he has a problem and is doing some work on it. The only thing you can really control is changing your side of it - what can you do to feel better at these times and not be so wrecked by it? In your shoes I’d be sure I had other friends and activities to keep me going/busy.

with compassion, pearl.

[ShrimpAndGrits]

Thanks for the responses, Pearl and Fingerlakes! I do appreciate any and all insight.

Fingerlakes, I wish you best of luck with your gf. What a tough situation we find ourselves in.

Pearl, I had to read my post numerous times to see if I'd used the words "disposable" or "expendable" because dang if you didn't nail it. That is how it feels. I've told him that I feel that way, before, and he seemed genuinely stunned at the time. But he spent all these months using me as an escape from life's other stresses, and would never let me meet his family. I don't believe his conscious intention was to hold me over a trapdoor, but I think subconsciously he kept me in a position to cut me loose if need be (or to minimize the fallout if I ran, which he seemed to expect me to do for a while).

When I began to press for a little relationship progress, that coincided nicely with his current state of dysregulation. I don't think I was the cause of it, but my timing, while completely normal in the context of "normal" people, was damaging to him given what he was going through internally. For that reason he's put me on a shelf. I don't really take any blame for that, but that's not to say there's nothing to be learned from it.

Today I took a long walk and decided that if I'm going to love him as-is, because there's no changing this for him, I'm going to have to look at it as though he's at war. He's behind enemy lines, doing battle with a deadly foe, and there's no place for me there right now. He's wounded on the battlefield, and all I can do is stay faithful to him and pray. It is what it is.

Hard to get friends to understand. They seem to think, by and large, that I need to cut him loose and find someone without so much baggage. But what they don't understand is that if I'd presented to God a big ol' checklist of everything I ever wanted in a man, my BPDbf is that and more. In 41 years I've never met anyone I regard as so perfectly suited to me. I'm in love with his enormous brain, and that brain has a condition in its prefrontal cortex that causes him deep psychological issues, and you take the bad with the good. Everyone is broken to some degree. I cannot bring myself to even CONSIDER letting him go over this. It's not as though he's being abusive in any manner. He just went into hiding. And he's in a very selfish place, barely existing, and doesn't know how to care for anyone right now. But his true self will emerge again, and I'll be damned if some other woman will reap the benefits of that, only to hurt him when he gets lost again.

I don't know how to see this any other way.

And yeah, it's lonely. But it's lonely for him, too.

[juju2]

Hi Shrimp.

You are doing good, you found this community!

I am separated from my BPD bf, he and i lived together for ten years.  Apart now one year, for us to get healthy, I had become severely co dependent, stopped taking care of myself, he had become withdrawn, it was like we were angry roommates.  He and i are meeting up for short periods of time, usually neutral ground for coffee... .

Although in the last two weeks, he has been coming over to "our"house... .last week so the animals could play, and we had dinner together, first time in 6 months... .  then last nite he came over to get some things for his truck, most of his things are at our house... .

I have to be accepting of what is.  I don't ask relationship questions.  All i feel right doing is being loving and kind... .when we separated, he took it very hard, I see now he didn't understand... .

We did go to couples counseling for three months, the therapist suggested we start off very slow.very slow.  That is why we were just meeting for coffee once a week, and i didnt press for more... .

Sorry this is so long... .

I read on here, if they pull you in, that's a "pull"
and i learned here to only give a half pull back.
Say he asks me for coffee thursday... .

I would say ok.  I wouldn't say, after coffee, let's go to the movies.  That would be more of a pull.

Let's say I am waiting for him at our coffee date.
(This happened already)  it's 20 minutes past when we had agreed.  I text him, "guess we aren't having coffee tonite.  I was looking forward to our time.  Am heading home, good nite... ."

What happened, he called I am so sorry, I lost track of time, etc. I didn't do it on purpose... .

and i was just, it's ok, let's have coffee next week... I didn't make it worse,( I tried to make the upset minimized, not escalated... .)

Whatever mood he is in, I am half of that.  I help him get to stability by not escalating, being calmer... .It's a skill.

Take good care of yourself.  That's something else I learned here... .

j