Discarded, trying to understand and recover

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All, I posted a few days ago about my recent intense relationship with a man I am pretty sure is a BP. Really I think my central difficulty comes down to this: I am stunned and almost traumatized by his sudden absolute emotional indifference to me. For six-seven months, up until about two months ago, we were (apparently) madly in love and he was making all kinds of plans and couldn't go a day without communicating with me several times. We talked and shared and supported each other. Then came a rift (largely my doing), but not one I thought was anywhere near fatal. Now he is like another person - cold, business-like, has no sense of loss for our times together, declares it over, and looks at me like a casual acquaintance.

The sudden, absolute, and irreversible nature of his change from an almost obsessive love to utter indifference has my head spinning. I read that BPDs fight against losing a partner, respond with anger, and often yo-yo. This man fought briefly against what he perceived to be my abandonment (it wasn't) and then went into total freeze-out mode. He says his pattern is to bolt when he fears an abandonment because he could not survive another breakdown and that he never goes back. He says he knows he's leaving me in misery but that he can only care for his own survival. Can anyone please tell me if this sounds like BPD or not? He has never been diagnosed, although he sees a Jungian therapist for his lifelong relationship issues and depression.

[Emily303]

All, I posted a few days ago about my recent intense relationship with a man I am pretty sure is a BP. Really I think my central difficulty comes down to this: I am stunned and almost traumatized by his sudden absolute emotional indifference to me. For six-seven months, up until about two months ago, we were (apparently) madly in love and he was making all kinds of plans and couldn't go a day without communicating with me several times. We talked and shared and supported each other. Then came a rift (largely my doing), but not one I thought was anywhere near fatal. Now he is like another person - cold, business-like, has no sense of loss for our times together, declares it over, and looks at me like a casual acquaintance.

The sudden, absolute, and irreversible nature of his change from an almost obsessive love to utter indifference has my head spinning. I read that BPDs fight against losing a partner, respond with anger, and often yo-yo. This man fought briefly against what he perceived to be my abandonment (it wasn't) and then went into total freeze-out mode. He says his pattern is to bolt when he fears an abandonment because he could not survive another breakdown and that he never goes back. He says he knows he's leaving me in misery but that he can only care for his own survival. Can anyone please tell me if this sounds like BPD or not? He has never been diagnosed, although he sees a Jungian therapist for his lifelong relationship issues and depression.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Emily303, Welcome to the detaching Board!  What makes you "pretty sure" that your Ex suffers from BPD?  How did you hear about BPD?  Fill us in, when you can.  You mention a "rift" for which you are largely taking the blame.  Could you elaborate a little on what happened?  I'm sorry to hear what you are going through and can imagine how the sudden change on his part is hard for you to comprehend.

LuckyJim

[Wicker Man]

The sudden, absolute, and irreversible nature of his change from an almost obsessive love to utter indifference has my head spinning.

I experienced this precisely.  My undiagnosed lover suddenly stopped communicating with me.  I handled this famously well... .I couldn't sleep or eat, I felt like my world was crashing down around my ears... .  I was, at the time, unaware of BPD or this website. 

She and I went from frequent daily communication to nothing.

I sent her a text after days of hearing nothing from her "You are putting me through hell."  This finally got a response, but not what I wanted to hear.  The woman I loved so much replied "I know."

To put this into context  --just previous to this rift we were planning to get engaged.

There are some great articles on this website which may give you some insight.  Perhaps have a look at the articles under the 'Insight' tab.


Wicker Man

[Shawnlam]

Emily it is unfortunately how people with BPD work.It is a defense mechanism where they protect themselves by cutting off pain.Because their emotional intensity is super high they tend to avoid people who trigger it (past partners that stimulate bad memories). You are not alone in getting the cold shoulder ,but it’s not your fault .My present exGF with BPD has also pushed me aside but that’s ok now ,I understand why and I don’t hold it against her.

[Emily303]

Hi Lucky Jim, thank you for getting back to me. Yeah, I should’ve explained why I suspect borderline, but I have made a longer post a couple days ago and I didn’t want to be redundant. So now I will be redundant. This relationship again almost a year ago when I was traveling to another city. That’s where My ex lives and where we met.We spent a truly amazing week together, like nothing I’ve ever experienced. It seem like we were meant to be together - we had so many things in common. Interests, emotional tendencies,  desires for the future. And the sex was amazing. I’ve never met a man who was so passionate and eager from the very beginning. He wasn’t ambivalent at all!

So we started a long distance relationship. I saw him I half a dozen times in the next six months. On the second visit, he started talking about wanting to buy a house for us to live in together. I felt like this was moving too quickly and told him so. At the same time, the dream of living  with him in the house in the country was completely enticing. But I couldn’t persuade him to  slow down or back off of his desires to buy the house right away. We went and looked at properties in November, but fortunately nothing was perfect. I just wanted the whole thing to slow down. At the same time he started getting very needy and frequently jealous. He needed to communicate with me several times a day by FaceTime and by texts. If I was slow to respond he would get upset.  

He was very honest with me about his past relationships and how they have all been relatively short and ended because he had a tendency to bolt because of fears of abandonment. But he was also seeing a therapist and said he was very committed to breaking this pattern and working it out with the therapist. We had great hopes for our relationship because he went to therapy (a Jungian)  every week and talked things that were coming up with him. I was impressed and reassured by  his commitment to figuring out  why his relationships failed and how he could make this one succeed. So there we were moving along. I was very much in love with him and the story of his life and successes and difficulties.

I spent a month with him at Christmas. In many ways it was wonderful, but I also felt overwhelmed by his neediness and rather engulfed by his desires and sensitivity. I couldn’t really talk about my own needs or concerns without him breaking down into tears. And then there was the house as well.  At the end of this trip I went on a work trip and for a couple of days was out of communication, as I had told him I would be. He got freaked out and got very angry and jealous. After that, I told him I needed a break. I have my own issues with abandonment. I was adopted. I had told him this all along, but at that moment I really  needed some time to decompress and think about things and work through my feelings of being confused and a little overwhelmed . I also told him that I loved him and did not want to break up. My job had been suffering from neglect, and my life in general.

So it was like that.  I did take the next few weeks to think about things and why he responded the way he did and why I responded the way I did. And I felt like I gain some insight into the situation, although I still didn’t know what borderline was. So I went back to him after about a month and told him I felt a lot better and I felt like I really understood things better and I was ready to rekindle our daily communications and see him as quickly as possible because I missed very much and felt like I had a lot of enthusiasm for making the relationship succeed now.  But to my great and dizzying surprise he told me he didn’t love me anymore and that he was angry and hurt and you could never trust me again. He said it was completely numb towards me and there was no going back. He said that was simply the way he was. He could not risk another breakdown.

For the next few months I tried to persuade him that why I had pulled back and the aspects of my own history that made me do so. I also told him that we had such a strong love that now we could build on what we had learned from this rough period and build a stronger and more tender relationship, one based on a deeper understanding. But he didn’t agree with any of that or even seem to hear it. I explained to him about my own issues again and why I had responded the way I did. But none of that mattered. We have continued to FaceTime intermittently, and at times I have hoped that he would open up to trying again. But Recently it’s become exceedingly and painfully clear that is completely numb to me.

It’s like I’m talking to another person when I talk with him on FaceTime. I don’t even recognize him. He has no sense of loss or nostalgia for our recent time together. I find it chilling – haunting. I feel terrible that I took that time out a few months ago and hurt him, but I had no idea I was destroying the whole relationship. And predictably I now feel abandoned and grieving. I have said these things to him; he says he has moved on, has no second thoughts, doesn’t miss or think about me, and that I shouldn’t harbor any hopes that he will come back, although he would like to see ma again in the future as friends.  So, that’s where I’m at – stunned, heartbroken, and devastated. I’m wondering if the borderline framework could help me understand and cope. Thank you for any thoughts.

[Shawnlam]

Emily if I may chime in here , I did a similar thing to my exGF .I left her twice (once while she was pregnant and I didn’t know).Exactly what you are going through I went through as well.You see when you leave someone with BPD it’s technically their worst nightmare coming true (even if it’s justified in your eyes or heart because they treated you so poorly). I’m sure just like me ,knowing now what we were actually doing we may have not taken such drastic steps however we didn’t know.
With that said my ex like yours distances herself immensely and like you I questioned how can someone who loved me so much and all those great times just up and go emotionally and physically.Well the very best thing you can do is read the many stories here of exactly that happening to everyone and the systematic almost text book steps on how they do it.The number one think to always keep in mind is what you are dealing with.Human beings with BPD disorder or traits aren’t wired like us and hence don’t react ,think with logic or common sense like we would.Those past moments may hurt them or if they do think of them , they won’t tell you.I believe they do think about us (their ex’s) but we are just too intense of a trigger to keep going because we proved we once left them ... .getting that trust back is effectively impossible and the next question you need to ask yourself is : is it really worth it? In the long run?

[steelwork]

Hi Emily 303. I don't know if your ex has BPD, but I do know he sounds a LOT like my ex, and as Chico Marx says, "That'sa no good." I did the same thing a few times with him--tried to slow things down--with similarly disastrous results, though it took a longer time for the relationship to fatally implode. I'm several years out of my sudden ghastly dumping, and I know just what you mean about the horror of seeing that totally different person.

Just yesterday I happened to come across something I wrote to a friend after the last phone conversation I had with him. He had already moved on, in his case to someone who was more or less my (self-appointed) nemesis. I was trying to be nice, because I was still imagining things could be fixed. I told my friend:

"He said he'd changed--that he'd closed off, was not opening up so much anymore--trying to find strength within and not from other people."

Could that be what's going on with your ex? I think when someone has such a problem with getting their strength from other people, it becomes all or nothing. Either total dependency or total freeze-out.

Can I ask another thing? Do you feel done with him? If not, that's totally understandable. But I think answering the question might be helpful for you.

[Emily303]

Thanks Sean lamb, that’s a fairly astute question. No I don’t feel done with him, and yet he’s made it painfully and emphatically clear that he is done with me. So I’m trying to turn what remains of my interest and love and desire for him into different projects - art, writing, and gardening.  I need to be very disciplined about not reaching out to him. He’s eager to respond, but then throws it in my face that he’s moved and nothing about me or our past touches him.

[stixx44]

Emily,

Your story mirrors mine exactly.  She mentioned to me that she had a fear of abandonment early on in the relationship.  Her longest relationship lasted 3 years, and she’s 66 years old (a red flag to be sure as she’s extremely attractive, fun, and smart) and has had many, many r/s).

She also warned me that “she never goes back.  People become irrelevant to her” when she’s done with them.

Unfortunately for me, I believed her hype that I was “different,” “the one,” “special.”

I was not.

We had one major turning point where, looking back with clearer eyes, I can see how she thought I was leaving her.

We had planned a trip to another state for my nephew’s wedding.  However, we had a falling out three weeks before over something minor, and I wound up going alone.  She did watch my cat while I was gone, and we decided we would discuss our r/s future when I returned.

We were never the same after that.  She said I left her and she could not forgive me.  And she never did.  We broke up officially three weeks after I returned, and that was in October.

Aside from a short recycle in February, we have not had contact, and I don’t expect to hear from her.

I didn’t mean to hijack your thread, but you can see the similarities here and in numerous other posts.  It doesn’t make it easier for you, but know that in time you will feel stronger. 

So yes, people with this illness operate on these fears.  Yours may come back in time.  Shoot... .mine may too, but I think too much water is under that bridge.

Keep posting here... .there are many smart people who will help you process your emotions day to day, minute to minute, as they will change frequently.

Wishing you peace and strength,

Stixx

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Emily,

I also felt overwhelmed by his neediness and rather engulfed by his desires and sensitivity. I couldn’t really talk about my own needs or concerns without him breaking down into tears. And then there was the house as well.  At the end of this trip I went on a work trip and for a couple of days was out of communication, as I had told him I would be. He got freaked out and got very angry and jealous.

From what you write about his behaviour prior to your taking a break, I'd say that taking a step back and some time to think clearly about things was a sensible step regards self preservation.  Things were uncomfortable for you and when we feel that sort of discomfort it's an indication that our boundaries are being violated.  You've said that you also have issues of your own, yet it seems you were unable to speak freely about your own feelings without a dramatic reaction on his part.  I'd imagine you were walking on eggshells around him?  :)o you imagine that things could be different if you were to recycle the r/s and why?

Quote from Feel like writing to your ex?

I am afraid I am at the point where I would just say to my ex:

Please come back, please come back, please come back. We both said that what we had was so rare; isn’t it worth fighting for? We were so happy this time last year. Please come back.

I’ve tried saying slightly less pathetic versions of this to him. He says there’s no going back. I can’t believe that this man who said and acted like he was so over-the-top in love with me could just turn the lights off on his feelings so quickly. Bam!

I think the vast majority of us can relate to that feeling of desperately wanting and wishing for the idealisation stage at the beginning to come back and stay.  Unfortunately, the cycle of behaviour you have seen is a pattern.  Your ex partner has probably followed this most of his life.  It's hard and really painful to accept, but it sounds like he is aware and accepting of this and may actually be saving you both from further pain by declining to try again.  Although it hurts a great deal right now, in time you may be glad that is the case.

We have an article here I'd like to share with you, about how a BPD relationship evolves.  I'd be really interested to hear if any of this resonates with you and any thoughts or questions that it brings up for you.  You can access it HERE

Love and light x

[gilac]

Sorry to hear all this Emily, your story hits home.

I went trough it all almost exactly like you, the only difference being that your ex did talk more openly about the fear of abandonment.

The rest is identical... .The strong bond, communicating 24/7, her persuading me to move in together, sudden change in her behaviour on new years eve after she felt rejected, sudden lost of contact as soon as I was out of the city for a week, no empathy, no more feelings for our past, no nothing, distance, accusations and projections, confusion, break up, gaslightning (one of the worst periods for me) and her inevitable sudden jump into new relationship

This is the reality of their behaviour, the same pattern which is very shocking for us who witness that for the first time.

You got to remember, their fear is growing constantly until some situation "proves" them that you're distancing yourself from them and that they feel rejected. That is the point when they start "the race to break up first" and it's all downhill from there, no coming back.

[Emily303]

Thank you Harley Quinn for taking the time and for your astute response. Not all of the material in the article you recommended resonates with our history, only about 95% of it (

[Harley Quinn]

It's hard to read, isn't it?  I took some time to digest it and allow myself to feel a bit bitter about the fact that what I thought was our 'special bond' was in fact the manifestation of a mental illness which took on various forms in a romantic r/s.  How do you feel having read this?  Perhaps a bit more clear on what you were dealing with?

Love and light x

[magician]

Emily,

What I have learned so far from 3 months of pain

It might take time for you to understand- it's a process

1) there is nothing you could have done differently, It's a repetitive disorder. It follows a pattern and everything ends with the same result.
2) It wouldn't matter if you were replaced by the most understanding, beautiful, sexy, superwoman. The result will be the same.
3) They are hurting more than you are. The pain is so intense that they have no choice.
4) Trying to reach out to them may make them push you further down the rabbit hole. I was painted black, now I am an image of a rapist who abused my ex BP girlfriend, all I did was simply call her and say hi.
5) I have lost my mental health in this process. I am not the same person. As if the  BPD rubbed off on me. I can't clear my mind like they do. They can simply block you out and move one. We can't. We are normal. We have strong memories that linger around. Good or bad, they are with us. We can cope and take those as a whole.
6) The only thing that makes me feel ok. When I move on and find somebody I can love and hope to be loved back in the same manner, the BP person will already tried  with numerous people with no success. The end result is always the same. My ex, begged that I would be the last man's face she sees while making love... do you know how many men she might have tried with no success... so painful and sad.
7) If this hadn't happened now, it would have happened in 2, 4, 5, 10,12, 20 months down the line. The more time passes, harder it gets to detach.
8) Imagine you are 50 and have no one to rely on... .you burned all the bridges. You are living alone... .that's them. You, on the other hand,  have moved on and found someone who can love you forever and ever, and built a trusting a relationship. You are not afraid to talk your mind, you are not afraid that this person will leave you next day.
9) What makes it horribly painful is remembering the most beautiful moments of our lives we had with them. Imagine that person had died, this person is not the person you loved.

[Emily303]

Pt 2 (some of my response was cut off).  Yes, an eerie amount of the relationship described in the article resonates, right down to his several medical worries and the sublime sex, which always seemed more about me than him.  He told me he had been abused as a young man, but that his therapist didn’t think it was much of an issue (!), although I did, especially in the context of his avowed inability to trust and his sexual behavior. (Tangentially, he didn’t tell me he had herpes until month three, when he had an outbreak.)

The resemblances end, however, at the clinger phase. I pulled back just as he was starting to express disappointment in me, coupled with desperate need. My radar was going haywire.

And yet what I wouldn’t give to have him back, crazy as that sounds, not least to me.

 He does seem very motivated to improve his psychology; I don’t know why his Jungian therapist never mentioned BPD. I suggested it to him (my ex) and he agreed that it sounded just like him.

Anyway, all a mute point. He has been very persuasive about there being no future for us.  

(I wonder if I should tell his new GF about the herpes? Probably not.)

[gilac]

So it was like that.  I did take the next few weeks to think about things and why he responded the way he did and why I responded the way I did. And I felt like I gain some insight into the situation, although I still didn’t know what borderline was. So I went back to him after about a month and told him I felt a lot better and I felt like I really understood things better and I was ready to rekindle our daily communications and see him as quickly as possible because I missed very much and felt like I had a lot of enthusiasm for making the relationship succeed now.  But to my great and dizzying surprise he told me he didn’t love me anymore and that he was angry and hurt and you could never trust me again. He said it was completely numb towards me and there was no going back. He said that was simply the way he was. He could not risk another breakdown.

I forgot to mention this important part. This was exactly what I went trough. Be proud of yourself for feeling joy and for being ethusiastic at that time, you have showed to yourself that you are already strong to face such things. It's hard, but if those feelings kicked in it means that we're mentally strong to think rationally after all the damage and confusion.
When you got the shocking response from him (like I did, very very confusing and surreal feeling) I bet you've felt that you're actually in a better place than him. I felt like that, that was the moment I told myself "ok, this person lives a life like this, I don't. Do I want this?". That was the moment I started to detach myself, and I still try, it's painful. But I think that we must face the facts... .Those people are the most sweetest and beautiful, but, they are destructive for our well being, our job, our social life, and sadly, they are destructive for their own life.

I know that we feel like we should help them and we are worried, but it would only deepen the destruction to both sides because of the unusual way they interpretate stuff.