It felt like I ... .was a monster for leaving
During the idealization phase of our relationship I fell head over heals for her. As I learned more about BPD it was humbling to learn my experience of this fairytale love was run of the mill --a day in the life of beginning a relationship with someone suffering from BPD. Right down to the things she said to me. I have read them word for word in other people's posts, as well in some of the learning documents on this site. Something fascinating -she is a Chinese national and half of these things were said in Chinese, so there is not much cultural bearing on BPD (from my completely unscientific sample of 1).
It was incredibly hard to 'throw in the towel' -The reason I began posting here on BPD Family in the first place was my observation that my ex had no malicious intent. Sure -she did horrible things, but I never saw intent. Intent implies control and she had no control over her emotions whatsoever... .
The other thing which compelled me to begin posting is the immense compassion and pity I still hold for her. I loved her more deeply than I had ever loved another human being -but I believe she would have destroyed me. She actually told me this in so many words. I had spent an evening talking her down from a near catatonic dysphoria -her eyes opened and she said in a weak voice 'You must leave me -I will destroy you'. -I believe this was her single most honest and deepest expression of love for me.
What made me finally break our engagement and leave was what you called the 'Island' concept. When I left her I was not on the island I was the island. My story is long, but I will cut to the quick... .As I was preparing to make the last steps in closing up shop here and move to China (I know... .absurd, but I was in love) she began a 7 day rage -one evening she said 'We have nothing more to talk about' -she broke up with me! It was then that I had an epiphany -she would one day leave me.
I am a dyed in the wool full blown codependent people please --I prefer romantic, but perhaps that is avoidance
For me to take the steps to preemptively walk away from someone I adored for my self preservation was hard. I don't feel guilty, just deeply saddened. It was a beautiful dream, which I now know, at least intellectually, would have become a nightmare.
BPD is simply put a tragic disorder. I hate the fact that she knows she pushed me away and I further hate she had no control over her actions when she did so. -The scorpion and the frog.
On a lighter note... . Your remote control story made me recall something. Our apartment in Beijing was small, so everything had to be in order -also I have since learned it was likely out of her her compulsion. Soo. All paper products went into a specific drawer. One morning she was sleeping and I rearranged the drawer, still all paper products, but organized differently. She opened the drawer and said 'What have you done?'. I said I think it is better... . She started to spool up, looked in the drawer... .paused and said ':)amn... .It is better... . We do it this your way from now on... .'
I have heard people refer to themselves as victims. The only victim I saw in our relationship was a little girl who had had been the victim of an unimaginable childhood. Yes, she hurt me, but I don't think I receive half as much torment as she feels on a day to day basis. --Perhaps my view would have changed if I had been in our relationship longer, but I am left with far more pity for her than I have for myself.
When I would pack my suitcase she would take everything out as fast as I put them in and re-fold them so they 'fit better'. She did love me in her way.
I am not sure how our relationship has changed me yet. I am still working on recovering from the hole leaving her has left within me. Therapy helps.
I appreciate your thread and I will look within myself to see how the ghost of her may be effecting my emotional habits.
Wicker Man
