Live in girlfriend has new bf - how do I protect my home/furnishings

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

She has said she is moving out and will give me a firm date by the end of the week, though she is only there when I'm gone. Earlier in the week she was actually giving me faint signals that "we" were still possible but as of last night I believe that has changed. The rage was back. I need to remember that she's in her addiction right now and try to have compassion, but damn it's hard.
   What does she have stored in my home? Ten years worth of her life. I always wanted to make her feel like the home was "ours", I let her decorate as she wished. 90% of the decor is her choosing so packing all of that up and repainting (I never liked her color choices, dark colored "merlot" looks like a color you may see in a brothel) is going to be a project. There is going to be A LOT to pack and the place is going to look pretty barren afterwards. That part hurts, I've been here before. I tried communicating with her last night regarding her things and asked if we could talk. Via text, she said she had no service. Then when I brought up the car she mysteriously got some service and called. I really tried to walk through the house, with her on the phone and help her understand just how much she had to move. Once again she beat me down with more verbal abuse and would not commit to anything, finally demanding that I make a list and leave it outside and that would be the only way she would communicate with me. There is a bed, a vanity, dresser drawers, livingroom tables, night stands, and a LOAD of nick nacks and cheap home decor stuff. I don't know why she wants me to make a list?
    When her and her daughters first came into my home she agreed to pay rent. She only paid it once in the last ten years. The intiial amount was eight hundred a month. I remember her throwing the FOG even back then saying,  "Even my daughters don't understand why I have to pay" , I'll never forget that. That adds up to nearly a hundred grand over the last ten years. Over the years and financial struggles I have sold many toys to keep us afloat and have lived on the ragged edge financially. We didn't have extra money for anything and she could never hold down a job for very long. For the last ten years she may have paid one or two utility bills. She has no concept of financial responsibility. I made all the money and I paid all the bills. YEARS ago my therapist would question why I was tolerating all the crazy making and I would say "what will happen to her? She'll end up homeless." and he would say "not your problem" I think I'm finally understanding that.
   There is also a car loan involved. At first I thought I'd pay it off and sign the title over just so I didn't have to deal with missed payments on her part and more damage to my credit. She slipped up a few years back without my knowledge and the car got repossessed, which I payed three grand to get back. Three years before that I had cosigned an another loan, which she defaulted on and I got that car back as well but it cost me seven grand. So last night, in anger, I told her to have the new guy make her payments and if she couldn't pay it that we needed to sell it to satisfy the note. I just don't see why I should bail her out yet again. It is my understanding that as the cosigner, I have a personal right to repossess. Maybe I need to seek legal counsel? Good lord am I wound up tight. Help me make a crisis plan Skip, I'm having a hard time thinking straight. Thank you so much!
-Sparky

[Sparky5]

She has said she is moving out and will give me a firm date by the end of the week, though she is only there when I'm gone. Earlier in the week she was actually giving me faint signals that "we" were still possible but as of last night I believe that has changed. The rage was back. I need to remember that she's in her addiction right now and try to have compassion, but damn it's hard.
   What does she have stored in my home? Ten years worth of her life. I always wanted to make her feel like the home was "ours", I let her decorate as she wished. 90% of the decor is her choosing so packing all of that up and repainting (I never liked her color choices, dark colored "merlot" looks like a color you may see in a brothel) is going to be a project. There is going to be A LOT to pack and the place is going to look pretty barren afterwards. That part hurts, I've been here before. I tried communicating with her last night regarding her things and asked if we could talk. Via text, she said she had no service. Then when I brought up the car she mysteriously got some service and called. I really tried to walk through the house, with her on the phone and help her understand just how much she had to move. Once again she beat me down with more verbal abuse and would not commit to anything, finally demanding that I make a list and leave it outside and that would be the only way she would communicate with me. There is a bed, a vanity, dresser drawers, livingroom tables, night stands, and a LOAD of nick nacks and cheap home decor stuff. I don't know why she wants me to make a list?
    When her and her daughters first came into my home she agreed to pay rent. She only paid it once in the last ten years. The intiial amount was eight hundred a month. I remember her throwing the FOG even back then saying,  "Even my daughters don't understand why I have to pay" , I'll never forget that. That adds up to nearly a hundred grand over the last ten years. Over the years and financial struggles I have sold many toys to keep us afloat and have lived on the ragged edge financially. We didn't have extra money for anything and she could never hold down a job for very long. For the last ten years she may have paid one or two utility bills. She has no concept of financial responsibility. I made all the money and I paid all the bills. YEARS ago my therapist would question why I was tolerating all the crazy making and I would say "what will happen to her? She'll end up homeless." and he would say "not your problem" I think I'm finally understanding that.
   There is also a car loan involved. At first I thought I'd pay it off and sign the title over just so I didn't have to deal with missed payments on her part and more damage to my credit. She slipped up a few years back without my knowledge and the car got repossessed, which I payed three grand to get back. Three years before that I had cosigned an another loan, which she defaulted on and I got that car back as well but it cost me seven grand. So last night, in anger, I told her to have the new guy make her payments and if she couldn't pay it that we needed to sell it to satisfy the note. I just don't see why I should bail her out yet again. It is my understanding that as the cosigner, I have a personal right to repossess. Maybe I need to seek legal counsel? Good lord am I wound up tight. Help me make a crisis plan Skip, I'm having a hard time thinking straight. Thank you so much!
-Sparky

[Skip]

What is in the home that she purchased and owns... .don't include furniture she picked out and you bought, you should keep what you need to be whole from that.

I know its an emotional time. It will help to inventory.

[Sparky5]

What is in the home that she purchased and owns... .don't include furniture she picked out and you bought, you should keep what you need to be whole from that.

I know its an emotional time. It will help to inventory.

That's just it Skip, there isn't anything of any real value that  that she actually purchased in the home. Just some older furniture that she brought with her. And now she just texted me and alluded to "getting what she worked for". I feel sick. That was part of the reason of not getting married. I made an appointment with an attorney but it is not until Thursday. I need to know what the legal situation really is and if I actually need to retain counsel and prepare a defense. What a nightmare.

[Skip]

If she didn't buy, it's not hers. She has no more right to the stuff you bought than you have rights to back rent.

You can put a deadbolt lock on your bedroom door and study. Do that.

Rather than spend your time and money packing her things, you might be better served to have 2 men and a truck move out/store the big items you want to keep (or get a pod) and put your other stuff like clothes, foods, kitchen items, decorations behind locked doors.

This is faster and cheaper than chasing anything in the courts. Let her chase you (she won't).

You need to give her 30 days to move out in a written letter - hand it to her and send it certified to her. Get the clock started.

[Panda39]

If it's yours, it's small and it's valuable get it out of the house. (make copies of any relevant documents... .ie car loan documentation)

Panda39

[Sparky5]

If she didn't buy, it's not hers. She has no more right to the stuff you bought than you have rights to back rent.

You can put a deadbolt lock on your bedroom door and study. Do that.

Rather than spend your time and money packing her things, you might be better served to have 2 men and a truck move out/store the big items you want to keep (or get a pod) and put your other stuff like clothes, foods, kitchen items, decorations behind locked doors.

This is faster and cheaper than chasing anything in the courts. Let her chase you (she won't).

You need to give her 30 days to move out in a written letter - hand it to her and send it certified to her. Get the clock started.

Thanks Skip,
   The main issue right now is communication. She is in control as far as that goes and on top of that my cell just died and that had been our primary source of comms. I'll try to get it replaced this afternoon. After much study, I don't believe she has a leg to stand on as far as common law marriage is concerned. We never filed taxes jointly, we never had a joint bank account, we never owned property together and though we USED TO present as "engaged" we did not present as married. I just want to get this over with so I can begin healing. Is that too much to ask?
-Sparky

[Skip]

She is in control as far as that goes... .

Communication is not the main issue. Possession is and you can protect your possessions. You don't want this to change with her clearing out the house when you are away and telling you to "catch her if you can".

I'm not accusing her, I'm just saying that you can be in control by buying two locks, sending a certified letter, and getting a mover or a pod to protect your belongings.

You can't lock her out, but you can look up yourself.

A lawyer is $300.00 an hour... .you can do a lot of locking down for 3 hours of a lawyer time... .you will get virtually no recovery with lost items with 3 hours of a lawyer time. 

Move! 

[Sparky5]

Communication is not the main issue. Possession is and you can protect your possessions. You don't want this to change with her clearing out the house when you are away and telling you to "catch her if you can".

I'm not accusing her, I'm just saying that you can be in control by buying two locks, sending a certified letter, and getting a mover or a pod to protect your belongings.

You can't lock her out, but you can look up yourself.

A lawyer is $300.00 an hour... .you can do a lot of locking down for 3 hours of a lawyer time... .you will get virtually no recovery with lost items with 3 hours of a lawyer time. 

Move! 

Thanks Skip!

[livednlearned]

Hi Sparky5,

My attorney told me to hire a moving truck and move things out while my ex was at work.

There were zero repercussions.

We have members on this board whose houses were completely cleaned out.

You don't want that to happen to you 

Courts really are not equipped to mediate quibbling over things.

I think behind closed doors judges and lawyers shake their heads when people don't lock down their homes or material items after a bad split.

Also. You aren't legally married, but if you were, you would do a financial affadavit to value your items at Craig's List prices. Even if you had items that cost thousands to purchase, if like items are going for 50$ on CL, that's the market value you would list.

Courts would rather you just sort it out on your own, even if it's a bit mercenary.

Is there somewhere you can have her stuff stored for 30 days? Friends who can help you move it there? Send communication to her via email, text, certified letter, contact friends or people who know her, and let her know where she can find her stuff. Keep copies of everything you send. Have someone read over what you write so that they can check it's neutral and fair. 

I know it's painful.

Time to take care of yourself.

You deserve to be happy.

[Sparky5]

Thanks Lived,
   She contacted me via text yesterday and wants to discuss logistics so we're going to meet on neutral ground and have a discussion today. I was just about to pack her things and put them in storage, pay for three months and give her the key. I should know more after our meeting today. Thank you for the support, it means a lot.
-Sparky

[david]

My ex emptied out our house. I literally mean emitted. She took all the electrical outlet covers. I had to purchase replacements . There were 47 in total. She took all three toilet paper holders. Yes, the little spring loaded pieces. Cost less than. a dollar a piece. She left a disposable camera in the basement. I had the pictures developed. One was a Haul truck in our driveway. I went to Haul, told them we lost the receipt, and we needed a copy for our taxes. He printed one out for me. The receipt also had a storage unit rental on it.
Ex took lots of pictures on facebook of her new residence. Many of the things she took were in the pictures.
I made copies before she unfriended me.
During equitable distribution she claimed I had emptied the house. She hand wrote four pages of items with valuations. She said it was worth 1.2 million dollars. All stuff was less than $30,000. I agreed with her evaluation and simply asked for my half in cash. That made for a quick settlement because her attorney did not want to get in front of a judge with all the pictures. I got what I asked for except for the $600,000.
If I moved it all out, I believe there would have been no real consequences for me either.
 
We have two boys together and she left absolutely no clothes for them with me. I had to go out and buy clothes for them. I had to buy beds, pots and pans, dishes, you name it. On top of that she emptied all our joint bank accounts. Never got any of that back either. Many of my personal itms were smashed and broken throughout the house. She even took most of my clothes.
 
She removed all the locks on the exterior doors and replaced them so I had no keys. I was allowed to break into my house but decided to wait until we went to court which was in a few days. I was given the house and had to make repairs and refill it. I didn't get much because I figured we would have to sell the house since both names were on the mortgage. She would not agree to let me buy her out unless I gave her a ridiculous amount of money. I gave her an offer that was fair. She declined. If she agreed she would have had more money then she got through equitable distribution. He anger drove her decisions.

[Sparky5]

My ex emptied out our house. I literally mean emitted. She took all the electrical outlet covers. I had to purchase replacements . There were 47 in total. She took all three toilet paper holders. Yes, the little spring loaded pieces. Cost less than. a dollar a piece. She left a disposable camera in the basement. I had the pictures developed. One was a Haul truck in our driveway. I went to Haul, told them we lost the receipt, and we needed a copy for our taxes. He printed one out for me. The receipt also had a storage unit rental on it.
Ex took lots of pictures on facebook of her new residence. Many of the things she took were in the pictures.
I made copies before she unfriended me.
During equitable distribution she claimed I had emptied the house. She hand wrote four pages of items with valuations. She said it was worth 1.2 million dollars. All stuff was less than $30,000. I agreed with her evaluation and simply asked for my half in cash. That made for a quick settlement because her attorney did not want to get in front of a judge with all the pictures. I got what I asked for except for the $600,000.
If I moved it all out, I believe there would have been no real consequences for me either.
 
We have two boys together and she left absolutely no clothes for them with me. I had to go out and buy clothes for them. I had to buy beds, pots and pans, dishes, you name it. On top of that she emptied all our joint bank accounts. Never got any of that back either. Many of my personal itms were smashed and broken throughout the house. She even took most of my clothes.
 
She removed all the locks on the exterior doors and replaced them so I had no keys. I was allowed to break into my house but decided to wait until we went to court which was in a few days. I was given the house and had to make repairs and refill it. I didn't get much because I figured we would have to sell the house since both names were on the mortgage. She would not agree to let me buy her out unless I gave her a ridiculous amount of money. I gave her an offer that was fair. She declined. If she agreed she would have had more money then she got through equitable distribution. He anger drove her decisions.

Good Lord! I guess I'm getting off easy. We never married so I don't have to worry about any legal proceedings. At this point I think I'm just going to go full MGTOW. I have had enough of women and their dastardly ways. I'm not joking either, I'm going my own way and I wont ever answer to anyone ever again. Can you tell I'm starting to feel better?
-Sparky

[Skip]

MGTOW, men going their own way.  Gender warfare is a big step - chose wisely.

I saw this spoof recently on political correctness... .



Funny. But then, I don't have a cat.

[ForeverDad]

I was just about to pack her things and put them in storage, pay for three months and give her the key.

Although I haven't heard any such horror stories here, I used to work in the landlord/tenant world and have heard that merely storing her stuff and sending her the key does not absolve you of all responsibility in some jurisdictions.  What if the person never gets their stuff, it gets sold off after the rental time ends and the person then claims they never got a key or notice?  What if the claim is that there was some stuff missing (see david's ex's $1.2M claim)?  Best to always seek your lawyer's legal advice before taking any major step.

[AnuDay]

I went through this last May shortly after joining this site and learning about the condition.  My ex left relatively peacefully. I use the word peacefully very loosely as in I didn't have to go to jail and neither did she. Although the police were called at least twice in the 30 days it took for her to move.  I guess she felt a bit guilty taking the kids and all.  She only took what she bought with her money.  I gave her a few clothes for the kids.  I had to write an eviction letter and change the locks to let her know I was serious though.  It took her about 30 days to find a place, but she found one and moved out while I was at work.  All of this happened while I left her with the impression that we could still be "friends".  She said we just needed space to work things out.  I agreed (at the time).  We were on relatively friendly terms for a few weeks after she moved out.