Need Some Advice. Being Split Black

[Figures]

My SO (m/m not in relationship officially but so close you'd think we were) splits about every two months (I joke I can set my watch by it).  He's quiet borderline and is quite self-aware (although not always in the moment)

• He'll start by saying something really hurtful.  Last time it was that I'd find someone else.  This time it was that i was telling him things he already knew and that I'd told him.  It can be hard to spot what triggered it but he becomes an ass
• Then he'll take himself away.  We don't live together but live very close by so he'll go to his mum's (Or say he is.  I suspect he may be hiding in his house)  This time I was staying over and he split on me 20 mins after I popped into town saying he was feeling funky and had gone to his mum's.  A lot of my stuff is still round his house from Saturday.  I may have made a point of altering my walking routes to go past his house and notice different lights on and off - the things we do when our SO has BPD.
• He'll make contact by text but it's more sporadic than normal with long gaps of silence.  Some of that is down to me.  I make a point of disengaging a lot for a few days and doing things for myself which kinda works with his silence.  Maybe he senses I'm angry as I text at slightly different times / intervals.  I'm calm and validating but I let him know I am annoyed.  If we talk about nothing he's very normal but if (for example) I say I really need to pick up my clothes or something, I'll get a long silence.  His writing style changes.  It's without punctuation and the spelling is a lot worse.
• He is getting out the house.  LONG story but on one of my walkbys late at night he took off on his bike  (he never saw me).  He was back a few hours later.  Without going into detail I do not believe he is doing anything more than getting milk or playing Pokemon Go.  The point is he CAN get out the house.
• I offered to take him out to play Pokemon tonight, he was up for it, said he was at his mum's  (I have doubts) and would eat before heading home.  I told him to let me know when he got back... .and I never heard anything.  I finally replied with a "Guess your depression / BPD is still acting up.  Maybe we can try again tomorrow"

As angry as I am with him, I know this is his BPD spiking.  Last time he made a point of telling me how he'd booked the doctor.  I think it was his way of saying (in so many words)  "I know this is a problem I'm trying to get help".

The thing I'm not sure of is whether he is having a depressive episode based on his BPD and hiding from everyone... .or if he is just hiding from me?

Last time I bought him flowers and a card and left by his door  (because whilst he's being an ass it's his BPD).  He text me saying to come back for tea and then split me white again.  I'd like to do that again but worry it's enabling bad behaviour?  Is it?

I've recently discovered he's suffering with gender dyphobia.  He doesn't know I know, but I think he suspects and it's feeding his BPD.  I think his splitting is caused by fears that he'd be abandoned if I found out so I think he's looking at this black and white - I can either be with X or I can transition.  I want to say that I've worked this out and that I'm OK with it so that it will quell his behaviour / fear.  I've written a long letter but whilst I think he needs that reassurance now, I'm not sure how receiving a 5 page letter explaining how I found out and that it's OK (where he's going to find only the negative) is best right now.  I'd prefer face to face but he disengages when things become too much for him

What's the best way to broach a difficult subject (with a positive outcome) when their current ongoing episode is probably caused by fear that the difficult subject will have a negative outcome?

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[pearlsw]

Hi Figures,

This is an interesting post, and I hope you don't mind, but I'd like to put the focus back on you rather than your partner for a moment. I get the distinct sense you are... .um... How do I say this as politely and compassionately as possible? I mean, how much spying do you do on your partner and do you feel that is okay? You go by his place to check on his comings and goings and you know things about him that he is trying to keep private? May I ask, is this really what you want to be doing with your time and energy? What would he think of this? How would it make him feel? What do you think of that idea?

Also, why would you bring up a subject with him, such as this, that he doesn't seem to want to bring to you, ya know? Just among peers here, but I mean, if he wanted to make you his confidante on this topic wouldn't he? And if he hasn't, doesn't that say something?

Are you two together currently? Have you ever "officially" had a romantic relationship? Or are you just friends?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Figures]

This is an interesting post, and I hope you don't mind, but I'd like to put the focus back on you rather than your partner for a moment. I get the distinct sense you are... .um... How do I say this as politely and compassionately as possible? I mean, how much spying do you do on your partner and do you feel that is okay? You go by his place to check on his comings and goings and you know things about him that he is trying to keep private? May I ask, is this really what you want to be doing with your time and energy? What would he think of this? How would it make him feel? What do you think of that idea?

You make a good point and I see how this reads as I tried to make light of it.  I usually respect his privacy.  I'm nor normally like this and reading it back I sound like a bunny boiler which is quite upsetting now you point it out because I'm usually so chill.   I just worry when he goes quiet because he has a history of wanting to self-harm and I suspect (given past experience) that he's told his family he's with me so he's left all alone.  This has just been the last 2 nights since he split me black.  I'm not going past his family's houses or sitting there watching his house, nor do I intend it to continue.  I actually spent the whole of Monday doing things for myself and it was only as I came back and then went to the shop that I detoured.

I guess the problem is that the splits are so unexpected, it knocks me off centre a little and I NEED to understand to process my own emotions.  Me making light of it isn't me saying it's OK.  It's just me acknowledging that this is what it's brought me to the last couple of days

Also, why would you bring up a subject with him, such as this, that he doesn't seem to want to bring to you, ya know? Just among peers here, but I mean, if he wanted to make you his confidante on this topic wouldn't he? And if he hasn't, doesn't that say something?

He's dropped a lot of hints and is presenting more and more.  I've spoken to friends who've transitioned at length about this and they've all said to bring the subject up as he's clearly suffering and the hints are a sign he wants to talk about it.  However they have biased views on his BPD saying it's just misdiagnosed transgender.  I don't agree with that, hence why I was looking for a BPD view on this issue

Are you two together currently? Have you ever "officially" had a romantic relationship? Or are you just friends?

It's on/off all the time depending on his mood.  I've stopped trying to categorise it as it can fluctuate several times over the course of an evening.

[pearlsw]

Okay. Cool. Got it! Let she amongst us who has not wondered what her exbf is up to cast the first…I’m gonna go with bar of chocolate.  

I hear ya. I’ve experienced the sudden shock split more times than I care to recall, and there is just nothing like it. It is extremely hurtful and confusing.

What kind of a reaction would you anticipate if you, when you potentially are back in touch again, bring up the topic of transitioning?

In terms of BPD, which of the traits does he have, in your opinion? BPD can be different person to person. The thing I’d focus in on is handling emotional discussions. I think it would be a good idea overall, if he remains in your life, and even if not, to really focus on totally relearning your communication skills via the resources on this site. Even just starting to practice with the tools here could make these (potentially) upcoming conversations be less bumpy. It’s a work in progress!

I hear on this point too! Sometimes my relationship has only been hour to hour.

Does anyone else have ideas, thoughts, support to share with the poster? Would love to hear from everyone!

take care, pearl.