My 37 year old now has 2 babies

[Parents! Get help here!]

My daughter was considered a "high" functioning BPD, after years of trying to find the right medication and treatment and therapy, things were looking up. She was finally starting to recognize her destructive behaviour and working hard on how to improve, and she was improving big time. We had 2 great years! She has a very good job. She got married 3 years ago and had 2 children. And now everything has fallen apart. She can't cope. Her marriage is falling apart. Her medication is no longer working and she has stopped one of her meds completely. She won't seek help and I'm very, very concerned for the health of my grand-babies. She is good with them but can barely spend any time with them and freaks out every time she has to be alone with them for more than a few minutes. The drain on me for the last 37 years has left me with little left to give and she won't discuss this anymore. She is extremely intelligent and we could discuss her disease but now it's like going back to the very beginning and she won't talk about it at all anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. If there were no babies, I would walk away at this point in my life. I'm 65 years old and just plain tired. She was born with mental health issues which here definitely made much worse from an abusive parent and divorce when she was 7 years old. How do I help her recognize that she is slipping back and that she needs to climb back up the ladder again. She is going back to work in a week, from maternity leave, and I am also worried that she will lose her job. She is impossible to be around with right now. She is everything a BPD is and she is very angry and aggressive. She deals with people in her job.

[lapomar]

My daughter was considered a "high" functioning BPD, after years of trying to find the right medication and treatment and therapy, things were looking up. She was finally starting to recognize her destructive behaviour and working hard on how to improve, and she was improving big time. We had 2 great years! She has a very good job. She got married 3 years ago and had 2 children. And now everything has fallen apart. She can't cope. Her marriage is falling apart. Her medication is no longer working and she has stopped one of her meds completely. She won't seek help and I'm very, very concerned for the health of my grand-babies. She is good with them but can barely spend any time with them and freaks out every time she has to be alone with them for more than a few minutes. The drain on me for the last 37 years has left me with little left to give and she won't discuss this anymore. She is extremely intelligent and we could discuss her disease but now it's like going back to the very beginning and she won't talk about it at all anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. If there were no babies, I would walk away at this point in my life. I'm 65 years old and just plain tired. She was born with mental health issues which here definitely made much worse from an abusive parent and divorce when she was 7 years old. How do I help her recognize that she is slipping back and that she needs to climb back up the ladder again. She is going back to work in a week, from maternity leave, and I am also worried that she will lose her job. She is impossible to be around with right now. She is everything a BPD is and she is very angry and aggressive. She deals with people in her job.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Merlot]

Hi lapomar

Welcome to the bpdfamily 

I'm 65 years old and just plain tired. She was born with mental health issues which here definitely made much worse from an abusive parent and divorce when she was 7 years old. How do I help her recognize that she is slipping back and that she needs to climb back up the ladder again. She is going back to work in a week, from maternity leave, and I am also worried that she will lose her job. She is impossible to be around with right now. She is everything a BPD is and she is very angry and aggressive. She deals with people in her job.

So glad you're here, believe when I say we all understand.  You have been dealing with this for such a long time, no wonder you're tired - it is utterly exhausting!

The part of your post that really resonates with me is about having some good years and feeling like there has been a step backward.  I also relate to the divorce and the abusive parent.  Prior to my 27 year old BPD daughter being diagnosed, there were always problems, then I felt like she had turned the corner and was growing up and then "BHAM" some irrational drama would occur and I would think "gee, I thought she was growing up".  Following a diagnosis at 25 and being cut off recently following violent rages - I realised that this is no longer about "growing up"... .more like "HOUSTON we have a problem".

My daughter is also high functioning and seems to wield magic amongst others... .I'm sure no one in certain circles would believe me if I said she had BPD, so take heart, your daughter will most likely excel at work. Amongst the chaos, this is a good thing.

I hear your worry and I also hear "how do I fix this"?  All of us are here seeking those answers.  Depending on the circumstances, every answer is different, however a few key constants are about stepping out of the drama, working out ways to de-escalate and change the narrative from "fixing/rescuing" to "listening/supporting" and looking after ourselves.

There is a wealth of information on the board to the  .  I also encourage you to engage support through a range of fora; here with parents, close friends a therapist and through reading. 

I hear you are strong... .of course we are, we all are but we are human and need support too.

Take advantage of that here, as there is so much richness to be had without judgement.

Please keep coming and sharing.  Stay strong. 

Merlot

[Feeling Better]

Hello Iapomar,

I would like to join Merlot in welcoming you here.

How do I help her recognize that she is slipping back and that she needs to climb back up the ladder again. She is going back to work in a week, from maternity leave, and I am also worried that she will lose her job. She is impossible to be around with right now. She is everything a BPD is and she is very angry and aggressive. She deals with people in her job.

One of the hardest things is stepping back and watching, knowing that there is nothing that you can do to help someone you love. If your daughter doesn’t recognise that she is slipping back, if she is in denial there’s not a lot that you can do, she needs to see it for herself.

You say that she is going back to work in a week, that might be just what she needs, what do you think?
 I understand the worry that you have that she might lose her job, I used to worry about that too with my uBPD son, but you know, as Merlot says, and I believe also, your daughter probably excels at her job. I was amazed when my son left his last job at the wonderful well wishes he received from his fellow colleagues. He was obviously held in high regard and I felt very proud of him.

I understand also the concern that you have for grand babies, may I ask, who will be taking care of them when she goes back to work?

Last but definitely not least, you say how tired you are feeling, and no wonder, everything to do with BPD can be utterly exhausting. I hope that you are able to take some time out for you and your self care 

[Yat4]

I'm am so sorry that you are going through this. I know exactly how it feels.  If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me. I have three grandbabies who I love so much. It kills me to see them go through this. Just wanted to give a big hug!

[Huat]

Hi Lapomar.  Let me join in welcoming you here.  Already you have heard from some "in the trenches" Moms... .Yat4, Feeling Better, Merlot... .all Newbies at one time, like you are now... .all finding this a validating, supportive community.

I, too, am one of the older (mid 70's) parents participating on/in this forum.  My daughter was a pre-teen runaway, a precursor to our now 40 yr run dealing with her BPD behaviours... ... "surprise" pregnancies (different fathers), divorces, custody battles, estrangements.  Sadly, the list goes on.

Both my husband and I could well have walked away had it not been for those 2 precious loves-of-our-lives who are now adults.  I do hear where you are coming from.  In all those early years our daughter knew what trump card to play... .the grandchildren.  We feared losing contact with them.  All that we feared... .happened. 

I look at the info to the right and I so wish I knew of those tools earlier.  I urge you to do your homework, first with what is offered here and then the links to more.  You've done your time... .you need to feel empowered... .not down-trodden anymore.  Easier said than done... .but can be done... .and definitely it is baby steps.

I am positive that my daughter's (maybe yours, too?) BPD behaviours are hormone-driven... .starting with the onset of puberty and her running away... .then the monthly PMS when blow-ups would occur... .then the post-partum depressions that would last for months after each of the births of her children... .now menopause where her verbal abuse towards me has escalated to the point where I was warned the verbal abuse could well turn to physical abuse.   I have taken precautions... .refusing any interaction between us until she agrees to joint counselling.

I don't envy the position you are in now but if change is to happen, it has to begin with you.  You have certainly come to the right place to be heard, to have your feelings validated, to have support as you make your way toward better tomorrows... .tomorrows that don't always turn out to be the ones we want.  Resilience is the key to happiness in all aspects of life... .a work-in-progress for me but I am making some headway.

Hope to hear more from you, Lapomar. 

Huat

[Scout206]

Hi Lapomar   Welcome.  I don't need to get you up to speed on my story. Suffice it to say that I understand your pain all too well.   A thought just occurred to me when I read Huat's reply to you.  Lots of things going on but it seems that things were going well for her before she had the babies.  Her medication
'doesn't work' but it never does when you stop taking it.  It is common for people with mental illness to think they are ok so they don't need medication any longer.
Has she been evaluated for post-partum depression or any other hormonal disorders?   Her being freaked out when she is alone with the children also kind of fits that possibility.   Just a thought.  We are here for you.  This is a great place for those of us dealing with this cruel disease.  Take care. Scout206

[lapomar]

I'm still trying to figure this thing out, so I'm not sure who I'm replying too. But to all who posted, thank you so much for your encouragement and kind words. They do really help. I have been extremely sick for the last 6 weeks now and I'm now on a number of medication for my lungs. The stress finally got to me. I am staying away from her and the babies for the time being and it's difficult but I need the break. It's hard though, since she lives 2 blocks away from my house. She moved there when she finally moved out... .I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you. I'll be back when I feel better.