Help for my daughter

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've been fighting parental alienation since my daughter was born, luckily alienation doesn't take hold until around 7 my daughter is 5 but I imagine it still is very confusing to a child and stressful. I'm in the middle of a custody modification, my ex has ramped up the toxic behavior with my daughter and it's been really damaging to my daughter's relationship with her mom which isn't good for my daughter. Here are some of the issues

1. My ex has insisted that my daughter has a allergy to milk, it's not true because my daughter eats milk ,dairy or any food with no issues whatsoever when she's with me. I've been giving her dairy for over a year with not 1 single issue.  My ex of course says I'm lying and refuses to get her tested and will not give her dairy. She also has the daycare make meals without dairy.

It is super confusing to her because her mom tries to scare her by saying she will get sick, it worked for a little while but now that she's older she's understanding that it's not true. My ex also uses my daughter's sisters to antagonize her about not eating the  "bad snacks with milk"

My daughter told me yesterday that she had a nightmare that her sister shot her for eating milk. It really is infuriating that a 5 yr old has to endure this. Thoughts on how to help her?

2. My daughter took a picture from my house of me my daughter and her brother to her moms so she could put it on her desk. My ex made her keep it in a book bag.  Her 2 sisters have pictures of their dads out so this is really upsetting my daughter.

I need to get her some counseling I think

[Eco]

I've been fighting parental alienation since my daughter was born, luckily alienation doesn't take hold until around 7 my daughter is 5 but I imagine it still is very confusing to a child and stressful. I'm in the middle of a custody modification, my ex has ramped up the toxic behavior with my daughter and it's been really damaging to my daughter's relationship with her mom which isn't good for my daughter. Here are some of the issues

1. My ex has insisted that my daughter has a allergy to milk, it's not true because my daughter eats milk ,dairy or any food with no issues whatsoever when she's with me. I've been giving her dairy for over a year with not 1 single issue.  My ex of course says I'm lying and refuses to get her tested and will not give her dairy. She also has the daycare make meals without dairy.

It is super confusing to her because her mom tries to scare her by saying she will get sick, it worked for a little while but now that she's older she's understanding that it's not true. My ex also uses my daughter's sisters to antagonize her about not eating the  "bad snacks with milk"

My daughter told me yesterday that she had a nightmare that her sister shot her for eating milk. It really is infuriating that a 5 yr old has to endure this. Thoughts on how to help her?

2. My daughter took a picture from my house of me my daughter and her brother to her moms so she could put it on her desk. My ex made her keep it in a book bag.  Her 2 sisters have pictures of their dads out so this is really upsetting my daughter.

I need to get her some counseling I think

[ForeverDad]

About the milk issue... .there are pros and cons to the argument.  I won't argue the details but at least it's good to know she doesn't have allergies or lactose intolerance with milk.

For a few years I drank raw milk from A2 cows, milk claimed to be closer to goat or human milk regarding beta casein proteins.  I didn't notice any major differences other than getting a lot more cream in the milk.

I recall a member (david) described how he handled the ex's scary claims.  His sons had returned from an exchange saying he was dangerous and scary.  Clearly it was his ex's indoctrination.  Well, he started stumbling around and coming after the kids like a clumsy Frankenstein's monster.  By turning it into a game he soon had the kids giggling and the scary claims were forgotten.  Would that approach work for you?  "Well, since milk is so bad, I have this science project I keep in the milk containers.  Should we taste it?  Yuck!  Tastes terrible!  Should we have another glass now or save some for later with our cereal or cookies?"  As long as ex doesn't use this to claim to CPS that you're poisoning kids, that will make it fun and disarm the threats.

[Eco]

I recall a member (david) described how he handled the ex's scary claims.  His sons had returned from an exchange saying he was dangerous and scary.  Clearly it was his ex's indoctrination.  Well, he started stumbling around and coming after the kids like a clumsy Frankenstein's monster.  By turning it into a game he soon had the kids giggling and the scary claims were forgotten.  Would that approach work for you?  "Well, since milk is so bad, I have this science project I keep in the milk containers.  Should we taste it?  Yuck!  Tastes terrible!  Should we have another glass now or save some for later with our cereal or cookies?"  As long as ex doesn't use this to claim to CPS that you're poisoning kids, that will make it fun and disarm the threats.

When my daughter is with me she eats dairy and milk with no fear, she knows she isn't allergic to it. she tells me that she knows she isn't going to get sick and that she wishes mommy wouldn't lie.

I just feel bad for her that when she is with her mom she cant eat foods she likes not because they are bad but because of a made up allergy. now her sisters are on her case about it.

Am I being to over protective?

[ForeverDad]

It's not fair, not to you and especially not her.  But courts are generally unwilling to address behaviors that don't rise to the level of being 'actionable'.  What would be actionable?  Substantive child abuse, child endangerment or child neglect.  Could you make a case to a court or associated professional that she's not allergic or intolerant to milk.  Possibly, especially a doctor, but would anyone step up and get her to cut it out?  Who knows?

It's hard to accept but your rules for your home will be different from ex's (often inconsistent) rules for ex's home.  I recall we had a member years ago with quintuplets who the court order had living with their vegan mother.  The kids' nutrition was poor, but more so their home environment.  It was very hard on the kids as well as Dad but now they're adults and they get to choose their relationships.  Guess who they're close to now?  Yep, Dad.  (I don't know the extent of any relationship with their mother, but they're good with their dad.)

There will surely be other things to complain about.  D's fine clothes may never return from a visit to mother.  You may get stuck with taking D to school activities or appointments.  Ex may not reimburse expenses she's supposed to reimburse.  ex may refuse to give up time or trade time so D can go to some event or family gathering.  The list can be endless.  Yes, you can try to get some of them addressed in court, especially the more important issues, but much will just end up being "that's the way it is".  Focus on what good you can do for your D while she is with you on your parenting time and any additional time mother may relinquish.