So therapist revealed to wife last night that she is suffering from BPD

[Serenitywithin]

So therapist revealed to wife last night that she is suffering from BPD, and She did not take it really well. She also told her in the same sentence that I brought it up to her but that she diagnoses on symptoms and what she observes. So the entire ride home, she is googling Borderline personality Disorder and smirking and laughing and saying so now I know why you think this, and now I know why you think I have abandonment issues. and oh this is classic.  She then goes on to tell me I should have been a doctor since I can diagnose her issues ... .

She also during the session last night continued to tell me i have all this hate towards her and that I am tryign everything I can to get out of this marriage! I said that is not true. I said that I love you very much which got a grunt and a sure you do. Then I went on to say I dislike the ways in which you deal with anger and since your angry  alot I dislike the actions you take when you angry and how you treat and talk to me and the kids. She said my only problem is with you! I said just saturday after you were in a rage all day, I had to snuggle our twelve year old daughter who wanted to know why you hate her and why you dont love her. I said I had to explain to our twelve year old that mommy was just upset again and that she does love you and does not hate you. I said she might not always show it the best but she does not hate you.

Then last night when we got home she took our two youngest and went to her grandmas for a bit. This morning she brought me the baby when she woke up and I gave her a shower and then while i was getting ready she comes in and says, I am sorry I disappoint you and for how I make you feel. I am sorry I am a horrible person and dont live up to your expectations. I went to her and put my arms around her and said your not a terrible person and I am sorry that I make you feel the way you do. I said I love you, and she instantly replied I dont feel like you do! I said I do and I am not trying to get out of this marriage or I would have left a long time ago.

I am afraid it is going to be a long week just dodging the moods from sarcastic rudeness as she reads up on symptoms on the internet and then depressive feeling of shame as she trys to apologize to me and the kids for things. The biggest problem is that she has tried to apologize to me or to the children in the past it becomes all about her and she starts saying she is ha horrible person or horrible mom so that I or the kids will reinforce to her that she is not. I see this but it is bad for the kids not to mention she is using blanket things to be sorry for because she cant see the things she needs to apologize for as being her fault or her own actions. she thinks it is jsut all of us taking things to personally? In fact while on the couch with D12 this weekend consoling her for hours, she said why does mom always tells you and us that we take things to personally when she is the one who takes everything soo personally?

It is confusing to the kids and she does not see the problem. She also cant link it back to her own action or her own anger. The therapist gave us the book (how we love) to read because [my wife] has kept saying in sessions that the past hurts from childhood have nothing to do wiht the present. She had a terrible Childhood as far as not having a real nurturing mother, and this book points out all the little things that imprint on to us as children and that we carry the rest of our lives. She regardless to say hates the book.


So I know I ranted a bit here and sorry for that sometimes feels good to get some things out. But I am wondering how many of you with SO/wBPD  have had experience with what happens or goes through the PWBPD's head and heart after receiving a diagnoses? any ides on how long they dis-regulate from it? Did they eventually accept it? Did they get worse ? Did they take things out on your children?

I am worried about the next several days and how interactions will go.

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[pearlsw]

hi Serenitywithin,

did the therapist give you any tips for how to handle this “reveal”?

may i ask how the therapist delivered the news? (just curious!)

how far along are you in your studies here with the tools/workshops?

what kinds of things are you anticipating this week that folks might be able to give you some specific suggestions with?

with compassion, pearl.

[Inquisitive1]

A lot of what you're describing sounds similar to what I went through when our therapist told my wife years ago. My wife adapted to the knowledge eventually. She did have a very rough childhood and I think knowing the connection helps her forgive herself at times, other times she uses it as and excuse for 'never gonna change.' You may be in for a rocky week.

Maybe focus on one or two thing you want help with and post back about that.