Trying to kiss an angry bear: Wife with possible BPD

[Broken53]

Hello -

I'm very hesitant to be on here.  I'm 99% sure my wife has BPD caused from severe childhood trauma.  I just figured this out, and listening to Walking On Eggshells.  This is probably the 10th book I've read or listened to in order to help me help her.  I understand now that she does have this disorder.  Every conversation and description in WOE I've had.

Personally, I am a fixer/rescuer.  I knew she had a bad life, and I want to give her the world.  I'm realizing now that nothing will ever be enough.  I'm working 40-70 hours a week trying to keep up with our life style, while having all my credit cards maxed out.  I can't get my head above water, and I feel like I can never win.

We just had an argument, or I should say she was triggered by something I did a few nights ago.  I was able to stay calm and listen.  Not sure if it was better or not.  Our biggest argument is my non-affection.  I want to be affectionate, but always feel like I can't, or am too scared.  We sleep on separate sides of the bed, sit on separate sides of the couch, and I can't even remember the last time we kissed.  I don't know what my problem is.  I want to be affectionate, but just can't get the courage to do so.  A co-worker gave a good analogy of trying to kiss and angry bear.  That's exactly how I feel.  Then add in the constant accusations of cheating and having to worry about doing something different.  I am NOT a cheater.  My dad cheated on, and divorced my mom when I was 6.  I will never be my dad.

Not sure what I expect to gain from this, but maybe just getting it out is a good thing?

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[pearlsw]

Hi Broken53,

Yes, getting it out can help! There are many people here with similar experiences and the more time you spend here the more you’ll see what a supportive and helpful place this is!

May I ask, did you ever have comfortable affection with each other? What does she say about the lack of affection between you two? Would she want to change this as well?

Are you able to tamp down the overspending? Is this something you’ve tried and she’s reacted negatively to? How would she react if you were to try?

with compassion, pearl.

[ArleighBurke]

Don't try to stop her spending with compassion.

Just stop her spending.

She is acting like a spoilt teenage girl. You don't reason with a teenage girl. If you are living on your own wage, then YOU own the finances. Cutup her credit card. Give her cash each week, or give her a card with a limit that you agree to. If she blows it, her loss. Make her miss out on things if she spends too much.

She will react badly and hate you - just like a spoilt teenage. Deal with it. No matter what you do she'll hate you anyway. But if you are strong, and do what needs to be done, then just maybe beneath her hatred will be respect.

And that's a starting point.