I acted kinda childish, but maybe made a small point?

[isilme]

The constant low key prattling of all things negative is getting to me.  I know it. 

"I'm ugly, I am embarrassing, I am obese, I deserve my diabetes for being fat, I have no clothes, I am worthless, I am dying, I am geriatric at 40, you got a lemon, I won't have a job soon, no one respects me, I can't sell things I make, I am a failure, I have no successes... ." 

Every. single. day.  Poking me to disagree, to be able to fight. 

I get to make NONE of those comments without accusations of fishing for compliments.  As an aging woman, fighting weight issues, I would LOVE to be able to just loose once and pour out all of MY negative self-depreciating feelings.  And to get some kind, loving, validating responses in return.  Nope. 

He went through one of our old college buildings this week, and he likes to "impart wisdom" onto the younger people he finds on campus and gets offended if they don't react in a way he wants.  He was going off on how he's an embarrassment and how he "knows" they were just talking about him and making fun of him, etc., and I was like, "who cares?  They are a group of very young people, who often seem far younger than their years, had a stranger walk up to them, seemed to grill them about the degree program in that field these days, and then offer unsolicited advice.  Of course, you seem weird to them - they hardly talk outside of snapchat." (Harsh, but somewhat true.  Our campus doctoral students are too busying snapping during lectures to take notes, and then complain when they fail).  I told him, "You have successes, you denigrate them so you can continue to complain." 

I finally told him I was getting tired of the tirade of negative, I don't look half as hard for negative and that I think he partly enjoys complaining so he looks for everything possible to complain about.

Then, I started making comments about myself being fat, ugly, horrible, embarrassing.  When he objected I said, "I learned it from watching you - you don't like it, stop doing it.  You seem to like thsi kind of comment, so I get to do it, too."

I was childish, but I am tired.  Been walking to offset food points for weight loss, to meet goals for office walking competition and to get him up and moving.  So I am taking a walk during the day, in case I can't at night (in case of an ER visit or something) and then walking more in the evenings.  I have let some housework pile up because I am so out of shape walking 8 miles is making me tired.

 It's mostly dishes - I'm the literal dishwasher (machines are rare down here).  I need to mow, I need to see why the AC is not working on our primary car (battery is dead on the other one, mine, because I am tired of doing the car swap in the driveway by myself, my fault, but it's what happens when one person does most things), I need to make time on a Saturday to head downtown to pick up items for sale in a local shop, discuss new items, and see if she has any sales to pay me for, finish some gifts, and overall be suportive and still be good at my full tiem job.  I really do not know how people with kids do this.  I can't work out, keep up with my house, work, and absorb things my husband can't/won't do that can't fall by the wayside without crashing every few months.

I'm tired of having to keep up a wall against the stress he keeps trying to make me feel about a job he's not even lost.  I'm tired of his "truths" that are so convenient as "'reasons" to feel bad, be in a ___ty mood, and do nothing then complain about being worthless because he chose to do nothing. 

I will be okay, I just need a little rest somehow, and I feel bad for wishing he would go on a short trip so I could simply sleep.  Undisturbed.  As long as I want.  That sounds so pathetic, that is my biggest wish right now, to not be tired, to have the energy for fun things, not just barely enough for chores and work. 

 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

The negativity is hard to deal with, especially when it's daily. For what it's worth, I don't consider what you said to be childish. I think it's a way to show someone how they're behaving to try and get them to see it from another point of view. I do this with my kids at times. What did he do / react when you said that to him?

I also don't think wanting energy isn't pathetic at all! From my experience, dealing with BPD and negativity is exhausting! Not to mention all the other things you have on your list.    It's a lot!

My ex is NPD\BPD. I would encourage him to visit his friends out of state so I could get peace and quiet and sleep! I understand.

To be honest, I don't know how people with or without kids stay with someone like this. I have two small children and I couldn't do it. Long story short, I divorced him after close to twenty year together and I have never been happier. I have not once regretted it and it's been a few years now. I'm not saying that's what you or anyone else should do. Every situation is different and people are different. I just understand how exhausting it can be. *hugs*

[Fie]

Dear Isilme,

I agree with I_Am_The_Fire that it's not childish what you did.
It's just that living with someone with BPD/NPD is so totally draining... .It's draining and exhausting to always have to be the smarter one, the one who reacts with empathy, validation, blabla. All the things we learn on here yes. But let's not forget that BPD (or NPD) do ask a lot of us, more that 'normal' people.  Some people just get the best out of us. And some people ... .right, the worst. For myself, I am not proud of some of the things I have said/done to BPD, but we are all human so we cannot expect ourselves to always react perfectly.

You are saying you wish he'd take a short trip. Don't feel guilty about that, for what it's worth, I would hope for a long trip   Is there a possibility that you can make a trip yourself ?

[pearlsw]

Hi Isilme,

I understand how hard it is to keep one’s communication standards up! I know with this kind of negative onslaught it’s challenging to say the least.

One thing I do actually appreciate about finding this site and working with the communication tools here is that I learned that “giving him a taste of his own medicine” is decidedly not a good idea and I’ve banished that from my relationship repertoire completely. Not that it was a huge feature of my practices, but even a small dose of it never went so badly as it did with this partner!  It often can lead to an escalation, and that is not fun path to go down.

I know we’ve all been at our wit’s end at times, but I’d still like to make a small pitch for Validation or taking space. I’ve noticed every single time I let my communication efforts/standards sink I pay for it, so there can be a real payoff to establishing a set of practices and sticking to them as one sided as it might feel at times. In my case, when I’m doing my best, I feel more in control of myself, feel better about myself, and have more hope.

with deep compassion, pearl.

[once removed]

One thing I do actually appreciate about finding this site and working with the communication tools here is that I learned that “giving him a taste of his own medicine” is decidedly not a good idea and I’ve banished that from my relationship repertoire completely. Not that it was a huge feature of my practices, but even a small dose of it never went so badly as it did with this partner!  It often can lead to an escalation, and that is not fun path to go down.

i want to second this. i was taught "whats good for the goose is good for the gander", and i spent my entire relationship doing it and trying to make that point. never once in my life have i gotten anywhere with it.

have you had a conversation about the negativity being overwhelming? i assume you have but wanted to check.

[isilme]

I usually never do this and have spent several weeks being as validating as I can. 

It actually caught him off guard.  He stopped and looked at me, and I had taken it a little farther than I usually do to push it.  I have done my best my whole life to not be a negative nancy, to be a positive battery for everyone around me, and usually, I am okay.  But it makes it stand out when I am close to tears, or cranky myself.  Not him perceiving crankiness where there is none, but REALLY cranky.  For me to be purposefully rude I am in a bad place. 

My job is heavily involved in helping people file paperwork to prevent breaking laws and to make sure they follow rules for research.  Many hate these steps, and people in campuses across the country in my job are often not... .nice.  So I have worked very hard over the last few years to change that impression of being a 'cop" just salivating for someone to break a rule, to someone you can come to for help NOT breaking rules.  It's working - people are actually noticing my office is not the monster it used to be, and people are actually coming to us on their own.  But, it requires a lot of being positive, being friendly, taking people being lazy, rude, treating anyone without high-level degrees like "the help".  I shrug it off as best as I can, might make a small joke later, and spray on some more emotional "scotch guard" to protect my self.

H also works on another area on campus, he is also customer service, and AT WORK, he manages to have a good attitude overall, but he does not "scotch guard" himself at all.  So the same attitudes I navigate eat at him.  The fact his department may put him out of a job is eating at him. 

I know his defenses are lower.  It's just like a battering ram against mine, my walls all need spackle.

No trip for just me possible.  I'd actually like a trip together to a beach, but he's so self conscious he won't go   I'm the one over 200lbs but he's the one who is "fat". 

[pearlsw]

hi islime,

i know you're a good egg! 

i have said to my SO many times, "i wish you could know just for once what a break up threat feels like, just how bad that feels." but i never had it in me to fake one for effect - that is just too big. the urge is understandable, human, it just comes with consequences. we aren't perfect though!

i know the weight struggle can be hard. i wish i could just lose weight and never have to lose it again, and again! grrrr. injuries! just wondering, have you tried cutting out sugar and other white stuff? when you do you have little appetite and it is easier to make food choices that can lead to loss instead of gains. your mileage may vary!  

warmly, pearl.

[waverider]

Its the lack of substantial respite from it that grinds you down and eventually snap. It happens, then it blows over, dont guilt yourself over it.

[sotiredofthis]

It sometimes helps me to validate when I picture my lovely wife as a little girl who is being for what she didn't get. So when she's complaining that I didn't spend enough time with her, or didn't have enough gentle energy left for her at the end of the day, I remember that this is so much bigger than the thirty second or half hour mistake I just made. All her childhood crap just got triggered and it's not fair and if I remind her of that, it's counter productive. I know sometimes my childhood issues get in the way so it really works best to give her validation and caring and hold my own stuff out of it.

That being said, this only is possible for me when I'm up on my self care game. If I'm depleted and have not eaten, rested, meditated, had time for myself, I'm very likely to JADE and it's all over.

OP, is there no way you can take a weekend at a cheap Airbnb for yourself, even in your same town? And get some self care? Massage, pedicure, read a book, good food?

[isilme]

OP, is there no way you can take a weekend at a cheap Airbnb for yourself, even in your same town? And get some self care? Massage, pedicure, read a book, good food?

Nope.  I am not in the habit of going away on my own as it is - it would be a BIG cause for a fight, abandonment:  "Hi - I'm really tired, so I am going to do something I have NEVER done in our 22 years together and ditch you for a weekend - your negative attitude is wearing me down so much I need to be away from you." 

And I live in a small rural town a couple of hours north of the border, , no Air BnBs here, at least none I'd stay in - proximity to a dangerous area is cause for a lot of "stranger danger" here in a drug corridor. 

I know other couples have things like family or friends that call one of them away for a weekend while the other stays home.  This is not our life.  I am NC will ALL of my family, save some very tame Facebook interactions, and one half-brother who might call me on my birthday, and I might call him on his.  H does not really drive.  He can.  But it is a like an extended delayed panic attack when he is behind the wheel.  Visits to his family include both of us - his physical limitations mean I am the one who can/does the cooking, cleaning, and rearranging of the hoarding clutter so we have a place to sit.  Somehow when I move things it doesn't trigger the mom as much as when he does it.  Trips to see his family are painful, depressing, and just reinforce his negative view of having his life decided already "Going to have to move in with my mom, to pick her up when she falls, live in her attic like a loser.  You will just have to visit me on weekends."

Friends are all married, have their own obligations, and none of us are jet-setters who can take off on a whim just because.  Hell, I can barely manage to arrange to go see one who cuts my hair, around kids, husbands, and her back injuries. 

Anyway, can't really afford it, especially not now, worried his income is going to end in 1.5-2 years, trying to take care of some house repairs and get a newer vehicle before then, plus his increasing medical bills. 

I have my physical coming up in a month.  I will bring up my persistent tiredness, and seeming inability to completely get over respiratory infections, chronic migraines and the new weird headaches that started this January, and see what she says.  I just don't want a bunch of drugs as the solution.  My mother is/was a substance abuser, and I spent much of my childhood keeping her from falling down the stairs.  Dressing her.  Cleaning her when she mixed laxatives and her sleeping pills.  From about age 13-14, she insisted I be given muscle relaxants and other drugs for my PMS-cramps (they were quite bad, but I should have just been put on the pill, it did the trick) and my starting migraines.  I liked them.  They made me floaty, and I was able to care less when they were fighting.  I don't want that again, as I fear I am just susceptible to falling into her abuse patterns and it scares me. 

I am sad, scared, tired, and this place is my only outlet.  I have some of the same worries he does, I just choose not to ruminate over them daily - what I can cut back?  How can I take care of things without depleting savings?  What if he can't find something in 6 months and goes back to being "the guy on the couch"?  I can put him on my insurance at work, but that will cost us and we won't have more $$ coming in... .it's best if he's working and has his own insurance. 

We were JUST BARELY getting to not living paycheck to paycheck, finally getting a little more than just the property tax aside... .we were finally paying on his massive student loans.  My having no family meant more of a struggle than our friends.  I didn't have help in college from my parents.  I had a scholarship that paid for 4 years, and I got one loan because I screwed up on getting something signed in time to graduate.  I have worked since then, for 18 years now, full time, one two week break when I got laid off due to cutbacks.  I am tired.  We've taken ONE trip our whole time together, and that was 2 years ago to get married.  I can work as long as I need to.  I can live without lots of fancy things. 

But I could use a little positivity at times at home.  Just a bit.

[Radcliff]

isilme, I'm sorry you are at a low point now.  It can be exhausting.  8 miles a day -- that's impressive!  Keep it up!  I liked what you said about trying to establish a reputation for your office at work being helpful instead of blocking.  I've spent a fair bit of time in bureaucracies and research organizations, and I LOVE it when I expect to be blocked and I encounter a helper.  The helpers are true treasures!  Sometimes I feel as I navigate through helpers in an organization that I'm on an underground railroad of sorts

WW

[isilme]

, underground railroad. 

I like an analogy of the original Miracle on 34th street - I tell people I want our office to be seen as the helpful Santa willing to send someone to another store if that's what helped them best.  Sadly, I work with a lot of millennials who won't' watch movies more than 5 years old - I need a new analogy. 

I have been working on building a reputation as a friendly problem solver.  I guess that I MY problem in my r/s - I want to "solve" things I rationally know I can't.  And that depresses me.  Had a few epiphanies this morning about getting some debt better managed, so I feel I might make some good progress on that avenue before we "maybe" lose his income for a while. 

I will get through it - I appreciate all y'all's input and giving me a place to talk.  I don't like airing my laundry much in real life, and my last journal was a bad experience. 

[Radcliff]

I have been working on building a reputation as a friendly problem solver.  I guess that I MY problem in my r/s - I want to "solve" things I rationally know I can't.  And that depresses me. 

It sure is hard to turn that "problem solver" behavior off.  It is absolutely discouraging.  Lately I've been hitting that repeatedly, and getting some relief when I reframe the situation and focus on the things I can control.  Instead of feeling powerless because I'm stymied by my pwBPD, I figure out what choices I have available to me that don't depend on her.  Sounds stupidly simple, but in real life it takes some work to get the hang of.  It doesn't fix everything, but it has been helping me get through a few days recently!

WW

[waverider]

Finding some areas you are free to operate independently in so that you can at least kicks some goals gives you the encouragement to stay in play... You can't cover the entire field on your own. Something has to slide somewhere