Strategies for handling silence?

[Bluebot]

I posted a more general cry for help elsewhere, but it might make more sense for me to ask for suggestions for a more specific problem that may be common here. I am frequently accused of giving my wife the silent treatment, which generally happens as a result of me not being able to come up with anything positive to say or do.

Seems like its always the same options and same reasons not to take them:

- compliment her, or point out something positive: always shot down because im "just saying what i think she wants to hear", how can i say that when i treat her so badly, not focusing on the problem i should be solving

- ask what she wants from me, or for clarification on what shes said : she feels like our conversation is an interrogation, or that i only care about getting information from her and im just focused on me

- ask how shes feeling : she'll tell me, and its never good, and its because of me, but talking doesnt help either

- express a thought or feeling i have about her: this is talking about and focusing on me

- hold her: she seems generally open to this, but after a minute or two if i haven't said anything it's "how long are we going to just sit here?"

The option im left with is to be quiet, and thats always the worst possible option. She tells me that any normal human being would know how to step up and take care of her in these situations but this has been going on for 10 years now.

I need to break this cycle, any suggestions / similar stories would really be appreciated.

Thank you

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[pearlsw]

Hi Bluebot,

Good questions here! Happy to talk it over a bit! As ugly as it sounds, it does seem she wants a better connection with you.

Do you feel tongue tied when speaking with her, or is she being critical of what you have to say? Or both?

What kinds of compliments do you give her?

Keep in mind, she may never receive things you say very well, but if you've done your best and been kind that is okay. At least you know you tried.

When you are holding her what do you think she might want to hear you say?

take care, pearl.

[Bluebot]

Hello pearl, thank you so much for the reply.

I genuinely think this has a lot to do with me and my own psyche.

Id say it has a lot more to do with me not knowing what to say than her shooting down what i say. I know she desperately just wants support from me, but i have always been someone who has just dealt with issues internally. She tells me that i did this to her and that i am the only one that can fix it. I DO realize i have done horrible things in the past that have been hurtful and embarrassing to her, but i also recognize that i cannot fix another person if they hate themself.

She regularly expresses that trying and not actually accomplishing what im trying is the same as doing nothing to her.

I feel like when i hold her she wants to hear that things will be ok, that ive got a plan on how to fix everything and that ill step up and "be a man". I feel like saying those things is lying and she'd see right through it. Ive never felt so hopeless and futile about anything in all my life as i have with this relationship (the only one ive ever had) and that doesnt instill confidence in her that ill be able to take care of her.

[pearlsw]

Hi bluebot,

My SO has a doctorate and speaks 5 languages, but he gets so tongue-tied and can't think of things to say. I could talk circles around him. He means well though when he is in a "white phase".

One thing I did to help him is write out some things he could say to me so I don't feel left hanging when I'm speaking to him. A lot of times I speak, I might say "I'm feeling sick", and I am greeted with silence. That's just one small example. He's memorized now and it sounds more natural. And it's fine. It's enough.

Can you remember times when she said something and you could not think of a reply? Or keep an eye out for that and tell us an example the next time one comes up?

It's okay to be tongue-tied and not perfect! And we can always try to improve!

What does she think you did to her? Hurt her regarding that other person? That was years ago? How was that resolved if I may ask?

take care, pearl.

[Inquisitive1]

I can relate to not feeling like I can say everything will be okay and I'll fix it, because it wouldn't be genuine of me to say so. For a long time, i'd just say nothing and feel defeated. Sometimes, that may be okay or even for the best. Since then, i've learned to say something supportive, which is genuine. Something like, "I'm not sure how we're going to fix this, but I love you and I'm committed to working with you on the solution. I believe we can get there." That last bit is a stretch sometime, but I'm trying to be more positive and have some faith, it moves mountains.

I suggest doing some reading on this site about empathetic responses, JADE and FOG. Look around, you'll find it. Or, maybe a more knowledgeable member can provide a link.

After learning about those things, I found that saying the right thing often didn't produce immediate positive results but, over time, they do help.

[Radcliff]

i've learned to say something supportive, which is genuine. Something like, "I'm not sure how we're going to fix this, but I love you and I'm committed to working with you on the solution. I believe we can get there."

Inquisitive1's approach is powerful.  Sometimes I've felt like I had to have enough belief for the both of us.  Calm, confident expression of belief that things will be OK like that can be very helpful.  Not every time, but a great tool.

I also like pearlsw's idea of practicing phrases to use.  It can be hard to know what to say in an instant!  Another skill that can be worth learning is "reflective listening."  I don't have any great resources to recommend, but I'm sure you can search on it.  You listen to what they are saying, and reflect back to them what you've heard, in particular, the emotion you've heard.  You are validating the emotion.  This is a skill that can be practiced and you can get good at it.  It is a good technique with kids, too.

WW

[Bluebot]

Yeah, i kind of feel like I've been the only one capable of true optimism. She tells me that she thinks it's possible and "really easy" for me to fix our relationship, but that she just thinks i don't want to. A recurring problem we have is that she cannot tell me what she wants from me or she feels like I'm being "puppeted". There are things she HAS told me to do, but it seems too vague for me to work with, or I run into other roadblocks with them. For instance, she used to get long love letters from me before we were married. I was living 2000 miles away from her though and that was one way i could communicate my love for her with something real. Today, admittedly, i cant write the same sort of things about her because i know her better and i wouldnt feel sincere writing a lot of them. Thats not to say there arent other things ive learned about her and appreciate, but i also didnt have years of her telling me she thinks im lying because i dont prove what i say with actions.

@pearl, making amends is also something i feel like i never ever get right with her. Yes, most of it really goes back to that girl. I dont know how to properly make amends, for me, a simple sorry is generally sufficient. I believe at the time i made things worse by reaching out to my female friends for support and suggestions on what to do and really didnt provide details that cast me as the offender... .my wife read those emails and i think that ended up being another nail in the coffin. Aside from cutting off all contact (abandoning instant messaging, deleting facebook, etc) i dont feel like ive done anything else specifically to make amends. Shes always been really hurt about me not giving her a romantic proposal, or following ANY of the typical patterns of engagement with her. Over the years ive tried to do big romantic stuff, but it ends up being nightmarishly bad. It happened almost 10 years ago now, but its unresolved trauma to her, and when things are bad it might as well have happened yesterday from her perspective.

Inquisitive1, that is a great way to look at it. Ill try to remember that. I also agree that saying the right thing may not be immediately helpful, but may still help. I just have a hard time understanding that with how literally i experience things.

Thank you all for the support. It means a lot just to know there are other people who have gone through similar things and that my wife isnt broken or something, its something a lot of people are dealing with.

[Bluebot]

This weekend went downhill again after i asked her how she was feeling and she mentioned being sad, but i didn't take it further than that. I feel seriously broken, like i should know what to do there, but i just don't, and then i go do chores around the house or work on a project i know she wants done, even though i know those things are definitely not what she wants me to be doing. I spend an inordinate amount of time searching around for answers on what to do, to no avail. I don't think it's even the sort of thing i could find answers for. I just can't understand what she needs from me.

[Radcliff]

There are definitely some steps we can help you with to raise your game here.  Can you tell us more detail about when she told you she was sad?  What were the two of you doing?  Where were you?  How did it come up?

WW