one year and 3 weeks, he's baaaack

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So three weeks since the PO expired.  I was just starting to feel a little safe thinking it was going to stick, but no, the call came yesterday. I was so upset I couldn't stop shaking and had to take anxiety meds that I haven't touched in almost a year.  I didn't answer, but he let message. He wants to "talk", "has things he knows that he needs to tell me", promises "to be civil", "doesn't want to harm me". "Please call back". I want to text him back in very succinct message that i do not wish to speak to him and I don't want him to contact me in any way again, ever. I think its the best way to say no, clearly.  Plus it is something I can show a judge if I have to go  back to another PO.  Others are advising that I don't respond in anyway.  That responding will be a win for him and "opens the door" and he wont stop because he will see he can get to me.  But I feel like not responding at all never delivers a no, so its open to keep calling, etc.  I dont want to respond because even if I say no, hes still going to respond to that with some bs about how I suck.  he will think its a negotiation or foot in the door.  But I dont want him to keep "trying" either becasue Im not clear. Very stressful! I need advise.  Thanks!

[Crushedbyac]

So three weeks since the PO expired.  I was just starting to feel a little safe thinking it was going to stick, but no, the call came yesterday. I was so upset I couldn't stop shaking and had to take anxiety meds that I haven't touched in almost a year.  I didn't answer, but he let message. He wants to "talk", "has things he knows that he needs to tell me", promises "to be civil", "doesn't want to harm me". "Please call back". I want to text him back in very succinct message that i do not wish to speak to him and I don't want him to contact me in any way again, ever. I think its the best way to say no, clearly.  Plus it is something I can show a judge if I have to go  back to another PO.  Others are advising that I don't respond in anyway.  That responding will be a win for him and "opens the door" and he wont stop because he will see he can get to me.  But I feel like not responding at all never delivers a no, so its open to keep calling, etc.  I dont want to respond because even if I say no, hes still going to respond to that with some bs about how I suck.  he will think its a negotiation or foot in the door.  But I dont want him to keep "trying" either becasue Im not clear. Very stressful! I need advise.  Thanks!

[Harley Quinn]

I'm sorry to hear that he has reached out to you as you were worried he might.  A firm no sounds like a sensible option, shows you are maintaining your boundary and could clear up any doubt in his mind that you still mean for him to leave you alone.  He may just be testing the waters to see if your feelings have changed. 

As you said, having something to show that you've been clear about not wanting any contact would stand in your favour if you need to take it further.  It's possible he will keep trying whichever approach you take so the key thing is to protect yourself emotionally and stick to your boundary.  Holding strong will likely cause him to give up and leave you alone, when he sees that he's getting nowhere. 

If you feel any further attempts on his part to reach you would be a trigger for you, how can you avoid picking up any messages left?  Maybe a friend could screen for you.  Could you block his calls or do you feel he might then try to visit you in person?  You know his pattern of behaviour best.  Have you contacted anyone like your lawyer to notify them that he has made this call?

Love and light x

[Fie]

Dear Crushedbyac,

I don't know your situation and I'm sure my situation was different than yours.
I responded with 'one more message and I am filing for a PO'. I never heard back.

Not sure if this would work on your ex ... everyone is different. But apparently the PO worked for you ? So threatening with a new one could work, too ?

xxx