Help w/ conflict between BPD wife and son

[Inquisitive1]

These boards are great, really helped me get my relationship to a better, if not ideal, place. Now I need help with my BPD wife and son2 who is in his early 20s and lives at his own place.  

Last night my wife, son1, son2 were out at a birthday dinner for son2. My wife suggested son2 let the waitress pick a beer for him. He responded aggressively, in a rude tone that he'd make the decision for himself. She made a joke, with a message, that the waitress would think he was mean to his mother and things seemed to return to normal. He upset her again later. At the end of the dinner she got up from the table to 'get some air'. On the ride home she was clearly upset. Once home, she cornered son2 and told him it was the most awful dinner she'd ever had. She canceled mother's day brunch and said he had to go to therapy with her or she couldn't have a relationship with him. She's asked him to go to therapy with her previously and he's refused.

Son1 and I seemed to convince son2 that he should try to talk to her and agree to go to therapy. When he tried, she shut him down and wouldn't listen. He was clearly upset, and left. Horrible end to the evening. I called him later and said he had misbehaved but she was very sensitive.

Talked to my wife this morning. She mentioned him agreeing to go to a movie with her, but then not doing it. She said it was like trying to be friends with someone who didn't like her, and she had to set a boundary.

Some of this seems to come from her oversensitiveness, but he also seems to have issues with her. She comes on strong with things she wants. Maybe in trying to defend his autonomy he get's frustrated, emotional, angry and vents at her. There may be some lasting resentment from her past bad behavior. (She thinks he hates him because of her bad behavior while drinking when he was younger.)

I want this fixed so we can do things as a family. I'm going to call him and encourage him to agree to go to therapy with her. I may also say something about him trying to be less reactive to her aggressive requests of him and going to the movies with her.

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[Inquisitive1]

Yep, responding to my own post... .

Spoke to the son. Told him he was acting kind of jerky and could probably benefit from therapy with mom. He said he did feel bad about the way he acted and had been really upset last night. I think he's going to text her about going to therapy.

Talked to the wife, she's sticking to her must-go-to-therapy line in the sand, which i'm supportive of. I'm a bit concerned that she's not taking responsibility for being very sensitive to his misbehavior... .another person might have forgiven the his breach and let the birthday end nicely, then circled back for a discussion later. I'm also a bit concerned that she want to fix him.